TV Superlatives – June, July, August – 2022 – PART II

Hello again! It’s time to dive back into TV Superlatives, this time with ALL THE SPOILERS. (You can check out Part I if you missed it.) Here’s a quick reminder of all the shows I’ve been watching this summer:

Obi-Wan Kenobi
Another
Floor is Lava (Season 2)
Last Week Tonight (Season 9, Episodes 13- 22)
Running Man (Episodes 63-75 and 606-618)
Star Trek: Strange New Worlds
Stranger Things (Season 4, Volumes 1 and 2)
Evil (Season 3)
Why Didn’t They Ask Evans?
Tomodachi Game
The Great Shaman Ga Doo Shim
Inspector Koo
Harley Quinn (Season 3, Episodes 1-7)
The Sandman
Soundtrack #1
Adamas (Episodes 1-10)
KinnPorsche (abandoned)
Baking Impossible (abandoned)
Resident Evil (abandoned)

Again, SPOILERS abound in this post. We’re gonna start off real light (the first award barely even counts as a spoiler, honestly) and then bounce straight into character deaths, so please do scroll with caution.

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TV Superlatives: June, July, August – 2022 – PART I

It’s that time again! Over summer, I watched a fair bit of television, definitely more than I managed during spring. Here’s a list of everything I’ve been watching, including the few shows I heartlessly abandoned for other things:

Obi-Wan Kenobi
Another
Floor is Lava (Season 2)
Last Week Tonight (Season 9, Episodes 13- 22)
Running Man (Episodes 63-75 and 606-618)
Star Trek: Strange New Worlds
Stranger Things (Season 4, Volumes 1 and 2)
Evil (Season 3)
Why Didn’t They Ask Evans?
Tomodachi Game
The Great Shaman Ga Doo Shim
Inspector Koo
Harley Quinn (Season 3, Episodes 1-7)
The Sandman
Soundtrack #1
Adamas (Episodes 1-10)
KinnPorsche (abandoned)
Baking Impossible (abandoned)
Resident Evil (abandoned)

A quick reminder for how these work: superlatives may be bestowed upon any show I’m watching, no matter whether said show is currently airing or not. This summer, I’m splitting my superlatives in half, so Part I is generally spoiler free; however, I may discuss events from past seasons. For example, I won’t spoil Season 4 of Stranger Things, but any major revelations from Seasons 1, 2, or 3 are totally fair game. Also, I allow ties. Get used to ties because there are gonna be a LOT of them.

Let’s begin, shall we?

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World’s Worst Trekkie: Plato’s Stepchildren, Wink of an Eye, and The Empath

“Plato’s Stepchildren”

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Oh shit, it’s this episode.

So, “Plato’s Stepchildren” is best known as the first time an interracial couple (or specifically, a white/Black couple) kissed on US television. Obviously, I’ve been waiting to see this episode, although it turns out I’ve been waiting to see “Plato’s Stepchildren” for different, less historic reasons, too. You see, I’ve often come across GIFs like this—

I Caanotttt Breathe Star Trek GIF - Find & Share on GIPHY

—and of course—

Star Trek Slapping GIF - Find & Share on GIPHY

—and wondered, Okay, what the hell is happening here? When am I gonna get to this what-the-fuckery? Well, folks. We’re here, and let me tell you, “Plato’s Stepchildren” is 99.5% what-the-fuckery.

Basically, it goes like this: the holy OT3 beam down to some planet in response to a distress call. They find the Platonians, a telekinetic and functionally immortal alien species who are, uh, followers of Plato, I guess? Sure, I’ll go with it. Their leader, Parmen, has been gravely injured from a small wound, as these people have never had to deal with sepsis before. Bones cures him, so yay! Unfortunately, these people are also total assholes, and they want Bones to stay behind forever in case of any other medical emergencies. Bones refuses, and thus we get roughly 40 minutes of Parmen trying to make Bones change his mind by humiliating Kirk and Spock, psychically forcing them to do all sorts of weird shit: sing, dance, hurt themselves, put on little plays, etc. The absolute most bizarre shit is when Parmen makes Alexander (their servant, a dwarf without any telekinetic abilities) jump on Kirk’s back as he crawls around, making whinny noises. Yes. This is a thing that ACTUALLY HAPPENED.

The kiss comes about because Parmen uses his mind powers to A) beam Uhura and Nurse Chapel down to the planet, and B) force Kirk to kiss Uhura and Spock to kiss Christine. So, it’s, uh. Not at all consensual from anyone involved, which is kind of a bummer for such a historic television moment. Although it’s still pretty awesome that William Shatner and Nichelle Nichols deliberately fucked up any of the non-smooch versions, so the studio had to use the kiss take. On a character level, though, Spock kissing Nurse Chapel is much more interesting because she’s had this crush on him for so long now, and she never imagined (or wanted) their first kiss being anything like this. Poor Nurse Chapel. I wish the episode bothered to check in with her again afterwards, but unsurprisingly, they do not. (Apparently, in the original script, Spock was supposed to kiss Uhura, but then William Shatner intervened. I find the tiny glimpses of Spock/Uhura in TOS fascinating, so I find this a little disappointing, too.)

Anyway, our OT3 discovers that the Platonians get their superpowers from their food supply. Bones quickly synthesizes similar chemicals, and Kirk overpowers Parmen. And . . . yeah, that’s about the whole episode. And, like, there are a few things I enjoy besides the historical significance of that kiss. Uhura has a very pretty dress. Spock pisses off an alien by guessing her age at 35. (I definitely felt this moment, having once angered a coworker by guessing her age correctly.) I enjoy Spock suffering from emotions that are psychically inflicted upon him, mostly because I’m a monster. And I really like Michael Dunn, who plays Alexander. The character is much more nuanced than I would’ve expected from TOS, has a whole emotional arc and everything, and Dunn plays the part well. But that Kirk-as-horse scene is pretty fucking painful, and also the writers apparently couldn’t resist throwing in one “little” joke by the end at Michael Dunn’s expense, which, UGH.

Mostly, though, the episode is just . . . plotless and weird. I can kinda see how it might’ve worked on paper, like, maybe they were conceiving it as a fun, cracky episode à la “I, Mudd.” In execution, unfortunately, it’s mostly just uncomfortable and strange.

Chief Asshat: Parmen, obviously

MVP: Definitely Alexander. I’m so happy he  lived!

Grade: Rocky Road

Line of the Episode: 

“The release of emotions, Mr. Spock, is what keeps us healthy. Emotionally healthy, that is.”
“That may be, Doctor. However, I have noted that the healthy release of emotion is frequently very unhealthy for those closest to you.”

“Wink of an Eye”

The Enterprise responds to a distress call; once again, it’s a trap. I feel like that’s been happening a lot lately? Anyway, our bad guys this time are the Scalosians. Years ago, due to a series of devastating environmental catastrophes and tons of radiation, the Scalosians somehow became accelerated in time, like, they’re basically just stuck in the Speed Force nonstop. They move so fast that they’re invisible to the human eye, and the only evidence of their presence is an occasional high-pitched, insect-like noise. The Scalosians (presumably, just the men) also became sterile, so now they abduct people into the Speed Force and use their captives as breeding stock to propagate their species. Only human bodies aren’t meant to live at accelerated speeds, so even the smallest bit of cellular damage will eventually rapidly age and kill those captives. This happens to the Red Shirt that helps sabotage the Enterprise.

Deela (Kathie Browne) is the Queen of the Scalosians, and she is easily the best part of this episode. She wants Kirk to be her baby daddy, so she doses his coffee with Speed Force accelerants—I was wondering why we had a yeoman for the first time in ages—and then proceeds to spend half the episode sexy flirting with him. And while I find Kirk a boring choice for this storyline, I will say that “Wink of an Eye” is one of the rare episodes where his flirting doesn’t creep me out, probably because both characters are clearly using one another to get what they want. While Deela genuinely likes Kirk (because he’s stubborn and feisty and “pretty”), she also never falls head over heels for him, either, as is typical on TOS.  She never stops seeing Kirk as a means to an end, and I enjoy that. Deela is a calm and confident villain: cool, amused, and utterly unapologetic for what she considers necessary to save her people. It’s refreshing to see, honestly. Also, I think she’s got some serious Natalie Dormer vibes. Obviously a plus.

On the downside: Deela’s Jealous Scalosian Dude is very dull, I sorta wish Kirk had fallen under Deela’s spell (they imply it’s an inevitable side effect, hence Red Shirt’s brief betrayal), some of the timing seems a bit off (Scotty gets stuck in the same spot for like 80 years?), and the ending is . . . not great? See, Bones figures out how to accelerate Spock’s speed so he can go rescue Kirk. Spock also has the cure (admittedly, experimental) to get everyone back to normal speed. He has every opportunity to tell the Scalosians this, too; instead, Spock says nothing as they beam our bad guys back to their planet where they’ll inevitably go extinct. Only then do Spock and Kirk take the cure, and like, yeah, these people are the villains, and Red Shirt deserves justice and all that, but . . . wow, our heroes don’t even try to help. Spock and Kirk are just like, “Well, too bad these people are doomed to isolated annihilation, I guess,” and fuck off to the nearest star system with their miracle cure in hand. It’s fucking weird.

Chief Asshat: I mean, I’m giving it to Kirk and Spock because of that ending. But admittedly, Rael the Jealous Lover is a bit of a pill, too.

MVP: Obviously Deela

Grade: Vanilla

Line of the Episode: Hm, difficult. Kirk has a pretty great line when he says, “I can think of nothing I’d rather do than stay with you . . . except stay alive,” which is an excellent example of correct priorities. Deela, too, has a number of quotes I enjoy, from introducing herself as “Deela, the enemy” to coolly telling Rael, “Allow me the dignity of liking the man I select.” Still, this one might be my actual favorite:

“Why?”
“Because I like you. Didn’t you guess? Or are you so accustomed to being kissed by invisible women?”

“The Empath”

On today’s adventure, our Holy OT3 beams down to some science colony that’s been observing a sun about to go supernova. The scientists are missing, though; all our heroes find is a truly comical level of dust before they quickly get abducted themselves, taken somewhere deep underground where they find a mysterious mute woman who they decide to name Gem. Gem is our titular empath, and she’s . . . not great. She makes a lot of weepy faces and melodramatic body gestures and is pretty much impossible to take seriously. It’s also hard to know how much Gem actually understands. She doesn’t make much effort to communicate, and it’s insinuated at one point that she might not understand human speech at all, but if she doesn’t even know why she’s here . . . well, we’ll get there.

Soon, a couple of alien doctors appear. They’re doing a series of experiments, most of which involve torturing our heroes. Kirk, who gets tortured first, is told he can decide who will go next: Bones or Spock. Bones takes the choice out of his hands when he sneak-sedates Kirk, then quickly does the same thing to Spock and volunteers himself for almost guaranteed death. And indeed, Bones is in rough shape after his torture. His only chance of survival is Gem, who, as an empath, can also heal people, I guess? It does hurt her, though, and it’s unclear if such a serious healing could potentially kill her. But it turns out that’s the whole point of this experiment: to see if Gem will willingly risk her own life to save another.

See, the doctors have the power to save only one planet in this dying solar system. They’re considering saving Gem’s world, but only if she proves that her people are worthy of being rescued. Gem heals Bones, a little, but is too frightened to finish the job. She does go back, though, only this time Bones stops her, not willing to be saved if it means she might die. Spock argues that her offer should be enough to call the experiment a success, and Kirk accuses the doctors of being all intellect, no heart. (UGH). Eventually, the doctors agree—or at least, they agree to heal Bones. Gem and her planet’s fate are left a bit more ambiguous. One of the doctors scoops up the unconscious woman in his arms, and they all disappear.

And like, okay. Number one: can you imagine our entire planet depending on one asshole proving he’s a selfless person? What if the aliens abducted Elon Musk? Donald Trump? Your shitty coworker who clearly learned nothing at sexual harassment training? How are we possibly judging an entire species on a sample size of one? And for that matter, what happens if Gem does fail her worthiness test? Are we giving similar tests to other people in this system?  Remember, we’ve been presumably testing Gem for at least 3 months, considering that’s when the first scientists were taken. Could we maybe use this time more productively, like, IDK, figuring out a way to save more people? (Not to mention, the aliens insist that the scientists only died because of their own fears and imperfections, which, uh. Is that supposed to imply that these dudes weren’t as noble and self-sacrificing as our heroes, and thus Gem couldn’t learn from them? Cause one way or another, I’m pretty sure the scientists actually died from, you know. Torture.)

ALSO. Does Gem even understand that her people are depending on her willingness to become a martyr? Because we’ve been pretty unclear about how much language she comprehends in this episode. And whether or not she does understand, are we really condemning Gem as a shitty person just because she’s afraid to sacrifice her life to save three dudes she’s known for approximately 15 minutes? PLUS, are we really supposed to be okay with the fact that Gem’s been abducted and emotionally tortured for months just because these docs have ultimately good intentions? She doesn’t even go free at the end of the episode, at least not that we can verify! EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS WHOLE EXPERIMENT VEXES ME SO MUCH.

On the plus side, “The Empath” is basically someone’s H/C fanfic becoming canon, which I personally think is pretty great. Also, Bones gets to say, “I’m a doctor, not a coal miner,” and at one point, William Shatner has to move like he’s in slow motion, and that shit is hysterical. It so, so bad. So. Not a total loss, I guess?

Chief Asshat: Obviously, the alien doctors. They SUCK.

MVP: Bones. He’s a sneaky, heroic motherfucker.

Grade: Rocky Road

Line of the Episode: 

“Why did you let him do it?”
“I was convinced in the same way you were, Captain: by the good doctor’s hypo.”

Triple Scoop Review: Much Ado About Nothing, Hell Fest, and Space Sweepers

Much Ado About Nothing

Year: 1993
Director: Kenneth Branagh
First Watch or Rewatch: Rewatch
Amazon, Netflix, Hulu, or Other: Amazon
Spoilers: Bitches, please, this story is literally over 400 years old
Grade: Chocolate

I grew up on this movie, like, Much Ado is some formative shit, and I absolutely love it to pieces, despite some of the, ah, questionable acting. It’s not just Keanu Reeves, either, although I can’t say this is his finest hour. (Too bad, too; I’d really love to hear someone nail that whole “I cannot hide what I am” speech.) Robert Sean Leonard is also . . . not great, like admittedly, Claudio is the actual worst? Still, dude’s pretty hard to take seriously. And Michael Keaton, just, what? WHY? Branagh, why didn’t you stop this?

However, I love Emma Thompson as Beatrice; oh, she’s so good, and her scenes with Kenneth Branagh are magic. I also kinda adore Denzel Washington here, who I rarely see in comedies and just seems to be having a delightful time . . . and yes, he does rock those leather pants quite nicely, thank you. (I highly approve of Shakespearian men in leather pants, and have since I saw a production of Romeo & Juliet where Mercutio, dancing around without a shirt, was even more enjoyable than usual.) I’m fond of Richard Briers as Leonato, too, whose hilariously nonchalant delivery makes “she does indeed, my daughter says so” my favorite line in the whole movie. (This entire scene is pretty great, honestly, and is actually where I think RSL does his best work. The comedic overacting is perfect. It’s the dramatic bits I don’t quite buy.)

Gosh, there’s so much to discuss with Much Ado. Like butts. If there was an award for The Most Ass Shots in A Shakespearian Adaptation, it would go to this movie, hands down. (Pleasantly, we get equal opportunity ass shots. It’s not just the ladies for once!) I’d also like to mention that while the cast is overall very white, I do love that Denzel and Keanu are brothers, and no one awkwardly inserts some forced exposition about it; they’re just enemy-bros and that’s that. I like many actors in the supporting cast, too. I’m always here for Brian Blessed and his absurdly deep voice, and I’m never gonna say no to Imelda Staunton, either–although Margaret’s a much more interesting character in the play, which is a hill that I will die on. And hell, how did I go all these years without realizing that Emma Thompson’s mom plays Ursula. It’s so obvious once you know.

Finally, a few things: A) Let’s be real here: that friar is sketchy as hell. B) Leonato seems like a pretty good dude, that is, until he’s all “I shall not suffer a slut to live.” Seriously. Fuck this guy. C) Claudio can’t even be bothered to sing his own goddamned lament. He straight up has that one random singer dude lament for him, ugh, Claudio is THE WORST. And D) In the end, everyone happily dances around except Don Pedro, presumably because he’s the only single dude left? Bullshit. Bullshit to that whole idea idea, but also, bullshit to anyone picking Robert Sean Leonard and Kenneth Branagh over Denzel Washington. (I have to admit, much as I ship Beatrice/Benedick–and I very much do–there’s a part of me that’s always wondered what a Beatrice/Don Pedro ship might’ve been like. I’d read that rare pair fanfic.)

Hell Fest

Year: 2018
Director: Gregory Plotkin
First Watch or Rewatch: First Watch
Amazon, Netflix, Hulu, or Other: Netflix
Spoilers: Yep, sorry
Grade: Strawberry

This was our Bloody Hearts pick of 2021, and despite the film’s dismal reviews, I think it’s a pretty decent slasher. Admittedly, it doesn’t have the best start. The acting in the opening scene is, yeah, not stellar. Also, the Killer’s habit of humming “Pop Goes the Weasel” gets real old real quick. But the main cast is pretty likable. I am, of course, primarily here for Bex Taylor Klaus–and the Tony Todd cameo, obviously–but all the actors have good chemistry with one another, and there’s a lot of easy banter back and forth, which I very much enjoyed. Also, Mek and I definitely wanna go to this amusement park. Sans the murderer, preferably, but otherwise, this place looks pretty great. Well. Okay. While I’d absolutely love to go on an actual haunted house ride (especially if it “broke down” halfway through, YES), I’d sadly have to skip this one, as I won’t do haunted houses where people get to touch me. I don’t even want most people I know to touch me. I am, and forever will be, this GIF.

It’s great that the love interest dies first. Partially because it’s surprising, partially because that mallet to the face hurts me, and partially cause this guy makes absolutely terrible choices, and I feel little pity for him. (Come on. Who goes back to steal a stuffed toy just cause you can’t win one? I promise you, dude, your girl doesn’t give two shits whether you’re good at carnival games or not, and your fragile sense of masculinity is an impressively stupid reason to risk being arrested.) I love, too, that both our final girl, Natalie, and her BFF Brooke make it out alive. Brooke’s survival is especially awesome, as she’s both the MC’s BFF and the only Black actor in the main cast. These are extremely bad odds in a slasher; I’ve got Brandy surviving I Still Know What You Did Last Summer in 1998, and . . . that’s about it. I only wish that Taylor also survived because I adore Bex Taylor Klaus so much, and they’re awfully fun in this film. Still. Such is life.

Final, random thoughts: I kinda like that Natalie doesn’t have some stereotypical ‘dead mom or other trauma’ backstory to explain why she’s been distant; life’s just a Lot and people get busy, and that’s fine. I really like the ending, too, how we don’t get the usual last minute scare where our killer pops up in Spain or something; instead, he just goes home, adds to his serial killer trophy collection, and interacts with his cute little daughter, all of which is, TBH, much creepier. (Though, as an aside, I’m not sure exactly how Natalie is planning to get to Spain if scholarship money is currently a problem.) I’m not sure, admittedly, why Natalie and Brooke are just chilling outside one of the haunted houses at the end of the movie, presumably still bleeding, while the killer is on the loose, like, maybe we should get them to a hospital under police escort ASAP cause, you know, there are limits to the usefulness of shock blankets. Otherwise, though, yeah, I found this one pretty enjoyable.

Space Sweepers

Year: 2021
Director: Jo Sung-hee
First Watch or Rewatch: First Watch
Amazon, Netflix, Hulu, or Other: Netflix
Spoilers: Only mildly
Grade: Vanilla

Space Sweepers is a lot of fun. I think, maybe, it could’ve been a bit shorter? And I feel like we might be stretching what can realistically be expected of nanotech, but also, I care not at all because seriously, FUN. I love the whole Victory crew, I love how wildly dysfunctional they all are, and I genuinely like how long it takes our protagonist, Tae-ho (Song Joong-ki) to fully get onboard with doing the right thing–but for reasons you get, not just, y’know, Asshole Reasons. I’m obsessed with Captain Jang’s whole aesthetic, I mean, damn. She’s great. Kot-nim is adorable. Tiger Park is kinda adorable, too, and of course, I adore Bubs, because I am always here for both A) sarcastic, money-hoarding robots and B) gender identity and expression in robots. Bubs is awesome.

Our villain is played by Richard Armitage, which is hilarious because I never recognize this guy, ever; my brain just refuses to lock in on his face. Mek will be like, “Hey, is that Richard Armitage?” and I’ll be like “WHAAAAT?” as if we haven’t had this exact same conversation twice before. I enjoyed the whole supporting cast, too, and the effort to really make this story feel international. Just in general, there are a ton of small moments that I loved: the makeup scene, Tae-ho and Tiger Park getting into a water fight, the fact that our heroes are just so hilariously bad at being criminals, etc.

I don’t think there are any plans to make a Space Sweepers sequel or spinoff or anything, and TBH, we don’t really need one. The movie stands fine on its own. Buuuuuut . . . you know. If someone were to do that, I’m just saying. I’d definitely watch another movie or television show in this verse.

Triple Scoop Reviews: The Witch: Part I – The Subversion, Death Bell, and Guns Akimbo

The Witch: Part I – The Subversion

Year: 2018
Director: Park Hoon Jung
First Watch or Rewatch: First Watch
Amazon, Netflix, Hulu, or Other: Netflix
Spoilers: Surprisingly, no
Grade: Chocolate

Oh, I really enjoyed this Korean SF/F action-horror movie. I confess to not totally getting the title (something lost in translation, perhaps), but the movie itself is a pretty good time. Kim Da Mi is excellent here as Goo Ja Yun, an amnesiac who ran away ten years ago from one of those evil government facilities that likes to experiment on children. (A very specific sub-genre I’m apparently a sucker for, considering Dark Angel, Stranger Things, The Pretender, etc.) I also like Go Min Shi, who plays Ja Yun’s excitable best friend, and Choi Woo Shik, who plays, well, Chaotic Evil. I very much enjoyed the latter’s work in Train to Busan and Parasite, but it wasn’t until I saw this movie that I realized, oh, he’s not just talented; he’s hot. Lots of people try for smirky evil hot but only manage smirky obnoxious. Choi Woo Shik is not one of those people.

The Witch: Subversion – Part I has a slow, steady build with an explosive third act, and I’m looking forward to seeing a sequel. (I believe a trilogy is planned?) There are other things to talk about; unfortunately, they all include spoilers, and I’d prefer not to get into those now. But the movie is an awful lot of fun, and I’d highly recommend it to anyone who also enjoys a) this very specific sub-genre, and b) violence. Because there is most certainly violence. Obviously, I approve of this.

Death Bell

Year: 2008
Director: Chang
First Watch or Rewatch: First Watch
Amazon, Netflix, Hulu, or Other: Other – Youtube
Spoilers: Some. Mind the tags, in particular
Grade: Strawberry

This is apparently a hugely popular horror film in South Korea and was fun enough to watch, but ultimately, I’m pretty meh on the actual execution. I’m all about the basic setup, of course: a group of kids (and teachers) are trapped at a high school and forced to successfully solve a series of test questions, or else their classmates will be violently murdered. I like the idea of the bad guys here and their respective motives. I’d genuinely like to see this film remade by a different director with a better script.

But as is, I have several problems, like, almost none of the death traps work for me, not just because they’re such obvious Saw knock-offs, but because they’re way too elaborate and ridiculous to fit the actual scenario. (Some people are quick to accuse a horror movie of being a Saw knock-off just because its exceptionally violent and/or includes death traps, but these ones really do lack originality.) There is both a human and supernatural angle to this story; unfortunately, the supernatural stuff mostly feels mishandled. The last minute twist seems particularly cheap because it doesn’t feel supported by the actor’s performance at all–though it does, I suppose, at least make another character’s whole storyline less random in retrospect. (Still not terribly fond of it, TBH.)

Additionally, two quick notes: one, I’m all about horror movies acknowledging that girls have periods–seriously, I am all for it–but this mostly felt like an excuse for a weird upper thigh shot, so, eh? And two, any sympathy I might have had for one character completely goes out the window the second she realizes that everyone around her has mysteriously passed out and decides that this is a great time to put on her headphones, alone, in the middle of a school where multiple people have been murdered. I. You. What. WHY?!?!?!

Guns Akimbo

Year: 2020
Director: Jason Lei Howden
First Watch or Rewatch: First Watch
Amazon, Netflix, Hulu, or Other: Amazon
Spoilers: Not really
Grade: Vanilla

There’s a lot to like here, especially if you’re into over-the-top, gonzo action flicks like me, but there are also things that don’t quite land. For one, I’m not sure I’m totally buying our Big Bad; Ned Dennehy is okay in the role, but I feel like other actors could’ve done more with it. Neal McDonough, for instance, was made for this kind of villain. Also might’ve enjoyed Clancy Brown, who Mek suggested for some punk Highlander vibes. More importantly, though, Guns Akimbo has this weird tendency to throw in a moral now and then that just doesn’t work. Like when Miles (Daniel Radcliffe) wonders how long it’s been since he went outside without staring at his phone, and I’m like, bitch, that’s some weak tea satire; are you actually mistaking that for an original perspective, and anyway, who the hell is thinking “gosh, I wish I’d stopped to smell the roses” when they’re stumbling around after waking up with gun hands? I feel, too, that there’s a small but annoying thread of “anti PC culture” running throughout the film, an impression that only seems validated after remembering the controversy around director Jason Lei Howden. Yikes.

All that being said, I could watch Daniel Radcliffe and Samara Weaving in this all day. They’re both great here: Radcliffe has some absolutely phenomenal reactions–I am so down for all his absolutely bizarre post-HP projects–whereas Weaving is just as iconic here as she was in Ready or Not. She’s pretty fantastic in this, IMO. Not every bit of humor lands right (Rhys Darby’s character, sadly, feels like a series of punch down jokes, much as my Voltron geek girl heart hates to admit it), but a lot of the dialogue is genuinely hilarious; for example, I about died when Miles tried to cut off this cop’s tragic backstory. I like Nova (Natasha Liu Bordizzo), too; she doesn’t get much to do, unfortunately, but I did find her interesting. Also, Nerf Guy!

If you like the concept of Guns Akimbo, there’s a decent chance you’ll like the movie: there are some really fun fight scenes, amusing bits of meta humor, one or two solid surprise moments, and just a very enjoyable soundtrack. I’m actually glad I watched it; I just really wish I could tweak it some, too. And yeah, it’d also be nice if the writer/director didn’t entirely suck as a person.

Genderbent Wednesdays Presents MAVERICK

Happy Wednesday, everyone! It’s time to fulfill my second Clarion West Write-a-Thon reward, only this time, we’re doing things a little different. Huw–my friend, WaT sponsor, and unofficial Class President of CW 2012–asked for a genderbent essay, rather than a typical review. Kindly, he provided a whole list of films which I could choose from, and while several movies might have proven interesting, I simply couldn’t resist picking Maverick. I grew up on this film, after all, was 8 going on 9 when it first came out. Pretty sure it was my introduction to both Jodie Foster and James Garner, honestly. (Though not Mel Gibson. That was almost certainly Lethal Weapon.)

Anyway, thus far, I’ve really only examined action, suspense, and horror films for my Genderbent Wednesday reviews. Analyzing a western (okay, a western-comedy) and reimagining it with an almost entirely female cast?

Yep. I’m here for it. Let’s dive in, shall we?

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Year of Monsters: The Mummy

I adore The Mummy (1999). I adore The Mummy Returns. I do not adore The Mummy (2017) with Tom Cruise and Sofia Boutella, but to be fair, I only watched about ten minutes of it. Maybe it gets better. (It doesn’t get better. We all know it.)

Now it’s time to see where all these movies began.

May I present The Mummy (1932) with Boris Karloff and Zita Johann.

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World’s Worst Trekkie: Carlie Takes on “The Corbomite Maneuver”

I’ve been having a great time watching TOS with my sister, but I’ve also been a tiny bit disappointed that, overall, my reactions to most episodes have been somewhere between “meh” and “NO.” Not exactly shocked, mind; I know what a critical bastard I am, but still: I’m a nerd, and nerds are made for liking things. Going into this episode, I was really hoping to have more of a “hell yeah” reaction.

Luckily for me, “The Corbomite Maneuver” is easily my favorite episode since “The Naked Time.”

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“Our Big Foot’s Not Playing Games Anymore.”

Let me begin by telling you that Tom is a terrible person.

You may remember Tom, or you may not. I’ve mentioned him once or twice before on this blog. I used to think he was an okay sort of guy, maybe even a friend, despite the fact that he has all the absolute worst movie opinions. Recently, however, I’ve had to amend that statement. For Tom, you see, is the enemy, and I’ll tell you why: in a sudden, uncharacteristic, and unwanted fit of goodnatured-ness, I told Tom that I’d watch and review a movie for him, even that terrible Big Foot movie he was always talking about. He didn’t have to actually pick the Big Foot movie, mind you. He could have seen this as the charitable act of a co-worker and taken some small measure of mercy on me by picking literally anything else.

But of course, he did not do this. Instead, Tom bought Night of the Demon, had it gift-wrapped, and then sent it to my house. And last Friday, armed with neither nearly enough alcohol or sugar, Mekaela and I sat down and watched our early 80’s Big-Foot-Demon movie.

Damn you, Tom. Damn you to Hell.

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