“Mr. Cop, Can You Put Away Your Gun? Cause You’re Making Everybody Nervous.”

Valentine’s Day has come and gone. You know what this means.

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So-Bad-It’s . . . no, it’s really just bad horror.

Your entry for this year’s Bloody Hearts is a spectacularly terrible film called House of Nine, a movie that’s so smalltime it doesn’t even have a proper Tomato Meter on Rotten Tomatoes. Although audiences, at least, apparently blessed it with a 36% approval rating, which, while not a good score, is probably about 35% higher than it should be. I would like to know who these people are and have a serious conversation with all of them.

Considering that seems unlikely, I guess I’ll just settle for some wordy analysis and snark.

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“Don’t You Just Love Happy Endings?”

A while ago, my friend Rob got his hands on a huge stack of absolutely terrible horror movies and, knowing our passion for such films, sent the entire collection to my sister and I because Rob is, quite truly, the best. The one that really called to me, though, the one that just begged to be watched, was Tales From the Darkside: The Movie, mostly because of this cast: Steve Buscemi, Julianne Moore, Christian Slater, Rae Dawn Chong, James Remar, and Deborah Harry.

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It definitely seemed like a good candidate for Bloody Hearts, but when I realized that it was also an anthology film, just like V/H/S, it seemed like destiny.

Destiny is hilarious.

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“I Like You.”

It’s February, people. The month of luv. But for those of you who are bored of luv — and who can blame you, if you are — we at My Geek Blasphemy have something better to offer you instead: murder, mayhem, and possibly a just a teensie touch of mockery.

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Celebrate Valentine’s Day a little early with me, people. This . . . is Bloody Hearts.

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