Coming Soon-Ish: Machete, Good Vibrations, and Android Cop Shows

Don Jon

Previously titled Don Jon’s Addiction, this is Joseph Gordon-Levitt’s directorial debut, and if you haven’t been paying attention . . . I might be minorly obsessed with the actor. (Side note: the Little Red Squiggly Line of Doom is informing me that “minorly” is not a real word. Why isn’t minorly a word? Majorly is a word. Minor is the opposite of major — it makes sense that there would be an equal opposite for the -ly version of said adverb. This is dumb. I am now officially ignoring the Little Red Squiggly Line of Doom.)

Anyway, when I read the synopsis for this movie . . . guy obsessed with porn, has shallow life, meets Beautiful Girl, etc . . . well, I wasn’t very interested, even for Gordon-Levitt. But I’ll admit, this trailer surprised me into laughing a couple of times. I’m hoping that “ohmygod, my boyfriend watches porn” isn’t the serious conflict of the movie because, wow, that’s dumb, but I could potentially watch this as a rental for Gordon-Levitt and Scarlett Johansson. Well, and for “Good Vibrations.” Obviously.

Machete Kills

Oh, wow.

You know, Machete was okay, but it wasn’t quite as fun as I wanted it to be. I wasn’t real enthusiastic about a sequel, but . . . well, if you’re looking for ridiculous, it’s hard to top Charlie Sheen as President Carlos Estevez. The cast also includes Danny Trejo (obviously), Michelle Rodriguez, Sofia Vergara, Amber Heard, Jessica Alba, Mel Gibson, Antonio Banderas, William Sadler, Cuba Gooding Jr., and Lady Gaga.

Oh, who am I kidding. Even if it sucks, I’m totally going to see this.

Ain’t Them Bodies Saints

Well, I’m kind of jealous of the title. And the music is great. Cast, too, obviously. In fact, the whole look of this movie is kind of awesome. That being said . . . this isn’t exactly my cup of bourbon, if you know what I mean. It’s not so much that I hate depressing stories, more that inherent tragedies are somewhat less than appealing. And I was kind of shaking my head before we got to the love triangle part. Jesus. When a critic calls it a “grand, doomed love story,” and you’re using that quote to sell your story . . . sorry. Not even for you, Ben Foster.

Prisoners

Fair warning: this trailer seems to show a lot of the movie. Also, I love trailers that start like this: I just want to scrawl, “Oh, the good times before everything goes to hell,” right over the screen.

I’ve got to say, I’m not really sure this is my brand of bourbon, either, although the cast is pretty stellar, and hey, Roger Deakins is doing cinematography. (I didn’t even know who he was this time last year, but since looking up his body of work and discovering he’d never won an Oscar . . . I feel oddly offended on his behalf.)

Maybe I’ll rent it or something, when I feel like being depressed. And to see if Jake Gyllenhaal is actually the bad guy. I mean, come on. Detective LOKI? Please.

And Finally . . . Almost Human

This one isn’t actually a movie. It’s a television show starring Karl Urban, and I was interested before I saw the trailer cause, you know, KARL URBAN. (Also crime procedural set in the future, android partners, and JJ Abrams. But mostly Karl Urban.)

Now that I’ve seen the trailer . . . damn, I’m ready for fall already. This looks awesome. Please let this be awesome, and please don’t let it appear on my Queen of the Gone-Too-Soon list. I’m about as excited for this as I am for Agents of Shield, and that’s saying something, considering how obsessed I am with The Avengers.