The Next Great Horror Movie Turned TV Show . . . RESULTS!

Oh, blog. How I have neglected you, and how I will probably keep neglecting you for some time–I’m in the middle of a move, which, I’ve got to tell you, guys, is not exactly how I was planning to spend my October, like, it is not helping with my whole 31 Days of Halloween plan AT ALL. I won’t be fully moved in until the end of next week, and in the meantime, I’m struggling to keep up with all sorts of things, My Geek Blasphemy very much included.

But I do have the results of your Halloween poll! It’s a three-way tie, because you people hate me.

Since we don’t believe in ties around here–at least, not when it comes to first place–it is my sacred duty to break said tie and pick a true horror champion, as dictated by the Pop Culture Gods. Thus the horror movie that will (hypothetically) be the great next TV show is . . .

re

Re-Animator

This was a tough call for me. Re-Animator tied with Salem’s Lot and Nightmare on Elm Street, and I could absolutely watch all of those shows as I (awesomely) envisioned them. Of course I’m all about surreal dream sequences and teenagers solving supernatural mysteries, so obviously Nightmare on Elm Street could be a lot of fun. And Salem’s Lot seems like it might have the most natural potential to be a TV show, like, I can really see how that story could easily expand past a one-season premise.

But when push comes to shove, I’m just really excited by the idea of a gender-swapped Re-Animator. I love the idea of a couple of lady mad scientists getting into all kinds of weekly/ongoing zombie-making shenanigans. I know some people think zombies are played out, but I still think they totally work–I’m just a little worn out on, like, The Walking Dead and stuff. Like, I’m less into full scale apocalyptic stories; I’m all about the offbeat right now: iZombie, for instance, is just the best. And I’d be all for a horror-buddy-comedy (created and run by women) on TV that could be weird and gross and star some funny ladies who are up to their ears in reanimated corpses. As for who should play our beloved Dr. Hermione West . . . anyone have any thoughts? Actual Hermione Emma Watson? Is Kate McKinnon a too obvious choice? How about Jessica Williams? Ellen Wong? Ellie Kemper? Gillian Jacobs? Ruth Negga? Jennifer Lawrence? (Assume the budget is sell-your-soul-to-the-devil large.)

As far as the other contenders go . . . Let the Right One In–which actually is going to be a TV show, a fact I hadn’t realized until Teacups commented–slides in at third place; meanwhile, neither Suspiria nor Saw received any votes at all, and thus they both get Total Loser Award. So, for the record, torture porn and witchy ballet academies are out; vampires, killer nightmares, and zombie comedies are totally in!

Thus concludes our annual Halloween poll. Thank you all for playing!

Season Premiere Round-Up: September 6th-September 29th

So, the 2016-2017 Fall TV Season has begun. Lots of new and returning shows have already started, and I haven’t watched even half of them, because it’s been a bit busy for me lately, and also because I didn’t want to. Still, I’ve checked out about five shows so far. Here are my general impressions:

DISCLAIMERS: MILD TO SERIOUS SPOILERS INVOLVED. DO NOT READ IF YOU HAVEN’T YET WATCHED. THIS MEANS YOU, MEKAELA ST. GEORGE.

Atlanta

atlanta

I have to catch up on this show (we’re like six episodes in or something?) but I just watched the first two, and so far I’m liking it. I find that I have to crank up my volume like I’m listening to Comedy Central, or British people, but other than that, it’s interesting.

There are far, far better people than a white girl from small town California to talk about why this show is important, and have, so I’m not going to try. What I will say is that I generally find the characters likable or interesting, which is especially helpful in Earn’s case, since male protagonists who are always asking their parents for money and not helping ladies out much on the rent . . . not typically my favorite. But nobody does anything so horrible I can’t stand them; actually, I like all three main characters quite a bit. Paper Boi has some nice scenes, and of course Keith Stanfield is pretty hilarious. There are a lot of moments of quiet humor and a fair amount of WTF humor, too. I do find myself hoping that Earn’s girlfriend will get to do something other than, you know, be a girlfriend. Like, it’d be nice for her to have a storyline that didn’t entirely revolve around wanting Earn to make money or get out, especially because the show’s feeling a bit dude heavy for my tastes at the moment.

Atlanta is, as everyone and their mothers have said, a tonally strange show, bouncing seamlessly between scenes of, say, stoner humor and very abrupt, difficult-to-watch scenes of police brutality. It doesn’t quite feel like anything else on TV, and that, along with a soft spot for Donald Glover, makes me think I’ll probably watch it at least a full season, if not more.

GRADE: 

B+

The Good Place

good-place

So, that was fun. I went back and forth on if I wanted to check this show out or not, but a good review on io9, my love for Kristen Bell, and a need for a little bit of levity in my life tipped me towards the Check It Out side, and I’m glad I did. I’m not sure I’m going to keep up with it forever–I worry that it will become a bit repetitive–but I’d like to try for now. I laughed out loud a lot, even at some of the moments I knew were coming, and that’s always a big plus. I’m trying to remember which jokes made me laugh the hardest: the dog, certainly, was up there. Also, Kristen Bell’s offhand line about the purse, the reminder that Africa is a continent, not a country, and Michael’s clear inability to understand the mass appeal of froyo.

William Jackson Harper is an awesome straight man, and he and Kristen Bell have great chemistry, like, that’s half the show right there. Ted Danson is also a lot of fun, and I pretty much adore D’Arcy Carden as Janet. Also, I didn’t expect the cracktastic karmic consequences for whenever Eleanor screws up, and I’m excited that there’s a bit of a mystery involved, too. Who knows that Eleanor doesn’t belong there? Will we meet God (or whoever) at some point? And what exactly is God’s criteria system, like, I’m pretty interested in what’s going on behind the scenes when Florence Nightingale didn’t merit a spot in the Good Place, but someone like Tahani–who is all charitable action with somewhat questionable intent–did.

There’s possible room to grow here. If the show does, and continues highlighting the Eleanor/Chidi dynamic duo, I could definitely enjoy it.

GRADE:

B+

Agents of SHIELD

aos

So, I’m partially invested in this. Theoretically, I like the idea of breaking up the team: it adds a layer of complication, giving our players secrets and hidden alliances that could be kind of interesting. It also shifts around the power dynamic, like, I’m into Jemma having a bigger position of power than either May or even Coulson in some respects. At the same time, though, I already miss the team, you know, as a team, and the idea of a whole season getting the band back together sounds vaguely exhausting. I’m also a little less interested in Daisy being the vigilante, even though her scenes aren’t bad, and I’m not a Daisy hater by any means. I just would have been more interested if virtually any other character had been playing it solo. I kind of think a Daisy-lite season might do the show some good, although in fairness to AoS, it’s looking like everyone’s going to have stuff to do.

On a more positive note: Ghost Rider is potentially interesting (although the scene with the brother and the surge of inspirational music that followed didn’t quite work for me), I’m totally into the Life Model Decoy (and hey, it’s Madalena from Galavant! YAY!), I’m excited to see that Yo-Yo’s back (YO-YO!), and OOOOH, May has apparently contracted the weird ghost sickness. See, now that I’m fully invested in.

GRADE:

B

How To Get Away With Murder

htgawm

After an occasionally awesome but somewhat shaky second season, I’d say “We’re Good People Now” is relatively solid ‘B’ fun, with some drama that I don’t care about and one damn sweet hook. The worst part, easily, was that beginning; please tell me that there are other people out there besides me and my sister who watched that whole Scream Our Fury Into The Night Sky scene and laughed their asses off. I mean, I get the idea, and those kind of moments can totally work, but boy, did I not buy it here, like, at all.

Also, any Wes/Laurel drama is automatically a snoozefest on every level. I am very definitively not a shipper because Laurel is far too interesting for him, and besides, Wes’s whole “I can’t talk to you because when I look at you, all I see is your shitty ex-boyfriend” thing, I mean, that’s such total bullshit. (Don’t get me wrong; Laurel will probably still end up being involved with Frank somehow because TWISTS, but at this point, for all Wes knows? Yeah, this is a shitty way to treat her.) Oh, and new douchebag student guy? Can he die, like, super quickly? I am deeply not interested in spending any time with this guy.

Let’s see, what else . . . oh, right, my favorite goddamn ship has broken up. This is not my happy face, show. Actually, I find that I’m not quite as upset as I thought I’d be, mostly because I don’t think this is the end of Oliver/Connor at all. Also, I’ve gotta say . . . look, Oliver’s totally right that Connor’s reaction (or lack thereof) is just completely wrong and may not say necessarily great things about their relationship–but then, that’s why you go to counseling or something. What you don’t do is make Connor’s saintlike reaction to your pretty atrocious treachery somehow all about you and not understanding who you are as a person anymore and so you have to break up so you can rediscover yourself on your own because, seriously, WHAT?

Away from that total nonsense. I genuinely like that after a year of murder and hacking up bodies and shootings and framings and everything else you could possibly imagine, the Keating Five aren’t actually doing so hot in school, like, that makes complete sense. I enjoyed seeing Annalise visiting everyone over the summer, and also the show getting back to its initial procedural format. I think it actually needs that along with the twisty soapy murdery goodness. It was also pretty hilarious to see Nate giving Annalise a foot rub because–shamelessly, utterly shamelessly–he’s shirtless as he’s doing so; thus we witness a few of Billy Brown’s 680 ridiculously sculpted muscles actually moving as he rubs her feet.

But of course this episode’s really all about those last few minutes and our new mystery: WHO IS DEAD? Like I said before, it’s a pretty great hook, especially since every episode we’ll be eliminating at least one person who isn’t dead. (If Connor or Oliver die, I walk, people.) If you take the scene at face value, then the most likely people are Bonnie, Wes, or Nate, based on Annalise’s grief-stricken reaction. But since anyone who’s still watching this show in the third season knows not to take shit at face value . . . it really could be anyone because, for all we know, Annalise killed them herself and is just putting on a big show for the cops. (Currently, I’m putting early money on Frank dying after somehow managing to impossibly redeem himself to Annalise over the course of the season, but early money isn’t much, like, I’m wagering maybe four pennies here.)

Finally, two more important things to note: a) Meggy is adorable, so either she’s secretly evil or she’s gonna die, and b) Frank shaved his beard and head. NOOOOOOOOOO.

GRADE:

B

Lethal Weapon

lw

Here’s another show I was on the fence about checking out. But I finally did, and it’s . . . okay? Should we pro/con/whatever it?

PRO:

Clayne Crawford is actually pretty good as Riggs. I especially like some of his quieter, matter-of-fact moments later on in the episode. Right now, at least, I think his performance is carrying the show. (He and Damon Wayans also have decent enough chemistry, though, which helps.)

CON:

Still, when my spellcheck tried to make ‘Clayne’ ‘Claire’ and I thought to myself, man, how awesome would it have been to have seen Marti Riggs instead? Yeah, I’m still bummed we didn’t get it. Cause the thing is Lethal Weapon isn’t anything new or fresh, and while the women thus far are at least likable–I enjoy Murtaugh’s wife, and Jordana Brewster’s counselor appears so far to be playing a more effective and less overtly antagonistic version of Mary Ellen Trainor’s original character–they also don’t have much to do. (Besides, Brewster will probably just end up Riggs’s love interest, anyway.) A gender-flipped version of this show could at least have been interesting.

CON:

Especially since they only double down on the Refrigerated Wife backstory by adding a dead unborn baby, too. Sigh.

WHATEVER:

While it’s nice to see someone who isn’t freaking out at the first hint of a contraction, woman, call yourself a cab, Jesus. Seriously, ladies, this is your public service announcement from someone who totally isn’t a medical professional but works around a lot of them: if you think you are going into active labor, PLEASE don’t drive yourself to the hospital because this is not safe, and also because if you can drive more than three minutes to the hospital without having debilitating contractions, you very possibly aren’t far enough along yet to be coming to the hospital anyway. (Well, okay, women whose water has broken still need to come in regardless of whether they’re having contractions or not–but never mind, you get the point. In general, call a friend, an ambulance, or Uber, okay?)

CON:

I am tired of seeing the same accident over and over and over, TV. Anytime I see a driver’s profile, I just sit back and start counting seconds until a truck comes through and T-bones them.

WHATEVER:

Bad guys are killed like crazy in this show. Like, no one cares even a little bit about offing criminals, so long as car races aren’t interrupted and the city doesn’t suffer too much financial damage. (Seriously, the Grand Prix scene is more than a little silly, and I could easily have done without it.)

PRO:

Hey, I forgot Kevin Rahm is in this! And he has a pocket square! Man, I haven’t seen that guy in forever.

WHATEVER:

Murtaugh is like the most oblivious person ever and probably shouldn’t be a detective. How is he the only person at the dinner table to miss out on the obvious clues that Riggs’s wife is dead? Good Lord, Murtaugh.

WHATEVER:

Instead of just being old, Murtaugh is going back to work after suffering a heart attack and open heart surgery. I feel like they’re just going to use that as an easy joke, as it’s mostly treated comedically here, but this actually has real potential to be a serious ongoing storyline, like, Murtaugh being afraid to die is a perfectly valid thing. Since most of the pathos goes to Riggs, this could be an interesting thing for his partner to explore. Instead, I suspect Murtaugh will mostly have serious drama whenever one of his family members inevitably ends up in danger.

PRO:

The clear MVP of this story is not Murtaugh or even Riggs but Murtaugh’s ridiculously cute baby girl. She is the most adorable thing ever and needs to be featured in every single episode. Make it happen, Fox.

GRADE:

B

MEGA Coming Soon-Ish: All The 2016-2017 TV Coming Your Way

Okay, that’s a lie: it’s not all the TV. But it’s quite a lot of it. We’re talking trailers galore, people, say roughly 20 of them. Let’s see how long they last before they’re inevitably taken down!

With so many trailers, you’d think I’d have more on my To-Watch list, but sadly that list is rather short, as it appears that many of the shows I’m interested in (like Emerald City, Powerless, or Midnight, Texas) are premiering mid-season and don’t yet have previews available. (One was leaked for Powerless but has since been taken down by NBC. Curse you, NBC.)

Still, there are a bevy of shows I could potentially check out, depending on early buzz, better trailers, important TV schedule conflicts, etc. There are also quite a number of shows I have very little interest in, and three trailers I wouldn’t necessarily mind setting on fire. I’ll let you find out which is which, but I’ll tell you this now: as awful as Bull sounds (and it does sound AWFUL), it was actually not my least favorite trailer this year. Yup. There’s a show that looks worse than Dr. Phil writing about a younger and more sexually magnetic version of himself rigging juries and otherwise outsmarting everyone he meets.

My fellow Earthlings, I present (some of) the 2016-2017 television season:

ON THE WATCH-LIST

Frequency

I watched the movie this show was based on a long damn time ago, and I know I liked it back then, but I barely remember anything about it now. This trailer tells you a lot, like, presumably every big twist that happens in the pilot, but I can’t say that it doesn’t intrigue me. (Although I suspect I’ll be hiding my face a lot while Peyton List says stuff that clearly doesn’t jive with the current timeline anymore.) This show feels like it has the potential to be ambitious, though, and seems like a bit of a departure for the CW. I don’t know if it’s going to be good, but I definitely plan to check it out.

(Good Lord. I just watched the trailer for the original movie, and it’s so ridiculously dated with music that goddamn swells. It kind of makes me wanna watch the movie again, and also makes me terrified to do so.)

Prison Break

*Disclaimer: SPOILERS for the previous seasons*

God help me, I’m actually going to watch this. I feel like I have to: I watched the original series, after all. (For a while, anyway, although I finally gave up sometime during the last season, either when Michael’s saintly dead mom was revealed to be alive and EVIL, or when Decapitated Sara somehow came back to life, violating TV’s one sacrosanct rule: anyone can come back, so long as they still have their heads. More importantly, Michael and Lincoln (or rather Captain Cold and Heat Wave) have been one of Legends of Tomorrow’s very few saving graces, and this looks so utterly ridiculous that it basically demands a watch, not the least of which because the show originally ended with Michael being dead too.

Obviously, Prison Break has never met a resurrection it didn’t like, which is a funny thing to say about a show that has zero speculative elements. Anyway, this looks pretty corny. I’m not sure what the worst part is; either Wentworth Miller’s thick and over-the-top “brother” or Sara’s waxing poetic about her supposedly dead love: “He was like a storm appearing suddenly out of a clear blue sky.” Gag. And yet, I’m going to try it, at least, the first episode. I’d commit to more, but one of the only people who apparently isn’t returning is William Fichtner, and while that’s probably a wise career decision on his part, he was easily the best part of the original show. For Fichtner, I’d commit to a season. Everyone else gets an hour out of me.

MAYBE I’LL CHECK OUT

Making History

I actually don’t watch a lot of comedy on television (although I feel like I should watch more). I might check out Making History, though, because despite having a very uneven track record of enjoying time travel stories, this trailer actually made me laugh several times. Especially with lines like “you have urgent questions about colonial Massachusetts” and “what story starts with a guy getting in a duffle bag in a garage and has a happy ending.” Oh, and also “yes” and “no, not at all” simultaneously. (Although the “show me the money” bit did kind of fall flat for me, and I’m curious/hesitant to see how they’ll be handling slavery in general.)

I’m not 100% on this yet–I rarely am with comedies–but it might be worth investigating further.

Timeless

(Ugh, screw you, bullshit internet for failing AGAIN–I’ve lost my whole section here.)

Okay, take two: I see now that the primary TV trend this season—other than the remakes/reboots/sequels that absolutely no one was waiting for–is time travel. This one looks . . . okay. On one hand, this is about an unlikely trio going back in the past to stop some big time crime, so sure, that could be fun. Goran Visnjic looks to be the primary villain, which I’m on board with, and Matt Frewer is playing . . . er, someone? Whatever, I’m always happy to see Matt Frewer show up. And I’ve already decided that Rufus is my favorite character.

On the other hand, I’m less excited about our lead heroine. It’s not an acting thing; she just seems like an utterly boring character, pretty and bland and lacking a single definitive personality trait. Supposedly, she’s along for the ride because she’s a historian, but I’m sure you won’t be shocked that there are hints that something else is going on here, some big secret or past history or possible destiny that makes her Special. Yawn. And while I’m excited to see Shantel VanSanten (hi, Patty!), the soldier dude’s whole ‘I’m almost certainly a depressed alcoholic because of my dead wife’ thing? Repeat: YAWN.

This could be a fun little SF action show, and maybe I’ll get into it. But I’m concerned it’s feeling a bit generic and trope-y right now.

Lethal Weapon

So, I don’t plan to check this one out, but to be fair: the trailer isn’t nearly as bad I’d expected it to be, and I could try the pilot out just to see. I did laugh a few times, and the actors seemed fine in their respective roles. I was probably the most interested in Kevin Rahm as the police chief, though, just because he’s one of those character actors that pops up here and again on TV, and it’s been a while since I’ve seen him. (Ah, I see he’s recently been on Madam Secretary and Mad Men. Well, that explains that mystery, then.)

Of course, I also rolled my eyes pretty heartily at Riggs’s Dead Wife. Not that I expected or even necessarily wanted them to take out Madame Refrigerator, of course, but sweet Jesus, she was preggers and in a floral top, like, trope a little harder, guys. (Seriously, I basically just made fun of this last week in my proposed outline for Tetris: The Trilogy.) Mostly, though, I’m not sure I get the point of this show: there’s nothing particularly new here, nothing that makes me think I should watch this rather than just re-watch the movie. I mean, hopefully it will be updated to exclude any gross homophobic lines. Still, I’m not excited about this.

Maybe if it had been gender-flipped. That, I could have been on board with.

Shots Fired

Potentially powerful, but I’d be lying if I said I was sure I was gonna check in. It’s definitely the kind of show I’d have to make myself watch, not one that I’d naturally be inclined to. Shots Fired appears to be an “event series,” so if it does well, I’m guessing it will be something in the vein of True Detective, where the characters and actors change every year. Might be one of those shows I wait to hear a few reviews of before checking out.

Still Star-Crossed

It’s . . . kind of interesting, despite its awful title. Romeo and Juliet is remade all the time, but I feel like it’s rare that anyone actually goes anywhere new and exciting with it. This is admittedly different, though, because Still Star-Crossed takes place after R+J have already kicked the bucket. It focuses on what happens after the events of the play, and I’m intrigued by the idea of two houses struggling to survive in the aftermath. Like a more consolidated Game of Thrones, but with less dragons and probably more suicide.

I’m less keen, though, on the idea that everything hangs on the arranged marriage between–wait for it–Benvolio Montague and Rosaline Capulet. Like, I could totally watch a show where that was part of the drama, but this (along with what I’m assuming will be a steamy love triangle) appears to be the primary plot, and that sounds less interesting to me. On the upside, Rosaline looks pretty fun. On the downside, Mercutio and Tybalt are probably still dead, so. Meh. I might check it out, but it’s far from a sure thing.

No Tomorrow

I’ve seen two trailers for this now. This one’s longer and, in my opinion, far more interesting, but I’m still not sure if I want to try this, and I swear it’s not just because this is the show that’s bumped iZombie until mid-season. (Okay, that’s not entirely the reason. Look, I’m trying not to hold grudges, but iZombie is one of my favorite things on TV right now, and I’m still cranky that I have to wait until 2017 to get it back.)

Parts of this trailer look cute, and I’m happy that our MC (who has to learn to live life to the fullest, and such) has moments where she calls her love interest out on bullshit, like, seriously, that shit about the job? NO. Not okay, don’t care how hot you are. But story-wise, I’m not convinced this would hold my attention for a full year, not to mention . . . what happens after that year? Presumably at some point we’re going to find out if Galavant is right about the asteroid apocalypse, yes? (Unless you’re really going to stretch it out, which, boo.) I’ll tell you right now: if this show started life as a basic, quirky rom-com that become an SF apocalypse rom-com? I would respect the holy hell out of it. It might become my favorite thing ever. And CW actually might be the only station weird enough to do it, but I feel like that might be wishful thinking on my part, and I’m just not sure I care enough about all the carpe diem shit to wait for the ultimate endgame.

Conviction

This is so close to a pass, guys. Literally my only interest in it is Hayley Atwell. I mean, okay, the supporting cast is also fine: we’ve got Emily Kinney from The Walking Dead, Merrin Dungey from Alias, and Shawn Ashmore from the X-Men movies (but it’s his twin from Warehouse 13 and Killjoys who’s stolen my heart). Story-wise, though, this is doing very little for me: it feels like a knock-off of few different political/lawyer soaps shoved into one, and I’m not really feeling much about this trailer. I might give this a shot, but I’d much rather Netflix just made me happy and picked up Agent Carter instead.

The Good Place

This looks kind of funny. I’m basically in love with Kristen Bell, and while this is no Veronica Mars, she made me laugh a few times here, so I could check it out. My main concern with this one is that . . . well, where does this show go? I could maybe see watching it for a season, but beyond that, how do you keep it from just being the same thing over and over again? There’s really only so many times I can watch Kristen Bell do something hilariously naughty and slowly learn some kind of moral lesson, only to forget anything she’s learned again the next episode. I might give it a shot for her, but this story almost seems like it’d be better suited for a movie or mini-series, rather than a TV show. (Unless it goes to really surprising metaphysical places–but I’m thinking that’s unlikely for an NBC comedy.)

PASS

MacGyver

This is a pass, but it’s a light pass. If I heard a bunch of great reviews praising it for being a fun and silly good time, I’d probably check it out. The trailer just doesn’t really excite me, like, I’m all about using a hose and some gum and, say, a matchstick to make something that goes boom, but I generally need a little more than that to invest in a TV show, even a procedural, and right now it seems like that’s basically all there is.  Generally, I’m looking for great banter (this is okay) or awesome character dynamics (meh) or really exciting world building (ha), and I’m not quite feeling that. I was pleasantly surprised that George Eads is in this, but right now he and Lucas Till just aren’t big enough draws for me, and as I never watched the original, I don’t have nostalgia working for me, either.

Time After Time

I told you guys: time travel is in this year.

This one (surprisingly based on a book, which was actually already adapted into a movie back in 1979) has a gloriously cheesy premise: H.G. Wells unwittingly befriends Jack the Ripper. Jack the Ripper steals H.G. Wells’s time machine and heads into the future, and H.G. Wells pursues. It’s ludicrous and dumb and could be a fun WTF watch, but I’m just not feeling the trailer enough. Maybe if Jaime Murray was H.G. Wells instead. This just doesn’t quite have the charm that, say, the first season of Sleepy Hollow did, and I’m giving it a couple of months before it gets cancelled.

(Holy shit, the 1979 movie had Malcolm McDowell, David Warner, and Mary Steenburgen? I feel like I might have to actually watch that at some point.)

Designated Survivor

The whole idea of the one random government schmo who doesn’t get to go to the State of the Union because someone might blow it up has interested me since I first learned about it in The West Wing. Regardless, this show doesn’t quite look like my jam. While it’s nice to see Kiefer Sutherland playing someone other than a special agent killing machine, I’m kind of expecting this to espouse a ‘the best president is just the little guy, a real MAN OF THE PEOPLE’ philosophy that I expect will get boring fast. Plus, he’ll probably somehow still manage to punch someone in the face. And I don’t trust the wife at all.

The Exorcist

Meh. I’m mostly interested in this one because Alfonso Herrera won my heart as Hernando in Sense8 . . . but I think I’d rather just watch him in the second season of that. This isn’t the worst trailer I’ve ever seen, but it doesn’t feel very atmospheric or creepy to me, and I’m not quite sure how they’re planning to turn it into a TV show–because a dude trying and failing to exorcise the same person over the course of five years could get rather dull. Perhaps the priests will visit a new family every season, or maybe the show will morph into more of a ‘demons are taking over the whole town’ or ‘stop the apocalypse!’ type of show. I could check it out, but I have no real plans to unless I hear absolutely stellar reviews.

24: Legacy

On one hand, I like that this story is about someone other than Jack Bauer, and the MC’s girlfriend looks like she isn’t entirely useless, so that’s good. Plus, Miranda Otto in a command position! I could totally watch that.

On the other hand, you know what we really don’t need in this country right now? Another show about Middle Eastern terrorists trying to destroy America.

Also, Jimmy Smits is evil, or else he’s dying before the end of the season. Calling it now.

Star

I tried out the trailer purely for Queen Latifah, but there’s just something about music industry stories that bores me to tears. I don’t even know what it is. I like music; I just don’t give a shit about the backstage drama or the perilous rise to fame or, well, pretty much any of it. Star has a diverse and interesting cast (Cinna! You made it!) but it just isn’t my kind of thing at all.

Downward Dog

Yeah, no. Even if I was interested in an entire TV show from a dog’s POV (which, no, that’s a five-minute short for me at best), oh my God, his mouth moves as he talks. No. No. I hate that.

OH MY GOD SET IT ON FIRE

This is Us

Yeah, that’s a big no.

As far as I can tell, this is just a show about a bunch of people who were born on the same day. Presumably, they’re all secretly connected in some way or will become connected over time, but right now it’s just days in the lives of a handful of people who share the same birthday. Obviously, that’s not my usual robots and explosions and blood-sucking vampires, but I could try to expand my horizons and check this one out . . . except that one of the characters is apparently a fat woman whose whole story arc/life seems to be about the fact she’s fat. There is not a single scene with her in it where her size  isn’t mentioned. She needs multiple post-its reminding her/scolding her not to eat the cake. She takes out her earrings before getting on the scale. Even her love life is about being a fat person dating a fat person. And I’m just . . . I’m beyond tired of this, that a person’s weight is the only thing that matters, that every facet of her life is about how heavy she is. I need more stories about fat people that aren’t about being fat.

Bull

I’ll admit, the trailer itself is just a straight pass for me, even if it bizarrely seems to tell you every single thing that happens in the pilot. And I’d like to be interested for the cast: I followed Michael Weatherly from Dark Angel to NCIS, and I’ve enjoyed Freddy Rodriguez too (especially in Planet Terror), but the synopsis of this one is just . . . blargh. First, it’s a show about Dr. Phil’s early career, and I don’t know which demographic that appeals to, but I’m sure as hell not in it. Dr. Phil is actually credited as a writer on this show, making it even weirder, especially since Bull’s character is actually described as “having a physicality and feral intelligence that make him magnetic to women and a bruising candor.” Er, ew? The whole thing is just one long squick fest of no thanks, not interested, please move along, move along.

And Finally . . . The Great Indoors

Oh, no. Oh, man. I didn’t think anything was going to be worse than Bull . . . but then I watched this. And I’m like, “Nooooo. No, Joel McHale, I like you so much.  Not you. Not YOU.” But guys, this looks awful. Here are the the only two lines I laughed at:

“You draw a parallel right now, and I will tear both of your arms off and beat you with them.”

“You die.”

That’s it. Those are the only jokes I laughed at in a sitcom trailer that’s over four minutes long. It turns out the entire workplace comedy is about making fun of millennials, how sensitive they are, how unrealistic, how they know nothing about real life and have made the whole damn world too PC. And I’m like, you know, I hear people whining about millennials a whole lot more than I actually hear millennials whine.

Now, full disclosure: I was born in 1985, so I’m in kind of a weird spot, generation-wise: often I get grouped with millennials, but sometimes I’m placed with whatever the hell generation came before them. (Generation Y? What are they even known for?) And I’m watching this trailer thinking, look, if I’m supposed to think emotional support animals are bullshit, or wish people would stop policing racist, sexist, and homophobic slurs, or rant about how the internet keeps people from experiencing the real world, as if I haven’t made at least half a dozen friends solely because of the internet . . . yeah, no. Sign me up to be an official millennial, folks, because this trailer was painful even without the laugh track. (Oh, yeah. There’s a laugh track. I thought those went extinct, like, ten years ago. Must have the millennial hope in me.)

That’s all for today. Which TV shows are you the most/least interested in?