TV Superlatives: December, January, and February – 2019/2020

It’s that time again: our winter TV Superlatives!

A quick reminder for how these work: I will bestow whatever TV shows I’ve recently been watching (whether they’re currently airing or not) with awards like Favorite Bromance, Favorite WTF Moment, Best Profanity, etc. As always, any awards with spoilers will be very clearly marked.

As a reference point, here are the shows I’ve been watching for the past few months:

Busted! (Season 2)
His Dark Materials
Nancy Drew
The Mandalorian
DC Universe’s Harley Quinn
Watchmen
The Expanse (Season 4)
A Black Lady Sketch Show
The Witcher
Barry (Season 2)
The Good Place (Season 4)
Star Trek: Picard
Legends of Tomorrow (Season 5)
Brooklyn Nine-Nine (Season 7)

Let’s get to it, shall we?

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Coming Soon-Ish: Zombie Dragons, Guardians of the Galaxy, Old Wolverine, and Horror in Suburbia

Get Out

So, this looks pretty fantastic.

I don’t have a whole lot to say about Get Out specifically, just that it looks original and creepy as hell, and I’m pretty excited about it. I will forever love my horror movies, but the genre repeats itself a lot, often telling the same kind of morality tale with the same kind of killers and the same kind of victims. This, on the other hand, looks like something totally new, and with Jordan Peele behind the wheel and Bradley Whitford as a bad guy? Yeah. Count me the hell in.

Guardians of the Galaxy

This is just a teaser, so I’m not going to get all pumped just yet. But it’s funny (the Drax-Peter exchange)and cute (Baby Groot!) and Zoe Saldana, as always, looks immensely badass. I’m just hoping Gamora gets a little more to do in this movie because–as much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy–she never really felt like more of a collection of tropes to me, the Strong Female Character who’s really not much more than the Hero’s Love Interest. Zoe Saldana is capable of so much more, provided the story will give her better characterization here than the last movie did.

Logan

So, I’m sure people are into this, but . . . this just kind of looks depressing to me? Like, sure, the action is cool (dude, claws through the HEAD) and who doesn’t like Johnny Cash, but I’m not so sure I’m interested in seeing a movie about Old Logan and Super Old Xavier in some post-mutant, super tragic future where everyone else we care about is dead. I do enjoy some darker superhero stories, but at the moment, I’m not particularly feeling this one.

A Cure for Wellness

First, any treatment that looks like that? Probably not a reputable treatment.

This is interesting so far. Not a lot of plot-specific details, but some of the creepy imagery is fantastic, and yeah, I’m amused by slowing down and creepifying “I Wanna Be Sedated.” Also, I see that Jason Isaacs, Dane DeHaan, and Carl Lumbly are all in this? That’s not a bad cast. I’m not quite at the “give it to me, give it to me NOW” stage yet, but I have some interest in this one, and I definitely wouldn’t mind seeing another trailer that tells you a little more about the story itself.

Last Girl Standing

This could be interesting. I’ve always been fascinated by stories that take place after the big event, especially slashers; in fact, I had a horror movie idea a little like this years ago that I never did anything with because I’m a failure of a flip-flopper and moved onto another project. But! I think this could be worth checking out if the whole thing doesn’t turn out to be the Final Girl Has Gone Crazy and Is The One Actually Killing Everyone. I hate that shit.

If I watch this and that’s what happens, prepare yourselves, people, for you will have to listen to me (well, read me) rant about if for THOUSANDS AND THOUSANDS OF WORDS because I will not be pleased.

John Wick Chapter 2

John Wick was stylish and fun, though I didn’t love it quite as much as everyone else seemed to, probably because I didn’t buy certain moments and conveniences in the story. Still, I certainly liked it enough to check out the trailer for the sequel, and it looks . . . you know, okay. Fun action scenes, a good cast (newbies include Common, Ruby Rose, and Laurence Fishburne), and of course THE DOG. (The dog can’t die in this one. I’m okay with the dog dying last time–even though it was kind of devastating because it was SO CUTE–but you needed it for the actual plot. Here, it would just be shitty.)

I think my biggest actual concern is that the sequel will go too big. John Wick worked as well as it did, I think, because it was a very simple story, Awesome Hotel of Assassins aside. I’m hoping this one doesn’t have big global conspiracies or fate of the world consequences or anything else like that. Keep it small: John Wick does a job. John Wick gets revenge. John Wick keeps his goddamn dog alive. End of story.

Resident Evil: The Final Chapter

Um. Is that a . . . zombie dragon?

I wouldn’t have bothered watching this trailer, since this series is largely not-great and the last one was actively terrible, like, it was a little embarrassing, just how bad that movie was. But this is being billed as the final movie in the franchise, and while I know better than to believe in any supposed final movies (Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter, Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday, etc.) I’m sure Mekaela will take this as an excuse to force me to watch it. The rotten fiend.

Assassin’s Creed

Okay, I haven’t played the games, so I knew nothing about the whole modern storyline (based off the video game trailers, I had just assumed the whole thing was set in the past), but . . . anyone else think this is gonna flop hard? Maybe it’ll be a lot of dumb fun, but right now, that’s not the impression I’m getting, although I suppose that’s kind of an easy bet: video game movies, after all, are notoriously crap. (Mortal Kombat being the obvious exception. I heart you and your ridiculousness forever, Mortal Kombat!)

On the plus side, this movie does have a hell of a cast. Michael Fassbender, Jeremy Irons, Marion Cotillard, Michael Kenneth Williams, Brendan Gleeson . . . I mean, that’s a damn amazing lineup. I just doubt that this movie is going to be worthy of them. But I wouldn’t mind being proven wrong; I’d like a video game movie to actually succeed, for once.

And finally . . . The Autopsy of Jane Doe

Redband, so beware: this is NSFW, which in this case means boobies. But it also means better scares because, for some reason, the normal teaser trailer is actually pretty boring.

This one is much better, so I’m glad I watched it. I’m enjoying some of the creepy visuals, and the fact that our protagonists are apparently a father-son coroner team is kind of awesome. Though, as always, I immediately couldn’t help but think but couldn’t we gender bend it? That would have been so COOL.

“He Who Controls Spice Controls The Universe!”

A few months ago, as you may or may not remember, I took part in the Clarion West Write-a-Thon. Donors could purchase a movie review, should they opt to do so, and a man named Tom did.

Here is everything you need to know about Tom:

1. Tom is an assistant nurse manager of the ICU, one of the departments I work in.

2. Tom is a gigantic movie buff, like, he’s seen way, WAY, more movies than I have.

3. Tom’s movie opinions are completely wrong roughly 90% of the time.

Tom immediately jumped on the chance to purchase a review, and then, fiendishly, spent the next two months going back and forth on what he wanted to make me watch. Would he give me something he thought I’d genuinely enjoy, despite my fairly minimal interest? Would he give me something so ridiculously terrible that it would totally redefine the so-bad-it’s-AWFUL genre? These were hard considerations, and Tom delighted in proposing different alternatives every day, but in the end, the knowledge that I had never seen David Lynch’s Dune proved too much for him.

paul4

And so, good people, let us begin our journey into the world of Dune, a place of spice, Chosen Ones, gigantic worms, and winged underoos.

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“I Don’t Want Your Suffering! I Don’t Want Your Future!”

X-Men, I enjoyed. X2, I really enjoyed. X-Men: The Last Stand remains the most disappointing film I’ve ever seen in theater, ever. X-Men Origins: Wolverine was ridiculous, and yet bothers me considerably less than The Last Stand, probably because that movie had already crushed all the expectations out of me. X-Men: First Class, I enjoyed, except for what happened with all the female characters. The Wolverine . . . well, I never actually saw that one. I didn’t have to. “X-Men” wasn’t in the title.

X-Men: Days of Future Past, though. That I obviously had to see.

I’ll admit, my interest wasn’t all that high, despite Bryan Singer’s return to the franchise — but I actually had a pretty decent time, all in all.

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“Let’s Just Say God Works Too Slowly.”

Last year, I watched and reviewed all of the live-action Batman films prior to watching The Dark Knight Rises. (I will almost certainly review all of the animated films at some point, too.) Mekaela — who I might remind you still wants to see The Wolverine, despite the eternal sadness that was The Last Stand and Origins — suggested I do the same with the X-Men films.

xmen

I’m still not promising to watch The Wolverine, Mek. But here’s a look back at our first encounter with the glorious Mr. Hugh Jackman.

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