Writing about the Oscars when I didn’t watch a) most of the movies nominated, or b) the ceremony itself feels a bit like being back in high school and writing essays for books I never read. (Look, I read most of them. Heart of Darkness absolutely didn’t happen, though. Sorry, Mr. Schaut.) But I’m still doing it cause . . . I don’t know, I wanna. I’m just saying, maybe don’t expect complicated, critical analysis from me this morning.
What I can offer you, however, are my arbitrary opinions about red carpet fashion!
1. No, seriously, you know I can’t resist a red carpet because I woke up an hour and a half early for this shit, and I don’t wake up early for anything if I can possibly avoid it. Besides, Mek and I have a tradition: I watch the livestream and email her all my various opinions while badly describing the dresses because I know basically nothing about clothes; I just like them.
An obvious trend on this carpet: pink, pink everywhere. Also, tulle. I do feel like I saw more men in interesting suits, which was cool. The Fashion Hall of Shame, however, is still packed full of people: Michael B. Jordan, Sam Rockwell, Paul Rudd, Viggo Mortensen, Bradley Cooper, Diego Luna, Adam Driver, Sam Elliott, James McCoy, Danny Glover, Henry Golding, and Peter Farrelly. Your suits are all needlessly boring, and it’s annoying you’re allowed to keep doing this.
Obviously, the only fashion commentary that matters to anyone is Genevieve Valentine’s, but for my money, here are some standout looks:
Billy Porter – OBVIOUSLY. This is the look of the fucking night. What else is there even to be said?
Danai Gurira – Initially, I wasn’t sure how I felt about the black fabric around the middle, but that gold looks exquisite on Gurira, and of course, her hair and makeup are fantastic.
Michelle Yeoh – I definitely wouldn’t pick this dress for myself (you know, if I had the opportunity to go on a red carpet, which I occasionally daydream about, even though I would literally hate everything about it), but Yeoh looks great in this. It’s all, like, magical and shit. Goddamn, I like her.
Melissa McCarthy – Oooh, yes. I get very excited about plus size looks that I actually like, and those pants with that cape and that neckline? Gorgeous. I absolutely would love to wear something like this.
Stephan James – Gotta love this red suit. It’s just awesome.
Regina King – Super classy, elegant, and simple. I like it a lot.
Gemma Chan – The thing is, I don’t actually like this dress all that much–it’s like a couture pink parachute–but Jesus Christ, does Gemma Chan work it, anyway. I am in awe of this.
Spike Lee – I wish my brain would be useful and let me think of Prince before I think of Jack Nicholson’s Joker. Nevertheless, I love this purple ensemble. And gold shoes, too!
Constance Wu – She looks goddamn divine. Not everyone can pull that yellow, but she absolutely can.
Amandla Stenberg – That flapper dress? That gorgeous braided updo? LOVE.
2. Eight films were nominated this year for Best Picture. I saw (and loved) exactly one of them: Black Panther. I seriously considered watching (and still would like to see) two others: The Favourite and BlacKkKlansman. I had some interest in Bohemian Rhapsody until I read about this. I had some interest in Green Book until I read about this and this and, well, basically all of this. I could watch Roma, though have no particular interest in the film. I could yawn my way through Vice, but the thing is, life is short. And while I’m well aware that people love A Star Is Born . . . look, a tragic romance about country musicians seems like the kind of thing they’ll put on endless loop for me in Hell, so. No.
When Green Book won, I think my entire Twitter feed spontaneously combusted in rage.
3. I wish I could be happy, at least, that Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse won for Best Animated Feature, and I am happy, only . . . I still haven’t seen the movie. I know. I know. I honestly can’t remember the last movie I saw in theater. I have brought shame to my house and to my future potential children.
4. I see Trump is being predictably Trump-like about Spike Lee’s speech. FFS.
5. Samuel L. Jackson’s reaction to Spike Lee is one of the best things ever. See also: Spike Lee literally jumping into Samuel L. Jackson’s arms and wrapping his legs around him. I am generally not here for RPF fanfic because I think there are serious boundary problems, but I can’t help but wonder how many slash RPF fics were born from this win.
6. Olivia Coleman is precious, and her speech definitely made me tear up. I really must watch The Favourite.
Okay, that’s it for me, folks. Mama needs some shuteye.
Well. Due to a need for sleep, serious time constraints, a liberal use of the fast-forward button, and a lengthy ceremony that resulted in my DVR stopping after Sam Smith won for a song that apparently no ones likes, I probably watched about 85% of the Red Carpet and maybe 45% of the actual Oscars.
My basic impressions:
1. I thought Chris Rock was a pretty good host. His opening monologue was very dark and uncomfortable at points, but overall it worked for me. I specifically liked the part where he joked about a Black Actors category and made a point that, really, we all know and just don’t talk about much: there’s no actual reason to split the acting categories between men and women, but we do it because if we didn’t, women would never get an equal number of nominations, partly because of stuffy white men voters but also because white men are just more likely to get the more interesting, meaty parts. But there’s nothing in the system that provides equal opportunity to PoC, and especially WoC, and that’s a problem.
Also, I kind of adored that Chris Rock brought the Girl Scouts to sell cookies to the stars. I mean, can you even imagine?
“Oh, I was in the Girl Scouts when I was a kid too! We learned to camp and braid hair. What did you do?”
“Oh, you know. Just sold Tagalongs and Thin Mints at the FUCKING OSCARS.”
My inner child weeps with envy. (Well, not really. I was a Girl Scout for, like, two minutes. I can’t even remember if we sold cookies at the Brownie level.)
Meanwhile, my biggest complaints about Chris Rock as host:
1A. I wish he’d spent a little more time talking about Asian and Latino PoC too, because I don’t think #OscarsSoWhite was just about the exclusion of black people at the Academy Awards, you know? If it didn’t make it in the opening number, it should have definitely been brought up in at least one of the various in-between segments.
1B. The joke about the “Ask Women More” campaign annoyed me. Cause, sure, it’s true: no one spends a lot of time talking about men’s fashion on the Red Carpet since they all wear the same suit . . . but that’s because men are all allowed to wear the same suit. If two women wear near identical dresses? I mean, that becomes a Thing. Reese Witherspoon and Tina Fey were trending on Facebook Sunday night because they both wore similar shades of purple. And while men could easily get away with wearing the same tux three years in a row, if a woman ever repeated a dress? Seriously, it’d be a godamn scandal.
Despite knowing little about the industry, I love talking Red Carpet Fashion. I always have, probably always will, and don’t feel particularly guilty about it, either. But we can love sparkly clothes and still address hypocrisy in the system, can’t we? Besides, I don’t think anyone’s saying you can’t ask a woman what she’s wearing; you’re just supposed to ask her more, you know, like about her character or upcoming projects or basically any of the questions you’d ask a man.
2. As far as the awards themselves go . . . it will surely surprise none of you that I watched only two of the nine Best Picture nominees this year: Mad Max: Fury Road and The Martian, neither of which had any hope in hell of winning the big prize. Fury Road did clean up in the technical awards, though, taking everything except Cinematography and Visual Effects. I’m not actually bummed that it lost Best Picture (I love the movie and I’m glad it got nominated, but I don’t think it should have won, either), but I am kind of disappointed about Cinematography. Apparently The Revenant was a shoe-in because of its natural lighting and pretty landscapes and stuff, which is fine, I mean, I’m sure it’s a beautiful film. But the look of Fury Road, man. The cinematography in that film was gorgeous.
I thought The Revenant had it in the bag for Best Picture, but Spotlight actually took the final award. I’m of two minds about that. On one hand, I have far, far more interest in Spotlight than The Revenant, despite the fact that the latter has Tom Hardy. On the other hand, did Spotlight actually win anything else? Oh, okay, it did at least win Best Writing for Original Screenplay. That’s something, I guess, because when I read that Spotlight won, I was initially like “. . . you mean, the movie that didn’t get any acting, directing, or technical awards?”
3. Also, Leo finally won for his Oscar, which is cool I guess, but let’s be honest here: he’s only been trying to win one for 22 years. Sure, that sounds like a lot, but that’s nothing on Ennio Morricone, who’s first nomination was in 1979. I know he got an honorary Oscar about ten years ago, but come on, this guy deserved the real thing decades ago. (I’m actually kind of shocked that he never even got nominated for some of his most well-known, classic spaghetti western stuff. I mean, come on: The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly? Once Upon a Time in the West? I guess I just assumed that he did because these scores are the BEST.)
4. I know Brie Larson’s win was not exactly unexpected, but I’m glad for her anyway. I haven’t seen Room, so I can’t actually judge the performance, but I like the actress. She was wonderful in Short Term 12. Also, Scott Pilgrim vs The World.
I will always love you, Envy Adams.
5. Should there be an official Most Awkward Oscar Moment award? I think there should, and that it should be given to Stacey Dash this year. Agreed?
6. In general, the presenter’s jokes this year seemed pretty excruciating, Ryan Gosling and Russell Crowe’s bit, especially, oh my God. Louis C.K. was a notable exception, though. He cracked me up considerably. He also made the same Mad Max joke I did, albeit for a different award. (In retrospect, probably everyone made that joke while watching the ceremony. Eh, fuck it. Louis C.K. and I are on the same comedic wavelength!)
Also, even when the writing failed, some actors still managed to make up for it just by being pure awesome. The Jack Black punchline, for instance . . . pretty meh. It was a so-so joke, writing-wise. But the whole thing was hilarious because Angela Bassett’s delivery was perfect. You rock, Angela Bassett.
7. The nomination video reel for Best Sound Mixing (or was it editing, crap, I always get those confused) was pretty awesome. The same cannot be said for the Best Writing awards. Like, okay, example: The Big Short won for Best Adapted Screenplay, right? And I’m sure they have to try to pick excerpts that aren’t spoilers and all, but . . . maybe for a writing award, don’t go with a ten second clip where Christian Bale rage-drums for seven seconds, and his wife’s like, “You okay?” and he’s like “Yep” and she’s like, “You sure?” and he’s like “Yep.” I haven’t seen The Big Short, it’s true, but I believe with all my heart that there were better clips of that movie you could have used to portray the film’s excellent script
8. I knew it was coming, I knew, and yet . . . the second I heard Alan Rickman’s magnificent voice when he appeared on the In Memoriam section, I instantly teared up. Godamn it.
9. Finally, fashion.
MY FAVORITES:
Rooney Mara
Apparently, I just have a thing for the elegant lace doily look. This isn’t shocking: I’m all about creepy dolls. But really, I think this is gorgeous. I would wear the hell out of it, if I could. (Or rather, if it was in my size and I felt comfortable in it, a big hell no on both accounts.) I really like the bottom of the dress, and the little diamond cut-out in the middle. Also, she’s basically got the Academy Award version of Rey hair, which is clearly awesome.
Charlize Theron
Oh, this is just nice. Red and sleek and the deep-V works.
Naomi Watts You know, this one normally wouldn’t be quite to my taste–it’s very, very shiny for me–but I actually rather like it on Naomi Watts. I love her hair with it, too.
Orlando Jones
This is gold and a little ostentatious and, honestly, I kind of love it. Nice to be interested in men’s fashion, for once.
MOSTLY LIKE:
Lady Gaga
I kind of love this, but I feel like something’s not quite right with the hips, like, they’re structured but maybe I wanted them to be a little bigger, flare out a little more? I don’t know quite how to describe it. But it’s a lot of fun, and I adore the pants so much.
Cate Blanchett
I shouldn’t like this dress. This is the exact opposite of everything I generally go for, but somehow Cate Blanchett makes it work. She’s like a fairy queen. The silhouette is lovely. Still, I couldn’t quite put it in my favorites, mostly because I like it better from a medium distance. I’m not as crazy about it when I see a close-up on the shoulders.
Kerry Washington
The neckline doesn’t quite work for me. It seems a little asymmetrical, but not in a way I like? Still, I love this black leather top and white skirt together, and it’s totally different from what anyone else is wearing.
Kate Winslet
I like this. It’s definitely an unusual material, which mostly works for me, although in some shots the extra-shininess of the fabric looked a little off? I don’t know. I mostly liked it, except for when I didn’t. But my God, she looks stunning. (Also, I’m not much of a Titanic fan, and even I saw these pictures of her and Leonardo DiCaprio, and was like, Aw, that’s kind of nice.)
Kevin Hart
I kind of wish the shiny stuff was just at the pockets and the bottom of the jacket instead of lining the whole thing, but regardless, it was actually different and kind of fun, so I’m mostly for it.
Jared Leto
I love the red lining on this suit. I’m not crazy about the size of that flower in place of a bow tie–my God, flowers were in this year–but once again, this is at least different.
Jennifer Jason Leigh
Yeah, I just don’t really like much about this. It’s a little too much pale pink for my tastes, and I don’t love the seashell boobs or the pink tufts all around the dress.
Honestly, the Oscars were pretty boring this year. But let’s talk a little about them, anyway.
1. There were basically no surprises of any kind. If you participate in any kind of Oscar pool, I suspect it mostly came down to guessing about the movies you’ve never heard of in categories like Best Documentary Short. Otherwise, everyone who you expected to win probably did, even in the Best Supporting categories, which is where award ceremonies typically like to throw curveballs.
I’m starting to wish the Oscars began the award season instead of closing it out. I get why that’s not the case, but by the time the Golden Globes and the SAGs and the DGAs and the BAFTAs and every other ceremony are over, it’s not hard to guess who’s going to win the “big” awards, or at least have narrowed each race to, at most, two possibilities.
2. I’m also beginning to wish we got rid of the host altogether, or at least severely limited the role.
The thing is, I normally like Ellen. I don’t watch her show on a regular basis — please, I use daylight hours for sleeping — but if she’s interviewing a guest star I like, I enjoy watching those interviews on Youtube. They always seem fresh and easy-going and funny, so I had some hope for her hosting here. But it . . . didn’t seem to go well. Which is to say, it went long. So. LONG.
I don’t actually need all my comedy to be sharp and edgy, but I do want, you know, funny. And while I laughed a few times during the ceremony — I did like the gigantic, Twitter-killing selfie — mostly I just cringed at all the random/awkward stuff. Like, the pizza bit. Oh, the pizza bit. That went on forever.
Amy Poehler and Tina Fey continue to be my favorite award show hosts ever, but since I know they probably can’t host every show . . . maybe Key and Peele, 2015?
3. Perhaps “Let it Go” will strike a chord in me when I actually see Frozen and have some context for the song, but as is, my reaction continues to be *shrug*. I’m not saying Idina Menzel — or Adele Dazim, apparently — isn’t hugely talented because of course she is. But from the way my Facebook exploded last night, you’d have thought God just walked up on stage and started singing, I don’t know, “Amazing Grace” or something, and for me “Let it Go” just sounds like another typical Disney ballad. It’s not bad; I just don’t really care. (More than I care about U2, though. I can’t even pretend to get it — that song is so BORING. Rock stars, my ass.)
I knew she didn’t have a shot in hell, but personally, I was pulling for Karen O. I think “The Moon Song” is lovely, and I really enjoyed the simplicity of the performance.
4. Per usual, I can’t comment on who should have won this or who shouldn’t have won that because I haven’t seen the majority of the nominated films yet. In fact, I’ve only seen Gravity so far. While I’m sad that Sandra Bullock wasn’t a bigger contender in the race — it was basically Cate Blanchett all the way, with a small possibility that Amy Adams could upset — I am happy that Gravity won all the technical awards because, you know. OF COURSE THEY DID.
About Cate Blanchett’s acceptance speech — I was of two minds about it. I really liked the part about women and women-led stories making money, but . . . did anyone else feel uncomfortable when she thanked Woody Allen? Cause I kind of did.
5. Finally, let’s just get to the good stuff, shall we?
1. While I really would have preferred Tina Fey and Amy Poehler, Seth MacFarlane wasn’t as bad of a host as I was expecting. Not every joke landed, but I thought a decent number of them did, and anyway, it would have been very hard to be a worst host than this guy:
2. That being said, the ceremony itself? Way too long. I had to record the program and fast-forward through half a dozen things so that I could get to work on time, and it still seemed to drag. The opening act wasn’t terrible, but how long did it go for? Twenty minutes? Thirty? Frankly, I don’t know how many people would actually be upset if we cut the opening portion of the show entirely, but if we just have to do it — can’t we take a cue from SNL and keep it around the three minute mark? Five if you must.
3. There weren’t a ton of huge surprises here — personally, I think the biggest one was Ang Lee winning over Spielberg for Best Director. (I don’t much care. I haven’t seen either of the movies — per usual, I haven’t seen most of the nominated movies because I’m a failure.) But I did like that the awards were fairly spread out — Argo got Best Picture, Editing, and Adapted Screenplay, Life of Pi got Best Director, Cinematography, and Original Score, Django Unchained got Best Supporting Actor and Best Original Screenplay, Silver Linings Playbook got Best Actress, etc. I think the only Best Picture Nominee that was completely shut out of EVERYTHING was Beasts of the Southern Wild.
4. Quvenzhané Wallis looked adorable, though.
Sometimes, I think people make a little too big of a deal about age appropriate dresses — particularly with older actresses — but this makes total sense for a little girl. It’s this whole tiny elegant dress, but she’s wearing no makeup and she has a little puppy purse with her. It’s perfect.
Other Best Dressed Actresses . . .
Jennifer Lawrence:
If I could — which I can’t — I would totally wear something like this.
Jessica Chastain:
This dress probably should have washed her out but didn’t. It’s a total Oscar dress and looks great on her.
Charlize Theron:
I feel like I might have liked this a tiny bit better if her hair was dark, but I still think it looks really good on her. Any bitch who can actually pull off a peplum . . . ugh.
Zoe Saldana:
I feel like I shouldn’t like this — it’s definitely unusual and it’s got a lot going on — but I don’t know. I think Zoe Saldana rocks it anyway.
5. On the other hand, some worst dressed stars . . .
Anne Hathaway:
The shape of the dress isn’t so bad, but it makes her boobs look funny, and it’s hard to really notice anything but her nipples.
Kerry Washington:
Everyone seems to love this dress, but . . . I just think that top is kind of ugly.
Jennifer Hudson:
I don’t know if there’s a right way to do a blue fish scale dress, but this wasn’t it. It just looks kind of Vegas tacky to me.
Nicole Kidman:
I am not a big fan of sequins AT ALL, but I might have been able to get over the top of this dress. . . and then I saw the bottom.
Jennifer Garner:
This is a gorgeous color, but what the hell is all that foofy shit on the back? It’s awful.
6. You know I do kind of like the idea of the Oscars having a theme, specifically one where they celebrate a different genre of film each year. (I would particularly like it if they made a real tribute to horror, not that bullshit montage they did a few years ago where they highlighted some of the worst horror movies ever — plus Twilight — because some A-listers had once been in them.) But still, I don’t think the celebration of musicals really worked all that well here. The whole show felt a little awkwardly patched together for some reason.
7. I forgot to mention — there was actually a tie this year for Sound Editing. I don’t know if I’ve ever even seen a tie at the Oscars before.
8. Finally, my biggest disappointments of the night are all because of Life of Pi, naturally. I was really rooting for Roger Deakins to win Best Cinematography for Skyfall — how has this man NEVER won an Oscar? It’s unbelievable. But it’s the Visual Effects one that really annoys the hell out of me.
It’s okay, Hulk. Don’t be sad. I still love you, even if the Academy doesn’t.
There will be no new poll today. I’m cranky for various different reasons, and I don’t have a good question handy, so I’m not going to bother with it. However, I do have poll results from last week. The Worst Best Picture Travesty?
Saving Private Ryan loses to Shakespeare in Love.
I have to say I agree with this one whole heartedly. Saving Private Ryan is not my favorite movie on this list, but it’s certainly an excellent film, and the fact that it lost to Shakespeare in Love . . . SHAKESPEARE IN LOVE . . . is just the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard. This makes no sense to me at all.
In a very close second place: Fargo loses to The English Patient. I can’t say I have much opinion about this one way or the other. I’ve never seen The English Patient, and I didn’t much care for Fargo on the first viewing—although I may try it again at some point and see if I warm up to it.
And in a very close third place: The Shawshank Redemption loses to Forrest Gump.
I think Forrest Gump is an okay movie—I definitely think Gary Sinise is the best part of that film—but I don’t think it deserved to win over The Shawshank Redemption or, for that matter, Pulp Fiction. (It’s not on the list because I only wanted to pick one travesty per year.) But even though I like The Shawshank Redemption more than, say, Saving Private Ryan, the fact that it lost to Forrest Gump doesn’t wound my SOUL the way that Shakespeare in Love‘s victory does.
Travesties (or supposed travesties) that were not voted upon at all:
Avatar loses to Chicago. Traffic loses to Gladiator. The Pianist loses to Chicago. The Social Network loses to The King’s Speech.
I don’t have opinions on most of these, either because I haven’t seen all the films in question or because I just don’t really care much about either movie. I can say, however, that even without having seen The Hurt Locker, I’m extremely glad Avatar didn’t win. It’s not a terrible movie, but people, please. The only thing that’s special about it is the visual effects. That’s not enough to make it a Best Picture winner.
Although at least it managed to get more nominations than this movie:
Seriously. Shouldn’t a Best Pic nominee have something else going for it besides Max Von Sydow?
1. Billy Crystal has hosted the Academy Awards nine times now and, well, perhaps that’s not such a good thing.
I laughed at a couple of jokes, I guess, but not very many of them. At least 90% of the material felt tired and flat, and I literally yawned through the Billy-Crystal-inserts-himself-into-the-Best-Picture-nominees opener. You know, it was funny the first, what, three times maybe? After that, it’s time to find a new shtick.
Although. Billy Crystal was still better than Anne Hathaway and James Franco last year. Pretty much anyone would have been.
2. I’m a bit ashamed to say I haven’t seen any of the Best Picture nominees this year, not one. (And I’m pretty interested in Hugo and The Artist, too. I just never got around to seeing them. I’m also somewhat interested in The Descendants and Midnight in Paris, and you’ll have to force me at gunpoint to watch War Horse or Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close.)
So, if you want on opinion on whether The Artist deserved to win over, say, The Help? Yeah, I can’t give that to you. I can ask . . . how in the hell did Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close even get nominated for Best Picture? Yeah, I didn’t see the movie, but it only got one other nomination, one, for Best Supporting Actor. It apparently wasn’t worthy of a nod for directing, lead acting, screenwriting, cinematography, editing, costuming, or sound mixing, but it managed a Best Picture nomination? What?
3. All in all, there really weren’t any big surprises this year. A lot of magazines and websites I looked at were insisting that George Clooney was the front runner, so I felt vindicated when Jean Dujardin won. HA! I was right!
4. I still can’t believe there were only two nominees for Best Original Song. Well, congrats, I guess, Bret McKenzie and The Muppets. You overcame fierce odds.
5. Fashion at any award ceremony is fun to look at. My own personal favorite?
Runners Up? Cameron Diaz, Angelina Jolie, and Rooney Mara.
Now as for worst . . . I have to give that to Melissa Leo.
Ugh. Runners up: Missi Pyle, Viola Davis, and Anna Faris.
6. The Cirque du Soleil performance was a bit random, I suppose, but since it was also one of the only interesting parts of the Oscars, I was cool with it.
7. Best Presenter? Chris Rock. The animation bit was hilarious. Second best? Emma Stone. Her thing with Ben Stiller was okay . . . he seemed kind of awkward to me . . . but I like the way she commits.
8. Best Speech: Christopher Plummer
“Only two years older than me, darling. Where have you been all my life?”
Love.
Runner up for Best Speech:
Less because it was particularly eloquent and more because it was sweet and seemed honest. (Although a speech like this is exactly the reason I would write something out ahead of time, whether I thought I was going to win or not . . . you know, in the exceptionally unlikely event that I am ever nominated for an Academy Award. I would be a blubbering mess. There’s no point in denying it. Tears, tears everywhere.)
9. It’s one thing to play someone off the stage. It’s quite something else to completely turn off a winner’s mic. Academy, you bastards.
10. Finally, there was a movie montage very early in the ceremony. I’m a sucker for a good movie montage, so I was pretty happy . . . until I saw the, er, progression of said montage. We went from Forrest Gump (Best Picture Winner) to Titanic (Best Picture Winner) to . . . Twilight: Breaking Dawn, Part One (wait, WHAT?).
Sometimes, Academy, it’s really hard to take you seriously.
My Geek Blasphemy 