Valentine’s Day has come and gone. You know what this means.
So-Bad-It’s . . . no, it’s really just bad horror.
Your entry for this year’s Bloody Hearts is a spectacularly terrible film called House of Nine, a movie that’s so smalltime it doesn’t even have a proper Tomato Meter on Rotten Tomatoes. Although audiences, at least, apparently blessed it with a 36% approval rating, which, while not a good score, is probably about 35% higher than it should be. I would like to know who these people are and have a serious conversation with all of them.
Considering that seems unlikely, I guess I’ll just settle for some wordy analysis and snark.
Valentine’s Day is soon upon us. You (might) know what that means.
Bloody Hearts has come. Let us mock . . . Open Grave.
A while ago, my friend Rob got his hands on a huge stack of absolutely terrible horror movies and, knowing our passion for such films, sent the entire collection to my sister and I because Rob is, quite truly, the best. The one that really called to me, though, the one that just begged to be watched, was Tales From the Darkside: The Movie, mostly because of this cast: Steve Buscemi, Julianne Moore, Christian Slater, Rae Dawn Chong, James Remar, and Deborah Harry.
It definitely seemed like a good candidate for Bloody Hearts, but when I realized that it was also an anthology film, just like V/H/S, it seemed like destiny.
Destiny is hilarious.
It’s February, people. The month of luv. But for those of you who are bored of luv — and who can blame you, if you are — we at My Geek Blasphemy have something better to offer you instead: murder, mayhem, and possibly a just a teensie touch of mockery.
Celebrate Valentine’s Day a little early with me, people. This . . . is Bloody Hearts.
One of the movies that was deemed unworthy for Bloody Hearts:
Believe it or not, it doesn’t actually start out too bad.
. . . and then Ben Affleck pops up in a cowboy hat.
Supposedly, Quentin Tarantino has said that My Bloody Valentine is his favorite slasher film of all time.
I just don’t get it.
The 2012 Bloody Hearts fest begins with a horror movie that’s so bad, it holds a 1% rating on Rotten Tomatoes and is widely considered to be one of the worst films of all times.
This is my first Uwe Boll movie, and I feel certain that my life will never be the same again.