Coming Soon-Ish: The Snowman (AKA, The Only Movie You Ever Need to See)

First, some backstory.

Last night, my friend, my sister, and I all went to the movies. We were there to see Atomic Blonde, which I’ll probably review next week; however, the true highlight of the night ended up being this trailer for The Snowman, a movie I’d never heard of before and now will never forget.

So, we begin with a woman walking by herself when, suddenly, a snowball hits her. She looks around, confused. Abruptly, we cut away to scary music and Michael Fassbender very seriously narrating about a murdered woman. Now, maybe I was already feeling a bit snarky because my friend and I both basically had the same reaction to that particular cut: what, was she killed with a snowball? Are we calling him the Snowball Killer or what? But I’m a sucker for murder mysteries and serial killer thrillers and Michael Fassbender’s manly jawline–well, I used to be, anyway but he’s so rarely in anything I’m interested in these days–so I shake off the silly start and prepare to give the trailer a fair shake . . .

And then Michael Fassbender, still in Serious Narration Mode, says, “He calls himself the Snowman Killer,” and oh my God, I totally lost it.

People. I was crying, I laughed so hard, and every time I tried to get my giggles under control, they’d have another ominous shot of a fucking snowman. (I’m not joking. There are at least three such Ominous Shots.) The worst, by far, is when the trailer cuts away from Intense Michael Fassbender saying, “He’s been watching us the whole time” to a snowman, situated just outside some window, seemingly stalking his prey. Mind you, I’m reasonably sure that this movie is a) not a comedy, and b) not centered around an actual snowman killer, but whoever cut this trailer did it so bizarrely that I’m actually not 100% certain. Which is a weird thing to say about a thriller starring people like Michael Fassbender, Rebecca Ferguson, J.K. Simmons, James D’arcy, Jamie Clayton, Toby Jones, Chloe Sevigny, and–according to IMDb–Val Kilmer. (Is it wrong to just automatically assume Kilmer’s the bad guy? Or maybe he’s the weird dude living in a cabin in the middle of the wilderness who Knows Something Important and later gets killed for it?) My point is, these are primarily well-respected actors, like, Oscar-respected. What the hell are they doing in Frosty’s Revenge?

It should also be noted that, when not focusing on ominous snowmen (new band name), this trailer works hard to look as generic as possible, like, here we’ve got The Lead Female sexily undressing as bait, and oh look, our masculine hero is out in the middle of nowhere, angrily yelling at a villain who, presumably, isn’t actually there. (I also inappropriately giggled through the bit where Michael Fassbender screams in anguish as he tries to break into a burning building. It’s just so overwrought.) I’ll admit, however, that most of this went unnoticed the first time I watched this trailer, since I was too busy wiping the tears from my eyes and, you know, trying to breathe.

Finally? Our masculine hero’s name, apparently, is Harry Hole. I mean, come on. How am I supposed to take that seriously? (To be fair, perhaps “Hole” is pronounced differently, as I see this is set in Norway, or at least the book it’s based on is. Still. I’m saying the name “Harry Hole” is not helping me subdue any of my juvenile giggles.)

Coming Soon-Ish: Okja, Star Trek, Superheroes, And Lady Wrestlers

Star Trek: Discovery

I’m gonna watch this cause, like, Star Trek, but I’m only so-so on the trailer and it’s probably gonna need to hook me fast. Cause this CBS All Access crap? Bullshit.

Initial random thoughts:

A. Great to watch awesome ladies Sonequa Martin-Green and Michelle Yeoh share the screen.

B. Wish I had some measure of assurance that Michelle Yeoh is going to make it past the first episode, considering her ship isn’t the titular Discovery and it looks like something bad is about to go down. (IMDb has her listed for 13 episodes, but . . . IDK. I still worry. If she makes it past the pilot, then I guess I can graduate to concern about her surviving the first season . . . assuming the show does well enough to have a second season, which I think is a big if at this point.)

C. I’m totally cool with James Frain as Sarek.

D. I’m interested in our MC’s backstory. Is she a human raised on Vulcan? She seems to have rounded ears, so I’m assuming she isn’t half-human and half-Vulcan, although introducing more genetic diversity into the universe wouldn’t be the worst idea ever.

E. Still kind of bummed this is a TOS prequel.

F. Still deeply not okay with how we’ve changed the Klingons AGAIN. How do they keep looking worse? (TNG Klingons for life!)

G. Happy to see Doug Jones appears, as always, to be playing the weirdest and most ominous character in the show. Love you, Doug Jones.

The Orville

Can’t discuss Star Trek without discussing our new Star Trek spoof, The Orville.

I could give this a try. I’m not sold on this being the next Galaxy Quest or anything, but parts of it did make me laugh. Like the crew listening in on the captain and his ex-wife XO (Bobbie!) arguing, and acknowledging, oh, this is gonna be a fun trip. That whole part was great. Also, the anti-banana ray bit. Other jokes fall pretty flat for me, though, so my interest is there . . . but mild.

Okja

I’ve been interested in this one for months, so I’m excited to finally see a full-length trailer for it. The story presented thus far is only so-so for me, but I like the look of the trailer, I’m interested in seeing more of Bong Joon-ho’s work (I swear, I SWEAR, I will finally watch The Host this year), and oh my God, the cast is amazing: Tilda Swinton, Steven Yeun, Paul Dano, Giancarlo Esposito, Jake Gyllenhaal, Shirley Henderson, Devon Bostick, and Choi Woo-sik, who I just watched in Train to Busan. (Although, not gonna lie: I’d probably just watch this for Steven Yeun alone.)

GLOW

OOOH. This looks FUN.

Like Okja, I’ve been interested in this one for months, ever since looking up what Betty Gilpin was up to and finding out she, Alison Brie, and Ellen Wong were all going to be in a show together, like, YES, these are all ladies I’ve hoped to see more from. (Maybe especially Wong, who sadly doesn’t really feature in this trailer, but who I adored in Scott Pilgrim and haven’t seen much of since, with the exception of her guest-starring in Dark Matter.)

But it’s not just the cast. This show looks funny and feminist as hell. I love the bit about the man’s part versus the woman’s part (it’s funny because it’s true). Also: the alpha/omega/submit joke, the blood/tits/storytelling joke, and the ‘you mean stereotype’/’exactly!’ joke. Plus, just some of the ridiculous costumes: sexy lady astronaut, anyone?

This is the extremely rare non-speculative and/or non-mystery show that I’m actually geared up for. I definitely plan to check this one out.

Dark Matter

Speaking of Dark Matter.

I was pretty lukewarm on this show during the first season (although it did pick up towards the end), but I really enjoyed the hell out of second season, and now that we’re back for a third? Baby, I’m there. This trailer doesn’t tell you too much, other than Ryo has become our new villain. Curious to see if he’ll stay that way; he did betray the team, although not quite to the extent that they believe. Doubt Ellen Wong is going to make it, but happy to see that she’s coming back too.

Looks like I’ll be marathoning this on Netflix to remind myself of everything that happened. And to watch every Android scene possible cause let’s be real: we’re ALL here for the Android, right? She’s the best.

The Gifted

I’m . . . sort of interested in this? Like, I kinda like that it centers on a family, specifically a brother and sister. Mom is the most interesting, of course, because she’s played by Amy Acker. Bill from True Blood is fine, too. But there’s nothing about it that’s exactly drawing me in, either. Perhaps even I’m getting a bit worn out on new superhero shows, or at least ones that aren’t doing anything fantastically different. This is kinda different, but . . . I don’t know. I might try it, but if I do, it’ll probably be mostly for Amy Acker.

Black Lightning

Speaking of superhero shows.

I’m actually a little more interested in this one, despite the very CW voiceover that I’m hoping will go away after the pilot. CW superhero shows generally skew young, so having a middle-aged family man and high school principal as a superhero is kind of a bold move for them. Also nice to see what looks to be almost entirely a black cast. I am disappointed, though, to hear that Black Lightning won’t be a part of the CW superhero multiverse, like, that just feels like a missed opportunity to me.

I’m not sold, but I’m sure I’ll check this one out for at least a few episodes.

The Crossing

Meh. I might try this. The shot of all the bodies in the water is great, like, that’s just a fantastically haunting, creepy image. And this could be an interesting way to tell a story about refugees and the serious problems with our established immigration system . . . but for some reason, my hopes aren’t high. Obviously, I like me a good speculative element, but the whole ‘time travel into the past to escape the war that’s coming’ thing isn’t quite working for me, maybe because it seems like a pretty short-sighted plan for time travelers, or maybe just because as much as I like trying them, most time travel stories don’t end up working for me.

If I hear good things, I might give this a whirl, but as is, I’m not that interested.

The Good Doctor

Although. I would watch The Crossing 24 billion times over before I watched this show. No. So much no.

This is one of those shows that looks like it’s going for inspirational (admittedly, not really my bag) and is landing somewhere around offensive instead. And let me be clear: I am absolutely not an expert on autism, and I welcome the comments of anyone who knows more on the subject than me, but . . . we seem to have problems here. Briefly putting aside that this is yet another show about A Super Special Dude With Poor Social Skills Who Sees Things No One Else Sees, and even putting aside that this show appears to be portraying autism in the Standard Hollywood Way (savant, speaks in a stilted, almost robotic manner, etc.) . . .  what I mostly take from this trailer is that people on the autism spectrum aren’t capable of being surgeons, and the only reason that this guy can is because he’s a savant, like, no one else on the spectrum could possibly do it. Which, like, no. Pretty sure that’s not the case.

To be clear, a show about the difficulties that people on the autism spectrum face, specifically in regards to workplace discrimination, would be totally fine. I think that maybe that’s what this show is trying to be, but based on the trailer, I don’t think that’s what it is. There are a lot of solid actors in this–Freddie Highmore, Richard Schiff, Antonia Thomas, Nicholas Gonzalez, Tamlyn Tomita–but not one of them would make me give this a shot. No, Richard Schiff, not even you.

American Assassin

Man. I want to be interested in a movie where Dylan O’Brien is playing both a grown-up and a badass, but . . . oh God, not this.

Generic ass title? Check. Refrigerated girlfriend? Check. Angst beard? Double check. Islamophobia? Probably. I’m torn on Michael Keaton’s character: he could be a mentor that dies, but I’m kind of getting a diabolic double agent twist or something from him? I don’t know, maybe not. I’m pretty sure I’m not going to watch this movie to find out, either. I’ll just be here, re-watching the episodes of Teen Wolf that make me happy, like, mostly ones prior to 6A. Sigh.

Finally . . . Blade Runner 2049

I kind of need to watch the original Blade Runner again. It’s been years since I’ve seen it, and I feel like I missed half of what was going on anyway, since I had to keep the volume real low (I was trying not to wake somebody up).

The look of this sequel is pretty great: dark, gorgeous, uber cinematic. But because I don’t have much feeling about the original film one way or another, my interest in this is only mild. At this point, I figure I’ll probably watch it eventually, but I doubt I’ll see it in theater unless somebody I know really wants to go.

Coming Soon-Ish: Blondes, Clowns, and Apocalypses (Including Ragnarok!)

Thor: Ragnarok

You’ve all seen this, of course. The whole teaser is fun, like, there’s so much going on: holy shit Mjolnir, and all the goddamn iconic hats and headpieces, and the teeny-tiny glimpses of Idris Elba and Karl Urban. Not to mention, I can’t decide who I’d rather cosplay: Cate Blanchett, Cate Blanchett, or Jeff Goldblum.

But it’s Thor’s absolutely perfect reaction to seeing Hulk in the ring that completely sold me on this movie. I figured I’d probably watch it in theaters, having seen the prior two Thor movies there . . . but I wasn’t particularly excited about it. Now I’m like, “Wait, HOW long do I have to wait for this movie? I NEED JOY IN MY LIFE.”

Atomic Blonde

Speaking of joy in my life.

This trailer looks immensely fun. Beating someone in the back of a car with a shoe really oughta be on my list of life goals. There are so many awesome looking fight scenes here, and Charlize Theron seems particularly badass. I’m all for her and James McAvoy having a comedic dynamic, but I’m really hoping it doesn’t actually take a romantic turn: she seems way too badass for him, and I’m much more interested in the Atomic Blonde/French Operative ship. (Please don’t actually die in that scene where it totally looks like you die, Sofia Boutella.)

I could definitely watch this one in theaters. It looks pretty great.

The Hitman’s Bodyguard

Warnings: Red-band trailer, mostly for a bunch of curse words that I’m absolutely sure you’ve never heard or spoken yourself before.

This is . . . interesting. It appears someone had the idea to pair Peak Samuel L. Jackson with Peak Ryan Reynolds and wrap them together with Whitney Houston’s “I Will Always Love You” from The Bodyguard. It’s . . . actually kinda spectacular, really, although I’m probably only so-so on the trailer itself. Some of the jokes made me laugh (particularly at “I hope they kill him; I really do” and “this guy single-handedly ruined the word ‘motherfucker'”), but I’m not entirely convinced that the joke won’t run out of steam in the first 20 minutes. Interested, but probably as a rental.

IT

On first blush, it looks pretty decent. Hard to judge Pennywise, considering he doesn’t actually talk in this clip. I don’t mind them going a more traditionally scary clown route–like, you aren’t going to surpass Tim Curry, so don’t even try to imitate him–but Pennywise absolutely must have an actual personality, so it can’t all be dark makeup and super quick monster crawls in the sewers. Little Georgie’s pretty creepy, though.

One way or another, I’ll see this. It is my favorite Stephen King novel (except for, you know, THE SCENE) and I get endless joy out of how simultaneously both brilliant and atrocious the 1990 miniseries is. But I’m not quite pumped about this just yet. Mostly, I wanna compare the terrible adults from the miniseries to the adults in this remake . . . but sadly, I won’t get to for a while, since we’re saving them for the sequel, a decision I completely understand but am a little bit disappointed by regardless.

Finally . . . The Bad Batch

I have virtually no idea what the hell this is about, but it’s colorful and weird and I’m interested. (I still need to watch A Girl Walks Home Alone At Night. I’m so behind on all the must-see horror films.) I don’t think I know the actress playing the MC, but I do recognize Jason Momoa and Keanu Reeves and Giovanni Ribisi, and hey apparently Diego Luna’s in here somewhere, and–holy shit, that’s Jim Carrey?!

Meanwhile, IMDb is giving me this synopsis: “a dystopian love story in a Texas wasteland and set in a community of cannibals.”

Yeah. I can’t pretend I’m not curious.

MEGA Coming Soon-Ish: Not-So-Live From Comic Con

It’s been years since I’ve gone to Comic Con. I’m always deeply envious when it’s going on, but luckily, the internet provides some of the shiny without me having to get up at the crack of dawn for a 5:00pm panel in Hall H.

Here are a bunch of trailers that came from San Diego’s massive annual nerd convention.

Justice League

I did not like Man of Steel. I did not like Batman v Superman. But God help me, Justice League actually looks pretty fun so far.

I mean, I’m not totally getting my hopes up. It’s super early days and, to my eternal disappointment, Zack Snyder is still at the helm. There is still the serious likelihood that this will be another stupidly angsty, convoluted mess.

But I actually liked Ben Affleck as Batman in BvS, and I really enjoy his chemistry with Gal Gadot. Ezra Miller is working for me, so long as they don’t push that whole awkward nerd thing too far into the ground. And Aquaman, naturally, looks all handsome and manly. Disappointingly, we don’t see much of Cyborg, but overall it’s not a terrible first look. If the movie can create interesting team dynamics and remember to actually be entertaining (and, you know, make sense), I could be into it.

Wonder Woman

And speaking of promising . . .

I have a lot more hope for Wonder Woman, although I have to say that if I don’t like it . . . I might not be going to see Justice League after all, cause, like, I’ve already given this franchise two chances and been pretty disappointed with both films. Fourth times the charm kind of isn’t a thing.

This trailer is decent. I don’t know if I’m totally wowed by it, but I am interested. I definitely liked that moment where Wonder Woman’s all, “What I do is not up to you.” YES. More of this, please. In fact, all of this.

I admit, I’m curious to how they’ll treat love interest Chris Pine: will he primarily function as a typical love interest, or will he get to do more just because he’s a guy? The latter would kind of annoy me, but so long as Wonder Woman’s motivation doesn’t solely revolve around him (and the movie doesn’t solely focus on leg shots), I could be into this. I desperately want it to be good, anyway, considering if it’s not, plenty of people won’t just consider it a bad superhero film. Rather, people will use it as “proof” that female-led superhero movies are terrible and don’t attract audiences. But we’ll have to wait a while to see how that turns out.

Doctor Strange

It’s interesting. I have the same casting problems that everyone has already mentioned, but . . . hot damn, are the visuals in this stunning.

I’m sure I’ll see this movie. It has a great cast, and it looks both beautiful and weird. Marvel meets Inception, you know? But as much as I love Benedict Cumberbatch and Tilda Swinton . . . I wish they weren’t in this particular story.

The LEGO Batman Movie

I’m still worried that this is going to be a one-joke story that can’t fill up a whole movie, but this latest trailer does make me smile. LIFE DOESN’T GIVE YOU SEAT BELTS. Although poor Robin. Someday, Robin will get to be cool on screen. You know, when Michael Cera isn’t the one voicing him.

Luke Cage

I don’t think I have anything to say to this but DAMN.

I’m into it. I’m definitely into it.

Legion

Er . . .

I honestly don’t really know what to make of that. I know I watch basically every superhero show on television, but TBH, I didn’t really have any plans to watch Legion. A show about Professor X’s abandoned son who thinks he’s schizophrenic? Eh, no. Not my thing. Still, I figured I’d check out the trailer at least, and now that I have, I feel like I should at least check out the pilot. I like the cinematography, anyway, and it certainly looks . . . interesting . . . although I do find Dan Stevens’s American accent a bit grating.

So, yeah, I’ll probably try it. It could be entertaining, but if the whole show is about Am I Crazy/Am I Not? Yeah, I’ll probably fall out of it pretty fast.

The Flash (Season 3)

So, now we know what Barry did to the timeline.

Is it wrong that I’m still hoping this is all resolved in two episodes max? This could be temporarily fun, but please, please say we aren’t stuck in Flashpoint all season long. RESURRECT THE HARRY AND CISCO SHOW. Cause, yeah, this isn’t fully doing it for me.

Arrow (Season 5)

Eh. I’m always hot and cold on Arrow, often within the same episode, but this trailer is leaving me pretty much just cold.

I’m not particularly interested in New Team Arrow. Curtis, yes. Curtis can always stay. But that other dude seems annoying, and the girl . . . well, let’s just say that Artemis was my absolute favorite in Young Justice (well, her and Robin, anyway), so I’m far more likely to be critical of her. If they screw up Artemis, I’m going to be deeply  unhappy, and if I’m being honest, I fully expect them to screw up Artemis. (Her background, for instance, is already completely wrong.) Not to mention, I’m not really looking forward to multiple scenes of Oliver screwing up as a superhero mentor and everyone threatening to leave him and blah blah blah. (I just assume.)

I’m still planning to watch, just . . . I don’t know how many more seasons of Arrow I have in me.

Kong: Skull Island

All right, I think we’ve finally gotten past the superhero stuff.

I’ve gotta admit: with a roster like Brie Larson, Tom Hiddleston, Samuel L. Jackson, and John Goodman, this certainly has the cast to beat. And I like the general look of the movie. Still, my interest is middling at the moment: a rental, probably, rather than a theater visit. The last Kong movie didn’t do a whole lot for me, and I worry about the predictability factor: right now I’m predicting Goodman dead, Samuel L dead, a bunch of extras/minor characters dead, and Brie Larson, Tom Hiddleston, and their probable UST alone surviving to tell the tale.

This could be totally wrong, of course–in fact, I hope it is–but if not, I’m already yawning.

Fantastic Beasts and Where To Find Them

So far, I haven’t been able to muster up much interest in this, despite how much I enjoyed both the Harry Potter books and movies. This trailer, though, is the first thing I’ve seen that makes me think, Okay, maybe I could check this out. On one hand . . . I kind of feel done with the HP universe, like, I love it, I’ll revisit it, I desperately want to go to Universal Studios and visit Diagon Alley–but I also don’t feel a lot of need to see prequels, sequels, side stories, etc. On the other hand, magic in this particular time period is always kind of fun, and I could enjoy this.

Although. I must say that while No-Maj didn’t bother me so much when I first read it . . . it’s kind of jarring to hear it out loud. It just really does not sound like American slang to me at all, and I hope that’s not a consistent problem throughout the film.

King Arthur: Legend of the Sword

Well, this looks about as ridiculous as you’d expect a Guy Ritchie version of King Arthur to be.

I have no real plans to see this anytime soon, but I’ve got to admit: the trailer with its anachronistic music, super fast action, and 110% Guy Ritchie-ness did make me smile. Of course, I’m not a purist: Arthurian mythology, on the whole, has never done much for me, so I totally don’t care that Guy Ritchie’s probably going to mess it all up. And the cast is sort of fun: along with Charlie Hunnam, Djimon Hounsou, and Evil Jude Law, we also have Littlefinger, Roose Bolton, and Morgana . . . although, sadly, I don’t think Katie McGrath is playing Morgana here. Still, the actual story itself makes me just kinda shrug. I doubt I’ll pay theater prices for the experience.

American Gods

Well, shit. It’d be really helpful if I had Starz, huh?

It’s been quite some time since I re-read it (I’m trying to decide if I want to do it again before the show or not), but I picked up American Gods when I was, oh, 18? And I adored it. I’m so excited to see it come to life as a TV show. This is a pretty promising first look, and I’m very hopeful. I mean, the cast alone . . . damn. There are a ton of great people in it, but I’m just dying over these pictures of Gillian Anderson as Media. SUCH a lady crush right now.

I desperately want this show to be as awesome as it sounds. Please be awesome, show. Please be awesome like I know you can be.

Teen Wolf (Season 6)

Well, my friends. We have our first look at our final season–Teen Wolf is saying goodbye to us with Season 6, and much as I love the show, it’s probably time. Here’s to hoping it can end on a good note. (It’s always so sad when shows can’t.)

It looks pretty cool. I like the idea of a Big Bad that abducts and erases people from all memory. The story is Stiles-centric, which obviously appeals to me. And the Sheriff doesn’t remember him? NOOOOOOO! On the downside, we lost Kira and got Theo in return? BOO. This is not a great trade, in my book.

And finally . . . Dirk Gently

Oh, this looks kind of fun.

I’ll admit, I’m getting a little tired of that one genius detective character who does whatever they want and suffers no ill consequences. Still, this definitely looks offbeat and I think I was pretty much sold when Elijah Wood screamed, “I am NOT your Watson, asshole!” Plus, it looks like there are some interesting side characters (I’m already intrigued by the one kickass black lady near the end of the trailer) and . . . is that Richard Schiff? Hey, it is! YAY!

This trailer doesn’t really jive with what little I remember from The Long Dark Tea-Time of the Soul, but it has been more than a decade since I read that book, so who knows. I’m sure I’ll try this one. I’m such a sucker for quirky detectives, although, historically, the weirder they are, the faster they get cancelled. (RIP forever, Terriers, The Unusuals, etc.)

Coming Soonish: Monsters, Legends, Huntsmen, and CIVIL WAR!!!!

Captain America: Civil War

Ah, fandom. Half of it’s like “STEVE AND BUCKY 4EVER!” and half of it’s like “ZOMG, did you SEE Black Panther?” But I’m just sitting here, alone and weeping, like, “But . . . but . . . so was I?” Actually, there are billions of Tony/Steve shippers out there, so I assume they’re crying with me, but for some reason I haven’t seen much from them so far. I guess I have more Stucky shippers on Twitter. (Also, I don’t really ship Tony and Steve, but I have such a huge thing for them being antagonistic friends who totally need each other, and this trailer is breaking my heart, damn it.)

All in all, Civil War looks pretty awesome. Of course, so did Age of Ultron, which isn’t even fair because that was pretty awesome; it just could’ve been better, and I still find that I’m disappointed in it. But I’m into this movie, despite myself. I think my main concerns remain the same:

a) I really need them to sell me on Tony being all pro-registration, because even with his presumed Ultron guilt, that’s a hard sell.

b) I need to really feel like both sides have a point because if half our heroes turn into assholes for no reason at all, I’m gonna be pissed.

c) I want Bruce Banner, goddamn it. (This is less of a serious concern and more of a personal woe because I’m a Banner fangirl, but also because not having him in a story where General Thunderbolt Ross is a major player kind of bugs me. Besides, can you imagine the Stark Spangled Banner angst? It would be INCREDIBLE.)

Obviously, I’m going to watch the hell out of Civil War. But it’s always hard, managing fangirl squee and realistic expectations. (I know, I know. First world nerd problems.)

DC Legends of Tomorrow

Meanwhile, on the other side of the Marvel/DC Movie/TV divide . . .

I’m not quite as psyched about this as other people, but I’m definitely going to give it a shot, especially considering I watch Arrow and Flash even when they continuously annoy me. (In Arrow’s defense, it’s been annoying me a lot less this season. Although it’s still only November. It has time.)

My thoughts on this particular trailer are as follows:

A. Vandal Savage kind of reminds me of Evil Jesus.

B. Heat Wave doesn’t appear to be toning it down even a little, and this concerns me. I’m not sure I can deal with Dominic Purcell at a 1000% intensity every single episode. I have a hard enough time dealing with him when he guest stars on The Flash as it is. Maybe he’ll be a big surprise death early on? (Also, Atom has an excellent point about trusting these dudes with a time machine.)

C. Boo, Hawkman. Although that’s not really fair. I just hated him on JLU, and presumably he’s not even the same Hawkman, considering Hawkgirl isn’t the same Hawkgirl. (I’m still deeply disappointed by this, but hopefully I’ll like Kendra, or at least become less resentful of her. It’s just, I loved Shayera, damn it. She was my very favorite on that show, second only to Batman, and Kevin Conroy’s Batman, even, who is obviously the best of all Batmans.)

D. I’m interested to see how/if this show will ever fuck with the other shows’ timelines, considering they’re apparently going to mess up shit in the past, and Arrow and Flash are both in the same universe. (And especially because Cisco’s whole deal has to do with parallel timelines/worlds and whatnot.) I might be over thinking it, though, because it’s not like Arrow and Flash can reboot their whole series every time someone on Legends screws up and saves someone who’s supposed to die or whatever. Still. I’m curious.

E. RORY!!!!!!!!!

The Forest

Like any sane person, I love Natalie Dormer and want to see more of her, but I can’t help but find this trailer pretty underwhelming. Maybe it’s because I just read a book set in Aokigahara that was chockfull of great, creepy-as-fuck imagery, but this looks incredibly generic to me. Nothing about it seems interesting: not the story, not the cinematography, certainly not the white (and almost certain) love interest. I mean, it’s not Gods of Egypt bad or anything–if you look at the cast on IMDB, you will actually see Asian people in it–but I can’t help but feel like it might not have been a terrible idea, having at least one of your leads be Japanese in a horror movie set in Japan.

Maybe this one’s better than it looks, but right now, my interest level is at zero, even with Natalie Dormer and Aokigahara involved.

A Monster Calls

Man, this looks gorgeous. Which is not at all surprising, considering J.A. Bayona (El Orfanato) directed it. The trailer above is only a teaser (not shocking, as the movie doesn’t come out for another year), but I’m already pretty excited about it, especially because of Bayona, and also because it’s based on a Patrick Ness book. (I haven’t read any of his work yet, but it’s on my to-do list. I’m especially interested in The Rest of Us Just Live Here.)

I’ve got to say, though: I’ve already seen a handful of these dark and beautiful fantasies where the main kid (or one of the main kids, anyway) tragically dies, and while I like those particular stories . . . I’m really hoping this one goes a different way.

Moonwalkers

And then there’s this. (NSFW, people.)

Moonwalkers looks very weird. Potentially funny, but possibly not my kind of humor, which is unfortunate since a movie about Ron Perlman and Rupert Grint very badly trying to fake the moon landing sounds kind of awesome. I’m all for the gory violence, but it’s clearly a WTF movie, and those come in so many shades.  I’m worried this one might end up being too surreal acid trip for my tastes. I got kind of a weird Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas vibe from it, and that was one of the very rare movies I actually didn’t finish. (Admittedly, it’s been roughly twelve years since I last tried it.)

Still, this is potentially interesting. I’ll be curious to see reviews and go from there.

And finally . . . The Huntsman: Winter’s War

Oh, seriously, what the hell.

Guys. GUYS. Snow White and The Huntsman? Not a good movie. It’s a pretty terrible movie, actually, so the fact that it’s getting a sequel at all is a little weird to me, but the people who are starring in it, like, WHY? I’ll give Charlize Theron and Chris Hemsworth the benefit of the doubt and assume they were contractually obligated to return, but Emily Blunt? Jessica Chastain? You are better than this. How much are they paying you compared to the millions of dollars you could be making working on anything else?

And man, do I need people to stop pretending that Kristen Stewart’s absence will make this movie so much better, like she was the only reason the first movie failed, cause seriously. What total horseshit. I’m not a huge Stewart fan myself, but she is far from the worst thing about that movie. Pretty much everything was a fail. Thin plot. Logic holes the size of Venus. Chris Hemsworth’s supposedly Scottish accent. The poor casting choice of the dwarves. The complete plot irrelevance of the dwarves. Snow’s supposedly inspirational speech and, oh yes, Charlize Theron herself. I’m sorry, guys. I ADORE Theron after Fury Road, just like the rest of the internet, but her performance in Snow White is TERRIBLE. And not only is she back, but it appears that evil baby sister Emily Blunt is going to mimic Theron’s performance by taaaaaalking liiiiiike THISSSSSS the whole time. (On a semi-related note, I wonder if they’ll remember to mention the Wicked Queen’s dead brother from the first movie. I say they forget.)

I feel like I should talk some about the apparent plot of this movie, but . . . it just looks so silly and contrived. It’s apparently not a prequel, though, like I originally thought–which is just as well, since Jessica Chastain’s character is the only one I’m even remotely interested in, and that would mean she’s the Huntsman’s tragically dead wife. On the other hand, Wikipedia tells me that Snow White chose Will after all, and while the ending technically does leave the love triangle open . . . come on, guys, everyone knows that Will was no serious threat to Magic Lips Hemsworth. (Amusingly, Will is going to be in this movie too, even though Snow White isn’t. Like, what?)

If I actually end up watching this, it’s definitely going to be another drinking game night.

Coming Soon-Ish: Mockingjays, Teen Wolves, Regency Zombies, and Kidnapping George Clooney

Hail Caesar

I don’t wholeheartedly adore the Coen Brothers the way that most film nerds do, but I’ve got to admit: this looks pretty delightful. And dude, the cast is ridiculous: when I glanced at IMDB, I recognized 14 out of the first 15 stars listed. We’re talking George Clooney, Scarlett Johansson, Channing Tatum, Josh Brolin, Tilda Swinton, Ralph Fiennes, Clancy Brown, and more. (The plot summary is also almost charmingly unhelpful: “A Hollywood fixer in the 1950’s works to keep the studio’s stars in line.” That is somewhat less specific than “George Clooney is kidnapped by The Future.”)

I’m definitely intrigued by this one. And it’s not just to watch Channing Tatum dance, either, although I’ve got to admit, that’s a pretty big plus, and this is coming from someone who hasn’t watched any of the Step Up OR Magic Mike movies.

Pride and Prejudice and Zombies

Yay, it’s finally coming! I’ve been waiting for this one for a long while. I read the book when it first came out, enjoying it for the silly good time that it was, but this is definitely a story just screaming for a film adaptation. I mean, what’s not to love about mixing some Jane Austen with some zombie action? Plus, it’s got Matt Smith as Mr. Collins, Charles Dance as Mr. Bennett, and Lena Headey as Lady Catherine de Bourgh.

Now I just need Night of the Living Trekkies to become a movie, too.

The Hunger Games: Mockingjay

I’d been avoiding trailers for this movie since almost clicking on one with supposed Big Time Spoilers — but I decided to check this one out, and I think I remain Spoiler Free, as the trailer is mostly just one big speech and a bunch of corresponding action shots. Although there are some totally creepy monster deals that I wasn’t at all expecting, since they look like they’d be more at home in a horror movie like The Descent than a blockbuster YA action franchise. Mind you, that’s not a complaint at all. Bring on the creepy monster deals!

I’m looking forward to watching this. I’ve seen all The Hunger Games movies in theater, and I’m trying to decide what the death toll will be. I’ll always remember talking for hours with Mekaela about who and how many of our favorite characters would die in The Return of the King, and actually being a little disappointed by the relatively low body count. It’s not that I wanted Pippin to die or anything, just, you know. Stakes. Price. All that jazz.

I guess I’ll find out this November. (Let it be Gale. Please let it be Gale.)

Ratchet and Clank

So, this looks cute. Very silly, very much like the video games. Actually, I’ve only played one of the them so far, but I found it pretty enjoyable — although Dr. Nefarious was easily the best character and, unfortunately, he’s not in this trailer very much.

Still. I could totally try this at some point. It seems like a good candidate for an  “I Feel Crappy, I Need Lighthearted Kids Fare” movie marathon. Also, it’s cool they got the original voice cast for the main players, while adding in other Hollywood actors (Rosario Dawson, John Goodman, Paul Giamatti, Armin Shimerman, etc.) for what I presume are supporting roles.

Teen Wolf

Well, this came out earlier than I was expecting. Season 5B returns in January, and for some reason I’d just assume I’d have to wait a little longer for any real footage . . . but I forgot about New York Comic Con. Bless you, New York Comic Con.

Despite a slightly uneven ending, I really enjoyed Season 5A, and this promo looks pretty great. On the downside, Deucalion appears to be back — which is actually probably for the best, considering the massively stupid way his storyline ended, but still, boo, Deucalion. On the upside, Papa Argent is also back, which is far, far more important. Also: Lydia’s continuing to have an especially lousy time at Eichen House, Stiles throws Scott to the ground in pretty spectacular fashion, and Kira continues to be a total badass.

I am pumped for January. Speaking of . . .

Person of Interest

Finally, I had to post this promo because it’s one of the best things I’ve ever seen. Well, for established fans anyway. I’m not sure the actor switcheroo would do much for anyone who’s just considering checking the series out, but for the rest of us die-hards . . . guys, it’s just delightful. I have re-watched this trailer a stupid amount of times. I will never get tired of seeing Michael Emerson and Amy Acker play Reese. Really, I could just watch that all day.

Coming Soon-Ish: Teen Wolf, Scream Queens, and Zombie Kids

Teen Wolf

SEASON FIVE IS COMING!

I will not apologize for my excitement. I am content in being a total fangirl about this show, even though it often operates on shaky logic and last season wasn’t its strongest. Fifth season, like third, will be divided into two halves, and there’s a pretty strong chance that this will be the final season, so. My time for fangirl squee is limited.

A lot’s going on this trailer, and it’s hard to make sense of most of it. Lydia doesn’t seem to be having an easy time of it, poor girl. (Though maybe she’s faking whatever insanity thing is going on to do undercover detective work at Eichen House. That could work for me.) Then again, no one really seems to be having a great senior year. There appears to be some friction between Scott and Stiles, which I could totally approve of. And if it’s about this new wolf guy, then I’m firmly on Stiles’s side, because yeah, I absolutely don’t trust that dude, either. (Also the whole trust everyone/trust no one thing seems to be a pretty perfect representation of their two characters. Me gusta.)

“Watch Your Pack” is not my favorite of the Teen Wolf season slogans . . . but I’m still pretty excited by this trailer. Damn it. Why isn’t it the end of June yet?

Maze Runner: The Scorch Trials

Ah, the Dylan O’Brien project I’m considerably less interested in.

I guess I could watch this for mockery purposes, but I have no immediate plans to, since the first one was basically just two hours of missed opportunities and failed potential. Although, Thomas does look pretty angsty in a shower, a shot that’s often reserved for women. (After trauma, male protagonists grow angsty facial hair, while women cry naked and alone. I don’t actually think Thomas will start crying here, but if he did, I’d almost be a little impressed.)

There are many, many generic action shots. I suspect O’Brien is contracted to run and nearly get killed by a closing wall/door in each film. And Aidan Gillen is here too, playing our Probably-But-Possibly-Not-Totally-Evil Antagonist. Only I think he’s going for an American accent, which, well. It’s not working for him. This was a problem in the first movie too, where only one of a handful of British kids got to keep their English. It makes even less sense here; after all, we all know villains come from Europe! Let him just be Irish, for the love of God.

Scream Queens

All right. I know I’ll have to give this one a try.

I have a feeling the tone is going to bounce all over the place in this show. Like I’m getting satire for the most part, but then there are scenes like the one with the rent-a-cop screaming — that shit seemed straight out of the Scary Movie franchise. And while Emma Roberts and Abigail Breslin are perfect as Bitch Queens from Hell, I’m already not wild about the ridiculously nerdy pledges, like Lea Michelle or, worse, Random Candle Wax Eating Girl. I mean, really? Really?

Based on that trailer, I’m rooting for Keke Palmer and Jamie Lee Curtis to survive. Unfortunately, I worry that’s not very likely.

Cooties

This trailer kind of reminds me of Recess Pieces, a comic book with an awesome premise that I, ultimately, didn’t like as much as I’d hoped. I kind of feel like that’s going to be the case here, too. I’m all for teachers on the run from their zombie students, and I did laugh at Rainn Wilson telling us, “This is that scene.” Still, the “I’m gay!” line came off as particularly awkward and uncomfortable to me, and I’m worried that this is a one-joke movie that’s going to get old thirty minutes in.

Still, I wouldn’t mind being wrong about that. Zombie fourth-graders automatically make me smile, and I’m a fan of both Elijah Wood and Alison Pill. One way or another, I’m sure I’ll get around to seeing this. Whether it’ll be good or not, though, that’s another story.

And finally . . . Nina Forever

. . . I actually have no idea what to say to that. But if you’d like to try the trailer out for yourself, just be warned: it’s definitely NSFW. Like, even more so than the movie about killer kid zombies.

Coming Soon-Ish: Star Wars, Batman v Superman, and The Hateful Eight

Star Wars: The Force Awakens

I don’t know if it’s because I was in a bad mood when I watched this, or if it’s because I knew Harrison Ford was going to appear before I saw the trailer. Maybe it’s because I still don’t want the old stars in the new series, despite the obvious fact that that ship has long since sailed. But this teaser spread like wildfire around my social media today, with everyone feeling the old Star Wars magic again, and I was kind of like . . . *shrug.* Which bummed me out because for however cynical I can be sometimes, being a geek is kind of all about joy, and I absolutely wanted to feel that wonder and sentiment that everyone else seemed to feel today. Maybe I’ll get there in the first full-length trailer. (Although, actually, I was definitely more into the first teaser. Hell, maybe I am just having an off day.) On the upside, it’s not a bad-looking trailer, and I was super excited that they remembered, hey, Leia was supposed to have cool Jedi potential too. I will be PISSED if I don’t get to see Leia do at least something with the Force in these movies. That has always bummed me out. But please, for the love of God, don’t bring Darth Vader back. Please say that’s not why we’re using present tense, not unless we’re bringing him back as the badass villain he once was, and even then . . . I don’t know, guys. Sometimes, I think it’s better if the best villains stay dead. The Hateful Eight
For a teaser that doesn’t feature any actual footage, I’m surprisingly into this. Well, not that surprisingly — it’s Quentin Tarantino, after all, and it stars Walton Goggins, Samuel L. Jackson, Kurt Russell, and Tim Roth, among others. I’m desperately curious to see a full-length trailer now, and my only real disappointment is that there appears to only be one girl in the whole hateful eight because of course there is. On the upside, there’s also apparently a dude who’s known by the name Cow Puncher. Obviously, I need to know more about that guy. Burying the Ex
Oh, no. Not feeling this one at all. Which is disappointing — zombie comedies are usually right up my alley, and I generally like Anton Yelchin. All the zombie-spewing embalming fluid stuff is kind of awesome, too. But the general premise of Girlfriend From Hell feels so . . . blech. It’s done and it’s boring and I’m kind of over watching movies about poor nice guys whose meanie mean girlfriends stomp all over them. Like yeah, I’ve known women who are over-controlling, too, but this over-the-top crazy? It feels like yet another movie where I’m being asked to sympathize with a boy’s fears about the Crazy Bitch Girlfriend, and I’m just not that interested. Actually, I’d have been a lot more curious if this whole story was gender-swapped, and the boyfriend wasn’t abusive or awful, just really annoying. That might have worked for me. Scream
Yup. MTV has made a TV show based off the horror movie franchise, and I am absolutely going to watch it. Less because this trailer does anything for me — because it really doesn’t — but because it’s the Scream franchise and I have to. Also because Bex Taylor-Klaus is apparently going to be in it, and because I love Teen Wolf so much that I’m actually a little excited it’s going to be on MTV. I know. I never thought I’d say that, either. It totally could suck. But I’m at least going to try it out. Dark Matter
This is another TV show that may also suck, but you can bet I’ll be watching the hell out of it anyway. A group of amnesiacs trapped together in space? Shit, that kind of show is practically made for me. Will I be disappointed? Oh, probably. I can’t actually think of a Group Amnesia movie I ended up being particularly satisfied with, and there’s nothing about this trailer that’s hugely original. Still. All the potential in that premise! Someday, I’m going to find a winner. Will it be you, Dark Matter? Can it be you after all this time? And finally . . . Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice Because of technical difficulties, I’m just going to refer you to io9 if you want to watch this one. But it looks . . . interesting. I still haven’t made myself watch Man of Steel yet, but I know most of the major stuff that happens in it. (Still. I will watch it before I see Dawn of Justice. I will make myself do this, even if I have almost zero interest.) And this looks pretty dark. That seems to be a turnoff to a lot of people who enjoy the relatively zippier Marvel movies, but in a way, I’m glad that DC has a different tonal approach — it makes it feel more like their own. Also, sometimes I feel a little bad for DC. Not always — their fuck-ups can not all or even mostly be blamed on other people — but I can’t help but feel that Marvel gets praised when it goes light and praised when it goes dark, and DC gets shit on for doing anything. And damn it, I like the Justice League. I like Batman. Maybe this movie will suck donkeyballs, but I refuse to go into it with that as my default expectation. Okay. That became more of a rant than I intended. Let’s get back to the trailer, cause I’m getting mad Injustice vibes from it. (Without the amazing trio that is Green Arrow, Black Canary, and Harley Quinn, unfortunately.) Honestly, I’m a little more interested because of those Injustice vibes, and I’ll happily watch this again when the official trailer (with better quality) comes out. I’m not sure I’m feeling Batman’s glowy eyes, though. The voice is . . . well, I don’t know. I get why everyone’s comparing it to Christian Bale’s growl, but I think it actually reminds me a lot more of Shao Kahn. Surprisingly, I don’t absolutely hate it, although I feel like it might have been a wise decision to not do that and go with something more understated. Then again, I’m thinking this might not be the most subtle and understated of movies. I guess we’ll see how it all plays out next year.

Coming Soon-Ish: Holmes, Earthquakes, and Body-Switching

I was going to try to have a review up today, but I just couldn’t manage it in time. So you get trailers you’ve probably already seen instead. C’est la vie. Happy Friday the 13th!

Tomorrowland

Well, I watched the teaser months ago. Now that I’ve seen a full-length trailer . . . look, I really don’t want to be interested in a movie that’s based on a land from Disneyland, but I can’t help myself. It looks fun. Family-friendly fun, sure, but I really like some of the visuals in this trailer. I’m interested in seeing more live-action films by Brad Bird, and it’s got a pretty spectacular cast. (I swear, I don’t just mind Hugh Laurie. He’s a big part of it, though. You gotta like Hugh Laurie.)

I doubt I’ll see this in theater or anything, but I could rent it at some point.

Mr. Holmes

This is just a teaser, so there’s not much in the way of actual plot revealed in this one. But the gist seems to be that super old Sherlock Holmes, as played by Ian McKellan, will have to solve one last mystery, which will probably be hard because he’s, as aforementioned, super old and having memory problems. I will say that it looks considerably less depressing than I expected when I first heard about the project months ago, but that’s probably because of all the sweeping inspirational music. Hard to say what the tone of the actual film will be, although if Holmes doesn’t bite it at the end, I will honestly be surprised.

Self/less

Ben Kingsley is rich. Ben Kingsley is dying. Ben Kingsley transports himself into Ryan Reynolds’s body, and there are side effects. Because that’s apparently something that immortality comes, as Matthew Goode so casually remarks, like that’s not something important that should be mentioned on a brochure or something.

Honestly, my interest in this is pretty middling, but Matthew Goode seems appropriately sinister, and I always want Ryan Reynolds’s movies to do well. His career path is insane. He keeps picking these projects that just bomb, but you can usually see how the movies could have gone well.

In the meantime, this will have to hold us all over until Deadpool.

And finally . . . San Andreas

Oh. My. GOD. The cheese. The CHEESE in this thing.

So, this movie is apparently about the entire destruction of my home state, and I just can’t stop giggling at it. It looks so bad. In fact, I was really surprised when I looked it up and saw that Roland Emmerich didn’t direct it. Seriously, I thought this had his 2012 fingerprints all over it.

And the science, man. The science in this thing looks like it’s going to be impressively terrible, and I’m saying that as someone who only barely remembers her geology course that she took around ten years ago. Is this what people from non-earthquake regions think happens in California? Or that it’s a likely possibility? I’m not trying to say earthquakes can’t be devastating because of course they can, but . . . holy shit, what is this? Besides hysterical, I mean.

Coming Soon-Ish: Zombies, Assassins, and The Fantastic Four

The Fantastic Four

So, the interesting thing is this: if you didn’t know who the Fantastic Four were, you’d have absolutely no idea that this was a superhero movie. I’m not wild about that, but there are aspects of this trailer that I like. The cast is solid. The cinematography looks great, and I was deeply impressed with the originality of director Josh Trank’s Chronicle. If this wasn’t a superhero movie, if it was just straight up SF, I’d be all on board with this promo . . . but there are things I like to see in a superhero movie, namely, you know, superheroes. It seems concerning to me that the movie seems to be trying to hide its origins. (And if you’re looking for a more grounded, realistic film, maybe try not casting a lead who looks like he’s fifteen.)

I’m still going to remain cautiously optimistic for now, but I definitely want to see if the next trailer offers up a different look or is more of the same.

Child 44

I wouldn’t qualify this as a must-see, exactly, but I’m kind of interested in this. I won’t lie: Tom Hardy’s involvement is a big part of my interest, although it’s not the only reason, otherwise I would have seen Lawless or Warrior by now. But anything with a murder mystery will catch my eye, and the rest of this cast (Gary Oldman, Noomi Rapace, Charles Dance, etc.) are similarly fantastic. I could possibly watch this as a rental.

Everly

The general premise of this movie seems to be that everyone tries to kill Salma Hayek in her apartment, while Salma Hayek (sexily) takes them all down. While I rolled my eyes repeatedly during this trailer (the idea that a woman knows how to use a gun! shocking!), let’s be real here: I will almost certainly see this movie at some point in my life. Although I’m considering making it a drinking game movie with only one rule: take a shot whenever someone needlessly strips down into a bra or panties.

iZombie

I’ve been looking forward to this show since I first heard about it last . . . April? May? Whatever, it’s been a while. And guys, I am ALL about this trailer. A zombie M.E. (or possibly assistant) who solves crime, as brought to you by the guy who did Veronica Mars? Yeah, I could be into that. Adding in Zombie Sark, even if he’s just a guest star, is simply adding a cherry to the ice cream sundae. (Actually, that’s a terrible metaphor because I don’t like cherries, maraschino or otherwise. All right, he can be the caramel sauce. It’s not necessary on a hot fudge sundae, sure, and yet it’s never unwanted.)