It was my sister’s birthday yesterday, and we did a lot of the low-key, generally-nerdy things that make up my (and, hopefully, her) favorite kind of days: dining out, a trip to the bookstore, a successful game of Castle Panic, and playing a drinking game to The Goonies.

I’m not doing one of my normal reviews for The Goonies today because I already have two reviews in the works, plus a few writing projects that are important beause I could actually get paid for them. I was born a sell-out, kids. I like money.

I also apparently like ruining childhood memories. The drinking game, per usual, did not actually lead to getting drunk — more on that below — but it did lead to a list of the many more realistic ways The Goonies should have turned out. Before we get to that, though, let me give you the Rules in case you, too, like to mix nostalgia with copious amounts of alcohol.

The Goonies Drinking Game

Take a sip whenever

Mikey uses his inhaler
Anyone says the words “rich stuff”
Whenever the kids consult the map
Data uses a gadget
Mouth speaks Spanish
Anyone tells Mouth to shut up
Anyone says “One-Eyed Willy”
Whenever the Fratellis argue
Anytime anyone says a word wrong
Anytime someone says “Goonies never say die”

Despite the fact that I take a ridiculous amount of pleasure coming up with drinking game rules, Mekaela and I aren’t particularly heavy drinkers, so we just played this with sips of hard cider. (We did find out, however, that I apparently take bigger sips than Mekaela does.) Obviously any type or quantity of alcohol could be used in your game, although I beg of you — if you’re taking shots, PLEASE do not do so when Mikey uses his inhaler or when someone says, “One-Eyed Willy.” I will not be responsible for your deaths. (On the other hand “Goonies never say die” is only stated once, so making that a shot is one solid variation.)

One 80’s classic and two bottles of hard cider later, I have come up with six different scenarios for you. Don’t let Steven Spielberg and Richard Donner fool you. This is . . .

What REALLY Happened To The Goonies:

Scenario One:

Mikey, after taking his inhaler four times in ten minutes despite exhibiting zero symptoms of respiratory distress, promptly suffers an episode of tachycardia before he can leave his home to look for hidden pirate treasure. Upon returning from her shopping trip, his mother drives him to the hospital. Though Mikey makes a full recovery, he has no time to discover the rich stuff before his father signs the papers. The Goonies never see each other again. The Fratellis are eventually caught — competence obviously not being one of their finer points — but it takes some time, and several innocent people die before they can be apprehended. This includes Sloth, who is unjustly killed by the police, considering no band of mischievous children appear to stick up for his heroics.

Scenario Two:

Mikey and his friends make it to the restaurant. Brand, unfortunately does not, as Troy’s little stunt running him off the road results in Brand breaking his neck. Andy and Stef find Brand’s body and tell the Goonies outside the restaurant. Obviously heartbroken, Mikey returns home. One-Eyed Willy is never discovered, and the Fratellis (including Sloth) meet the same end as in Scenario Two.

Scenario Three: 

The Goonies safely make it to the caves beneath the fireplace and force Chunk to go fetch the cops on his own, proving once again that they’re pretty terrible friends, not to mention lousy forward-thinkers, as Chunk is the least credible member of the group. When Chunk is naturally captured by the Fratellis, he is tortured for information. And once the helpful bats reveal that he was telling the truth all along, Chuck is then promptly murdered because seriously. We all know this. Thus, Sloth never makes it out of his chains, never having the proper Baby Ruth motivation to break them.

Meanwhile, Andy and Stef are not significantly moved by Mikey’s rousing speech, and choose to ride the bucket up to Troy, the King Douchebag, and his douchebag friends. Unfortunately, Andy doesn’t realize until it’s too late that she was bitten by one of the bats. She contracts rabies and dies days later. On the bright side, Stef lives, although she does develop a fairly understandable case of chiroptophobia.

Sadly, Data dies when his Pinchers of Peril utterly and predictably fail to hold his weight, and he is impaled on the spikes below. The others manage to safely make it down but of course are stymied without Andy to play the piano from Hell. They try anyway, though, as the Fratellis are coming, and even manage to guess one note correctly before plummeting to their doom.

Scenario Four:

The Goonies miraculously make it to One-Eyed Willy’s ship, where the Fratellis catch up with them. However, instead of having them walk the plank for no reason whatsoever, Mama Fratelli and her sons instead immediately skewer the Goonies with their pirate swords. Chunk and Sloth valiantly show up to save the day, only to find a bunch of dead children. Still valiantly, they try to avenge Chunk’s fallen friends. Everyone dies but Mama Fratelli, who accidentally sets off One-Eyed Willy’s trap and is thus trapped forever without Sloth to get her through whatever alternate route.

Scenario Five:

The Goonies and the Fratellis make to the beach. However, when Rosalita discovers the jewels at the last minute, she wisely keeps that discovery to herself so that she can buy herself a better life where she doesn’t have to earn a living by helping supposed drug lords move.

Scenario Six:

The Fratellis make it to the beach, and Rosalita does reveal the jewels. Triumphantly, the papers are ripped up.

Unfortunately, six months later, Data’s parents decide to move to Detroit after all — as parents will do — and Data never sees or hears from any of the Goonies ever again.

Rosalita is fired after Mrs. Walsh discovers the broken statue and incorrectly assumes that she was responsible.

Chunk’s parents do not honor his promise to adopt Sloth, who ends up homeless. Meanwhile, Chunk becomes very depressed, eventually comes to resent his friends for being assholes to him, and stops speaking to them a few years later. Enduring the Truffle Shuffle alone costs him thousands of dollars in therapy.

Mikey also starts going to therapy because Brand rightfully informs their parents that his little brother believed a centuries old skeleton was sentient and had been waiting for him to visit, not to mentioned introduced his friends to said skeleton like this was a legitimately normal thing to do. Mikey is treated for his delusional beliefs; incidentally, he also stands by his decision to throw away his inhaler after years of abusing it. Unfortunately, he doesn’t have the inhaler on him when he suffers an actual asthma attack, having trusted Andy that being a good kisser will make up for his malfunctioning lungs. As the Power of Love (or Lips) is not a scientifically supported remedy for asthma, Mikey of course dies. Brand blames Andy for his brother’s death, and the two break up. Andy doubles down on her conviction that one only needs purely natural remedies for serious physical conditions and creates a blog about them once the internet is born. Brand, meanwhile, goes to college and does pretty well, despite being haunted by persistent dreams that the ghost of his dead brother is now sailing with One-Eyed Willy. Brand also never learns to drive. For Reasons.

Mouth and Stef start having on again/off again hate sex, once Mouth grows up enough that their age difference becomes less creepy. This continues even after they get married to other people.

Finally, the Fratellis escape prison with the same sort of sophisticated techniques they used the last time. The brothers eventually end up killing each other, mostly by accident, but Mama Fratelli lives on to commit terrible crimes and terrify children everywhere with what is clearly not water.

I hope you’ve enjoyed this evening of Ruining Childhood Classics with Carlie St. George. Please remember to tip your wait staff and drink responsibly!