Coming Soon-Ish: Fairy Tales, Walruses, and Fifty Shades of Grey

Into the Woods

Interesting. I do plan to see this, although I kind of wish I could watch the actual play before the movie comes out, as I’ve never seen it before, and I absolutely want to be one of the people who goes, “That’s not how it happens!” (Also, cause it looks awesome.) I literally only just found out that it’s been playing in SF all summer, but the likelihood of my getting to see it before it closes on September 6th is not high, fuck it all.)

This trailer doesn’t show you much, but it does give you fairy tales without machine guns or CGI werewolves. So, you know. Things are looking up, right? Admittedly, even I think it’s a little weird to have a trailer for a musical where no one sings, but they’re probably saving that for the next trailer. Like when everyone watched the first preview for The Giver and were like, “Uh, what’s with all this color bullshit?”

Fingers crossed, people. I want an awesome live-action fairy tale movie. Or even just a decent one, at this point.

Interstellar

I know as a good nerd, I’m supposed to be super excited about this movie, but . . . I’m kind of not. I mean, I’ll see it. I’ve seen pretty much all of Christopher Nolan’s films. (Except The Prestige and something I’ve never heard of called Following.) And it might be totally, completely awesome, but at this point, the trailer isn’t fully winning me over. I like my Dylan Thomas used pretty sparingly, you know? And I’m just not really feeling this story, at least not yet. The cinematography looks gorgeous, but that’s usually not enough to push my Holy Shit I Need To See That button.

Fifty Shades of Grey

The fact that this is coming out on Valentine’s Day is continuing to bring me all the giggles.

I have not read this book. My mother has read this book, but not me, to yet. Sometimes, I feel like I should, just so I know for myself what it’s like, but then I look at the stack of books I actually am interested in, and it seems unlikely that I’m ever going to get there. As for the trailer itself . . . I’ve got to say, this looks a lot better than I would’ve thought. Which, admittedly, is a far cry from, “I’ll be there with bells on for V-Day,” but still. I thought it would look a lot worse. Then again, I had a pretty huge crush on Jamie Dornan when he was in Once Upon a Time, so, you know. That helps. (Probably not enough, though. Maybe if he had his Irish on.)

I can’t pretend to know a lot about dom/sub culture that I didn’t pick up from Secretary and fanfiction, but I will say, I’m a little concerned that this girl’s all, ‘oh, I’m nobody, look at me, what a shy, timid flower I am’. I get that she’s the sexual submissive in the relationship, but it doesn’t seem to me like that should necessarily translate to deep insecurity in her everyday life. Or maybe the idea of watching a man dominate a weak-willed woman for two hours just sounds kind of horrifying to me.

If I do watch this movie, it will be in the privacy of my own home, where I can pause the film for extended temper tantrums and stuffed animal abuse if need be.

Houdini

I’ve never been much of a History Channel person (I failed to watch either Hatfields & McCoys OR The Bible), but I’ll admit, I’m intrigued by this particular trailer. Intrigued enough to actually watch Houdini? Haven’t decided yet. You know, I have a fair idea how it ends. But it looks pretty cool, and that’s worth something. Also, I was kind of feeling that song. Think I might need to look up this Jake Bugg fellow now.

Tusk

Um. I don’t even . . . yeah. Yeah, okay, this appears to be a Canadian horror comedy where Michael Parks tries to turn Justin Long and his ridiculously bad mustache into a walrus. Grown up Haley Joel Osment costars.

Really, I don’t even know what to say to that. Except that I’m probably going to have to see this movie because holy shit, somebody made this movie. And not just anybody — Kevin Fucking Smith. I’m just . . . blinking at my screen right now. Repeatedly, because maybe that will make what I’ve just witnessed make sense.

A Monday Morning Blasphemy With Kevin Smith . . .

Results are in. Your favorite Kevin Smith movie?

Dogma, Clerks, and Chasing Amy all actually tied for first place with a mighty four votes each. As Tie-Breaker, I easily took Chasing Amy out of the running. I’ve only seen it once, and honestly? I didn’t much care for it. I’m going to give it a second chance one of these days, and I might learn to appreciate it more, but I sincerely doubt that this movie will ever be my favorite.

Dogma and Clerks are my two favorite Kevin Smith movies, and I’ve always had difficulty choosing between the two of them . . . but at the end of the day, I had to go with the one that has Alan Rickman as the voice of God and Matt Damon shouting, “Don’t run! Don’t run!” as he gleefully kills people. I love the humor in Dogma. I also really enjoy a lot of the concepts. Chris Rock’s bit about ideas being better than beliefs was a big deal for me when I first watched the film.

So Clerks (which I also love because Randall is awesome and, also, the whole independent contractor on the Death Star debate) ties with Chasing Amy for second place, leaving Mallrats to take third. You know, I haven’t watched Mallrats in a really long time. I have to get that movie on DVD.

Total Loser Award goes to most of Smith’s later movies including Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back, Jersey Girl, Clerks II, and Red State all of which received no votes at all.

Now, as far as your LEAST favorite Kevin Smith film . . .

Cop Out tied with Red State as your least favorite movie, and as I’m forced to pick between them . . . yeah, I went with the movie I haven’t actually seen. Red State isn’t a perfect film, but I don’t think it’s a bad one, either. It’s flawed, but it’s flawed in an interesting sort of way, you know? So I picked Cop Out, which I heard almost unanimously horrible things about. (Although not entirely unanimously. Someone out there liked Cop Out because it got one vote for Favorite Kevin Smith Film.)

Zack and Miri Make a Porno and Chasing Amy tied for third Least Favorite Kevin Smith film. After hearing so much shit about it, I thought for sure Jersey Girl would be higher on the list, but it only got one vote. Like Shyamalan, people seem to overall prefer Smith’s earlier work to his later work, but there seems to be no exact consensus on which films specifically are best and worst. Each film got at least one nomination for Worst except for Clerks.

I guess we’ll have to just wait and see how Smith’s hockey movie goes.