“I Know Your Mustache.”

I read my first Agatha Christie novel when I was eleven. By now I’ve read dozens, and while I always enjoy them, most have long since blended in my head, like half-forgotten Friends episodes or various bad Christmases. Murder on the Orient Express, however, is one of those mysteries that you never forget the solution to.

That being said, my interest in Kenneth Branagh’s take on the classic novel was mild. Perhaps Imagine Dragons wasn’t quite filling me with confidence, I don’t know. Still, Mekaela and I are suckers for murder mysteries (she’s an even bigger Christie fan than I am), so it’s probably no surprise that we decided to check out the adaptation last week, despite some reservations.

And it’s . . . okay? It’s serviceable. But it could totally be better.

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“Welcome To The Loser’s Club, Asshole!”

I’ve said this before, I know, but It is my very favorite Stephen King book. There are problems, of course (the scene, THE SCENE), but the novel will always and forever have a place in my heart. Likewise, The 1990 miniseries starring Tim Curry will also always have a place in my heart, for as I’ve described both here and here, it is an incredible four-hour mash-up of genuine creepiness and so-bad-its-good hilarity.

It was only natural that I would watch Andy Muschietti’s take on It, too.

And, well. I definitely liked parts of it. Probably not a forever spot in my heart, though.

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Coming Soon-Ish: The Snowman (AKA, The Only Movie You Ever Need to See)

First, some backstory.

Last night, my friend, my sister, and I all went to the movies. We were there to see Atomic Blonde, which I’ll probably review next week; however, the true highlight of the night ended up being this trailer for The Snowman, a movie I’d never heard of before and now will never forget.

So, we begin with a woman walking by herself when, suddenly, a snowball hits her. She looks around, confused. Abruptly, we cut away to scary music and Michael Fassbender very seriously narrating about a murdered woman. Now, maybe I was already feeling a bit snarky because my friend and I both basically had the same reaction to that particular cut: what, was she killed with a snowball? Are we calling him the Snowball Killer or what? But I’m a sucker for murder mysteries and serial killer thrillers and Michael Fassbender’s manly jawline–well, I used to be, anyway but he’s so rarely in anything I’m interested in these days–so I shake off the silly start and prepare to give the trailer a fair shake . . .

And then Michael Fassbender, still in Serious Narration Mode, says, “He calls himself the Snowman Killer,” and oh my God, I totally lost it.

People. I was crying, I laughed so hard, and every time I tried to get my giggles under control, they’d have another ominous shot of a fucking snowman. (I’m not joking. There are at least three such Ominous Shots.) The worst, by far, is when the trailer cuts away from Intense Michael Fassbender saying, “He’s been watching us the whole time” to a snowman, situated just outside some window, seemingly stalking his prey. Mind you, I’m reasonably sure that this movie is a) not a comedy, and b) not centered around an actual snowman killer, but whoever cut this trailer did it so bizarrely that I’m actually not 100% certain. Which is a weird thing to say about a thriller starring people like Michael Fassbender, Rebecca Ferguson, J.K. Simmons, James D’arcy, Jamie Clayton, Toby Jones, Chloe Sevigny, and–according to IMDb–Val Kilmer. (Is it wrong to just automatically assume Kilmer’s the bad guy? Or maybe he’s the weird dude living in a cabin in the middle of the wilderness who Knows Something Important and later gets killed for it?) My point is, these are primarily well-respected actors, like, Oscar-respected. What the hell are they doing in Frosty’s Revenge?

It should also be noted that, when not focusing on ominous snowmen (new band name), this trailer works hard to look as generic as possible, like, here we’ve got The Lead Female sexily undressing as bait, and oh look, our masculine hero is out in the middle of nowhere, angrily yelling at a villain who, presumably, isn’t actually there. (I also inappropriately giggled through the bit where Michael Fassbender screams in anguish as he tries to break into a burning building. It’s just so overwrought.) I’ll admit, however, that most of this went unnoticed the first time I watched this trailer, since I was too busy wiping the tears from my eyes and, you know, trying to breathe.

Finally? Our masculine hero’s name, apparently, is Harry Hole. I mean, come on. How am I supposed to take that seriously? (To be fair, perhaps “Hole” is pronounced differently, as I see this is set in Norway, or at least the book it’s based on is. Still. I’m saying the name “Harry Hole” is not helping me subdue any of my juvenile giggles.)

Coming Soon-Ish: Blondes, Clowns, and Apocalypses (Including Ragnarok!)

Thor: Ragnarok

You’ve all seen this, of course. The whole teaser is fun, like, there’s so much going on: holy shit Mjolnir, and all the goddamn iconic hats and headpieces, and the teeny-tiny glimpses of Idris Elba and Karl Urban. Not to mention, I can’t decide who I’d rather cosplay: Cate Blanchett, Cate Blanchett, or Jeff Goldblum.

But it’s Thor’s absolutely perfect reaction to seeing Hulk in the ring that completely sold me on this movie. I figured I’d probably watch it in theaters, having seen the prior two Thor movies there . . . but I wasn’t particularly excited about it. Now I’m like, “Wait, HOW long do I have to wait for this movie? I NEED JOY IN MY LIFE.”

Atomic Blonde

Speaking of joy in my life.

This trailer looks immensely fun. Beating someone in the back of a car with a shoe really oughta be on my list of life goals. There are so many awesome looking fight scenes here, and Charlize Theron seems particularly badass. I’m all for her and James McAvoy having a comedic dynamic, but I’m really hoping it doesn’t actually take a romantic turn: she seems way too badass for him, and I’m much more interested in the Atomic Blonde/French Operative ship. (Please don’t actually die in that scene where it totally looks like you die, Sofia Boutella.)

I could definitely watch this one in theaters. It looks pretty great.

The Hitman’s Bodyguard

Warnings: Red-band trailer, mostly for a bunch of curse words that I’m absolutely sure you’ve never heard or spoken yourself before.

This is . . . interesting. It appears someone had the idea to pair Peak Samuel L. Jackson with Peak Ryan Reynolds and wrap them together with Whitney Houston’s “I Will Always Love You” from The Bodyguard. It’s . . . actually kinda spectacular, really, although I’m probably only so-so on the trailer itself. Some of the jokes made me laugh (particularly at “I hope they kill him; I really do” and “this guy single-handedly ruined the word ‘motherfucker'”), but I’m not entirely convinced that the joke won’t run out of steam in the first 20 minutes. Interested, but probably as a rental.

IT

On first blush, it looks pretty decent. Hard to judge Pennywise, considering he doesn’t actually talk in this clip. I don’t mind them going a more traditionally scary clown route–like, you aren’t going to surpass Tim Curry, so don’t even try to imitate him–but Pennywise absolutely must have an actual personality, so it can’t all be dark makeup and super quick monster crawls in the sewers. Little Georgie’s pretty creepy, though.

One way or another, I’ll see this. It is my favorite Stephen King novel (except for, you know, THE SCENE) and I get endless joy out of how simultaneously both brilliant and atrocious the 1990 miniseries is. But I’m not quite pumped about this just yet. Mostly, I wanna compare the terrible adults from the miniseries to the adults in this remake . . . but sadly, I won’t get to for a while, since we’re saving them for the sequel, a decision I completely understand but am a little bit disappointed by regardless.

Finally . . . The Bad Batch

I have virtually no idea what the hell this is about, but it’s colorful and weird and I’m interested. (I still need to watch A Girl Walks Home Alone At Night. I’m so behind on all the must-see horror films.) I don’t think I know the actress playing the MC, but I do recognize Jason Momoa and Keanu Reeves and Giovanni Ribisi, and hey apparently Diego Luna’s in here somewhere, and–holy shit, that’s Jim Carrey?!

Meanwhile, IMDb is giving me this synopsis: “a dystopian love story in a Texas wasteland and set in a community of cannibals.”

Yeah. I can’t pretend I’m not curious.

“Now, That’s A Proper Introduction.”

I’ve been excited about Arrival for months and had hoped to see the movie shortly after it premiered, but plans, being plans, naturally fell through. So Mekaela and I decided to watch it on Thanksgiving instead because, you know. First contact, and all that jazz.

I liked Arrival–it’s well-crafted and interesting–but, being the disappointment to the SF/F community that I so often am, I can’t quite say that I loved it like everyone else seems to.

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“He Who Controls Spice Controls The Universe!”

A few months ago, as you may or may not remember, I took part in the Clarion West Write-a-Thon. Donors could purchase a movie review, should they opt to do so, and a man named Tom did.

Here is everything you need to know about Tom:

1. Tom is an assistant nurse manager of the ICU, one of the departments I work in.

2. Tom is a gigantic movie buff, like, he’s seen way, WAY, more movies than I have.

3. Tom’s movie opinions are completely wrong roughly 90% of the time.

Tom immediately jumped on the chance to purchase a review, and then, fiendishly, spent the next two months going back and forth on what he wanted to make me watch. Would he give me something he thought I’d genuinely enjoy, despite my fairly minimal interest? Would he give me something so ridiculously terrible that it would totally redefine the so-bad-it’s-AWFUL genre? These were hard considerations, and Tom delighted in proposing different alternatives every day, but in the end, the knowledge that I had never seen David Lynch’s Dune proved too much for him.

paul4

And so, good people, let us begin our journey into the world of Dune, a place of spice, Chosen Ones, gigantic worms, and winged underoos.

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MEGA Coming Soon-Ish: Not-So-Live From Comic Con

It’s been years since I’ve gone to Comic Con. I’m always deeply envious when it’s going on, but luckily, the internet provides some of the shiny without me having to get up at the crack of dawn for a 5:00pm panel in Hall H.

Here are a bunch of trailers that came from San Diego’s massive annual nerd convention.

Justice League

I did not like Man of Steel. I did not like Batman v Superman. But God help me, Justice League actually looks pretty fun so far.

I mean, I’m not totally getting my hopes up. It’s super early days and, to my eternal disappointment, Zack Snyder is still at the helm. There is still the serious likelihood that this will be another stupidly angsty, convoluted mess.

But I actually liked Ben Affleck as Batman in BvS, and I really enjoy his chemistry with Gal Gadot. Ezra Miller is working for me, so long as they don’t push that whole awkward nerd thing too far into the ground. And Aquaman, naturally, looks all handsome and manly. Disappointingly, we don’t see much of Cyborg, but overall it’s not a terrible first look. If the movie can create interesting team dynamics and remember to actually be entertaining (and, you know, make sense), I could be into it.

Wonder Woman

And speaking of promising . . .

I have a lot more hope for Wonder Woman, although I have to say that if I don’t like it . . . I might not be going to see Justice League after all, cause, like, I’ve already given this franchise two chances and been pretty disappointed with both films. Fourth times the charm kind of isn’t a thing.

This trailer is decent. I don’t know if I’m totally wowed by it, but I am interested. I definitely liked that moment where Wonder Woman’s all, “What I do is not up to you.” YES. More of this, please. In fact, all of this.

I admit, I’m curious to how they’ll treat love interest Chris Pine: will he primarily function as a typical love interest, or will he get to do more just because he’s a guy? The latter would kind of annoy me, but so long as Wonder Woman’s motivation doesn’t solely revolve around him (and the movie doesn’t solely focus on leg shots), I could be into this. I desperately want it to be good, anyway, considering if it’s not, plenty of people won’t just consider it a bad superhero film. Rather, people will use it as “proof” that female-led superhero movies are terrible and don’t attract audiences. But we’ll have to wait a while to see how that turns out.

Doctor Strange

It’s interesting. I have the same casting problems that everyone has already mentioned, but . . . hot damn, are the visuals in this stunning.

I’m sure I’ll see this movie. It has a great cast, and it looks both beautiful and weird. Marvel meets Inception, you know? But as much as I love Benedict Cumberbatch and Tilda Swinton . . . I wish they weren’t in this particular story.

The LEGO Batman Movie

I’m still worried that this is going to be a one-joke story that can’t fill up a whole movie, but this latest trailer does make me smile. LIFE DOESN’T GIVE YOU SEAT BELTS. Although poor Robin. Someday, Robin will get to be cool on screen. You know, when Michael Cera isn’t the one voicing him.

Luke Cage

I don’t think I have anything to say to this but DAMN.

I’m into it. I’m definitely into it.

Legion

Er . . .

I honestly don’t really know what to make of that. I know I watch basically every superhero show on television, but TBH, I didn’t really have any plans to watch Legion. A show about Professor X’s abandoned son who thinks he’s schizophrenic? Eh, no. Not my thing. Still, I figured I’d check out the trailer at least, and now that I have, I feel like I should at least check out the pilot. I like the cinematography, anyway, and it certainly looks . . . interesting . . . although I do find Dan Stevens’s American accent a bit grating.

So, yeah, I’ll probably try it. It could be entertaining, but if the whole show is about Am I Crazy/Am I Not? Yeah, I’ll probably fall out of it pretty fast.

The Flash (Season 3)

So, now we know what Barry did to the timeline.

Is it wrong that I’m still hoping this is all resolved in two episodes max? This could be temporarily fun, but please, please say we aren’t stuck in Flashpoint all season long. RESURRECT THE HARRY AND CISCO SHOW. Cause, yeah, this isn’t fully doing it for me.

Arrow (Season 5)

Eh. I’m always hot and cold on Arrow, often within the same episode, but this trailer is leaving me pretty much just cold.

I’m not particularly interested in New Team Arrow. Curtis, yes. Curtis can always stay. But that other dude seems annoying, and the girl . . . well, let’s just say that Artemis was my absolute favorite in Young Justice (well, her and Robin, anyway), so I’m far more likely to be critical of her. If they screw up Artemis, I’m going to be deeply  unhappy, and if I’m being honest, I fully expect them to screw up Artemis. (Her background, for instance, is already completely wrong.) Not to mention, I’m not really looking forward to multiple scenes of Oliver screwing up as a superhero mentor and everyone threatening to leave him and blah blah blah. (I just assume.)

I’m still planning to watch, just . . . I don’t know how many more seasons of Arrow I have in me.

Kong: Skull Island

All right, I think we’ve finally gotten past the superhero stuff.

I’ve gotta admit: with a roster like Brie Larson, Tom Hiddleston, Samuel L. Jackson, and John Goodman, this certainly has the cast to beat. And I like the general look of the movie. Still, my interest is middling at the moment: a rental, probably, rather than a theater visit. The last Kong movie didn’t do a whole lot for me, and I worry about the predictability factor: right now I’m predicting Goodman dead, Samuel L dead, a bunch of extras/minor characters dead, and Brie Larson, Tom Hiddleston, and their probable UST alone surviving to tell the tale.

This could be totally wrong, of course–in fact, I hope it is–but if not, I’m already yawning.

Fantastic Beasts and Where To Find Them

So far, I haven’t been able to muster up much interest in this, despite how much I enjoyed both the Harry Potter books and movies. This trailer, though, is the first thing I’ve seen that makes me think, Okay, maybe I could check this out. On one hand . . . I kind of feel done with the HP universe, like, I love it, I’ll revisit it, I desperately want to go to Universal Studios and visit Diagon Alley–but I also don’t feel a lot of need to see prequels, sequels, side stories, etc. On the other hand, magic in this particular time period is always kind of fun, and I could enjoy this.

Although. I must say that while No-Maj didn’t bother me so much when I first read it . . . it’s kind of jarring to hear it out loud. It just really does not sound like American slang to me at all, and I hope that’s not a consistent problem throughout the film.

King Arthur: Legend of the Sword

Well, this looks about as ridiculous as you’d expect a Guy Ritchie version of King Arthur to be.

I have no real plans to see this anytime soon, but I’ve got to admit: the trailer with its anachronistic music, super fast action, and 110% Guy Ritchie-ness did make me smile. Of course, I’m not a purist: Arthurian mythology, on the whole, has never done much for me, so I totally don’t care that Guy Ritchie’s probably going to mess it all up. And the cast is sort of fun: along with Charlie Hunnam, Djimon Hounsou, and Evil Jude Law, we also have Littlefinger, Roose Bolton, and Morgana . . . although, sadly, I don’t think Katie McGrath is playing Morgana here. Still, the actual story itself makes me just kinda shrug. I doubt I’ll pay theater prices for the experience.

American Gods

Well, shit. It’d be really helpful if I had Starz, huh?

It’s been quite some time since I re-read it (I’m trying to decide if I want to do it again before the show or not), but I picked up American Gods when I was, oh, 18? And I adored it. I’m so excited to see it come to life as a TV show. This is a pretty promising first look, and I’m very hopeful. I mean, the cast alone . . . damn. There are a ton of great people in it, but I’m just dying over these pictures of Gillian Anderson as Media. SUCH a lady crush right now.

I desperately want this show to be as awesome as it sounds. Please be awesome, show. Please be awesome like I know you can be.

Teen Wolf (Season 6)

Well, my friends. We have our first look at our final season–Teen Wolf is saying goodbye to us with Season 6, and much as I love the show, it’s probably time. Here’s to hoping it can end on a good note. (It’s always so sad when shows can’t.)

It looks pretty cool. I like the idea of a Big Bad that abducts and erases people from all memory. The story is Stiles-centric, which obviously appeals to me. And the Sheriff doesn’t remember him? NOOOOOOO! On the downside, we lost Kira and got Theo in return? BOO. This is not a great trade, in my book.

And finally . . . Dirk Gently

Oh, this looks kind of fun.

I’ll admit, I’m getting a little tired of that one genius detective character who does whatever they want and suffers no ill consequences. Still, this definitely looks offbeat and I think I was pretty much sold when Elijah Wood screamed, “I am NOT your Watson, asshole!” Plus, it looks like there are some interesting side characters (I’m already intrigued by the one kickass black lady near the end of the trailer) and . . . is that Richard Schiff? Hey, it is! YAY!

This trailer doesn’t really jive with what little I remember from The Long Dark Tea-Time of the Soul, but it has been more than a decade since I read that book, so who knows. I’m sure I’ll try this one. I’m such a sucker for quirky detectives, although, historically, the weirder they are, the faster they get cancelled. (RIP forever, Terriers, The Unusuals, etc.)

“My Daughters Are Trained For Battle, Sir, Not The Kitchen.”

So, I’ve read and watched multiple versions of Pride and Prejudice, but–presumably to the horror of Jane Austen enthusiasts everywhere–I have done so in a completely backwards fashion. First, I watched the 2005 film with Keira Knightley, which I liked. Then I read Pride and Prejudice and Zombies, written by Seth Grahame-Smith (and Jane Austen, sort of), which I also liked. Then I watched BBC’s Pride and Prejudice from 1995, which, to be honest, I was only so-so on. Then I finally read the original Pride and Prejudice, which was quite enjoyable.

And now I have seen the 2015 film adaptation of Pride and Prejudice and Zombies.

ppz cover1

It may surprise you–being the blasphemous wench that I obviously am–but ultimately, I didn’t care for it.

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Coming Soon-Ish: Cowboys, Babysitters, and The Joker’s Crappy Origin Story

The Magnificent Seven

So, this looks cool. It’s not the all-girl version of The Magnificent Seven I was dreaming of, but Denzel Washington, Chris Pratt, Matt Bomer, Byung-hun Lee, Vincent D’Onofrio,     and some big ass guns? Could be fun. Plus, while this appears to take place in one of those universes that are populated by 40-men-for-every-1-woman, it also seems that our sole main female character will have some action-y stuff to do, so, yay! I doubt she’s one of the titular seven, and it’d be really nice for a western or action film to have more than one (or even two) important female characters, but still, one woman is one more than I seem to remember from the original Magnificent Seven or Seven Samurai. So, er, progress? (Unless I’m misremembering, of course. It’s been a really long time since I’ve seen either film.)

Also, “I seek righteousness, but I’ll take revenge” is a pretty great line.

Cell

Well. That looks spectacularly bad.

Here’s the thing about Cell: I read this book back when it first came out in 2006, and it was super creepy (until it suddenly wasn’t–I had problems with the second half) because I was late to the cell phone game and didn’t get one until, oh, maybe the following year? So I’d look up from my book on the bus and everyone would be on their phones, and I’d be like, Shit, the zombies are here, THE ZOMBIES ARE HEEEEEERE. By 2016, though, pretty much everyone and their grandmother and their grandmothers’ dogs have cell phones, which in theory would make the story even more scary but somehow makes it feel obsolete instead. There isn’t really any lingering ‘cell phone causes brain cancer or whatever else’ dread going around these days. The whole premise just feels a little silly.

More importantly, though, this just looks like a terrible movie. My only real interest in watching it is as a possible candidate for next year’s Bloody Hearts.

The Killing Joke

I actually just read this comic for the first time the other night. It’s generally considered to be one of the best Batman graphic novels ever. Naturally, I hated it.

I want to be interested in this. Kevin Conroy and Mark Hamill are involved, so that’s a huge plus. I’m all about R-rated animated movies, and the attention to detail in this is exquisite. I mean, damn. This looks to be a spot-on recreation of the comic. But I guess that’s the problem because I really, really did not like this comic. Between the abhorrent treatment of female characters, Joker’s sad sack backstory, and Gordon’s S&M gear at the circus . . . yeah. I liked one of the ideas (if not the execution) and the last page. That’s about all.

Probably going to skip this one and watch Under the Red Hood again instead. Oooh, or Batman vs. Robin. I’ve been meaning to get around to that.

Approaching the Unknown

This looks interesting. It’s hard to know exactly where it’s going to go, and I’m guessing it’s the kind of movie you don’t want to know too much about before going in. Mark Strong, Luke Wilson, space, and mysterious, mind-trippy stuff are enough to catch my eye . . . but I have a couple of concerns.

One: my tolerance for ‘am I going crazy’ stories is pretty minimal, so while some mindfuckery is fine, I can’t have that be the driving question for the entire movie. (Also, I’d deeply prefer it if the answer wasn’t yes.) Two: I’m having a real hard time buying the idea that one guy would be sent alone to Mars, especially if it’s not supposed to be a routine, ‘we’ve done this a billion times already’ kind of trip. I can generally buy all sorts of ridiculous premises, as long as I know about them up front, and admittedly, I don’t know much about NASA that Packing to Mars and Armageddon didn’t teach me–but a lone wolf astronaut in space? Pretty much stretches my credulity to the limit.

Still. I have to admit I’m way more curious about this one than, say, Snowden or the next Jason Bourne movie. (I watched trailers for both but couldn’t manage to drum up enough reaction about either of them to bother jotting down.)

And finally . . . Adventures in Babysitting

Oh, what the shit is this?

Apparently, the Disney Channel has heartlessly decided to mine the depths of my childhood by remaking Adventures in Babysitting, and I mean “remaking” in the loosest possible sense. Godamn vultures.

Look, it’s been forever since I’ve seen the original Adventures in Babysitting, and fine, it probably doesn’t hold up all that well, but this . . . this . . . travesty just makes me sad. Come on, Disney Channel! Does your TV movie have Elizabeth Shue rocking this dress while dancing to “Then He Kissed Me,” or Bradley Whitford as a sleazy boyfriend with terrible excuses, or Vincent D’Onofrio playing Thor (well, sort of)?

I think not, Disney Channel. I think not.