Last week, the world learned that there would be a Bones/Sleepy Hollow crossover, which seemed . . . strange, considering that Bones is a criminal procedural with absolutely zero supernatural elements (brain tumor-induced hallucinations of dead people and cartoon characters aside), and Sleepy Hollow is a show about an 18th century soldier who gets resurrected into the modern era by his imprisoned witch wife so that he might become one-half of a supernatural crime-fighting duo destined to try and stop the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse from destroying the world. They’re not exactly peanut butter and jelly, is what I’m saying.
Of course, then I immediately had to come up with my own ridiculous crossovers. (Potential SPOILERS for all shows mentioned.)
1. Scott McCall’s Pack of Miscellaneous-Creatures-That-Are-Mostly-Not-Werewolves Scouts Colleges in Central City
Teen Wolf meets The Flash
Stiles may have a vision that involves the pack moving to the Bay Area, but everyone decides to check out some (heretofore unmentioned) college in Central City anyway, over his animated and vehement protests. Of course, there’s a grisly werewolf murder as soon as they get there.
Flash and the gang investigate, naturally assuming the culprit is a metahuman, but are abruptly introduced to the supernatural once they meet Scott’s pack. Scott and Barry have some hero bonding time, while Sheriff Stilinski (acting as chaperone) commiserates with Joe on being the parent/law enforcement in-on-the-know. Lydia will help Caitlin with science things (and possibly fashion tips), while Cisco and Stiles will obviously geek out together — or, alternatively, hate each other because they’re both The Funny One. (I’m so torn on this.) Meanwhile, Kira will probably kick some werewolf ass (and bond with Iris, I guess?) while Malia will mostly be around to point out all the mistakes the Flash gang regularly makes. (For some reason, Malia point blankly informing Barry that his ideas are stupid fills me with such joy.)
Things will end happily, keeping to The Flash’s generally lighter tone, but if we need a Big Emotional Moment at some point, that will obviously go to Cisco and/or Stiles. Malia should (a) mistake Barry, Cisco, Iris, and Caitlin for high schoolers, and (b) be surprised at how many people actually wear shirts in Central City, as opposed to Beacon Hills. Oh, and Scott and Barry should probably duke it out at least once. You know, for science.
2. The Best Superhero Road Trips End in Clones
Arrow meets Orphan Black
Oliver and Felicity have fucked off to the open road, leaving their vigilantism and unnecessary angst behind in Starling City. Unfortunately, they get a panicked SOS from Roy, who has somehow found himself in Toronto, ass deep in Clone Club problems.
I’ll admit, I don’t have any idea how Roy became involved in Clone Club problems, and I don’t care. What I do care about is a scene where Helena strokes Roy’s exquisitely beautiful cheek and says something like, “I have boyfriend, but you are very cute. You will protect babies with me, yes?” and Roy is utterly terrified.
Felicity and Felix will get along, obviously, and will both get immense satisfaction from watching Felicity’s cell phone video of Oliver doing the salmon ladder. Felicity will have to nerd out with Cosima, too, possibly playing extra geeky board games. Meanwhile, Allison will host some kind of wholesome cutesy dinner for her new guests, and Oliver will sit through it with his usual tight smile and otherwise vaguely-pained expression.
Diggle won’t come up to visit, but he will video chat with Felicity so he can get a good look at all the clones and, hopefully, have a reaction like this.
3. The Machine Has a New Number, and It’s a Heavily Sedated Sensate
Person of Interest meets Sense8
Finch and Root have brought The Machine back to life, somewhat, but it’s definitely weakened. It does, however, give them a new number: Will Gorski, a policeman from Chicago who has recently gone missing. They manage to track him down in a New York safe house, where Riley, Nomi, and Amanita are continuously drugging him. Reese and Root understandably misread the situation at first and fight Nomi/Sun and Riley/Wolfgang in an epic battle sequence before they all realize they’re trying to do the same thing: save Will.
After everyone’s caught up on the various conspiracies that make up the plots of these shows, Team PoI has to help the Sensates get out of New York (and probably the country) because Samaritan is now on Whispers’ side and is helping to track them down. Nomi, Finch, and Root all have to do some Super Hacking together at some point and, hopefully, Amanita gets the opportunity to both help and annoy the dour Mr. Reese. Cause, c’mon. You know they would be the most delightful pairing.
Everyone makes it out alive at the end, although some of the good guys definitely get shot. Especially Reese, who I think has been shot at least three times in four seasons, and we wouldn’t want things to get too easy for that guy.
4. Goofy Adventure Fantasy Accidentally Stumbles Into Grimdark
The Librarians meets Game of Thrones
So, our Librarians (all of them, including Jenkins) are affected by some kind of magical artifact thingy and get sucked into the world of Game of Thrones. Worse, they get separated and have to figure out how to get back into their own silly-happy world before they’re all brutally and awfully murdered.
Flynn and Baird end up with Brienne and Podrick. Brienne and Baird get along well enough, though Brienne obviously has no use for Flynn and his manic, flailing antics. He’ll probably amuse Pod, though, who I imagine is just happy that Brienne is yelling at someone else, for once. Brienne and Baird will obviously have to do hand-to-hand at some point.
Ezekiel and Stone, meanwhile, will end up at the Wall, arriving just in time to see Jon Snow resurrected by flame. Stone is disgusted with the men of the Watch for betraying their commander (and, also, by the tacky, grotesque artwork that is surely hung improperly on the walls inside), while Ezekiel is mostly freaked out by Melisandre because that woman be scary. Ezekiel will also take the time to mock Jon Snow and all his brooding because that obviously needs to happen whenever possible.
Finally, Cassandra and Jenkins will end up in Mereen with Tyrion and Varys, mostly so Jenkins can be offended that absolutely nobody here is behaving in any kind of noble, Arthurian way and grump a lot about it. Tyrion will snark back, and Varys will be idly fascinated by one of Cassandra’s math visualization things (technical term) while simultaneously wondering how these people have survived this long.
There will be much discussion of power and morality in this crossover. There will also be many instances where each character from one ‘verse asks each character from the other ‘verse, “What is WRONG with you people?”
5. Zombies Arrive at Grey Sloan Memorial Hospital
iZombie meets Grey’s Anatomy
Okay, I haven’t watched Grey’s Anatomy in a few years now, but hey, they both take place in Seattle, so why the hell not, right? Do you know how much more awesome Meredith’s VO narrations would be if they were about zombies? Yeah. SO MUCH more awesome.
There are actually a few ways this can go. iZombie ends its first season at a hospital, and there’s really no reason it couldn’t be Grey Sloan Memorial. (For that matter, I don’t think the show ever named the hospital that Liv used to work at, so Liv could totally have worked or gone to school with one of the interns there. Stephanie, maybe.)
But I kind of don’t want this to be subtle, like, I want a full-on zombie outbreak where various doctors die because, let’s face it, that’s just what doctors do on that show. (Don’t believe me? Here’s a list: George, Sloan, Lexie, Reed, Percy, Heather, and fucking McDreamy. Seriously, they killed both McSteamy AND McDreamy. How does that even happen on a network television show? And that’s not even bringing in all the tragic love interests and dead parents. Grey’s Anatomy is a Show of Death, you mark my words)
So, maybe this could happen: Liz goes with Clive and Ravi on their usual case of the week, but whatever suspect she sees in her vision turns zombie and starts eating other patients and staff. Liz has to stop the zombie outbreak from spreading while somehow keeping Clive (and most everyone else) from figuring out what’s actually going on. (I suspect Ravi will be doing some very fast-talking here.) Bailey, Meredith, and Alex will all find out about zombies and survive as a reward for still being alive from the first season. Cristina will also make a guest appearance because Cristina Yang vs Zombies is a thing that totally needs to happen.
Jo will definitely die, though. Jo will get eaten, like, a LOT. And at least one or two other main cast members will have to bite it. Maybe April? Or Amelia Shepherd? I hear she’s annoying. Or possibly Richard, if you want to tug at the heart strings. How Richard (a mentor) outlasted McDreamy (the One) continues to boggle my fucking mind. But I kind of like him all the more for it.
All right, those are my ridiculous crossover ideas for now. Ideas for your own? Leave them in the comments.