Geek Battle of Blood—FINAL RESULTS!

Well, this is it. The final round, the Superbowl of fantasy fighting. A lot of worthy opponents have gone down in the last few weeks: Buffy, Ripley, Cyclops, Iron Man, the Killer Rabbit, etc. Only two remain standing.

Here is your last battle scenario:

BATMAN VS HELLBOY:

Batman and Hellboy are magically transported to Outworld where the two superheroes can fight on neutral ground for . . . some reason. (Ever played Mortal Kombat vs DC Universe before? Perhaps they’re both infected with glowy-eyed rage or something and don’t entirely know what they’re doing. Who cares, right? Pow! Smash!) Anyway, for those of you who don’t play Mortal Kombat, here is Outworld:

Hellboy attacks immediately, shooting his ridiculously large gun at Batman. Batman runs, jumps, and dodges these bullets, grappling upwards to one of the creepy ass statues and out of sight. Hellboy stalks around, trying to find him and occasionally shooting at the shadows above. In a signature move, Batman flies down from one of the statues and lands both heels squarely in Hellboy’s chest.

Hellboy staggers back a bit, not significantly hurt, but he does drop his gun to the ground. Batman kicks it away. The Dark Knight then attacks with a flurry and fists and feet. Being both highly skilled in martial arts and ninja-quick, he lands many blows, hurting Hellboy a bit. . . but mostly just pissing him off too. Hellboy lands less of his punches, but the ones that connect hit hard. His Right Hand of Doom comes down a few times, and while Batman’s body armor absorbs some of the blow, he’s definitely the more wounded of the two.

Changing tactics, Batman pulls a Bat Smoke Grenade out of his utility belt and throws it. The smoke rises quickly, and Hellboy turns around repeatedly, trying to find his opponent. As Hellboy starts feeling around, Batman throws his Bat Lasso around the demon and uses it to electrocute him, a little. Hellboy collapses to the ground. Batman goes to investigate—

—but Hellboy’s only playing dead. As soon as Batman gets close, Hellboy sweeps his arm around and slams his Right Hand of Doom into Batman’s left knee, audibly crunching it. Batman falls to the ground, releasing the Bat Lasso. Hellboy gets up and sees his gun lying only a couple of feet away. He punches Batman in the face once for good measure and picks up his gun.

Batman tries to get up, but he can’t even stand, much less try to jump away. He digs hastily at his utility belt just as Hellboy starts to turn around. And when Hellboy starts to aim his weapon, Batman pulls out his grapple gun and fires.

The grapple itself strikes Hellboy in the forehead, impaling him just underneath his horns.

Your Champion and Ultimate Winner:

Batman (50%)

The Blasphemous Wench Speaks: Hellboy and Batman tied at twenty votes each, leaving me to be the tie-breaker . . . and I am certainly not objective. During most of the battles, I tried to ignore which character I liked best and focus on which character would actually win . . . but we’ve all got our blind spots . . . and, well. I have every live-action Batman movie, a handful of animated Batman movies, the first season of Batman: The Animated Series, Batman video games, Batman tennis shoes, a few Batman graphic novels, Batman Christmas ornaments, Batman Band-Aids, and Batman pajama pants that I’m actually wearing right now. So, yeah. Objectivity wasn’t on the menu today. Besides, while I know he’s just human and doesn’t have Hellboy’s natural strengths or immunities, I have a lot of faith in that utility belt of his. I wouldn’t even be surprised if he had Demon Repellant Bat Spray. You know. As one does.

Thanks everyone for playing! We’re going to take a week off of surveys to recuperate a bit, but next Monday I’ll have something new for you to vote on.

Geek Battle of Blood . . . FINAL BATTLE!

Okay, it’s finally here. The apocalyptic battle, the Superbowl of Geekdom. Thirty other contenders have been knocked out of the running, leaving only two left standing. . .

BATMAN VS HELLBOY

Batman:

PROS:
Can practically fly.
Multi-billionaire with access to all kind of ridiculously awesome bat-gadgets.
Serious body armor.
Martial arts master.
Master of stealth.

CONS:
Human.

Hellboy:

PROS:
Demon. Large and very strong.
Awesome right hand of doom.
Can heal from many would-be-fatal injuries.
Immunity to fire.
Big damn gun.

CONS:
Not as fast or as stealthy as the Bat.

You have one week to vote. Your champion will be announced February 6th.

Geek Battle of Blood, Round 4 . . . WINNERS!

All right, folks. We’re almost there!

1. BATMAN VS THE BRIDE

The Bride is hired for a tricky job: kill the Joker . . . while he’s locked up in Arkham Asylum. Batman hears about the hit and—despite the fact that his life would be infinitely improved if he would just let the Joker die for once—he rushes down to Arkham to save his archnemesis.

Batman attacks from the shadows, but the Bride hears him coming because she’s not just an assassin—she’s the assassin. They fight hand to hand, each trying to convince the other that they don’t have to do this, but when it becomes clear neither will back down, the Bride pulls out her Hattori Hanso sword. Suddenly, Batman is on the defensive. He grapples to a nearby rafter, out of range from her blade, and throws a batarang at her hand. The sword goes skittering across the floor.

Batman flys back down, kicking the Bride in the chest with both feet. She stumbles back and casts around for a weapon but finds none . . . until a security guard accidentally walks in on their battle. The Bride quickly knocks him out before and takes his gun. She turns to shoot Batman. Batman throws another batarang. This one hits The Bride in the forehead.

And sticks there.

Winner:

Batman (53.33%)

The Blasphemous Wench Speaks: This one was pretty close. Batman started the week by slaughtering The Bride, but she made a huge comeback and only lost by three votes.

2. HELLBOY VS THE KILLER RABBIT

Hellboy is knocked unconscious in a fight with some bad guys. When he awakes, he doesn’t know where he is. It seems to be the middle of freaking nowhere. The only thing he sees besides trees is a cave in the distance. He makes towards the cave . . . when he notices all the bones surrounding it. Hellboy draws his gun, thinking maybe he should just go back the other way—

—when the Killer Rabbit flies out of nowhere, mouth open wide. Hellboy barely manages to get his arm up in time, shooting the Killer Rabbit in the head just before it bites down. The Killer Rabbit falls to the ground. Then Hellboy steps on it, just to make sure.

At least he has something to eat for dinner now.

Winner:

Hellboy (50%)

The Blasphemous Wench Speaks: I haven’t had to break a tie since these fights started, but Hellboy and the Killer Rabbit were neck to neck the whole way through. And as much as I enjoy the idea of the Killer Rabbit fighting Batman in Gotham city, I don’t really think he deserves to be in the final round, not when I know he’s getting votes just for being funny. Besides, I really do think Hellboy would win this one. The Killer Rabbit is the scariest rabbit in the whole world . . . but you know, he IS just a rabbit.

Voting for the final match will begin tomorrow.

Geek Battle of Blood—-ROUND FOUR!!!

The AFC and NFC Championships of Fantasy Fighting are here.

1. BATMAN VS THE BRIDE

Batman:

PROS:
Multi-billionaire with access to all kinds of awesome bat-gadgets
Can practically fly
Serious body armor. Cape included.
Martial arts master. Super stealth.

CONS:
Far more reluctant to kill than, say, an assassin.

The Bride:

PROS:
Martial arts master. Trained by Pai Mei.
Good with all kinds of weapons. Prefers samurai sword.
Hard to kill. (Survived Crazy 88, being buried alive, bullet to the brain, etc.)
Knows Five Point Palm Exploding Heart Technique.

CONS:
Doesn’t bother with body armor.

2. HELLBOY VS KILLER RABBIT

Hellboy:

PROS:
Demon. Large and uber strong.
Right hand of doom.
Hard to kill. Can heal from many would be fatal injuries.
Big gun with special bullets against all kinds of supernatural creatures. Rabbits probably included.

CONS:
Not as fast as Killer Rabbit.

Killer Rabbit:

PROS:
Leaps so fast it practically flies.
Small. Hard target to hit.
Nasty, big, pointy teeth.

CONS:
Really no defense other than its speed. One hit by right hand of doom? Game over, man.

That’s it for this week. Results will be up next Monday, January 30th!

Geek Battle of Blood, Round 3 . . . WINNERS!

Well, no close fights this week. These were all pretty much first round KO’s.

1. HELLBOY VS IRON MAN

After killing Liu Kang in Mortal Kombat, Iron Man is . . . excused from further participation. (Nobody wanted to go up against his missiles.) Back at home, he decides to hold a giant party to celebrate, only things get out of hand quickly, and Hellboy is called in to calm things down. Hellboy figures this is a massive waste of his time and skills, but since Iron Man is drunk and blowing up shit, Hellboy goes to stop him.

Hellboy’s gun has no effect on Iron Man’s armor. They fight hand to hand for awhile, neither really getting the upper hand. When Iron Man gets bored of fighting, he tries to shoot a missile at Hellboy, figuring this strategy has worked exceptionally well for him the last few weeks. But Hellboy just barely jumps out of the way in time, and the missile hits a building behind them instead. Hellboy, who—like most people—does not like missiles to be shot at him, brings his right hand of doom down squarely on Iron Man’s chest. Iron Man goes down. Hellboy brings his hand down again, and Iron Man’s suit crunches, the arc reactor shattering. Such is the end of Iron Man.

Winner:

Hellboy (66.67%)

The Blasphemous Wench Speaks: I really thought this one was going to be a lot closer, but Hellboy owned this fight from beginning to end. To this person who guessed Iron Man vs Killer Rabbit finale . . . sorry. Not this year, apparently.

2. RIPLEY VS THE KILLER RABBIT

After a battle with Selene in space, Ripley decides that a life on a starship is just more hazardous than it’s worth. Unfortunately, her ship’s navigation is on the rocks, and she lands seemingly in the middle of nowhere. It’s also the middle of the night and freezing, so Ripley looks for some form of shelter. She spots a cave and heads toward it. And then the Killer Rabbit emerges.

Ripley’s awesome, so she manages to get at least a few shots off with her giant gun. Unfortunately for her, the Killer Rabbit flies like the wind and dodges them all, landing squarely on her neck and biting down. Hard.

Winner:

Killer Rabbit (61.9%)

The Blasphemous Wench Speaks: The funny thing is, I just assumed that the Killer Rabbit wouldn’t make it all that far in this tournament . . . heh. Silly rabbit. Ripley can take out an alien queen, but apparently a little bunny is just too much for her. Sorry, Ripley.

3. BATMAN VS BLADE

After a tasty meal of mutant, Blade leaves the Mansion and comes to Gotham City, looking for dessert. He runs into Catwoman who, until just a few moments ago, was very busy stealing a few diamond necklaces. Blade is on her before she can react, and he’s about to sink his teeth in . . . when Batman swoops into the picture, launching forward, and kicking Blade in the chest with both feet.

Blade stumbles back. Batman and Blade fight, and Batman is disturbed to find that many of his gadgets have little effect on the former vampire hunter. Blade has his own weapons, though, and attacks Batman with his sword, hoping to pin him in one place in order to feast upon him better. Batman kicks the sword out of Blade’s hand and slides for it before Blade can recover it. Blade moves faster than the eye can see and tries to sneak attack Batman from behind, but since Batman is basically a ninja in a cape, he anticipates this and decapitates Blade.

(Catwoman thanks Batman for saving her life by stealing the Batmobile for a joyride.)

Winner:

Batman (62.5%)

The Blasphemous Wench Speaks: I was a little concerned for Batman going in to this week. Blade had proven to be surprisingly resilient in these fights—I was sure he’d be out in the first round against Buffy—but apparently I needn’t have worried. Batman led this battle the whole week.

4. THE BRIDE VS MAX

There’s not as much money in vigilantism as you’d expect—at least, if you’re not already a billionaire from birth—so the Bride takes on a few hit job to pay the bills. Manticore’s first assassin, Bullseye, failed to kill Max, so they hired the Bride to finish the job. She tries to sneak into Terminal City, but Max catches her on a patrol of the borders, and they fight then and there.

The Bride attacks with her Hanso sword. Max, unarmed, is forced on the defensive and dodges with her super speed and reflexes. At one point, she catches the Bride’s arm and twists the sword out of her grip. They fight hand to hand for a while, Max’s natural strength versus the Bride’s kung fu training, but when Max goes for the Hanso sword that the Bride has dropped, the Bride goes for her gun concealed in her boot. Max doesn’t have time to dodge before the Bride shoots her in the heart.

Winner:

The Bride (78.38%)

The Blasphemous Wench Speaks: The biggest knock-out of the week. The Bride killed Max in this poll. Frankly, I’m just happy Max made it this far at all. I still kind of miss Dark Angel. Second season had some problems, but it ended on a really strong note, and I think it deserved a third season.

That’s it for this week. New match-ups—only two this time—will be posted tomorrow.

Geek Battle of Blood—ROUND THREE!!!

The competition has seriously thinned out over the last two weeks. Only eight contenders left. Only four battles to decide on.

1. HELLBOY VS IRON MAN

Hellboy:

PROS:
Demon. Large and very strong.
Right hand of doom.
Hard to kill. Can heal from many would-be-fatal injuries.
Immunity to fire.

CONS:
Probably not immune to missiles.
Doesn’t come with a tracking system.

Iron Man:

PROS:
Serious body armor.
Can fly.
Did I mention the missiles?

CONS:
Tech malfunctions. The Iron Man suit is powerful, but it can get damaged or lose power, and if the fight is between Hellboy and Tony Stark? Less of a contest.

2. RIPLEY VS THE KILLER RABBIT

Ripley:

PROS:
Certified badass.
BFG gun + power loader.
Taken on giant aliens and lived.

CONS:
Not as quick as the Killer Rabbit.

Killer Rabbit:

PROS:
Jumps so fast it practically flies.
Nasty, big, pointy teeth.
Small. Hard target to hit.

CONS:
A small size also makes it more vulnerable to harm.

3. BATMAN VS BLADE

Batman:

PROS:
All kinds of crazy tech and tools. Surely a Bat-stake in there somewhere.
Can practically fly.
Body armor.
Martial arts master.

CONS:
Still just a human. Not as naturally strong and doesn’t heal as rapidly.

Blade:

PROS:
Super strength.
Super speed.
Great reflexes.
Resilient to injury.

CONS:
Blade has some weapons, but definitely less access to money or best tech. Also, he doesn’t have a cape. You gotta have a cape.

4. THE BRIDE VS MAX

The Bride:

PROS:
Professional, trained assassin.
Ridiculously proficient in multiple weapon. Favors samurai sword.
All sorts of martial arts.
Hard to kill.

CONS:
Human. Not as fast or strong as Max is.
Doesn’t heal as rapidly.

Max:

PROS:
Transgenic with cat DNA. Super strong, super fast, great reflexes, agility, etc.
Engineered and trained to be a supersoldier.
Can jump really high distances.
Doesn’t need sleep.

CONS:
Doesn’t use guns.

All right, folks, that’s it. Results will be posted January 23rd.

Geek Battle of Blood—ROUND TWO!!!!

Same rules and regulations as last week, folks. Please only vote once per battle for your champion of choice. Winners will be posted on January 16th.

1. THE BRIDE VS THE KURGAN

The Bride:

PROS:
Deadly assassin. Trained in a bajillion ways to kill people.
Excellent with samurai swords. Decapitation? No problem.
All sorts of martial arts.
Not easily killed—survived getting shot in the head, buried alive, and the Crazy 88.

CONS:
No matter how resourceful The Bride is, she still must decapitate the Kurgan if she wants to survive—and he can (potentially) kill her in a variety of different ways.
Has never experienced The Quickening.

The Kurgan

PROS:
Has survived for centuries upon centuries.
Presumably pretty handy with a sword by now.
Brute strength.
Vicious as hell.

CONS:
Not as smart or resourceful as the Bride.
Even if he can’t be killed any other way but decapitation, The Kurgan can still be injured and slowed down by other means—and the Bride has a lot of weapons in her disposal.

2. BATMAN VS ROBOCOP

Batman:

PROS:
Can practically fly.
Exceptionally skilled fighter—dozens of martial arts.
Tons of gadgets on that utility belt—batarang, grappling gun, flash grenades, etc.
Rich as hell. Could potentially just buy out OCP and become seriously problematic for RoboCop’s prime directives.

CONS:
Doesn’t use guns.
Feels more pain than a cyborg.

RoboCop:

PROS:
Uses guns.
Targeting system.
Very good body armor—possibly even better than Batman’s.
Hard to injure.

CONS:
Nowhere near as fast as Batman.
Certainly not as stealth. Clunks rather loudly, I’d imagine.

3. HELLBOY VS GANDALF

Hellboy:

PROS:
Demon. Immensely strong with a right hand of doom.
Can heal from many would-be-fatal injuries.
Natural immunity to fire.
Big damn gun.

CONS:
No actual magic.
Certainly can’t pass for helpless

Gandalf:

PROS:
Awesome sword plus staff fight combo.
Magic. Particularly good at breaking bridges and depossessing people.
Surely wiser than Hellboy.
Occasionally gets do-overs on the whole dying thing, if the narrative calls for it.

CONS:
Nowhere near as strong as Hellboy
Gun almost always beats a sword.

4. WORF VS KILLER RABBIT

Worf:

PROS:
Trained Klingon warrior.
Skilled at martial arts.
Naturally strong.
Good with bat’leth and phaser.

CONS:
Klingons often have problems with soft, furry creatures.

Killer Rabbit:

PROS:
Ridiculously fast.
Small. Likely hard to hit.
Bloodthirsty.
Has killed many an armed warrior before.

CONS:
Those warriors were always human, and they never had phasers.

5. ASH VS MAX

Ash:

PROS:
Chainsaw hand.
Good with a boomstick.
Squares off with demon-possessed things on a daily basis.

CONS:
No match for Max’s natural speed/agility/strength.
Seriously, klaatu barada nikto. How hard is that to remember?

Max:

PROS:
Transgenic. Super strength, speed, agility, reflexes, etc.
Designed and trained as a supersoldier.
No need for sleep.

CONS:
Won’t use guns. Doesn’t eliminate long-distance attacks entirely, but certainly makes them harder.

6. RIPLEY VS SELENE

Ripley:

PROS:
Buff and completely badass.
Access to future tech, big ass guns, power loader, etc.
Takes on big icky aliens for breakfast.

CONS:
Still human. Not as strong or as fast as a vampire.

Selene:

PROS:
Super strength, speed, agility, etc. Resistant to most injury.
Can’t be killed with the usual weapons against vampires: sunlight, etc.
Also uses very powerful guns.

CONS:
Any weaponry Selene has is modern day.  Could potentially be disadvantaged in unfamiliar settings, like on a spaceship.

7. BLADE VS CYCLOPS

Blade:

PROS:
Exceptionally strong. Great reflexes, agility, etc.
None of the usual vampire problems—sunlight, etc.

CONS:
He’s resilient to a lot of injury . . . but probably not to Cyclops optic blasts at full power.

Cyclops:

PROS:
Big damn optic blasts.
Trained against all kinds of mutants with various types of abilities.

CONS:
Training might only take him so far. Still less naturally strong and fast.

8. IRON MAN VS LIU KANG

Iron Man:

PROS:
Serious body armor.
Missiles come with the costume.
Can fly.

CONS:
There’s not a lot of stealth to being Iron Man. Likely not as quick, either.
No magic.

Liu Kang:

PROS:
Awesome martial artist with moves that continuously defy gravity.
Can shoot fire from his hands.
Can turn into a dragon.

CONS:
No missiles.
No body armor.

The 2nd Annual Geek Battle of BLOOD!

Happy New Year, everybody! We at My Geek Blasphemy (er, me) like to celebrate this time of year with a (relatively new) tradition of fantasy geek-fighting.

What this means:

I have chosen 32 fighters from various movies, video games, and television shows. I have pitted these fighters against one another in sixteen different match-ups. It will be your job to choose the winner of each battle. The losers will go home crying to their fictional mothers. The winners will continue into next week’s match-ups until we have an Ultimate Fighting Champion!

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