“The Dreams of Youth Are The Regrets of Maturity.”

Without a movie challenge this year, I came to a startling realization a few weeks ago: I could rent whatever the hell I wanted from Netflix. There were no self-imposed deadlines I had to meet, no movies I absolutely HAD to watch. This, of course, left me wondering exactly what I wanted to watch, and I decided I was in the mood for something light, ridiculous, perhaps something that was funny even though it wasn’t actually supposed to be.

This is how I ended up watching Legend, a movie where Child of the Forest Tom Cruise wears armor without pants and has a telepathic conversation with a unicorn.

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“Pocahontas, That Tree Is Talking To Me.”

ETA: Trying to get back to business as usual, at least for the moment, though fair warning: there may be more political talk in the future. There may also not be; I don’t have any specific plans right now. But just so you know, the majority of this review, save some minor edits, was written before nearly half of America decided to vote for an unrepentant and unqualified bigot, so. Nothing here past this paragraph is election and/or protest related.

Okay. For a variety of reasons, my Disney Princess Movie Challenge had to be put on hold for several months, which leaves me with just under two months now to watch six movies and review them. This does not sound difficult until you understand that I am not a fast writer, and anytime I spend here writing for fun is, very unfortunately, time I’m not spending writing for money, and look people, I like money. I’m not even going to lie about that. Even if my rent hadn’t just doubled, which is sort of a consideration, I also like it when I have the opportunity to spend cash for things; I have, like, zero qualms about my materialism.

Regardless, I really would like to finish this particular challenge after failing so abysmally last year on Best Picture Winners, so I’m going to give it a shot. When we last left off, Mekaela and I had just watched Aladdin for the first time in about 20 years. Now?

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Now I watch Pocahontas for the very first time. God help me.

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“We’re Bad Guys. It’s What We Do.”

So, Suicide Squad was out for about a week before I had the opportunity to see it, and the reviews in that week were . . . not kind. I’d heard from a few people directly who enjoyed the movie, but overall it was sounding like yet another DC live action fail.

The thing is I’m, like, contrary and opinionated and shit, so despite the poor press, I had to make my way to the theater to try it out myself.

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Ultimately, it’s a bit of a hot mess. More than a bit, honestly; I want to edit the holy shit out of this movie. On the upside, it’s way more enjoyable than Man of Steel or BvS!

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“Mr. Cop, Can You Put Away Your Gun? Cause You’re Making Everybody Nervous.”

Valentine’s Day has come and gone. You know what this means.

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So-Bad-It’s . . . no, it’s really just bad horror.

Your entry for this year’s Bloody Hearts is a spectacularly terrible film called House of Nine, a movie that’s so smalltime it doesn’t even have a proper Tomato Meter on Rotten Tomatoes. Although audiences, at least, apparently blessed it with a 36% approval rating, which, while not a good score, is probably about 35% higher than it should be. I would like to know who these people are and have a serious conversation with all of them.

Considering that seems unlikely, I guess I’ll just settle for some wordy analysis and snark.

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“Wow, You’re a Winner, Ain’t Ya?”

Halloween is my favorite holiday of the year. You get to dress up in fun costumes, have an excuse to eat junk food that you were going to eat anyway, and watch a bunch of scary movies. Also, it’s not a traditionally Family Gathering kind of holiday, so it comes with a lot less drama than, say, Thanskgiving or Christmas.

Also, in my house, Halloween is a time to savor truly terrible horror movies.

We will begin Splatterfest 2014 with our first film: Nine Dead.

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“A Half-Finished Book, After All, is a Half-Finished Love Affair.”

I never had much interest in watching Cloud Atlas. I didn’t read the book, and while the trailer looked somewhat intriguing, everything I heard about the story itself kind of made the movie sound like a convoluted nightmare. And if it had been a convoluted nightmare starring Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Tatiana Maslany, I’m sure I wouldn’t have hesitated, but Tom Hanks and Halle Berry aren’t particularly big draws for me, and what little interest I did have quickly dwindled after the film left theaters.

But recently my sister struggled through Cloud Atlas (the book) and wanted to watch the movie to compare. And I had just finished struggling through Rebecca (the book) and wanted to watch that movie to compare.

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A compromise was arranged and a review was born. (A review for Rebecca may come next week.)

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Coming Soon-Ish: Moses, Amnesiacs, and Dracula Origin Stories

Exodus: Gods and Kings

Well, this looks pretty bad all around. Like, okay, there are a couple of good visuals in here, and sure, the cast is pretty solid. Of course, the cast also appears to be rather overwhelmingly white, which seems like a rather spectacularly bad call on Scott’s part. (Joel Edgerton and his terrible makeup also seem like a particularly egregious choice.) Then there’s the whole subtitle issue — because while ‘Gods and Kings’ certainly isn’t the worst thing I’ve ever heard, the ‘title-colon-subtitle’ format is almost always reserved for sequels, which I really don’t believe this is. And finally there’s the music, which, well. I don’t dislike the song so much as it sounds like something a shipper might use to set their Elena/Damon fan video to.

If Exodus: Gods and Kings doesn’t turn out to be a cheesefest parading around as a Serious Picture, I will honestly be surprised.

The Skeleton Twins

Despite the fact that there is nary a beauty pageant in sight, my immediate reaction to the first thirty seconds of this trailer was, “So . . . it’s Little Miss Sunshine? With Kristen Wig and Bill Hader instead of Toni Collette and Steve Carrell?” But, you know. I LIKE Little Miss Sunshine. In general, I’m a sucker for dysfunctional family stories, and I’m especially a sucker for anything about siblings that seems to move a little deeper than ‘we’re opposites and we hate each other.’ And this actually looks pretty funny, so I might give it a try sometime. (Probably by myself, unfortunately, since my own sister is not as enthusiastic as I am about fictional dysfunctional families. I’m sure that says something relevant about our relationship, but it’s currently one in the morning — at least as I type this — and I can’t be bothered to analyze too deeply.)

Foxcatcher

There are the movies you watch, even though you’re iffy on the genre or plot, just because you like the main cast so well. And then there are the movies that you just can’t make yourself see, no matter how much you like the three principle guys in it. After this sixty second teaser, I’m pretty sure Foxcatcher is going to fall in the latter category for me. Sorry, Channing Tatum, Mark Ruffalo, and Steve Carrell — there is no amount of hilariously ridiculous wigs or obvious makeup in the world to make Disturbing Wrestler Movie my kind of thing.

Before I Go to Sleep

Look, it’s another one! Another Good Cast vs Meh Plot dilemma. Well, okay. I guess I’m more likely to see this than Foxcatcher, if only because Twisty Mystery is more my thing than Creepy True Sports Story. But even considering my adoration for both Colin Firth and Mark Strong, I’m not feeling real jazzed about this one. Mostly because, well. I’ve already seen Memento, which is kind of the King of Retrograde Amnesia Mysteries. This would have to be really special to top that, and I’ve got to tell you, I don’t think this is going to be nearly that special.

Also, I’m waiting to see an amnesia storyline that isn’t a twisty mystery. About the only thing I can think of is 50 First Dates, which was actually a lot better than I thought it was going to be, although it’s also pretty highly — and unintentionally — disturbing. (Can you even imagine? You wake up, and holy God, you’re suddenly going into labor with babies you don’t even remember conceiving? I mean, Jesus.)

And finally . . . Dracula Untold

First, let it be said that Lorde’s cover of “Everybody Wants to Rule the World” is one of my favorite covers of all time, and it is so much better than this trailer. It’s not even funny, how unworthy this movie is of that song. Second, let it be said that this looks hilariously bad, and I might have to watch it purely to mock the holy hell out of it. Oh. My. God. And here I thought Judas-as-Dracula was the funniest vampire origin story I was ever going to get. I can’t believe they made a whole movie about the sympathetic origins of Warrior Dracula.

Oh, Charles Dance. I totally get why Luke Evans is starring in this, but seriously, man. What are you doing here?