Scandal – How to Woo a Lady Back into Your Arms

So, I stopped watching Scandal last season for multiple reasons (poorly handled rape subplots, characters suddenly making no sense, torture scenes featuring face licking, etc). But while clearing out my drafts folder, I found this entry that I’d forgotten I’d written, and I thought it might be kind of fun to post it now, despite the fact that the events I’m mercilessly mocking happened over almost a year ago, which means that approximately 27,006 twists have already taken place to make such a rant completely irrelevant.

Still. I’m considering creating a new feature on my blog, a deeply irregular series of How-to posts based on anytime a movie or television show (new or old) causes me to wonder, “Wait, that worked? WHY? HOW?” and quiver in rage until somebody pacifies me with chocolate. Also, this gives you something to read while I continue working on my Kiss Me Deadly review.

With that in mind . . .

SPOILER FOR “VERMONT IS FOR LOVERS, TOO” AND ALL PREVIOUS EPISODES OF SCANDAL:

grant1 olivia1

Are you having relationship problems? Maybe you’re unhappily married and your mistress doesn’t believe you’re ever going to divorce your wife. Maybe this situation is compounded by the fact that you’re the President of the United States. And maybe you once also shot down a commercial airplane under orders, and a passenger on that plane was your lover’s mother.

You might think that killing your girlfriend’s mom is the death knell of your relationship, but fear not! We know a way to mend those broken fences with just a few easy steps:

Fitzgerald Grant: Hey, I’m summoning you to this super secret house in the middle of nowhere. You really should have told me that your dad was an uber spy, but enough of that. Look at this awesome fireplace.

Oliva Pope: You killed my mother!

Fitzgerald Grant: Seriously, check out these curtains. Did I do a good job or what?

Olivia Pope: I don’t care about curtains! I don’t care about this house! You killed MY MOTHER!

Fitzgerald Grant: But I built this house for you. I built this house for the future I thought we might someday share.

Olivia Pope: . . . take me now. Take me hard. I love you so much.

And there you have it, folks. If you want your special ladyfriend to forget all about the terrible things you did, up to and including killing her mother, just build her a house. Oh, and be sure to mention all the bedrooms you’ve created for the potential children you two might have together. She will melt before you like butter.

Any woman would.

Next time on How-To: Arrow teaches us how to become a better superhero by not only letting a mass murderer responsible for the death of your best friend go free, but swearing to defend said murderer at all costs from the terribly powerful and particularly vindictive King of Super Assassins.