And the Great Horror Remake Shall Be . . .

Last week, I asked (and in some cases, begged) you to pick which classic horror movie you’d most like to see remade. It turned out to be a pretty tough battle, but in the end a victor arose.

saw

Quentin Tarantino remaking Saw!

Now I need to need cast this. Who are we thinking in the room — shall we stick to standard Tarantino regulars, like Christoph Waltz and Tim Roth, perhaps? And who should be Jigsaw? I mean, it has to be Samuel L. Jackson, right? Or would he be far too obvious? Well, that’s the problem remaking movies with a Big Twist: it’s kind of already ruined for you, unless you change the twist, of course. But the original had a pretty good one.

Coming in at a close second place: Guillermo del Toro remaking Suspiria. The bronze medal, meanwhile, must be split between Tarsem Singh’s take on A Nightmare on Elm Street and the Coen brothers’ take on The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Total Loser Award is surprisingly given to no one because everybody got at least one vote, even Tim Burton and Wes Anderson, who I feared for the most.

Honestly, I could probably watch all of these remakes. David Lynch doing House of Wax would probably be my own personal least favorite, knowing that Lynch rides the line for me between Awesomely Disturbing and Unpleasantly Icky. If I personally had to pick one, though . . . yeah, it would probably be Wes Anderson doing I Know What You Did Last Summer. I doubt it would be the most successful of the proposed reboots (I suspect del Toro could do some pretty fabulous things with Suspiria) and would probably function best as a dark comedy instead of a true slasher . . . but man, I want to see it anyway. The whole idea of it just delights me to no end.

Well, that’s it for our annual Halloween-themed poll, everyone. As always, thanks for playing!

Auteur Horror – Which Remake Do You Want to See?

Happy October, everyone. To celebrate my favorite time of year, I have a new poll for you today, and it concerns both remakes and how much more exciting (and weirder) they could totally be.

Remakes generally get a bad rap, but one of the problems, I think, is that so many of the reboots today are just so utterly generic and uninspired. It’s rare when anyone does anything really new with one — which made me wonder how some of Hollywood’s most unique directors, known specifically for their distinctive voices and styles, would approach remaking a well-known horror movie.

Your mission today, should you choose to accept it, is to pick the horror movie remake that you’d most like to see as created by the director specified. You cannot mix and match the directors, sorry, but I have provided links so that you can glance at a few trailers, should you wish, and get an idea/remind yourself of their aesthetic. I’ve also posted links for the original movie trailers. (Though sometimes I had to use fan-made trailers or just straight clips when the official trailers themselves were useless. House of Wax and Suspiria, I’m looking at you, buddies.)

Here are your contenders:

1. David Lynch (Blue Velvet, Mulholland Drive) directs House of Wax

Two disclaimers: first, the link to House of Wax contains SPOILERS . . . for a 1953 Vincent Price movie, so I feel like you can handle it. Second: I haven’t actually watched said movie. That’s bad, I know. I do know what happens, and I’ve seen the not-at-all close remake (boy, have I), but we’re going to stick with the original today. Honestly, I suspect that a David Lynch remake would stray pretty far from the source material too.

What would a Lynch remake look like, exactly, though? It’s hard to say. But wax museums are just inherently creepy, and Christ knows Lynch could manage to make them even creepier. No doubt it would be erotic, too. I’m unnerved just thinking about it.

2. Guillermo del Toro (Pan’s Labyrinth, Crimson Peak) directs Suspiria

Okay, guys, let’s be real here: this would have to be the most gothically gorgeous ballet academy ever run by evil witches. I mean, it would almost be worth actually attending, wouldn’t it? After all, what are a few maggots and dead bodies compared to such beautiful architecture and intensely baroque fashion? (I’m almost positive Jane Austen said something like that once.)

Suspiria in del Toro’s hands? Seriously, just imagine the pure decadence.

3. Wes Anderson (The Grand Budapest Hotel, The Royal Tenenbaums) directs I Know What You Did Last Summer

Not exactly known for directing films anywhere near the horror genre, Wes Anderson did nonetheless surprise me by creating a pretty creepy chase scene in The Grand Budapest Hotel . . . and I’ve wondered what a horror movie by him would look like ever since. A slasher, especially.

What I’m picturing here is something like this: the usual Cast of Characters, quite possibly a narrator, and of course individual objects on display: Helen’s cut off hair, the blackmail letter, the fish hook, etc. Who wouldn’t pay to watch that?

4. Quentin Tarantino (Reservoir DogsInglourious Basterds) directs Saw

Because, when you get right down to it, Saw is really a movie about two guys sitting in a room talking to each other.

Obviously, there’s a lot of horrific violence too — which I think we all know the QT could handle — but if your movie basically centers around one long and super tense conversation, I mean, who better to write and direct it than Quentin Tarantino?

5. Tarsem Singh (The Cell, Immortals) directs A Nightmare on Elm Street

I didn’t actually see the remake of A Nightmare on Elm Street, but I bet all the money in my pocket right now that the nightmares themselves were pretty mundane.

Here, though. Here I have absolutely no doubt that the dream imagery in this remake would be fantastic, lush and surreal and creepy as all hell. Which is probably what you want from a movie that literally has ‘nightmare’ in the title. The visuals in this thing would be stunning.

6. The Coen Brothers (No Country for Old Men, Fargo) direct The Texas Chainsaw Massacre

Okay, there have been, like, dozens of these remakes, and also sequels, and sequels to the remakes, and prequels to the remakes too . . . but none of them have been done by guys who have actually won multiple Oscars before. And the Coen Brothers don’t seem particularly averse to bloody violence. For that matter, they seem pretty okay with filming stories set in the South, too, and pretending that their movies are based on a real story when they’re totally not.

Honestly, though, I think it could be kind of cool. It’s like Horror for Grown-Ups! At the very least, I assume it would bring horror back to the Oscars.

7. Tim Burton (Edward Scissorhands, Sleepy Hollow) directs The Shining

Okay, I know there are some of you howling, and I get it — but this could be early days Tim Burton, and Johnny Depp doesn’t have to be anywhere near it. (Unless that’s actually a draw. Oh, how it used to be a draw.)

I can see The Overlook being super gothic and weird and hopefully all bent at really strange angles. I can absolutely see how the topiary scene from the novel could work. Burton’s mostly known for the darker, weirder side of family friendly, but seeing more actual horror from him might be kind of interesting. (Alternatively, I’m desperately curious to what the family friendly version of The Shining would look like. Honestly, I almost want to see that more.)

And . . . yep, that’s it. As always, I love to hear your arguments/reasonings, but you never need to justify your choice. Are you only interested in Tim Burton doing The Shining if Johnny Depp plays Jack Torrance? That’s fine, even if that’s not something I, myself, personally want to see. Do you think a Wes Anderson horror movie would be a hilarious disaster that you need to watch before you die? That’s cool too. You can pick for funniest sounding movie or scariest sounding movie. All reasons are valid, unless you’re actively trying to be an asshole.

The poll will be up for one week. Comment to vote, preferably on the blog, but Facebook and Twitter will work fine too. (Or if you know me personally, I suppose you can just tell me — but then everyone’s going to accuse me of cheating, and it’s going to be all your fault.) Please remember, though, that you can only vote for ONE movie. By all means, go ahead and write out your internal struggle, but I do need you to be clear on which one you’re actually voting for by the end, or I can’t count your vote for either.

Coming Soon-Ish: Jem, Supergirl, Lucifer, and Legends

Jem and the Holograms

Now, I didn’t actually watch the 80’s cartoon. My sister did, but I’m a few years too young for it. We did have some of dolls, though: Jem, Rio, and Storm — well, Stormer, I guess. We never called her that. Also, young, suave Rio in this movie is particularly hilarious to me, since our Rio was kind of an ugly doll with purple hair and no legs. In our Barbie games, he tended to be a villainous and/or scheming millionaire who would very often get murdered to start the plot. I was sure Google would help with the visual assist, but I can’t seem to find the dolls, or at least, not the right ones. Anyway, I didn’t think I really had any particular expectations for this movie — I certainly wasn’t expecting soapy murder mysteries with shocking death traps, sadly — but I guess I figured there’d be, like, holograms? The Misfits? Some kind of an action scene?

Instead, Jem and the Holograms appears to be a two hour version of “Don’t Speak” by No Doubt — or a remake of Josie and the Pussycats, but without Alan Cumming, Rosario Dawson, attempted murder, or subliminal messaging. Basically, it looks like suckiness. And I can’t help but be disappointed that the music isn’t, you know, even vaguely punk. I’m not saying I needed the Sex Pistols here. But this is just so . . .ugh.

Crimson Peak

I’m still not hugely interested in the plot of this one — newly married woman, duplicitous husband, spooky house, blah blah blahcakes — but I have to admit some of the shots look fantastic, and the fashion. I don’t even want to see this for Tom Hiddleston. I want to see this for Mia Wasikowska’s costumes. They’re so awesome. Pretty dresses and bloodshed. That’s what I’m interested in.

Although, honestly, I’d be at least 20% more excited about this movie if our heroine looked like she might actually have something of a personality instead of just being a terrorized blonde woman in a big white dress. That’s not a knock to Wasikowska, because I think she’s a hell of an actress. But if her character has actual character traits, and ones that aren’t, like, virtue . . . well. Let’s just say I’d be surprised.

Supergirl

I have incredibly mixed feelings about this.

People have been comparing this trailer to the Black Widow skit SNL recently did, and honestly, it’s not hard to see why. I automatically want to support any female-lead superhero show because I know so many women, myself very much included, who love superheroes and comic books and action movies, and it pisses me off that Hollywood won’t take us seriously. I want to be supportive, but in this new era of Superhero TV, I watch this trailer and think, “This isn’t what I want from a female superhero show. I want badass fight scenes, hard choices, interesting characters, explosions. I don’t want boy drama and lattes and oh, I can’t remember my name because you’re hot and I’m a girl, hee hee hee, whoops, look at me trip now.”

That all being said . . . what I want from a female-led superhero show probably isn’t what a Supergirl show should be about. Supergirl has, to my understanding, always been a considerably lighter character than many other DC players, and I genuinely like Kara’s enthusiasm here and how she pretty much embraces being different and powered and awesome. I like that she isn’t hiding her true nature from either her sister or best friend (although the nerdy BFF who has a crush on her — ugh, let’s drop him down a well), and there are a couple of moments that actually made me laugh. So, it’s not what I want, but that doesn’t make it bad. Not yet, anyway.

I will probably give Supergirl a try. But if they actually use that terrible, “This is My Fight Song,” in the show itself, I will not be responsible for my actions. Seriously, forget whatever I said about the music in Jem and the Holograms. Gah. This just kills me.

Legends of Tomorrow

Now, this, I’m a lot more interested in, even if it looks like it could be something of a hot mess. Seriously, Victor Garber’s skepticism seems well-founded. I knew Captain Cold and Heatwave were in this show, but they’re on the team? Good God. Dominic Purcell is going to take down his camp factor by about 20%, right? I mean, I roll my eyes and deal with it on The Flash, but I don’t know if I can take that shit every single week.

Still. Ha, they’re bringing in Vandal Savage. The team constantly traveling through time to try and take down their immortal archnemesis could be fun. And I’m interested in both White Canary and Hawkgirl, even if this isn’t the Hawkgirl I fell in love with on JLU. Also, despite his creepy stalker beginnings, I kind of adore Atom, not to mention time-traveling Rory. So, yeah, I’m interested.

Whether I think this show can keep itself glued together or not, though . . . that remains to be seen.

Between

Huh. This is like The 100 meets The Stand meets Under the Dome, or something. The basic premise is kind of interesting, but I’m not sure the teaser itself is doing much for me. I feel like it’s not doing anything particularly new with the concept, but it is a relatively short trailer and the show itself could be more exciting. I’ll probably wait to see what everyone else says before giving it a try myself.

Containment

And . . . it’s another mysterious disease/quarantine show, only this one doesn’t just kill everyone over the age of 22 because of Reasons. (What cracks me up is that this show is on CW, while the show you’d think would be on CW is actually on Netflix.) I’m slightly more interested in Containment, though not hugely excited by it, either. Mostly, I’m just distracted by Aeryn Sun with a shaky American accent and what appears to be a Goldilocks wig. Seriously, I couldn’t stop thinking of Farscape and “John Quixote,” only here I’m supposed to take her seriously? It’s . . . weird. I really don’t get it.

Crazy Ex-Girlfriend

Oh my God, KILL IT WITH FIRE.

Okay, look. I know it’s a comedy, and I don’t necessarily object to more singing and big dance numbers on TV, but . . . it’s an entire show centered around a crazy woman who moves across the country to follow a guy who dumped her, like, ten years ago. That’s the premise of the show: that women be nuts. Maybe I could’ve gotten around it if the main character was the only crazy woman, but she’s not — apparently, she has this friend who tells her she’s not insane, she’s just in love, and he must be too because otherwise his Facebook status would have changed, and oh my God, it’s seriously a whole show about how women turn into crazy idiots whenever men are involved.

The bartender getting a funny at the end isn’t enough. I need something else to cheer me up now.

Finally . . . Lucifer

Well, that did it.

Seriously, I know this is a ridiculous premise. I know it will be a ridiculous show. I know virtually nothing about it makes sense, but the guy playing Lucifer is stupidly charming, and I now want to see him solve crimes.

Look, I didn’t say I had shame. But I like to laugh, and man, I grinned all the way through that.

Coming Soon-Ish: Vigilantes, Vampires, Leprechauns, and TEEN WOLF!

The Equalizer

Somewhat mixed feelings on this. I have this natural inclination towards vigilante stories, and I like both Denzel Washington and Chloe Grace Moretz quite a lot, but . . . I’m not sure. For some reason, the inclusion of the Russian mafia made me significantly less interested in the story, and I wish it looked like Moretz had a bigger role than Imperiled Hooker. (I mean, she might. I’m just not getting that impression from the trailer.)

I could try this out, but I’m not exactly getting wow, this looks AWESOME vibes from it yet. It doesn’t really seem like a fresh take on anything. And I kind of started giggling the second I saw The Old Man and the Sea. I don’t even know why. It just made me laugh.

Birdman

This, though. Well. This looks original, I’ll give it that. I don’t entirely know what to do with this teaser, but it has, at least, successfully managed to grab my interest. Also, it has a great cast, led by Michael Keaton, who appears to be playing a washed up actor who once played a beloved superhero.

This is exactly how I like my casting: ridiculously on the nose.

Leprechaun: Origins

Holy crap, this looks terrible. I mean, that’s pretty apparent from the title, but still . . . wow. Is that thing really supposed to be a leprechaun? Can this franchise actually get WORSE than Leprechaun 4: In SpaceLeprechaun 5: In the Hood, and Leprechaun 6: Back 2 tha Hood? Cause at least those looked ludicrously, magically campy. This just looks awful.

Clearly, I need to see it immediately.

The Strain

I think I actually own a copy of this book — I found it for like a buck at a book fair — but never quite got around to reading it. Probably won’t, either, before July, but I might check out the television show anyway. Cause, you know. Guillermo del Toro, and it looks atmospheric and creepy enough. (Though the plane thing kind of reminds me of the pilot in Fringe. I mean, it’s totally different — I just think ‘freak plane thing’ and I think Fringe. Or Lost. We need to have more fictional freak Amtrak incidents or something.)

Also, looks like David Bradley’s in this — possibly playing a good guy, even — as well as Sean Astin and Kevin Durand, at least for a couple of episodes. I do so enjoy eight foot tall Kevin Durand. And the season is only twelve episodes long, so it might be a short, fun thing to keep me going after (sob) Game of Thrones ends this weekend.

Teen Wolf: Season 4

But who am I kidding? This is the show that’s going to keep me going after GoT is over. It’ll be a little weird and sad, not being able to obsessively marathon this season like I did with all the others. On the other hand, it might actually be nice, not being spoiled for all the big developments.

I know I probably have too high hopes, after last season’s total awesomeness, but this trailer looks pretty great. Lacrosse is back. Shirtless Derek is back. KATE IS BACK! The monsters look sufficiently creepy, and Stiles’s line about professional killers cracks me up, the way his lines pretty much always do. (I’m assuming Stiles will have a slightly less angsty season, which is fine . . . but I hope they don’t pull away from the angst entirely. You know, he DID kill people while being possessed by an evil fox spirit. I’d like to see some Feels about that, please.)

I am looking forward to June 23rd way, WAY too much.