Coming Soon-Ish: Blondes, Clowns, and Apocalypses (Including Ragnarok!)

Thor: Ragnarok

You’ve all seen this, of course. The whole teaser is fun, like, there’s so much going on: holy shit Mjolnir, and all the goddamn iconic hats and headpieces, and the teeny-tiny glimpses of Idris Elba and Karl Urban. Not to mention, I can’t decide who I’d rather cosplay: Cate Blanchett, Cate Blanchett, or Jeff Goldblum.

But it’s Thor’s absolutely perfect reaction to seeing Hulk in the ring that completely sold me on this movie. I figured I’d probably watch it in theaters, having seen the prior two Thor movies there . . . but I wasn’t particularly excited about it. Now I’m like, “Wait, HOW long do I have to wait for this movie? I NEED JOY IN MY LIFE.”

Atomic Blonde

Speaking of joy in my life.

This trailer looks immensely fun. Beating someone in the back of a car with a shoe really oughta be on my list of life goals. There are so many awesome looking fight scenes here, and Charlize Theron seems particularly badass. I’m all for her and James McAvoy having a comedic dynamic, but I’m really hoping it doesn’t actually take a romantic turn: she seems way too badass for him, and I’m much more interested in the Atomic Blonde/French Operative ship. (Please don’t actually die in that scene where it totally looks like you die, Sofia Boutella.)

I could definitely watch this one in theaters. It looks pretty great.

The Hitman’s Bodyguard

Warnings: Red-band trailer, mostly for a bunch of curse words that I’m absolutely sure you’ve never heard or spoken yourself before.

This is . . . interesting. It appears someone had the idea to pair Peak Samuel L. Jackson with Peak Ryan Reynolds and wrap them together with Whitney Houston’s “I Will Always Love You” from The Bodyguard. It’s . . . actually kinda spectacular, really, although I’m probably only so-so on the trailer itself. Some of the jokes made me laugh (particularly at “I hope they kill him; I really do” and “this guy single-handedly ruined the word ‘motherfucker'”), but I’m not entirely convinced that the joke won’t run out of steam in the first 20 minutes. Interested, but probably as a rental.


On first blush, it looks pretty decent. Hard to judge Pennywise, considering he doesn’t actually talk in this clip. I don’t mind them going a more traditionally scary clown route–like, you aren’t going to surpass Tim Curry, so don’t even try to imitate him–but Pennywise absolutely must have an actual personality, so it can’t all be dark makeup and super quick monster crawls in the sewers. Little Georgie’s pretty creepy, though.

One way or another, I’ll see this. It is my favorite Stephen King novel (except for, you know, THE SCENE) and I get endless joy out of how simultaneously both brilliant and atrocious the 1990 miniseries is. But I’m not quite pumped about this just yet. Mostly, I wanna compare the terrible adults from the miniseries to the adults in this remake . . . but sadly, I won’t get to for a while, since we’re saving them for the sequel, a decision I completely understand but am a little bit disappointed by regardless.

Finally . . . The Bad Batch

I have virtually no idea what the hell this is about, but it’s colorful and weird and I’m interested. (I still need to watch A Girl Walks Home Alone At Night. I’m so behind on all the must-see horror films.) I don’t think I know the actress playing the MC, but I do recognize Jason Momoa and Keanu Reeves and Giovanni Ribisi, and hey apparently Diego Luna’s in here somewhere, and–holy shit, that’s Jim Carrey?!

Meanwhile, IMDb is giving me this synopsis: “a dystopian love story in a Texas wasteland and set in a community of cannibals.”

Yeah. I can’t pretend I’m not curious.

The 2016 Movie Superlatives (Only Two Weeks Late!)

Let me be honest with you guys: 2016 was not my best year for movies.

On the upside, I finished my Disney Princess Movie Challenge! On the downside, well . . . 2016 was probably a record low for how many movies I watched and reviewed, and unfortunately, I didn’t exactly love a lot of the movies I did watch. I’ve also decided not to do a film challenge this year because I need a little more stress-free time dedicated to non-blog writing. (Although there were still be reviews, promise! In fact, I have two to work on after I finish this epically long bastard. I may try to make some of them a little shorter, though. It would save me some much needed time–although, clearly, brevity isn’t my strong suit.)

With all that being said, let’s get right to it, shall we? It is time for THE 2016 MOVIE SUPERLATIVES.

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“Time to Make The Chimi-Fucking-Changas.”

About a month and a half ago, I wrapped up my 2015 Movie Superlatives with one last award: Most Anticipated Movie of 2016. It wasn’t an easy call–there are a lot of big movies coming out this year–but ultimately I picked Deadpool because it just looked the most fun.

Last week, I went to the theater, desperately hoping I wouldn’t be wrong.


Spoilers: I wasn’t.

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Coming Soon-Ish: Deadpool, the Suicide Squad, and the Immortal Vin Diesel


Warning: This is the red-band trailer. Definitely NSFW.

Dude. This looks AWESOME.

I wasn’t real familiar with Deadpool when X-Men: Origins came out, so while any number of things about that movie enraged me (adamantium bullets, for instance), I didn’t have any particular nerd fury for the bullshit that happened to Deadpool himself. Of course since then I’ve learned a bit more about the Merc with the Mouth, and I’ve been excited to see Ryan Reynolds in a real Deadpool movie for years.

And this? This looks pretty on point. Foul language, mindless violence. Extra snarky breaking of the fourth wall. “You look like Freddy Kreuger fucked a topographical map of Utah” is now one of my favorite lines of all time.

Captain America: Civil War? You officially have competition for Most Anticipated Movie of 2016.

Suicide Squad

Okay, this trailer came out forever ago, but it’s been a while since I posted one of these things and I don’t think I ever covered it. So. Basic impressions?

A. The music’s awesome.

B. I’m definitely feeling Harley Quinn in this.

C. I’m not really feeling Amanda Waller yet, and I’m not entirely sure why. I swear, it’s not just because Viola Davis isn’t CCH Pounder. Probably. I know Davis is a hell of an actress, and she totally might grow on me. Still kind of wish she’d put on some weight for the role, though.

D. The bad guy in the Batman mask cracked me up.

E. I don’t know if I’m quite as excited as other people are (or were, when the trailer was actually fresh), but I’m sure I’ll see it in theater.

F. The Joker’s working for me so far. I kind of want to steal some purple gloves from the hospital and Five Minute Cosplay this shit. (Er. But with a shirt on. There will be no Topless Five Minute Cosplays around here.)

The Last Witchhunter

Okay, this is some goofy shit. Obviously, I’ll have to see it.

Riddick is an immortal witch hunter. Frodo is a sidekick priest. Ygritte is a dreamwalker, and Michael Caine . . . well, he’s Michael Caine, so, mentor. (Secretly villain mentor? Or just soon-to-be dead mentor? It’s hard to tell, this early in the game.) Also, while I didn’t notice her in the trailer, Bex Taylor-Klaus is apparently somewhere in this, so yeah. I want to see it.

Be the glorious cheese you appear to be, The Last Witchhunter. Be ridiculous as all get out.


If I’m being honest, this trailer doesn’t do much for me. Not that it’s bad, just . . . you know. I watched it, I shrugged, I moved on. I’m only a so-so James Bond fan to begin with, though, so I suppose that isn’t so surprising. Still, I’ll probably see it, unless it gets some pretty spectacularly negative reviews. I did like Skyfall pretty well, although I didn’t think it was perfect by any means.

I will say this, though: at some point in my life, I’d really love to ominously tell someone, “It was me, James. The author of all your pain.” That’s some badass shit, right there. I should sneak up behind my co-workers and whisper that. Oooh, no, I should whisper it to patients! That’s definitely the kind of behavior that won’t get me fired.

And finally . . . The Martian

The actual trailer for this movie came out about a month ago, but I’ve been really enjoying watching these little video introductions to the characters. In this one, a psychologist interviews the crew after they’ve each spent ten days in isolation. Having read the book, I feel qualified to say that both the tone and the characters seem spot-on, particularly Mark Watney and Commander Lewis.

I’m actually really looking forward to this movie. There’s a lot I enjoyed about reading The Martian, but I also had a number of hang-ups with the prose and, well, let’s just call them punctuation idiosyncrasies. These aren’t likely to be problems in a film adaptation, though, so I’m very curious to see if I might enjoy the movie more than the book. This has happened before, but only when I’ve watched the movie first. I’ve never read a book, then seen the movie, and thought, You know what? The movie was better.

Will this be the movie to break that trend? Guess we’ll find out in October.

Coming Soon-Ish: Holmes, Earthquakes, and Body-Switching

I was going to try to have a review up today, but I just couldn’t manage it in time. So you get trailers you’ve probably already seen instead. C’est la vie. Happy Friday the 13th!


Well, I watched the teaser months ago. Now that I’ve seen a full-length trailer . . . look, I really don’t want to be interested in a movie that’s based on a land from Disneyland, but I can’t help myself. It looks fun. Family-friendly fun, sure, but I really like some of the visuals in this trailer. I’m interested in seeing more live-action films by Brad Bird, and it’s got a pretty spectacular cast. (I swear, I don’t just mind Hugh Laurie. He’s a big part of it, though. You gotta like Hugh Laurie.)

I doubt I’ll see this in theater or anything, but I could rent it at some point.

Mr. Holmes

This is just a teaser, so there’s not much in the way of actual plot revealed in this one. But the gist seems to be that super old Sherlock Holmes, as played by Ian McKellan, will have to solve one last mystery, which will probably be hard because he’s, as aforementioned, super old and having memory problems. I will say that it looks considerably less depressing than I expected when I first heard about the project months ago, but that’s probably because of all the sweeping inspirational music. Hard to say what the tone of the actual film will be, although if Holmes doesn’t bite it at the end, I will honestly be surprised.


Ben Kingsley is rich. Ben Kingsley is dying. Ben Kingsley transports himself into Ryan Reynolds’s body, and there are side effects. Because that’s apparently something that immortality comes, as Matthew Goode so casually remarks, like that’s not something important that should be mentioned on a brochure or something.

Honestly, my interest in this is pretty middling, but Matthew Goode seems appropriately sinister, and I always want Ryan Reynolds’s movies to do well. His career path is insane. He keeps picking these projects that just bomb, but you can usually see how the movies could have gone well.

In the meantime, this will have to hold us all over until Deadpool.

And finally . . . San Andreas

Oh. My. GOD. The cheese. The CHEESE in this thing.

So, this movie is apparently about the entire destruction of my home state, and I just can’t stop giggling at it. It looks so bad. In fact, I was really surprised when I looked it up and saw that Roland Emmerich didn’t direct it. Seriously, I thought this had his 2012 fingerprints all over it.

And the science, man. The science in this thing looks like it’s going to be impressively terrible, and I’m saying that as someone who only barely remembers her geology course that she took around ten years ago. Is this what people from non-earthquake regions think happens in California? Or that it’s a likely possibility? I’m not trying to say earthquakes can’t be devastating because of course they can, but . . . holy shit, what is this? Besides hysterical, I mean.