Holy shit, this is it. This is it. Three final episodes, one big wrap-up, and we’re officially done with our giant Star Trek: TOS project.
Let’s just get straight to it, shall we?
I Love You! I’ve Known You a Day!
World’s Worst Trekkie: “Requiem for Methuselah,” “The Way to Eden,” and “The Cloud Minders”
Holy shit, only six episodes to go! SIX EPISODES LEFT, PEOPLE.
“Requiem for Methuselah”
Okay. For real. What the fuck is this?
A fatal epidemic is raging on the Enterprise, so our Holy OT3 beam down to this zero-pop planet to find the cure—only to run into Flint, an all-powerful old bastard who eventually invites them home to meet his super smart adopted daughter, Rayna. Flint is shifty as hell: he has unknown da Vinci paintings and Brahms’ compositions that seem to be the real deal, but were made way too recently. Also, he’s clearly jealous of Kirk and Rayna while simultaneously pushing them together. Turns out, Flint actually is da Vinci and Brahms (I was afraid of this), as well as Methuselah, Merlin, Solomon, Alexander the Great, Lazarus of Bethany, and probably a bunch of other people, too. Rayna, meanwhile, is a robot. Flint has been trying to create himself the perfect woman and has been using Kirk to “wake up” Rayna’s emotions, since she’s pretty non-responsive to Flint’s kisses. (Frankly, she doesn’t seem that into Kirk, either, and who can blame her? Even for TOS, their love story is absurdly paced here.)
Flint briefly miniaturizes the Enterprise and plans to kill our OT3, but that angers Rayna, who discovers her true nature and has a lovely moment of self-empowerment, realizing she makes her own choices and no one can tell her what to do. Unfortunately, trying to A) adjust to these newfound emotions, and B) choose between two men she loves equally is too much for Rayna’s poor female robot brain, and she dies. (Or, as Spock puts it: “The joys of love made her human, and the agonies of love destroyed her.” FFS.) Flint lets them go, I guess, and everyone on the Enterprise is cured, although Kirk is too busy moping about the 90th love of his life to give a shit. He falls asleep, wishing he could forget, and Spock (after a brief discussion with Bones, who also wishes Jim could forget—but nevertheless takes the time to needle Spock about his inability to love because that’s Bones for you) unilaterally decides to mind meld with a sleeping Kirk and steal his memories of Rayna away. Holy unethical bullshit, Batman!
There’s just . . . I really don’t have anything positive to say here except that it’s kinda cool to see James Daly as Flint, I guess, because he’s Tim and Tyne Daly’s father. (Also, his outfit is hilarious, as all TOS outfits are.) Otherwise . . . yeah. I’ve never been very into historical retcon tropes like Beethoven Was an Alien Spy, and this one is particularly ridiculous, cause like, come on, Flint is ALL these guys? This is absurd. Did humanity even accomplish anything, or was it all just this one motherfucker? Then we’ve got the love story, which . . . look, insta-love is nothing new for Trek, but this is especially egregious. Kirk’s acting like he’s been in love with Rayna for the better part of a decade; it’s actually been less than four hours, which we know because anything more than that, and everyone on the Enterprise would be dead. That’s the kind of plot clock that should give this episode some tension, but totally doesn’t because Kirk is too busy giving laughable speeches about love to remember his people are dying. (It would also help if we saw any of our regulars sick. Hell, even a handful of extras in Sickbay would do.) Then we’ve got Rayna’s death, which is infuriating: it’s more of TOS’s logic bomb nonsense, but with the added insult of equating romantic love with humanity, which, gah. And then Spock just up and psychically assaults his BFF? Like with good intentions, sure, but still—in the wise words of Jake Peralta—cool motive, still murder.
Chief Asshat: All of them.
MVP: Louise Sorel, who plays Rayna. Rayna deserves fix-it fanfic immediately.
Grade: Pistachio
Line of the Episode: “I am close to experiencing an unaccustomed emotion.”
“The Way to Eden”
Christ, it’s all downhill from here, isn’t it?
On the upside, I’ve seen GIFs from this episode for years now and am delighted to finally have an explanation for the unlikely jam session seen above. Also, I’ve learned that an early rejected draft of this episode introduced Bones’s daughter, Joanna, a character I’ve only ever come across in Alternate Original Series fanfic, so that’s kind of neat. On the other hand, whew, The Enterprise vs. A Cult of Space Hippies is painful, and it’s painful for a lot of reasons. Uhura’s absence doesn’t even make the Top 5, but it’s still weird as hell to see some white blonde lady at her station.
Our heroes chase down a stolen shuttle. It’s about to enter Romulan space and, more urgently, explode, but luckily the thieves are beamed aboard before that can happen. The thieves—henceforth known as the SHC or Space Hippie Cult—are a group of young people who reject technology and authority and otherwise want to live free. They also wear sorta-futuristic hippie clothing, use a bunch of future slang that I don’t buy, and sing about fucking everything. Under the direction of their leader, Dr. Sevrin, the SHC are searching for Eden; unfortunately, Sevrin is a carrier for some disease that came about from creating artificial atmospheres? Like, you can see why the guy’s bitter about technology, but he’s also 100% willing to risk infecting/killing anyone he comes across, and if he did successfully settle on a planet without the proper vaccinations/medicines, he could easily spread a whole ass plague. So, fuck this guy.
Usually, Kirk is the one to wax poetic about living the simple life, so you’d think he’d be the most sympathetic with the SHC; instead, it’s Spock because he . . . apparently relates to their feeling of alienation? Oh, that feels like a stretch. Maybe if the hippies were actually thoughtful, well-rounded characters and not easily-led, cheerfully obnoxious idiots. At any rate, the SHC quickly manages to take over the ship, partially because Chekov used to date one of them, Irina, and accidentally tells her how—whoops—but mostly because it’s absurdly easy to take over the Enterprise whenever the plot calls for it. FFS, their whole plan to free Sevrin from isolation?
A) Put on a little concert
B) Blast the music ship-wide
C) Wait for the security guard to sway around, distracted by the groovy song, before knocking him out.
That’s it. That’s the whole plan, and it’s even stupider because it works. (On the upside, it’s nice to see someone besides Kirk have the Romance of the Week—even if Chekov is a whiny jerk the whole time.) At any rate, the SHC once again heads through Romulan space on their way to Eden, but don’t worry; this will come to absolutely nothing. Instead, our hippies steal a shuttle and land on a planet that appears to be paradise— only all the plant life is full of acid, and not the fun kind. One hippie, Adam, dies from a bite of poisonous fruit; truly, this is a subtle episode. Kirk and co. save the rest of the SHC except for Sevrin, who’d rather die than return—or possibly has just convinced himself that he’s meant to survive. (Sevrin is diagnosed as insane, but mostly, dude just seems like an asshole willing to delude himself and others because he can’t afford to back out now.) Sevrin bites into a fruit and dies. Bye, terrible man!
Chekov and Irina fondly say goodbye, which is a nice moment except how it makes very little sense. Chekov’s been a sullen shit this whole episode, but after Irina’s leader tried to murder him and everyone else, he likes her again? Two of Irina’s friends are dead, Eden was a massive bust, and she’s heading off to face presumably criminal charges, but she’s feeling warm and flirty? God, who wrote this?
Chief Asshat: Sevrin, although I also wanted to throw things at Chekov.
MVP: Oh, definitely Nurse Chapel. She’s in this episode for about five seconds, but the way she says “you’re next” to one of the space hippies like she is absolutely 100% done with their shit? It’s a thing of beauty.
Grade: Pistachio
Line of the Episode:
“Be incorrect, occasionally.”
“And you be correct.”
“Occasionally.”
“The Cloud Minders”
Okay! Okay, this is better. Perfect, no, but it’s not crushing my goddamn soul, at least.
A botanical plague threatens to wipe out all vegetation on this planet, endangering the lives of everyone there. The Enterprise goes to a different planet to pick up some zenite, the only cure; unfortunately, the landing party is attacked by a group of Troglytes who live and work in the mines. They’re rebelling against the rich people who live in Stratos, a city in the clouds where art is the chief occupation and violence has (supposedly) been eliminated. High Advisor Plasus and his daughter Droxine believe the Troglytes must remain in the mines, providing a vital function for society, as they’re much too inferior and ignorant and violent to live in the clouds. Bones then discovers the Troglytes are considerably more violent and less intelligent, but it’s because the zenite they’re mining emits a hazardous gas in its raw form. Kirk tries to warn everyone and trade the zenite for a bunch of filter masks, but nobody believes him. Finally, Kirk manages to convince Vanna (the Troglyte leader) when he and Plasus try to kill one another under the influence of the gas. Our heroes get the zenite, Vanna vows her people will now make real political change, and Droxine (apparently) sees the error of her ways and goes off to live amongst the miners for a while.
I primarily associate cloud cities with The Empire Strike Back, so it’s kind of neat (and slightly hilarious) to see one here that predates the film by roughly a decade. Trek costumes are always delightful, of course, and this episode is no exception. There are some decent lines here, and examining a dystopian society feels much more on brand for Star Trek, rather than, say, “annoying young hippies . . . but in space!” I’m not terribly convinced the hazardous gas is necessary, or at least I think the story would be much stronger if we learned that Plasus had known about it all along and done nothing to help. But it doesn’t bother me so much because it seems pretty clear that Plasus would continue to do nothing if his hand wasn’t being forced.
My biggest criticism is Droxine’s redemption. (Well, that, and how Spock apparently just up and tells her about pon farr, because I guess that’s not a secret anymore?) While Plasus is almost hilariously sneery, Droxine strikes me as much more terrifying because she’s all delicate and ethereal and “innocent.” While arguing with Vanna, Droxine isn’t sneering as she says horrible things like, “Your eyes are not accustomed to light, as your minds are not accustomed to logic.” She’s saying them in a girlish and reasonable tone, like of course the Troglytes don’t need or deserve sunlight; of course they can’t think like civilized people do. That’s just how it is and, more importantly, how it should remain—which is way more disturbing, as it’s very much how racism in the real world can sound. And it’s interesting, too, because when Spock has a (pretty random) voiceover, wondering if Droxine could “retain such purity and sweetness” while being aware of the miners’ misery, we soon get our answer: Droxine already does know, and she’s totally fine with it—which is to say, she’s a shitty, hateful person. But since she’s very pretty, I guess, she gets a totally unearned change of heart at the end of the episode, presumably because she has a crush on Spock, and he disapproves of illogical things like ‘prejudice’ and ‘gross inequality.’ It’s disappointing, to say the least.
Chief Asshat: I supposedly Plasus wins because he does torture Vanna. Wait, no, Droxine is there for that, too, and actually argues that Troglytes don’t understand anything but violence, so. Yeah, they’re both the worst.
MVP: I actually do like Jeff Corey, the actor who plays Plasus. His line delivery when he argues in favor of torture’s effectiveness is great. Still, I might go with Vanna (Charlene Polite) here. She does betray Kirk, but it’s not like she has much reason to trust him. She’s also the reason Kirk survives his kinda terrible ‘I’ll poison us all to make them believe me’ plan. And I like that she genuinely cares about her people. (According to IMDb, Fred Williamson—who I know best as Frost from From Dusk Till Dawn—is one of her fellow Troglytes, which I thought was pretty neat.)
Grade: Vanilla
Line of the Episode:
“What would Troglytes do here?”
“Live. In the sunlight and warmth as everyone should.”
World’s Worst Trekkie: The Mark of Gideon, That Which Survives, and The Lights of Zetar
“The Mark of Gideon”
(I usually try to get GIFs or videos from the episode in question, but I’m having difficulty with that lately, so the excellent Swear Trek will have to do!)
Like a lot of TOS episodes, “The Mark of Gideon” starts out really fun, and then just kinda . . . falls apart. The Enterprise orbits the planet Gideon for some “join our cool Federation” negotiations. Only Kirk is allowed to beam down, though; once he does, he mysteriously goes missing, ending up on a duplicate Enterprise with a bruise on his arm and a small gap in his memory. Excellent! The only other person aboard is Odona, who says she has no memory of how she got there. Meanwhile, Hodin (the Gideon leader) won’t let anyone beam down to search for Kirk, and Starfleet Command orders Spock to play along, even though they know Hodin is behind Kirk’s abduction. Spock isn’t allowed to interfere unless he has definite proof that Jim is in imminent danger.
It turns out that the people on Gideon are functionally immortal: they live an extremely long ass time, have an ability to regenerate, and live on a planet with absolutely no germs. Since they apparently don’t believe in contraception (life is sacred, gah), Gideon is suffering from critical overpopulation. The Gideons kidnapped Kirk specifically for his blood, so they could inject it into Odona and hope she dies from some terrible sickness that Kirk once had. (Odona, BTW, is Hodin’s daughter and a willing participate in this whole experiment). They also hoped that Kirk would fall so hopelessly in love with Odona that he’d agree to stay behind on Gideon and spend the rest of his life giving a fatal disease to anyone who wants it—which, IMO, is not exactly a foolproof plan. Spock goes against Stafleet’s orders and rescues Kirk, Kirk saves Odona despite the fact that she chose to die, and Odona survives to fulfill Kirk’s role of infecting anyone who wants to sacrifice their lives.
The initial mystery is pretty entertaining, and there are a few moments here or there that I enjoy: Scotty’s indignation on behalf of the Enterprise, David Hurst’s performance throughout the episode. But the writing is pretty bad, and it’s pretty bad in multiple ways. Overpopulation anxiety is . . . fine, I guess, but one of the reasons it exists at all is because humans don’t have anywhere to go if we overrun Earth; this is not a problem for people in TOS, where there are thousands of cool places to explore, not to mention a deserted, livable planet for every five you come across. No one would have to engineer a whole ass alien plague if some of the people on Gideon just moved. (It’s also pretty hard to take overpopulation seriously when it’s represented by roughly 12 people wearing hooded unitards bumbling around a room, like, I know Season 3 had basically five bucks for a budget, but damn.)
Starfleet’s decision to ignore Kirk’s kidnapping also makes no sense because this episode never bothers to establish why Gideon is so important to the Federation. Maybe they’d be willing to sacrifice a legendary starship captain if Gideon had, say, a fleet of planet-killing starships or if dilithium crystals grew on trees there, but as presented, this is just nonsense. Likewise, Spock’s cynical dialogue about diplomacy feels deeply inauthentic. Leonard Nimoy’s line deliveries are beautifully disdainful, but from the bottom of my soul, I do not believe that Spock would bitch about diplomats only being useful to prolong a crisis. There’s a real world cynicism on display in this episode that just doesn’t feel true to the characters or institutions of the story. Combine all that with the usual BS romance and the complete lack of consequences for Spock disobeying Starfleet, and . . . yeah, this isn’t one of my favorites.
Chief Asshat: Hm. Hodin, I suppose, but there’s certainly an argument for that shitty Starfleet admiral.
MVP: David Hurst, who gives a very solid performance despite the weak material. (The serious moments are good, but I particularly like him when he’s being infuriating and hilariously snotty.)
Grade: Rocky Road
Line of the Episode: “Very well, then. You shall test the skill of your very excitable repairman.”
“That Which Survives”
This episode begins with the Enterprise coming across a “ghost planet,” that is, a planet which doesn’t fit any proper categorization and basically defies all the laws of science. Kirk, Bones, Sulu, and Soon-To-Be-Dead D’Amato happily beam down to investigate. Their good cheer does not last, partially because they immediately get stranded on the planet while the Enterprise gets knocked across space, partially because Losira (Lee Merriweather, AKA Catwoman!) keeps popping up to murder people left and right, and partially because, IDK, someone pissed in everyone’s replicated Corn Flakes, I guess? Kirk snaps at Sulu multiple times for no reason; Bones also cuts off Sulu once, and Spock, well, he’s a pedantic asshat to basically everybody he talks to: Scotty, M’Benga, Uhura, etc. (Uhura, at least, gives Spock a Look, which I definitely appreciated.) This is the second episode in a row where Spock’s dialogue has come across as surprisingly inauthentic, like, being a dick is one thing, but Spock is weirdly over literal here, in a way that just doesn’t ring true for his character at all. He kinda feels like a Spock written by somebody who’s heard about TOS but never actually seen it.
“That Which Survives” is an okay episode. Weird planets are fun, and I like Lee Merriweather. The mystery surrounding her character is intriguing: why is she killing people, why can she only hunt one person at a time, all that “I am for you” stuff, etc. (Plus, she’s got a fun outfit and fantastic eye shadow; I’d cosplay her in a hot second if I was a more confident person.) I’m happy to see Sulu have something to actually do for once, although the fanfic writer in me is dying for some post-ep H/C goodness here—like, disrupting/exploding all the cells in one’s shoulder should probably have some lasting effects, yes?) I also enjoy seeing Scotty literally reversing the polarity to save the ship, as well as M’Benga’s return. And there’s an Indian lieutenant with a bindi who has actual lines and everything. (It’s really cool for about two seconds, until you realize that Lt. Radha is definitely being played by a white woman.)
Unfortunately, the mystery does kinda fall apart for me at the end. It turns out that all the people who once lived on this artificial planet died, and Losira is basically just an old super computer defense system, which isn’t terrible; it’s just that we’ve done this sort of thing before. Plus, it doesn’t really explain Losira’s whole “I am here for whoever” bit—a defense system that can only attack one specific person at a time does not strike me as particularly well considered. (Yes, yes, she eventually multiplies, but not until the end of the episode and is pretty easily defeated, besides.) Also, Spock’s constant pedantry gets pretty annoying. I like that he refuses to sacrifice Scotty, and how he points out that Losira’s beauty wasn’t what made her remarkable (unlike Kirk, Bones, and Sulu, who all keep pointing out how gorgeous she is whether it’s relevant or not—it never is), but man, Spock feels off, and it gets very grating after a while.
Chief Asshat: Spock, although I wanted to slap Kirk around, too. You don’t get to be snippy to my man Sulu, Kirk. That is not allowed.
MVP: Probably Lee Merriweather, who I think does the absolute most she can with kind of a limited role.
Grade: Vanilla
Line of the Episode:
“Question is, why are you alive?”
“Captain, I’m happy the way it turned out.”
“The Lights of Zetar”
The Enterprise is on its way to drop off new equipment to Memory Alpha, which is basically a whole ass Library Planet. (Okay, fine, a Library Planetoid. Still.) This is awesome for multiple reasons: one, a whole ass Library Planetoid, and two, Memory Alpha is the name of this excellent Star Trek wiki which I reference all the damn time. Lt. Mira Romaine is onboard to supervise the equipment transfer, and—very unfortunately—she and Scotty are in love. I say unfortunately because despite being extremely competent 99% of the time, Scotty is apparently the Absolute Goddamn Worst when he falls in love, completely unable to prioritize, do his job, or answer basic questions. Also, it’s important to know that while Mira has both a name and a rank, rarely does anyone but Scotty actually use it. She is continuously and maddeningly referred to as “the girl” by everyone—or, in Scotty’s case, “the lass.”
The Enterprise encounters a very strange, very colorful phenomenon—let’s call it Space Fireworks—that incapacitates everyone in different ways. Mira is the only one who gets hypnotized, though, and weird sounds come out of her mouth after she collapses. She’s also unreasonably agitated by her mandatory checkup in Sickbay, but Scotty decides it’s just nerves because this is Mira’s first deep space assignment. Soon, the Space Fireworks appear again, this time attacking Memory Alpha. Everybody on the planetoid dies, and the memory archives are completely destroyed—a tragedy that is noted once and then never mentioned again. Mira has a psychic vision of the corpses (I swear to God, I initially thought one of them was a werewolf), but even when she finally tells Scotty, he insists that it’s just Space Hysteria, or whatever, and that she’s under no obligation to tell anyone else. I want to murder him. I want to cut his heart out with a spoon.
Turns out, the Space Fireworks are actually the last survivors of Zetar—or what’s left of them, anyway. (Kinda like TNG’s “Power Play!” Okay, not really—those guys were prisoners—but still. I’m having a lot of TNG nostalgia here, maybe because the aliens’ voices also remind me of Possessed Troi in “Clues.”) Communicating through Mira (which Spock unnecessarily explains for the audience—it’s an embarrassment), we find out that the aliens are looking for a compatible corporeal host, and that they’re fully prepared to kill everyone if they don’t get it. To their credit, though, our heroes never suggest giving up on Mira, and even more refreshingly, Mira doesn’t offer to surrender herself, either. I genuinely like the moment when she says, “Life was given to me. It is mine. I want to live it out. I will.”
Scotty puts Mira in a pressure chamber, which kills the aliens, and the day is saved. It’s decided that Mira doesn’t need any additional time off for further medical or psychological evaluation (Mira, herself, doesn’t seem to have any voice in this decision), as she fought back well against psychic invasion, and also because’s Scotty’s love will undoubtedly help her recovery. FFS. Instead, they head back to Memory Alpha because Mira’s got a lot of work ahead of her—the understatement of the fucking century, since the computers are apparently forever fucked and everyone there is dead, but you know. Let’s not worry about that now; this is Holy OT3 Banter Time!
Chief Asshat: Scotty, no question.
MVP: . . . I think I’m giving MVP to the Space Fireworks. They’re hilarious and delightful.
Grade: Rocky Road
Line of the Episode: “Somehow, I find transporting into the darkness unnerving.”
World’s Worst Trekkie: Day of the Dove, For the World Is Hollow and I Have Touched the Sky, and The Tholian Web
“Day of the Dove”
You know, this one is pretty fun: silly sword fights, psychic manipulation, a bit of a mystery, etc. Our heroes respond to a distress call and beam down to some planet, only to discover zero evidence that anyone’s ever been there. Soon, a beat to hell Klingon ship appears, and the surviving Klingons, led by Kang, briefly capture the away team, insisting that the Enterprise attacked them. (They also say the Klingons and the Federation have been at peace for three years without incident, which seems, uh . . . wildly inaccurate?) Kirk surrenders, which infuriates Chekov because his brother Piotr was murdered by Klingons, which—wait, Chekov’s brother was murdered by Klingons? Holy shit, how did this not come up in The Undiscovered Country? Did we just transfer his familial angst to Kirk or what? (The answer is no, but we’ll get to why in a moment.)
Kirk, of course, is only pretending to surrender. He secretly signals Spock, who beams everyone up. The away team properly materializes on the Enterprise, while the Klingons are temporarily held in the transporter buffer, effectively shelving them in oblivion for a hot second, which—holy shit, we can do that on purpose? That’s horrifying. I’ve never wanted to write a Star Trek horror movie so badly IN MY LIFE. Kirk lets the Klingons materialize again (despite Chekov’s protest) and takes them prisoner, but unbeknownst to everyone, a weird spinny light has followed them all on board.
And then shit gets weird. First the Klingons escape when a bunch of random objects suddenly transform into swords. Then Chekov openly defies Kirk to seek vengeance, but Sulu, who knows his bro (or boyfriend, shippers you do you), is all, “But Chekov . . . doesn’t have a brother, though?” And then almost everyone gets extremely irrational and aggressive, like, Uhura just seems a little upset, but Bones becomes weirdly racist about Klingons (it’s weird because it’s not Vulcans, see), and Scotty gets super racist about Vulcans, and even Spock gets quietly, ominously violent for a hot second there. Kirk, unfortunately, mostly just becomes increasingly melodramatic, wondering if they’re all doomed to become so wantonly violent, is this Armageddon, etc., (Kirk’s dialogue is easily one of the worst things about this episode; see also, the Klingons’ makeup, which is awful for, well. A multitude of reasons, really.) Chekov, meanwhile, isn’t just seeking vengeance for his imaginary brother; he also tries to rape Kang’s wife, Mara, which, WTF. This scene isn’t necessary at all, but I will say that Walter Koenig is surprisingly creepy in it. TBH, I kinda wish I’d seen him play a villain now cause damn.
The weird spinny light, it turns out, is basically an evil emotional vampire, creating and feeding on everyone’s negative emotions. Once Kirk convinces Kang that they’re being manipulated, they both order their men to stop fighting. They also laugh as they tell the alien to hit the road, which is pretty funny, particularly when Kang smacks Kirk hard on the back, and Kirk, nearly falling over, has to keep laughing anyway. HA.
Chief Asshat: I mean. We’re told Chekov isn’t at fault for assaulting Mara, but it’s worth pointing out that he’s the only character who tries to rape anyone. Also—and this is obviously less important—he keeps holding his sword with one hand around the blade like, Chekov, my dude. What the fuck are you doing here?
MVP: Sulu, no question. He seems to be the only person who’s never affected by the alien, and he awesomely takes out one of the Klingons with a magnificent judo chop to the neck. (Though sadly, he rarely gets to use the sword he carries, which is just poor continuity, considering “The Naked Time” and all.)
Grade: Chocolate
Line of the Episode: Shit, this one’s hard. Kang actually has several great lines, like when Kirk tries to convince him that the alien is keeping anyone from dying, and Kang’s all, “Then no doubt you will reassemble after I’ve hacked you to bits.” Also, when he’s telling the alien to fuck off: “Out! We need no urging to hate humans!” (Kang is pretty great, TBH.) Still, this exchange with Chekov might be my actual favorite.
“You killed my brother!”
“And you volunteer to join him. That is loyalty.”
“For The World is Hollow and I Have Touched the Sky”
Whew. Look, I know I just sold a story that has a nine-word title and all, but goddamn. This one’s a mouthful.
So, this episode is . . . less great. The Enterprise successfully avoids a mysterious missile strike and discover that they were attacked by a 10,000 year old ship that looks like a giant asteroid. The asteroid-ship is on a collision course with a very highly populated planet. No lifeforms are detected, so Kirk, Spock, and Bones head down to the surface, where they are almost immediately captured by aliens who live underground. Whoops. Also? Bones is dying. See, just before beaming down, Bones reluctantly tells Kirk that he has some fatal disease and only has a year to live. (Kirk is sad about it, obviously, but also immediately asks Starfleet for a CMO replacement, and you just know that bullshit wouldn’t have happened if Spock was the one dying. I’m just saying.)
Anyway, it turns out these aliens are the descendants of the Fabrini, and they’ve lived on this generation ship so long that they believe they’re on an actual planet. Even the high priestess and leader Natira doesn’t realize this; she only follows the commands of the Oracle, a (sigh) secret supercomputer which actually runs everything. This complicates Kirk’s whole “let’s change the collision course” plan, particularly because these aliens aren’t allowed to do all sorts of things that might clue them into the fact that they’re on a spaceship. Climb mountains, for instance. If they do, a chip in their head (ominously known as the Instrument of Obedience) will quickly kill them.
Kirk and Spock get caught sneaking around and are sentenced to death. Thankfully, because Bones and Natira have (SIGH) instantly fallen in love, Kirk and Spock are allowed to return to the ship. Bones, however, decides to stay behind, get married, and enjoy what time he has left with Natira. He also allows her to put the death chip in his face— which, okay, NO—and finds out some secret info. He tells Kirk and Spock about it and immediately gets punished. Natira, too, gets punished when she questions the Oracle. Thankfully, Kirk and Spock (ignoring Starfleet Command) return and manage to stop the Oracle from killing anyone. They change the course of the asteroid-ship. They also happily find a bunch of lost Fabrini medical knowledge which lets them cure Bones. He decides to go back to the Enterprise, and Natira decides to stay on her ship, but they’ll likely rendezvous for a quick date in 300 or so days when the asteroid-ship finally lands at their original destination, a new home world.
And, like. There’s just a lot of dumb to go around in this episode. How about those missiles that instigated this plot? Yeah, they’re never mentioned again. Where the fuck were the Fabrini coming from that they couldn’t reach a new planet for 10,000 years? Is their destined home world even A) still habitable and B) unpopulated after all this time? Why does the Oracle try to slowly cook everyone to death when it previously just zapped the shit out of people—something to which neither Spock nor Kirk had any defense against? How is the Oracle still functional at all since apparently no one’s been maintaining or repairing it for a millennia? Also, why did we even create a five second obstacle with Starfleet Command when absolutely nothing came from it? I can’t even get into how awful the insta-romance between Bones and Natira is. Their whole relationship is sped through so quickly that the emotional beats don’t even make sense.
On the plus side, we do get some downright hilarious costumes to laugh at. Also, I do really like the scene where Spock finds out that Bones is dying, and also just generally DeForest Kelley’s whole performance in this one. It’s too bad that we didn’t get this subplot in a much better episode.
Chief Asshat: I’m giving this one to the Fabrini. Their planning skills are seriously lacking.
MVP: DeForest Kelley. It’s not his fault that Bones makes absurd decisions like, “I met a girl so pretty that I’ll let a suspicious super computer put a death chip in my head.”
Grade: Pistachio
Line of the Episode:
“Bones, this isn’t a planet. It’s a spaceship on a collision course with Daran V.”
“I’m on a kind of a collusion course myself, Jim.”
“The Tholian Web”
Ah. Good old Swear Trek. I regret to inform you that Bones does not actually talk about farting in this episode, but our heroes do wear space suits again! I think the last time we saw anything remotely like this was way back in . . . yeah, “The Naked Time.” Those were two-piece biohazard suits made out of shower curtains, and they were the most functionally useless things I’ve ever seen in my life. These new suits are A) a huge improvement and B) definitely another addition to my Star Trek Dream Cosplay List.
This episode is partly great and partly maddening, so pretty par for the course for TOS. We begin with the Enterprise finding the missing Defiant in an uncharted part of space where space itself seems to be, er. Thinning? Look, kids, l know science isn’t my strong suit, but I’m reasonably sure that space doesn’t do that. Anyway, the Defiant is drifting (and ominously green), and while everyone can see the ship, it doesn’t actually show up on sensors. An away team beams over to investigate and finds some absolutely creepy shit. Not only is everyone on the Defiant dead, it’s obvious that they all murdered each other. Some of the corpses are strapped down in Sickbay. Also, Bones tries to touch a few things and his hand goes through them. Like, Act I is some awesome space horror, and I am absolutely here for it.
Since the Defiant seems to be dissolving, Kirk orders everyone to beam back home. Unfortunately, the Enterprise is now having its own mysterious malfunctions and can only beam up three people at a time. Kirk is left for last, and the Defiant disappears before he can materialize on the Enterprise. Spock, though, thinks there’s a chance Kirk’s still alive in some alternate universe. They have to beam him back at exactly the right moment, and also not expend any energy that might disrupt the dimensional rift. Unfortunately, there are multiple problems with that plan. People aboard the ship begin to go crazy and attack one another. The Tholians appear, insisting that this is their space, and eventually attack when the Enterprise refuses to leave. The ship, now drifting, are helpless as the Tholians begin creating an energy field that will trap the Enterprise once completed. Also, Bones is just a massive dick to Spock the entire episode, only apologizing once they watch Kirk’s “In Case of My Death” message, in which Kirk essentially reminds them to chill the hell out and trust one another.
Spock now thinks that Kirk is dead, but Uhura briefly sees him in her mirror. She tells Bones, but she’s also borderline incoherent and faints in his arms because, you know. Women. (SIGH.) So, everyone thinks she’s just hysterical. Eventually, though, other people see Kirk too, and Spock figures out the next interphase moment. They get just enough power to beam Kirk to safety and escape the Tholian web. Meanwhile, Bones figures out the antidote to Space Rage, which looks like tangerine juice and is actually some Klingon nerve gas diluted with alcohol. Finally, Spock and Bones troll Kirk by pretending they never even bothered to watch his final message.
And look, there are definitely good moments in here! The whole first act. More evidence that Sulu has heart eyes for Chekov. I genuinely like Kirk’s final message, as well as Bones and Spock trolling him about it. (Chekov, certainly, thinks it’s hysterical.) We get to see Uhura in off-duty clothes, which is cool, and Nurse Chapel subdues a guy attacking Bones, which is very cool.
Unfortunately, the conflict between Bones and Spock doesn’t work at all, mostly because Bones’s arguments are nonsensical even for him. He’s mad at Spock for putting Kirk ahead of the crew, despite the fact that he’s definitely chewed Spock out in the past for prioritizing the crew over Kirk. He’s mad at Spock for, IDK, being power hungry and hoping that Kirk is really dead, which isn’t just ludicrous; it’s almost the exact opposite of what Bones was arguing five minutes ago. Some of that could work, if you take grief and Space Rage into account, but these scenes never really play that way, and there are a lot of them. It’s incredibly frustrating to watch.
Also, it must be said that the Tholians are building the slowest and most worthless prison of all time. Whole generations were born and died in the time it took to create this fucking web, and one energy discharge is all it takes for the Enterprise to escape it. I know the episode is literally called “The Tholian Web” and all, but truthfully, this whole story would be better if our bad guys just weren’t in it.
Chief Asshat: Bones, no question.
MVP: Spock, for not punching Bones in the face. I know that kind of behavior is atypical for a Vulcan, but honestly? I think we all would’ve understood.
Grade: Vanilla
Line of the Episode:
“The renowned Tholian punctuality.”
Triple Scoop Review: Death on the Nile, The Batman, and Appointment With Death
Death on the Nile
Year: 2022
Director: Kenneth Branagh
First Watch or Rewatch: First Watch
Amazon, Netflix, Hulu, or Other: Other – HBO Max
Spoilers: YES, for both the film and the book
Grade: Rocky Road
I mean. It’s watchable? It’s a little weird watching it, mind you, considering the public trainwreck of a cast, up to and including Possible Cannibal Armie Hammer. Still, I like Agatha Christie stories, and I’m always a sucker for a whodunit, so I didn’t have a bad time watching this, just, whew, some of the choices they make. Why?
Let’s begin with World War I and The Secret Tragic Mustache History of Mr. Hercule Poirot, a real sentence that I’m really saying right now. We get non-canonical flashbacks to our hero as a soldier, which is . . . fine, I guess, and see that Poirot is A) typically brilliant, B) too brilliant to become a farmer, which is, uh, apparently what he’s planning to do after the war? And C) clean-shaven, at least until he gets kinda blown up, and his nice fiancée suggests that he grows a mustache if he hates his facial scars so much. And, I mean. None of that’s awful. I probably wouldn’t blink twice at it in a non-Hercule Poirot story, but here it just feels so silly, like finally, AT LONG LAST, we learn the Secret History of the Ridiculous Mustache—a question that absolutely nobody was asking. (Also, at the end of the movie, Poirot shaves off his facial hair, which like, yay for acceptance of scars, but also . . . IDK, the Angst Beard has a long tradition in Hollywood, but the Angst Mustache is somehow just so much harder to take seriously?)
Anyway, what’s much worse is how Death on the Nile doubles down on one of my least favorite things about Branagh’s Murder on the Orient Express: Poirot’s random dead fiancée, Katherine. The actress who plays Katherine is totally fine. But her tragic death is why Poirot, you know, Renounced Love, and became a great detective instead of a farmer, and how he can be so cold and removed and unfeeling, and ugh to all of this, especially this fucking line: “He told me how much he hoped you’d be happy one day, too. That you’d get tired of being just a pure cold detective. Be human instead.”
Look, I’m sure you’re tired of hearing this. I know I’m tired of saying it. But it is VERY POSSIBLE to be both happy and human without romantic love in your life. And what’s funny is, I’m not even 100% against the idea of a Poirot Love Story, like, do I think that shit is necessary? Nope, not remotely. But I will say that—in one of the many, many deviations from the original text—Poirot and Salome (Sophie Okonedo) have this whole quiet, flirty thing where she’s all awesome and he’s kinda cutely awkward, and it actually does work for me? But Death on the Nile pushes so HARD on this idea that you’re not truly living without romantic love, and that bullshit is just annoying AF.
Other unexpected adaptational choices: killing off Buoc, a character who isn’t even in the original novel. Instead, he’s the comic relief from Murder on the Orient Express, and his death is both surprising and genuinely pretty sad. It’s funny because I did think Branagh was gonna change up the third victim here, but I was so sure it was going to be Annette Bening, not Tom Bateman. Buoc’s death is much more tragic, and on one hand, WAAAAH, but OTOH, I think this switch-up actually does play pretty well. Certainly, Poirot’s sorrow about his dead friend feels way more earned than it ever did about poor dead Katherine.
Death on the Nile is a bit hard to judge as a whodunit since I already know, well, whodunit. I do feel like it’s less rushed than Murder on the Orient Express, which is good . . . although it also takes quite a while before the murders begin, which is less good. The cast may have been a PR disaster, but they’re a decent bunch of actors, and I’m mildly amused by how almost everyone here is putting on a fake accent. (The American actors are playing English, the English actors are playing American or Belgian or French, etc.) Strongest players are probably Kenneth Branagh, Annette Bening, Tom Bateman, and Sophie Okonedo. (She’s the MVP for sure.) Armie Hammer probably gets Worst Player, if only because, wow, I burst into laughter during his weepy scene, and I’m pretty sure it wasn’t meant to be funny. If I hadn’t already known he was one of the bad guys, I definitely would’ve figured it out then.
Oh, this has gotten way too long. Some final random thoughts: A) JFC, the camera angles in this film have only gotten weirder, WHY, why are you doing this to me, Branagh? B) The CGI is also pretty terrible, like, that pyramid shot? Oh no. Oh, no. C) The sexy dancing in this movie seems incredibly forced to me, like, I am not always the best judge at what qualifies as steamy? But good Lord, this is just, like, lingering, awkward, faux-fucking on the dance floor. D) Some of the quippy dialogue is fun. I’m a simple girl, and I like a good quip. And E) I love, love, LOVE that Poirot straightens the dead woman’s foot. That might’ve been my favorite moment in the whole movie.
The Batman
Year: 2022
Director: Matt Reeves
First Watch or Rewatch: First Watch
Amazon, Netflix, Hulu, or Other: Other – HBO Max
Spoilers: VERY MUCH YES
Grade: Vanilla? Or, IDK. Vanilla-chocolate swirl, maybe?
TBH, I was kinda dreading watching The Batman, mostly because of the three hour runtime (superhero movies, when will you stop), but honestly? I was pretty entertained. Like, I wouldn’t call it the Batman film I’ve been waiting for my entire life or anything, but I had a good time watching it.
I like that The Batman is a slow burn mystery, that we really do get more of a detective story than any of the previous films. I like some of the dark humor (thumb drive, heh), and I’m utterly grateful that we skip the Crime Alley scene. I also enjoy how the film really commits to its whole emo noir aesthetic. (Holy shit, does Bruce lives in a gothic cathedral now? WTF.) Did those emo vibes occasionally make giggle? You’re damn right they did. I was absolutely grinning through Robert Pattinson’s noir VO (though, TBH, I think we could’ve cut that down just a bit) and definitely at Nirvana’s “Something In The Way” . . . but IDK, even though I couldn’t quite get through that with a straight face, it still worked for me, somehow, particularly with Pattinson as a younger, reclusive, moody AF Bruce Wayne. It felt fitting. I think there’s only one moment in the hospital where I just couldn’t quite buy him; otherwise, I like RP just fine as Batman.
Most of the cast is pretty solid, honestly: Jeffrey Wright feels instantly correct as Jim Gordon, Zoë Kravitz is enjoyable as Catwoman, John Turturro works really well as Falcone, I like Andy Serkis’s take on Alfred, and though it’s a kind of a minor role, I really enjoy Peter Sarsgaard as D.A. Colson. Paul Dano and Colin Farrell, though, I have mixed feelings about. Dano, himself, chews scenery like no one’s business, which . . . IDK, kinda works for me, but also not always? I do like the parallels between Riddler and Batman, and I did love Dano singing the “Ave Maria,” but I also definitely started cracking up when he was all “NOOO!” and IDK. It felt silly and over the top in a way that—unlike Batman’s bangs or Kurt Cobain—just didn’t quite work for me. Meanwhile, I actually enjoy pretty much all of Colin Farrell’s line deliveries here; he’s kind of the comic relief and—to my very great surprise—the jokes aren’t generally about his size or appearance. (They’re more about him trolling Batman and Gordon for their mediocre Spanish, which I am absolutely here for.) Still . . . I hate the fat suit. I hate the prosthetics. Sure, Farrell is unrecognizable, but that doesn’t add anything to this story; mostly, it just kept distracting me. At least, this doesn’t piss me off the way that Dune did or anything; it’s just like . . . why? Why not just cast someone else?
With a 3-hour runtime, I expected The Batman to drag considerably, but I actually think it’s pretty well paced for the most part. I do wish Batman and Catwoman worked together more throughout the film, partly because their quasi-romance felt a bit forced to me, and partly because I just wish we had more time with Catwoman in general. Alfred, too, gets pretty much dropped after the hospital scene, which disappointed me, although at least they didn’t kill him. (Oh, I would’ve murdered people.) I do wonder if we could’ve trimmed the third act a bit and maybe given those two characters a bit more time?
It also must be said that I just can’t bring myself to give a shit about that Joker tease, like, no disrespect to the actor, but Christ, I could go another full decade without the Joker; I am begging you. Still, I genuinely like that Batman ends this movie realizing that being vengeance isn’t enough, that he needs to be a symbol of hope as well. (Side note: I kinda loved the Vengeance name, if only because I kept thinking of this song and wanting people to come up to Batman and be all, “What’s up, Vengeance?”) The idea of Batman as a symbol of hope as well as a symbol of fear interests me, maybe because it’s kinda the whole antithesis of movies like The Dark Knight and is actually something I’d love to see explored in a sequel, should a sequel be made. I am all about character growth, and if we could actually get a compassionate Batman in a live action film, not just in cartoons like JLU? IDK, that could be pretty neat to see.
Appointment With Death
Year: 1988
Director: Michael Winner
First Watch or Rewatch: First Watch
Amazon, Netflix, Hulu, or Other: Other – ScreenPix
Spoilers: Some
Grade: Vanilla
And we’re back to Agatha Christie! Funny story: I’ve been wanting to check out Appointment With Death for actual years now, only it’s not an easy film to find, streaming or otherwise. However, while working on the Death on the Nile review above, I found myself looking up a list of obscure whodunit movies, and while looking up Green for Danger (number #1 on the list), I stumbled across the fact that Appointment With Death was available on ScreenPix. A free one week trial later, and here we are!
Peter Ustinov will never be my favorite Poirot, but I enjoy watching his movies well enough, and while Appointment With Death definitely isn’t knocking Evil Under the Sun from its top spot, I had a decent time watching it. This movie is, truthfully, a bit on the forgettable side, but I also feel like I have less glaring problems with it than I did with Branagh’s Death on the Nile—although that isn’t to say there aren’t flaws to be had because oh, there are. For one, we wait quite a while before anyone gets murdered—although admittedly, this does allow us more time with Piper Laurie, who excels in this film as the cruel Mrs. Boynton. For another, the insta-love between Dr. Sarah King and Raymond kinda kills me, although I’m pretty sure Agatha Christie is the one to blame for this. Insta-love is pretty common in these mysteries. There’s also the fact that Appointment With Death is about a bunch of white, snotty, British and American people in Jerusalem; there are definitely a few cringey moments, up to and including how little anyone cares about Hassan, a boy who tries to give Poirot critical information and ends up getting murdered for it. This immediately leads to a scene where Sarah, who initially looks guilty of Hassan’s murder, is briefly menaced by a bunch of silent men with brown skin, and it’s . . . yeah, it’s not great.
On the upside, this cast. Along with Peter Ustinov and Piper Laurie, we have Carrie Fisher, Lauren Bacall, and Hayley Mills, all of whom I had fun watching. Hayley Mills doesn’t have a super interesting role, but I enjoyed seeing her all the same, having grown up on the 1961 version of The Parent Trap. I like Carrie Fisher in this (I mean, when do I not like Carrie Fisher), and Jenny Seagrove is good, too. Honestly, all the women in this movie are more interesting than the men, but it’s Piper Laurie and Lauren Bacall who are the true standouts here. I would’ve paid, like, so much money to watch a film solely about these two squaring off. They are both an absolute delight.
Anyone who doesn’t generally enjoy whodunits is not gonna be won over by Appointment With Death, which is, well. Pretty formulaic in the long run. But since I’m a person who is deeply comforted by dysfunctional murder families, secret wills, and detectives who insist on giving dramatic reveals for absolutely no good reason, well. I’m ecstatic that I finally managed to track this one down.
World’s Worst Trekkie: Spock’s Brain, The Enterprise Incident, and The Paradise Syndrome
Well, hello. It’s been a while, hasn’t it? It’s definitely been a while since I finished watching Season 2, but now that I’m back, I’m making a pledge: I’m finally, finally going to finish TOS by the end of 2022.
First, a quick reminder about my ratings system, which I changed last year. These are the new grades:
God-Tier – Chocolate Salted Caramel
Really Enjoyed This – Chocolate
Enjoyed This Okay – Vanilla
Technically Proficient, But Not My Thing – Strawberry
Well, I Liked SOME of It – Rocky Road
I Actively Disliked This Movie – Pistachio
I Could Not Finish This Movie – Mint Chocolate Chip
Obviously, this wasn’t initially intended for TV episodes, but to hell with it, right? Right. With that settled, let’s begin with the first three episodes of Season 3!
“Spock’s Brain”
Oh, yes. Yes, I’ve been waiting for this moment. “Spock’s Brain,” one of the most infamously awful episodes in all of Star Trek. (It’s also, FYI, been on my list of Silly Dream Cosplays for a while now. Maybe someday, DragonCon!) While I’ve seen a good chunk of this episode before, I’ve never actually watched it the whole way through, and . . . wow, it’s really bad, maybe even worse than I remembered.
The premise is gloriously, ridiculously bonkers: aliens steal Spock’s brain. Not his memories, not his sanity, not his considerable intellect. Aliens literally steal Spock’s brain right out of his skull. Thankfully, this procedure is so scientifically advanced that Spock can remain alive for 24 hours before all hope is lost. All Kirk has to do is track down the missing brain-thieves and get Spock’s grey matter back so that Bones can somehow figure out how to reinsert said grey matter without killing the patient. Easy-peasy. Also, lest you be under the false impression that perhaps Vulcans just aren’t as reliant on their brains as humans are, let me assure you the opposite is true: Vulcans somehow need their brains more. Let me also assure you that I am still laughing about this whole scene, not to mention any moment where our heroes make Spock’s brainless body walk around via remote, like he’s an actual goddamn toy.
Everything that follows is equally absurd but, unfortunately, not quite as fun. It turns out that our alien thief lives in a subterranean facility on a Stone Age planet with a bunch of other “childlike” women who aren’t intellectually capable of stealing anyone’s brain. Kara, the thief, was only able to do so with the help of this Magic Smart Helmet (AKA, The Teacher), which temporarily gives her all the ancient knowledge of the Builders. NGL, I can’t remember if the show ever explains who the Builders are. I’m just gonna assume they were some all-powerful alien species who, for reasons unknown, provided these ladies with both this facility and the Controller, which has been running this place for 10,000 years. Spock’s brain is supposed to be their replacement Controller; as you can imagine, Kirk has some Feelings about that.
Bones ends up wearing the Magic Smart Helmet so he can re-insert Spock’s brain—with a big assist from Spock himself, since the MSH’s powers unfortunately wear off mid-surgery. Spock supposedly goes back to normal (TBH, he actually seems uncharacteristically enthusiastic to me), Bones gripes that he should’ve kept Spock mute, and Kirk assures Kara that her people definitely won’t die without the Controller. No, they’ll just have to go live on the surface with all the cavemen dudes, and their society will evolve naturally as it should, rather than staying stagnant down here where they’ve been so pampered that their minds have literally atrophied or some shit. And like, far be it for me to demand that Kirk put the lives of these brain thieves over his boyfriend’s, but also, “Let’s take a bunch of women completely incapable of taking care of themselves and force them to live with a bunch of cavemen who’ve never seen a woman before” seems like . . . well, like the kind of lack of responsibility and foresight I’ve come to expect from Kirk’s command, honestly.
Chief Asshat: I mean. Kara does just hop aboard the Enterprise and steal Spock’s brain. That’s pretty rude.
MVP: Hm. I think I’ll give this one to Bones, although I do love how bitchy Spock can be even as a disembodied brain.
Grade: Rocky Road
Line of the Episode: “BRAIN AND BRAIN, what is BRAIN?!”
“The Enterprise Incident”
This trailer is a thing of beauty.
You know, I enjoyed this one. We begin with Kirk acting like an unreasonable dick—not entirely unprecedented—snapping at his crew, ordering the Enterprise to cross the Neutral Zone into Romulan territory, etc. Of course, they’re captured pretty much immediately, and Kirk and Spock beam over to the Romulan ship. The Romulan Commander (we never hear her name) interrogates them, and Spock quickly and accurately throws Kirk under the bus, admitting the captain’s been acting irrational lately and is alone responsible for the Enterprise’s actions. (Kirk responds by overacting, shouting, “I’LL KILL YOU, I’LL KILL YOU!” LOL.)
While Spock gets the wine and dine treatment, Kirk gets thrown into the brig, where he promptly launches himself into a forcefield. Bones beams over to treat him and helps the Commander confirm that Kirk isn’t fit for command. Kirk then attacks Spock, and Spock, surprised, unleashes the VULCAN DEATH GRIP, killing Kirk instantly. Whoops! Guess that’s over then! J/K, Spock and Kirk are on a secret mission to steal the Romulan’s cloaking device. (The Vulcan Death Grip is not a real thing, unfortunately, but I sincerely hope that someone has named a cocktail after it, anyway. Also, a yoga pose. Also, a geek metal band.)
I won’t deny that Kirk and Spock’s plan here has, like, a BUNCH of holes. (I’m not even getting into the whole Disguise Kirk as a Romulan nonsense, although I will say that Deanna Troi wore it better.) Still, as far as TOS insta-seduction stories go, I think Spock/Commander is honestly one of the better ones. I do wish there was more time for their quasi-romance to breathe, like, it would make for a hell of a three-episode arc, if that was something TOS actually did. But I also think they have better chemistry than Kirk and literally any of the women he’s ever seduced; also, Leonard Nimoy just doesn’t come off as weird and creepy like William Shatner usually does in these stories. And I like that the Commander is trying to manipulate Spock, too. I mean, it’s obvious that her feelings are real, but they’re also both definitely trying to use one another to their advantage, which works for me. I genuinely like Joanna Linville’s performance, and her last scene with Spock is pretty great.
Chief Asshat: Kirk, although admittedly, that is part of the plan. (But it’s a pretty bad plan, so. We’ll still go with him.)
MVP: Joanna Linville. I particularly love when she immediately tells the Romulans to destroy the Enterprise, even though she’s currently onboard, quickly foiling Kirk’s backup plan.
Grade: Chocolate
Line of the Episode: “It is not a lie to keep the truth to oneself.”
“The Paradise Syndrome”
Well. That was quite possibly the worst episode of all time. Definitely in the Top 3 for sure. Margaret Armen wrote the screenplay, and Margaret, Margaret. We gotta talk.
This is just . . . stupid, and racist, and stupidly racist. While investigating a strangely advanced obelisk on yet another planet that looks just like Earth, Kirk accidentally manages to fall through a trap door and get zapped by a “memory beam,” giving him amnesia. Spock and Bones can’t find him and are forced to abandon the search because an asteroid, two months away, is hurtling towards the planet, and they only have a 30 minute window to arrive at the correct coordinates to deflect it—which definitely begs the question of what the fuck they were doing dicking around here in the first place, like, Christ, I give myself more time to catch the fucking bus. The Enterprise basically breaks their engines trying to make the deadline, and their initial deflection attempt fails, so Spock decides to try and split the asteroid in half for . . . Reasons? Like, IDK, my dude. Even if that worked, I’m not sure how helpful it would be, considering this asteroid is nearly as big as the fucking MOON. Anyway, the Enterprise is now (very slowly) racing the big space rock back to the planet, and the only hope of saving everyone is if Spock can translate these mysterious symbols he saw on the obelisk and hope they have a miraculous solution.
Meanwhile, what is Amnesiac Kirk doing on this planet for two months? Well. The people who live there are apparently American Indians. Yes, literally. Specifically, they’re people from the Navajo, Mohican, and Delaware tribes, something Spock can apparently tell at a far-off glance, not that anyone makes any attempt to discuss these tribal differences ever again. A few of the American Indians see Kirk emerge from the obelisk as Has Been Foretold, and they immediately assume this random white guy is a god, and—yeah. Yeah. It’s awful, just all of it. The white savior narrative, the brownface. William Shatner’s VO and general overacting, which seems to hit new unprecedented heights in this episode. (Seriously, the pauses have never been this egregious, have they?) It feels icky and gross to watch Kirk almost fetishize this “simple” way of life, especially when the American Indian characters are written to be so incredibly stupid. Also, seeing Kirk in basically all of these costumes, just . . . whew, this is atrocious.
Anyway, Kirk takes the role of medicine chief and marries Miramanee, according to tradition. (Miramanee’s now-ex-fiancee is pissed, which is understandable, but he’s also The Worst, so.) Miramanee gets preggers, which means she has to die. Specifically, she gets stoned to death. See, according to that prophecy, Kirk is supposed to open the obelisk and escort everyone inside during the big storm, but he doesn’t actually know how to do that. Miramanee’s Ex gleefully decides this is the proof he’s been looking for and gathers a mob to stone Kirk for being a false god. Miramanee stands by her man and dies for it. But never fear! Spock, who has since translated most of the alien symbols, returns in time to save Kirk and perform the “Vulcan mind fusion,” restoring his memories. Kirk manages to open the obelisk (the trick to doing so is about as nonsensical as everything else here) and activate it. See, the obelisk is actually a broken asteroid deflector. It was left here forever ago by a super advanced alien species known as the Preservers, who brought the American Indians to this planet in order to save them. ( Hopefully, they agreed to this?) I can only assume the Preservers and the Builders from “Spock’s Brain” are like first cousins. Anyway, everyone lives happily ever after. Except Miramanee, of course, and anyone else who suffered through watching this episode.
Chief Asshat: Oh, Margaret.
MVP: Bones and Spock, mostly because their interactions are the only good things about “The Paradise Syndrome.” I kinda adore Spock’s little rock demonstration of the asteroid problem, and I obviously like when Bones yells at Spock to get some damn sleep. There are a few lovely emotional H/C moments here, and I’m so bummed they’re in this dumpster fire of an episode.
Grade: Technically Pistachio, but if anything deserves Mint Chocolate Chip, it’s this bullshit.
Line of the Episode: “My bairns. My poor bairns.”
Triple Scoop Review: The Suicide Squad, The Red Queen Kills Seven Times, and The Green Knight
The Suicide Squad
Year: 2021
Director: James Gunn
First Watch or Rewatch: First Watch
Amazon, Netflix, Hulu, or Other: Other – HBO Max
Spoilers: Yes, but only in the last paragraph
Grade: Chocolate
You know, I liked this. In comparison to David Ayer’s Suicide Squad, obviously, which was a convoluted disaster, but also as its own thing. Gunn’s a pretty solid fit for the irreverent, kooky violence of this particular franchise, and I laughed a lot watching the film. Which isn’t to say that every joke or plot beat works for me. There’s this whole running bit with Polka-Dot Man’s mom that fell flat almost every time. There’s something about the Harley and Silvio Luna subplot (subplot might be a stretch) that feels a bit contrived, although I absolutely love how it concludes, so. It’s not a big complaint. The movie kinda comments on America’s propensity for fucking over other nations, while also . . . IDK, how to put this, exactly. Sorta makes a joke out of it? Which, you know, felt poorly considered. And I do think Peter Capaldi is a bit wasted here.
OTOH, this is an absolutely fantastic cast. I adore Idris Elba in this, like, he has just so many great lines and reactions. Obviously, Margot Robbie as Harley continues to be the Best, and I really like Viola Davis as Amanda Waller, too. (Although I’ll probably always wish Waller was being played by a fat actress.) Joel Kinnaman got a serious glow up as Rick Flag, like, I enjoyed him so much more this time around. John Cena has pretty great comedic timing, and Daniela Melchior as Ratcatcher 2 is sweet and sleepy and awesome. Also, a big shoutout to the scene stealers playing Waller’s support staff: Tinashe Kajese, Steve Agee, and Jennifer Holland.
Some things I can mention without spoilers: the music is great. I think Gunn is really fantastic at creating a fun, vibrant soundtrack without completely overwhelming every scene. I enjoy all the silly gore, obviously, and the flower gunfight scene, too. King Shark, of course, is a violent delight. And like I mentioned before, I laughed a LOT. That opening scene alone, like, holy shit. It’s been a stressful time. I appreciate the laughter.
With SPOILERS: I’m still tired of the Daddy Redemption trope (I swear to God, I just watched this exact setup in The Long Kiss Goodnight, it’s so ubiquitous), but I will say that Idris Elba and Storm Reid screaming at each other was kinda fun. Rick Flag bites it, which–not unexpected, but more of a bummer than I was prepared for. Captain Boomerang dies super early, which I called, as did almost everyone on Team 1. (Including Michael Rooker, who is the Nobu–that is, the character who exists to prove the bomb collar/bomb chip actually works). I really love all the background check fails: Weasel can’t swim, Bloodsport has a rat phobia, etc. Also, the intertitles are great, especially “Warner Bros Pictures presents” and “The Suicide Squad vs. Starro The Conqueror.” Finally, I was really hoping King Shark would eat Peacemaker, but . . . alas, spinoff. And as much as I enjoyed John Cena here, like. Why, of all possible characters, is Peacemaker getting a spinoff?
The Red Queen Kills Seven Times
Year: 1972
Director: Emilio Miraglia
First Watch or Rewatch: First Watch
Amazon, Netflix, Hulu, or Other: Other – Shudder
Spoilers: Not really, no
Grade: Strawberry
So one day, I’m hanging out, flipping around on Shudder, as you do, and I see the title of this giallo movie. Naturally, I’m like, “Holy shit, that’s the best title ever,” and check out the plot description, which reads: Two sisters inherit their family castle that is supposedly haunted by their murderous ancestor. When their friends begin disappearing, they suspect that there might be some truth to the rumors. And I’m like, “OMG, this was MADE for me.”
And yeah, I did enjoy this one. The bad guy isn’t super hard to guess, like, Mek and I got that straight away, but there were enough red herrings and general shifty behavior to keep things interesting; also, a couple of twists I genuinely didn’t expect. The murders are fun and appropriately bloody, the killer has a signature maniacal laugh, the score by Bruno Nicolai is great, and JFC, the fashion in this movie. (Much of which can be seen in this fan-made trailer.) I basically wanna own Kitty’s whole wardrobe, not to mention, steal one of Rosemary’s outfits, the one paired with the most spectacular glasses I’ve ever seen. Martin’s sexy robe amuses me (more mid-thigh robes for men!) and Franziska’s nightgown is, uh. Well, it’s certainly a look.
There are things I’d change here, like, I’d straight up cut the completely unnecessary sexual assault that has absolutely zero bearing on the plot and is never mentioned again by anybody. I’d seriously rewrite almost everything about Elizabeth, “the crazy wife” character. And I’d kill off one of the survivors because, nah. Never liked them, anyway. But overall, I had fun. Like, cool clothes, great hair, multiple ridiculous murders, weird dream sequences, spooky old family legends, and mildly perplexing castle designs? I mean, really, what’s not to like?
The Green Knight
Year: 2021
Director: David Lowery
First Watch or Rewatch: First Watch
Amazon, Netflix, Hulu, or Other: Amazon
Spoilers: Only mild ones
Grade: Vanilla
You know. This was okay. I can see how The Green Knight might be a love-it-or-hate-it movie for some folks, but I find myself kind of caught in the middle. Again. It’s shocking, I know. Some of that might be the subject matter: Arthurian legends aren’t, by and large, my jam, and the only part of this story I knew prior to watching the film was the opening act. TBH, I really thought that was the whole story for a long time: Dude A says, “You can take the first shot, but I’m gonna hit you back just as hard next year,” Dude B says, “Ha-ha, no, you won’t,” and decapitates Dude A, and then Dude A picks up his decapitated head and says, “See you in a year, sucker!” I’m starting to wonder if maybe I read this in a spooky stories for kids book or something. But I digress.
The cast is great. Dev Patel is a solid leading man, and Sean Harris, Kate Dickie, Alicia Vikander, Erin Kellyman, and Ralph Ineson all make up a strong supporting cast. There are several scenes or small moments that I enjoy: Kate Dickie reading the Green Knight’s challenge, or basically any other time the Green Knight is on screen, all the fabulous costumes and crowns and hair, the fox, the intertitles, pretty much the entire subplot with Erin Kellyman, etc. “A Meeting With Saint Winifred” was easily my favorite part of the journey, partially because I like the actress, but also because it’s such great classic ghost story shit. (Also, I was already familiar with Saint Winifred, so I got to be all, “Ha! See, I know some references!”)
It’s interesting because, in some ways, The Green Knight actually isn’t as weird as I was expecting. Surreal? Sure, and I definitely didn’t catch all the symbology involved, but the basic plot is easy enough to follow, and while the the ending is arguably ambiguous, I also wasn’t blinking, all, WTF just happened? Much of the cinematography is, of course, lovely, although to me, some of the editing choices and camerawork just felt kinda distracting. (In fairness, the Ibuprofen for my headache had not fully kicked in, so some of the spins probably weren’t doing much for my mood.) My least favorite part, without question, was the whole section with The Lord and The Lady cause, like. I was so bored. I’ve now skimmed through several interviews and reviews explaining all the hidden clues, context, visual metaphors, interpretations, etc., but . . . I’m sorry. SO. BORED.
This is my thing about The Green Knight: the trailer looked wild, and I’m glad I tried it out, but while I enjoyed bits of it, on the whole, I felt kinda *shrug* about the movie after it was over. I honestly don’t have many criticisms and would never suggest it was a bad film, but sometimes you try something and find that, meh, maybe it just wasn’t for you. Which is fine! And it’s totally possible that I might like the movie more on repeat viewings, although at present, I don’t feel any particularly need to watch it again. If I do, though, it’s definitely gonna be around Christmas. I’m always on board for more non-traditional Christmas movies. Adding this to list!
World’s Worst Trekkie: Wolf in the Fold, The Trouble With Tribbles, and The Gamesters of Triskelion
Well. There are many fascinating things in this trio of episodes. Tribbles. Serial killers. Talking alien brains that orchestrate death matches. Prepare yourselves, my friends, for the road ahead is paved with hilarity, absurdity, misogyny, violence, unexpected historical references, and fantastic hair.
DISCLAIMER
There will be SPOILERS for these three episodes and probably also the Star Trek franchise in general. You’ve been warned.
“Wolf in the Fold”
Oh, wow. That was, yes. That was surely an episode.
At first, I assumed we were in for our standard ‘Starfleet officer is framed for murder’ story, but oh no, my friends. Oh no. Things take a turn for the WTF when it’s revealed that it’s not Scotty who’s murdering women but Jack the Ripper. JACK THE FUCKING RIPPER. Redjac is a non-corporeal alien entity who kills women because they’re more easily terrified than men. (According to Spock, that is, who you’ll remember is absolutely perfect 80% of the time and sucks so hard the other 20%.) Obviously, I was unprepared for this turn of events. Mek mentioned JtR early in the episode (cause murder, fog, etc.), but it was supposed to be a joke. Reader. It was not a joke. Kirk actually says things like “but everything we’ve uncovered points to Jack the Ripper,” which is just categorically untrue, BTW. It has literally been less than 20 seconds since JtR even became a possible suspect. Redjac is also played by John Fiedler, who notably voiced Piglet from Winnie the Pooh. Which means that “Evil Piglet is Jack the Ripper!” is now a real thing that I have said.
That’s obviously the most ludicrous thing that happens in the episode, but never fear: absurdity abounds in many forms today! Like how Scotty is only on this planet at all because Bones prescribed him a rehabilitative trip to the local belly dancer tavern, which is supposed to cure him of his “total resentment toward women,” an affliction he’s been suffering from ever since some woman caused an explosion that knocked Scotty into a bulkhead?
I . . . I can’t. I just can’t.
There’s also the “psycho-tricorder” (a device I’m relatively sure is never used again), Spock’s random ass theory of the “hypnotic screen,” the fact that Kirk seems way more concerned about making sure Scotty gets cleared of all charges than he is about any of the dead women (including one of his own officers, for Christ’s sake), and the fact that Kirk ultimately defeats Jack the Ripper by getting everyone on board high.
I can’t stress enough that this is all a real episode, a real episode that really aired.
It’s terrible. I wanna watch it twice.
Chief Asshat: I’m gonna have to go with all of them? Yeah, all of them.
MVP: Whoever’s responsible for Sybo’s hair and wardrobe because it’s incredibly rare for me to see women’s fashion on TOS and think, Hell yeah, I’d wear that.
Grade: Vanilla
Line of the Episode:
“I . . . I don’t remember.”
“Really, sir, that is hardly helpful.”
“The Trouble With Tribbles”
HOLY SHIT WE’VE REACHED THE TRIBBLE EPISODE!
I’ve never actually seen this episode in full before. I have seen the above GIF plenty of times–which is actually more morbid than you’d expect, considering how many of those cute cascading Tribbles are already dead–plus “Trials and Tribble-ations” a billion years ago. But this is the first time I’m seeing the OG version, and folks, it’s delightful. There’s a reason this one’s a classic: the script is hilarious, and the actors land every damn line. (Well. Okay, I found Chekov’s “everything was invented in Russia” shtick a little forced today, but everything else.)
Some of my many favorite moments: Scotty being able to endure any insult except an insult to the ship, Spock fooling absolutely nobody when he insists that he is immune to the charms of the tribble, Uhura archly reminding Kirk how often she gets short leave, Kirk putting his foot down due to the tragic loss of his chicken sandwich and coffee, and nobody wanting to take responsibility for beaming all the tribbles over to the Klingon’s engine room. (Which is hilarious, but also, holy shit, this is an act of WAR. Like, they basically just sentenced Cyrano Jones to 17 years of fuzzy labor for this kind of irresponsible shit.)
Short of quoting half the episode, I’m not sure how much I have to say. I do, of course, deeply relate to Scotty trying to pass up shore leave in order to stay inside and read, but I wish he’d also said something like, “Yeah I’ve had trouble relaxing on shore leave ever since that unfortunate time I was framed for multiple murders by Alien Jack the Ripper.” And the Klingons, once again, do not particularly act like the Klingons I’m familiar with, though I was kinda amused to see Klingon Trelane, or rather, the actor who played Trelane in “The Squire of Gothos” showing up in this episode as Koloth.
Chief Asshat: Oh, Baris, just for being a whiny little shit.
MVP: Kirk and Scotty. They both made me laugh a lot.
Grade: Chocolate
Line of the Episode: Oh, this is hard. “Extremely little, ensign” is a fantastic burn by Spock. I always enjoy some Bones and Spock banter, and of course, “You gave them to the Klingons?” is just fantastic. Still . . .
“My chicken sandwich and coffee . . . this is my chicken sandwich and coffee . . .”
“Fascinating.”
“I want these things off the ship. I don’t care if takes every man we’ve got. I want them off the ship.”
It’s all about Kirk’s delivery. It’s so incredulous/plaintive. It makes me think fondly of Janeway, who we all know would’ve burned every tribble alive if they got between her and her coffee.
“The Gamesters of Triskelion”
. . . can I have Jack the Ripper back?
Seriously. “Wolf in the Fold” is terrible, but like, drinking game terrible. It’s delightfully bad. There is no such delight to be found in “The Gamesters of Triskelion.” The script physically hurts me. There are discussions of freedom, slavery, love, and beauty, and every single line is the worst line. The fight scenes are terrible, too, which of course is totally normal, but as this is a classic “you must fight to the death for our amusement” episode, it’d be cool if I could at least say nice things about the death battles. Alas, there is very little to praise here. Like, okay, I did laugh when Galt says he’s been sent to welcome our heroes, and we immediately cut to Kirk being forcefully cuffed to the wall. That was funny. Also funny: the fashion. Kirk’s battle harness, for instance. Also, I wanna get a bald cap and cosplay Galt. His collar is so sparkly!
Otherwise, yeah. We get a weird amount of closeups and poorly acted monologues delivered to the sky. We get a lot of pointless filler scenes where Bones and Scotty argue with Spock, which is especially galling because it’s so goddamn obvious that Spock is correct. (There is, admittedly, a funny moment where Spock totally trolls these two as he leans in, all hush-hush, and brings up mutiny–but it’s too little, too late.) We get Kirk seducing an alien woman for the 87th time. (I initially thought of her as Sexy Oompa Loompa, which isn’t entirely fair, considering her green hair is fantastic, and her skin isn’t nearly orange enough. Mek mentioned that Lady Gaga could rock this look, which is absolutely correct–and yes, Google tells me the similarities have definitely been noted before.)
Alien Lady Gaga wants to leave on the Enterprise and learn about the stars, but isn’t allowed to despite her newfound freedom because, IDK, it’s more important that she stays here, being taught by the evolved, colorful brains who enslaved her in the first place? Bullshit, sir. You take this woman away from this terrible place. Also, Kirk wins everybody’s freedom far too easily, like, what the hell happened to the whole “to the death” part of the rules? And did I mention the scene where Lars the Thrall tries to sexually assault Uhura offscreen? Yeah, no, what the fuck was THAT shit, writers? Absofuckinglutely not.
In conclusion:
Chief Asshat: Lars, obviously, but Kirk kinda sucks here, too
MVP: Uhura, who’s had an immensely shitty day and deserves better
Grade: Strawberry
Line of the Episode:
“Your–your terms are unfair!”
“On the contrary, they’re extremely fair, since your alternative is death.”
Year of Monsters: The Mummy
I adore The Mummy (1999). I adore The Mummy Returns. I do not adore The Mummy (2017) with Tom Cruise and Sofia Boutella, but to be fair, I only watched about ten minutes of it. Maybe it gets better. (It doesn’t get better. We all know it.)
Now it’s time to see where all these movies began.
May I present The Mummy (1932) with Boris Karloff and Zita Johann.
Triple Spooky Scoop Review: The Conjuring, Insidious, and A Girl Walks Home Alone At Night
Well, I’d intended to post this a few days ago; however, due to the insane winds and the Kincade Fire up north, my sister and I had to evacuate over the weekend, along with nearly 200,000 other people in the county. I’ve gotta tell you: fire season is really doing its best to dampen my enthusiasm for what’s otherwise the greatest time of the year.
I’m back home now, though, and as of writing this, the Kincade Fire is contained at 45%. (Earlier, I mistakenly told people it was 45% when it was really 30%, and then maybe an hour later, it actually jumped to 45%. I’m pretty sure this just means I’m psychic now.) Hopefully, things will only continue to improve; in the meantime, it’s back to business as usual at My Geek Blasphemy, which is to say, more Horror Bingo!
Happy Halloween!
The Conjuring
First Watch or Rewatch: First Watch
Amazon, Netflix, Hulu, or Other: Netflix
Spoilers: Some, yes
Grade: Chocolate
I enjoyed this for the most part. It’s a decently creepy film with a lot of good scare moments, especially considering there’s very little bloodshed. Some bits that particularly stood out: many of the shots with the music box, the ghost perched on top of the wardrobe, the entire “hide and clap” game. I like that the haunting is spread out amongst the family: one girl has the invisible friend, one continuously sleepwalks into the wardrobe, etc. I also like there are multiple children: sure, these characters are based on real people, but families in horror movies usually consist of one, maybe two kids. Here we have five daughters, and that’s just kind of neat. I was also extremely relieved that Roger didn’t spend the entire movie insisting his family was imagining things. I’m very tired of the whole “woman is superstitious and scared/dude believes in facts and science” dynamic. In fact, the general lack of skepticism in this movie was a refreshing change of pace. And speaking of refreshing, hey, Drew made it out alive! This was also a delightful surprise.
There are things that don’t work so well for me, though. While I like everyone in the Perron family (Lili Taylor is my MVP here), I don’t always buy our actual exorcists. Patrick Wilson is often a hit-or-miss actor for me, but I’ll admit, Vera Farmiga was a surprise because I’ve liked her in just about everything I’ve seen. In Farmiga’s defense, though, some of that expository dialogue is pretty rough; for instance: Look, I’ve got to tell you, you have a lot of spirits in here, but this is the one I’m most worried about because it is so hateful. I genuinely don’t know if anyone could’ve pulled that line. I also didn’t love the whole “yeah, Salem witches were real witches who actually sacrificed their children to Satan” backstory because one, ick, and two, why? I’m not thrilled with the score, either: some of the “tense” music threw me out of the story, and the happy times music at the end was like something out of a Disney film. OTOH, I was kind of delighted–if utterly bemused–by the anachronistic appearance of Dead Man’s Bones halfway through the film. I’m always up for some Dead Man’s Bones.
I enjoyed The Conjuring enough to potentially check out the sequel, although I don’t have much interest in any of the Annabelle movies. Still, I kinda adore the fact that a relatively small haunted house movie was the starting point for this whole shared universe of horror.
Insidious
First Watch or Rewatch: First Watch
Amazon, Netflix, Hulu, or Other: Netflix
Spoilers: Absolutely
Grade: Strawberry
Huh. It appears we’re following up James Wan and Patrick Wilson with more James Wan and Patrick Wilson. Unfortunately, I don’t find Insidious nearly as successful as The Conjuring, and not just because it has that superstitious wife/skeptical husband dynamic that I was specifically hoping to avoid. I do like the basic story well enough. I also thought the first attempt to communicate with Dalton was pretty fun (holy shit, I love the medium’s gas mask), and everything in The Further looks pretty cool–even if I do think a name like “The Further” is trying way too hard, like, it just doesn’t feel natural. (Like when American Muggles became No-Majes, for example, and basically every American was all hard pass.) I also like that Patrick Wilson used to astral project as a child, though I think that particular reveal comes way too late, and I’m disappointed the movie doesn’t follow-through on exploring his repressed childhood trauma.
Meanwhile, there’s a lot that just doesn’t work for me on any level. For one, I don’t find this movie creepy at all. Basically none of the scares were scary: I laughed out loud at the opening credits when INSIDIOUS popped up on screen to the sounds of excessively dramatic violin, and sadly, things didn’t improve much from there. (Darth Maul the Ghost was not a turn of events I was expecting.) I’m bummed that Rose Byrne gets nothing interesting to do in the second half of the film; I’m even more disappointed that Lin Shaye bites it, something that surprised me–even though it shouldn’t have–because I knew she was in all the sequels. (In my defense, I didn’t know some of those films were prequels.) How awesome is it, I thought, to actually have an actress play a heroic character who a) survives multiple horror films, and b) is above the age of 60? What other franchise has done that? Poltergeist, maybe? (I don’t actually know; despite loving the original film, I never did see the sequels. Are they worth watching? Does Zelda Rubinstein make it through the whole trilogy?)
And while I don’t mind that Josh gets possessed, exactly–dude’s a weird combo of shifty, bland, and really annoying–I find the actual ending of the film fairly uninspired. Ultimately, this one’s just not my favorite.
A Girl Walks Home Alone At Night
First Watch or Rewatch: First Watch
Amazon, Netflix, Hulu, or Other: Other – Shudder
Spoilers: Surprisingly, no
Grade: Vanilla
The weirdest thing about this moody Iranian vampire-western is that it was filmed in Taft. Taft is a tiny ass town in Middle of Nowhere, California; it also just happens to be the place where I saw Rogue One on Christmas with my dad a few years back. This is not relevant to the film, of course, but it blows my fucking mind.
A Girl Walks Home Alone At Night is interesting, and I haven’t totally made up my mind about it yet. It’s extremely well-crafted and something I’d recommend, but it’s also unlikely to be a personal favorite. (Well. Maybe. I don’t know. Some movies take time and space to sink in.) The overall pace is slow, which is fine, but I find myself itching to shave minutes off multiple scenes, like, it often takes four beats too long for my liking for anyone to actually use their words. It’s all intentional, of course; this movie is definitely a mood piece, and good God, it’s got aesthetic like whoa. The music, the filming, just the whole style of it . . . this movie has such voice, and that’s pretty cool. It’s also always awesome to see horror movies directed by women, and considering this was the first Iranian vampire film at all? Like, that’s just neat.
I do wish I cared a little more about the relationship between Arash and the Girl. I do like the role reversal here–boy vamps can be so boring–and the Girl herself is pretty awesome. She’s strange and eerie, particularly whenever she’s mimicking and/or trailing after someone–and of course, I’m all about her striped shirt, chador, and skateboard. That is some cosplay gold. And yeah, Arash is fine, too, with his whole James Dean thing going on, and I get it–two lonely people in the night–but still, I just can’t seem to make myself care about them together. They spend so little time with one another, like, it’s really only a few scenes, and after, well, events . . . I’m just not sure I totally buy the ending. Which is frustrating because I actually love the ending: it’s interesting and original, and you can see exactly what Arash is thinking and when he comes to his decision without him ever saying a word. It’s such a cool conclusion, but that doesn’t mean I buy it exactly, not from him, not quite yet.
I don’t know, dudes: ask me again in six months. I’m still mulling over here.
My Geek Blasphemy 