MEGA Coming Soon-Ish: All The 2016-2017 TV Coming Your Way

Okay, that’s a lie: it’s not all the TV. But it’s quite a lot of it. We’re talking trailers galore, people, say roughly 20 of them. Let’s see how long they last before they’re inevitably taken down!

With so many trailers, you’d think I’d have more on my To-Watch list, but sadly that list is rather short, as it appears that many of the shows I’m interested in (like Emerald City, Powerless, or Midnight, Texas) are premiering mid-season and don’t yet have previews available. (One was leaked for Powerless but has since been taken down by NBC. Curse you, NBC.)

Still, there are a bevy of shows I could potentially check out, depending on early buzz, better trailers, important TV schedule conflicts, etc. There are also quite a number of shows I have very little interest in, and three trailers I wouldn’t necessarily mind setting on fire. I’ll let you find out which is which, but I’ll tell you this now: as awful as Bull sounds (and it does sound AWFUL), it was actually not my least favorite trailer this year. Yup. There’s a show that looks worse than Dr. Phil writing about a younger and more sexually magnetic version of himself rigging juries and otherwise outsmarting everyone he meets.

My fellow Earthlings, I present (some of) the 2016-2017 television season:

ON THE WATCH-LIST

Frequency

I watched the movie this show was based on a long damn time ago, and I know I liked it back then, but I barely remember anything about it now. This trailer tells you a lot, like, presumably every big twist that happens in the pilot, but I can’t say that it doesn’t intrigue me. (Although I suspect I’ll be hiding my face a lot while Peyton List says stuff that clearly doesn’t jive with the current timeline anymore.) This show feels like it has the potential to be ambitious, though, and seems like a bit of a departure for the CW. I don’t know if it’s going to be good, but I definitely plan to check it out.

(Good Lord. I just watched the trailer for the original movie, and it’s so ridiculously dated with music that goddamn swells. It kind of makes me wanna watch the movie again, and also makes me terrified to do so.)

Prison Break

*Disclaimer: SPOILERS for the previous seasons*

God help me, I’m actually going to watch this. I feel like I have to: I watched the original series, after all. (For a while, anyway, although I finally gave up sometime during the last season, either when Michael’s saintly dead mom was revealed to be alive and EVIL, or when Decapitated Sara somehow came back to life, violating TV’s one sacrosanct rule: anyone can come back, so long as they still have their heads. More importantly, Michael and Lincoln (or rather Captain Cold and Heat Wave) have been one of Legends of Tomorrow’s very few saving graces, and this looks so utterly ridiculous that it basically demands a watch, not the least of which because the show originally ended with Michael being dead too.

Obviously, Prison Break has never met a resurrection it didn’t like, which is a funny thing to say about a show that has zero speculative elements. Anyway, this looks pretty corny. I’m not sure what the worst part is; either Wentworth Miller’s thick and over-the-top “brother” or Sara’s waxing poetic about her supposedly dead love: “He was like a storm appearing suddenly out of a clear blue sky.” Gag. And yet, I’m going to try it, at least, the first episode. I’d commit to more, but one of the only people who apparently isn’t returning is William Fichtner, and while that’s probably a wise career decision on his part, he was easily the best part of the original show. For Fichtner, I’d commit to a season. Everyone else gets an hour out of me.

MAYBE I’LL CHECK OUT

Making History

I actually don’t watch a lot of comedy on television (although I feel like I should watch more). I might check out Making History, though, because despite having a very uneven track record of enjoying time travel stories, this trailer actually made me laugh several times. Especially with lines like “you have urgent questions about colonial Massachusetts” and “what story starts with a guy getting in a duffle bag in a garage and has a happy ending.” Oh, and also “yes” and “no, not at all” simultaneously. (Although the “show me the money” bit did kind of fall flat for me, and I’m curious/hesitant to see how they’ll be handling slavery in general.)

I’m not 100% on this yet–I rarely am with comedies–but it might be worth investigating further.

Timeless

(Ugh, screw you, bullshit internet for failing AGAIN–I’ve lost my whole section here.)

Okay, take two: I see now that the primary TV trend this season—other than the remakes/reboots/sequels that absolutely no one was waiting for–is time travel. This one looks . . . okay. On one hand, this is about an unlikely trio going back in the past to stop some big time crime, so sure, that could be fun. Goran Visnjic looks to be the primary villain, which I’m on board with, and Matt Frewer is playing . . . er, someone? Whatever, I’m always happy to see Matt Frewer show up. And I’ve already decided that Rufus is my favorite character.

On the other hand, I’m less excited about our lead heroine. It’s not an acting thing; she just seems like an utterly boring character, pretty and bland and lacking a single definitive personality trait. Supposedly, she’s along for the ride because she’s a historian, but I’m sure you won’t be shocked that there are hints that something else is going on here, some big secret or past history or possible destiny that makes her Special. Yawn. And while I’m excited to see Shantel VanSanten (hi, Patty!), the soldier dude’s whole ‘I’m almost certainly a depressed alcoholic because of my dead wife’ thing? Repeat: YAWN.

This could be a fun little SF action show, and maybe I’ll get into it. But I’m concerned it’s feeling a bit generic and trope-y right now.

Lethal Weapon

So, I don’t plan to check this one out, but to be fair: the trailer isn’t nearly as bad I’d expected it to be, and I could try the pilot out just to see. I did laugh a few times, and the actors seemed fine in their respective roles. I was probably the most interested in Kevin Rahm as the police chief, though, just because he’s one of those character actors that pops up here and again on TV, and it’s been a while since I’ve seen him. (Ah, I see he’s recently been on Madam Secretary and Mad Men. Well, that explains that mystery, then.)

Of course, I also rolled my eyes pretty heartily at Riggs’s Dead Wife. Not that I expected or even necessarily wanted them to take out Madame Refrigerator, of course, but sweet Jesus, she was preggers and in a floral top, like, trope a little harder, guys. (Seriously, I basically just made fun of this last week in my proposed outline for Tetris: The Trilogy.) Mostly, though, I’m not sure I get the point of this show: there’s nothing particularly new here, nothing that makes me think I should watch this rather than just re-watch the movie. I mean, hopefully it will be updated to exclude any gross homophobic lines. Still, I’m not excited about this.

Maybe if it had been gender-flipped. That, I could have been on board with.

Shots Fired

Potentially powerful, but I’d be lying if I said I was sure I was gonna check in. It’s definitely the kind of show I’d have to make myself watch, not one that I’d naturally be inclined to. Shots Fired appears to be an “event series,” so if it does well, I’m guessing it will be something in the vein of True Detective, where the characters and actors change every year. Might be one of those shows I wait to hear a few reviews of before checking out.

Still Star-Crossed

It’s . . . kind of interesting, despite its awful title. Romeo and Juliet is remade all the time, but I feel like it’s rare that anyone actually goes anywhere new and exciting with it. This is admittedly different, though, because Still Star-Crossed takes place after R+J have already kicked the bucket. It focuses on what happens after the events of the play, and I’m intrigued by the idea of two houses struggling to survive in the aftermath. Like a more consolidated Game of Thrones, but with less dragons and probably more suicide.

I’m less keen, though, on the idea that everything hangs on the arranged marriage between–wait for it–Benvolio Montague and Rosaline Capulet. Like, I could totally watch a show where that was part of the drama, but this (along with what I’m assuming will be a steamy love triangle) appears to be the primary plot, and that sounds less interesting to me. On the upside, Rosaline looks pretty fun. On the downside, Mercutio and Tybalt are probably still dead, so. Meh. I might check it out, but it’s far from a sure thing.

No Tomorrow

I’ve seen two trailers for this now. This one’s longer and, in my opinion, far more interesting, but I’m still not sure if I want to try this, and I swear it’s not just because this is the show that’s bumped iZombie until mid-season. (Okay, that’s not entirely the reason. Look, I’m trying not to hold grudges, but iZombie is one of my favorite things on TV right now, and I’m still cranky that I have to wait until 2017 to get it back.)

Parts of this trailer look cute, and I’m happy that our MC (who has to learn to live life to the fullest, and such) has moments where she calls her love interest out on bullshit, like, seriously, that shit about the job? NO. Not okay, don’t care how hot you are. But story-wise, I’m not convinced this would hold my attention for a full year, not to mention . . . what happens after that year? Presumably at some point we’re going to find out if Galavant is right about the asteroid apocalypse, yes? (Unless you’re really going to stretch it out, which, boo.) I’ll tell you right now: if this show started life as a basic, quirky rom-com that become an SF apocalypse rom-com? I would respect the holy hell out of it. It might become my favorite thing ever. And CW actually might be the only station weird enough to do it, but I feel like that might be wishful thinking on my part, and I’m just not sure I care enough about all the carpe diem shit to wait for the ultimate endgame.

Conviction

This is so close to a pass, guys. Literally my only interest in it is Hayley Atwell. I mean, okay, the supporting cast is also fine: we’ve got Emily Kinney from The Walking Dead, Merrin Dungey from Alias, and Shawn Ashmore from the X-Men movies (but it’s his twin from Warehouse 13 and Killjoys who’s stolen my heart). Story-wise, though, this is doing very little for me: it feels like a knock-off of few different political/lawyer soaps shoved into one, and I’m not really feeling much about this trailer. I might give this a shot, but I’d much rather Netflix just made me happy and picked up Agent Carter instead.

The Good Place

This looks kind of funny. I’m basically in love with Kristen Bell, and while this is no Veronica Mars, she made me laugh a few times here, so I could check it out. My main concern with this one is that . . . well, where does this show go? I could maybe see watching it for a season, but beyond that, how do you keep it from just being the same thing over and over again? There’s really only so many times I can watch Kristen Bell do something hilariously naughty and slowly learn some kind of moral lesson, only to forget anything she’s learned again the next episode. I might give it a shot for her, but this story almost seems like it’d be better suited for a movie or mini-series, rather than a TV show. (Unless it goes to really surprising metaphysical places–but I’m thinking that’s unlikely for an NBC comedy.)

PASS

MacGyver

This is a pass, but it’s a light pass. If I heard a bunch of great reviews praising it for being a fun and silly good time, I’d probably check it out. The trailer just doesn’t really excite me, like, I’m all about using a hose and some gum and, say, a matchstick to make something that goes boom, but I generally need a little more than that to invest in a TV show, even a procedural, and right now it seems like that’s basically all there is.  Generally, I’m looking for great banter (this is okay) or awesome character dynamics (meh) or really exciting world building (ha), and I’m not quite feeling that. I was pleasantly surprised that George Eads is in this, but right now he and Lucas Till just aren’t big enough draws for me, and as I never watched the original, I don’t have nostalgia working for me, either.

Time After Time

I told you guys: time travel is in this year.

This one (surprisingly based on a book, which was actually already adapted into a movie back in 1979) has a gloriously cheesy premise: H.G. Wells unwittingly befriends Jack the Ripper. Jack the Ripper steals H.G. Wells’s time machine and heads into the future, and H.G. Wells pursues. It’s ludicrous and dumb and could be a fun WTF watch, but I’m just not feeling the trailer enough. Maybe if Jaime Murray was H.G. Wells instead. This just doesn’t quite have the charm that, say, the first season of Sleepy Hollow did, and I’m giving it a couple of months before it gets cancelled.

(Holy shit, the 1979 movie had Malcolm McDowell, David Warner, and Mary Steenburgen? I feel like I might have to actually watch that at some point.)

Designated Survivor

The whole idea of the one random government schmo who doesn’t get to go to the State of the Union because someone might blow it up has interested me since I first learned about it in The West Wing. Regardless, this show doesn’t quite look like my jam. While it’s nice to see Kiefer Sutherland playing someone other than a special agent killing machine, I’m kind of expecting this to espouse a ‘the best president is just the little guy, a real MAN OF THE PEOPLE’ philosophy that I expect will get boring fast. Plus, he’ll probably somehow still manage to punch someone in the face. And I don’t trust the wife at all.

The Exorcist

Meh. I’m mostly interested in this one because Alfonso Herrera won my heart as Hernando in Sense8 . . . but I think I’d rather just watch him in the second season of that. This isn’t the worst trailer I’ve ever seen, but it doesn’t feel very atmospheric or creepy to me, and I’m not quite sure how they’re planning to turn it into a TV show–because a dude trying and failing to exorcise the same person over the course of five years could get rather dull. Perhaps the priests will visit a new family every season, or maybe the show will morph into more of a ‘demons are taking over the whole town’ or ‘stop the apocalypse!’ type of show. I could check it out, but I have no real plans to unless I hear absolutely stellar reviews.

24: Legacy

On one hand, I like that this story is about someone other than Jack Bauer, and the MC’s girlfriend looks like she isn’t entirely useless, so that’s good. Plus, Miranda Otto in a command position! I could totally watch that.

On the other hand, you know what we really don’t need in this country right now? Another show about Middle Eastern terrorists trying to destroy America.

Also, Jimmy Smits is evil, or else he’s dying before the end of the season. Calling it now.

Star

I tried out the trailer purely for Queen Latifah, but there’s just something about music industry stories that bores me to tears. I don’t even know what it is. I like music; I just don’t give a shit about the backstage drama or the perilous rise to fame or, well, pretty much any of it. Star has a diverse and interesting cast (Cinna! You made it!) but it just isn’t my kind of thing at all.

Downward Dog

Yeah, no. Even if I was interested in an entire TV show from a dog’s POV (which, no, that’s a five-minute short for me at best), oh my God, his mouth moves as he talks. No. No. I hate that.

OH MY GOD SET IT ON FIRE

This is Us

Yeah, that’s a big no.

As far as I can tell, this is just a show about a bunch of people who were born on the same day. Presumably, they’re all secretly connected in some way or will become connected over time, but right now it’s just days in the lives of a handful of people who share the same birthday. Obviously, that’s not my usual robots and explosions and blood-sucking vampires, but I could try to expand my horizons and check this one out . . . except that one of the characters is apparently a fat woman whose whole story arc/life seems to be about the fact she’s fat. There is not a single scene with her in it where her size  isn’t mentioned. She needs multiple post-its reminding her/scolding her not to eat the cake. She takes out her earrings before getting on the scale. Even her love life is about being a fat person dating a fat person. And I’m just . . . I’m beyond tired of this, that a person’s weight is the only thing that matters, that every facet of her life is about how heavy she is. I need more stories about fat people that aren’t about being fat.

Bull

I’ll admit, the trailer itself is just a straight pass for me, even if it bizarrely seems to tell you every single thing that happens in the pilot. And I’d like to be interested for the cast: I followed Michael Weatherly from Dark Angel to NCIS, and I’ve enjoyed Freddy Rodriguez too (especially in Planet Terror), but the synopsis of this one is just . . . blargh. First, it’s a show about Dr. Phil’s early career, and I don’t know which demographic that appeals to, but I’m sure as hell not in it. Dr. Phil is actually credited as a writer on this show, making it even weirder, especially since Bull’s character is actually described as “having a physicality and feral intelligence that make him magnetic to women and a bruising candor.” Er, ew? The whole thing is just one long squick fest of no thanks, not interested, please move along, move along.

And Finally . . . The Great Indoors

Oh, no. Oh, man. I didn’t think anything was going to be worse than Bull . . . but then I watched this. And I’m like, “Nooooo. No, Joel McHale, I like you so much.  Not you. Not YOU.” But guys, this looks awful. Here are the the only two lines I laughed at:

“You draw a parallel right now, and I will tear both of your arms off and beat you with them.”

“You die.”

That’s it. Those are the only jokes I laughed at in a sitcom trailer that’s over four minutes long. It turns out the entire workplace comedy is about making fun of millennials, how sensitive they are, how unrealistic, how they know nothing about real life and have made the whole damn world too PC. And I’m like, you know, I hear people whining about millennials a whole lot more than I actually hear millennials whine.

Now, full disclosure: I was born in 1985, so I’m in kind of a weird spot, generation-wise: often I get grouped with millennials, but sometimes I’m placed with whatever the hell generation came before them. (Generation Y? What are they even known for?) And I’m watching this trailer thinking, look, if I’m supposed to think emotional support animals are bullshit, or wish people would stop policing racist, sexist, and homophobic slurs, or rant about how the internet keeps people from experiencing the real world, as if I haven’t made at least half a dozen friends solely because of the internet . . . yeah, no. Sign me up to be an official millennial, folks, because this trailer was painful even without the laugh track. (Oh, yeah. There’s a laugh track. I thought those went extinct, like, ten years ago. Must have the millennial hope in me.)

That’s all for today. Which TV shows are you the most/least interested in?

“People Keep Asking If I’m Back, And I Haven’t Really Had An Answer, But Yeah, I’m Thinking I’m Back.”

So, last year I saw a trailer for John Wick and, man, I laughed my ass off. It looked terrible. It looked beyond terrible. I had a giggle fit that lasted, like, a solid minute.

But after the movie came out, I heard a surprising number of good reviews for it, and not just people saying stuff like, “Man, this is so-bad-it’s-good,” but like, “Dudes, this shit is AMAZING.” So eventually I was like, “Okay, well, I’m gonna have to give this an honest shot at some point,” and some point turned out to be last week.

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Ultimately? I was like, “Yeah, that was pretty decent.” Continue reading

“I’m Not the Bad Guy.”

Netflix’s Daredevil comes out tomorrow and nerds ’round the world are pretty jazzed about it — all except me, it seems. Don’t get me wrong: I do plan to watch the series. I even figure I’ll probably like it, assuming all the buzz it’s been generating for the past few weeks is worth a damn. But I’m just not as excited as I’d like to be, partially because I was underwhelmed by the first trailer, and partially because I’m — perhaps unfairly — annoyed by EW’s recent review, where they refer to it as a superhero show “specifically for grown-ups,” unlike all those other “juvenile” superhero TV shows that I’m passionate about. It’s interesting when a review makes you feel like a scolded child for enjoying something.

Anyway. New Daredevil got Mekaela and I talking about old Daredevil, naturally. People are eager to talk shit about that movie, and it’s not like I loved it, either, but I found myself wondering — was it really as bad as everyone said? People can be prone to over exaggeration, after all, and Ben Affleck’s been a pretty easy target for the last fifteen years or so. Then again, that’s basically what I thought about Fantastic Four, too (sans Affleck, obviously), until I rewatched it last year and discovered, No, it really IS a pretty crappy movie. I felt like I needed to give Daredevil the same chance.

My verdict?

daredevil2

Well, let me put it this way: Daredevil the TV show? It can’t possibly be any worse.

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“I Now Pronounce You Devil and His Shorty.”

A few weeks ago, my friends and I were faced with a hard choice. We had all gathered to watch a movie together, and the final nominees were this: Frozen, a highly beloved Academy Award winning Disney film, and The Crow: Wicked Prayer, the fourth movie in a mostly terrible franchise (saving the original, obviously), featuring the varied talents of David Boreanaz, Edward Furlong, Dennis Hopper, Danny Trejo, and Tara Reid.

I think you all know which one I watched.

cuervo1

It’s at least vaguely possible that we didn’t make the right call.

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“I’m Not Alone.”

My friend Rob got me Rio Bravo for Christmas because he’s an awesome kind of guy. Unfortunately, the year is running out, and I have one more western I absolutely have to watch first. (Because I made a list and said I’d stick to it, damn it — but don’t think I wasn’t tempted to throw this list out the window in favor of other movies — like the aforementioned Rio Bravo, for instance, or possibly Westworld. Oh, Westworld. Why didn’t anyone TELL me there was a robot western out there?)

The western I actually will be reviewing today?

django

I had fun with Django. Up until the last twenty minutes, anyway.

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TV Rage: Person of Interest

Person of Interest is one of my favorite TV shows right now. It’s really raised the bar on just how good a network procedural can be. Unfortunately, it’s also seriously annoyed me with its most recent episode, and when I say annoyed, I mean pissed me right the hell off.

poi2

Yeah. This is Finch’s reaction to my WRATH.

Actually, other shows have annoyed me recently too — I mean, sweet Jesus, Walking Dead, what the boring, boring hell — but I’m going to focus on this one today. (Honestly, I’d planned to write quite a bit about Scandal as well, as both Scandal and Person of Interest have made extremely disappointing choices with their female characters of late, but I’d like to get to bed on the sooner side. Maybe next week, folks. I’m pretty sure my ire is going to continue.)

BIG TIME SPOILERS for Person of Interest’s “The Crossing.” If you have not seen it, please do not read.

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“Well Done. You’ve Just Decapitated Your Grandfather.”

I’ve been pretty much obsessed with The Avengers since I first saw it in 2012, so I knew I’d get around to seeing Thor: The Dark World at some point, despite the fact that Thor is easily my least favorite on the team, and also I just can’t seem to take “Dark Elves” seriously as antagonists for a superhero film. But when I started reading decent reviews for the movie — and found out that Marvel: Agents of SHIELD would have an episode featuring some kind of fallout from the film — I decided to bump up my timetable.

lightning

I enjoyed The Dark World. Really, I had a good time watching it, and I’ll expect I’ll buy it on DVD eventually . . . but I didn’t love it, either.

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“Once Upon a Time, in a Shitty Little Town . . .”

In Casa Verde — otherwise known as the St. George household — we only have a few rules.

1. Bring chocolate.
2. Mock as if there will be no tomorrow.
3. Watch any Jeremy Renner movie that has absolutely no chance of being nominated for an Academy Award.

Case in point?

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Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters is silly and campy and hugely dumb sometimes. But I must say, it’s still not nearly as bad as I was expecting.

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