“Once Upon a Time, in a Shitty Little Town . . .”

In Casa Verde — otherwise known as the St. George household — we only have a few rules.

1. Bring chocolate.
2. Mock as if there will be no tomorrow.
3. Watch any Jeremy Renner movie that has absolutely no chance of being nominated for an Academy Award.

Case in point?

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Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters is silly and campy and hugely dumb sometimes. But I must say, it’s still not nearly as bad as I was expecting.

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“Let’s Just Say God Works Too Slowly.”

Last year, I watched and reviewed all of the live-action Batman films prior to watching The Dark Knight Rises. (I will almost certainly review all of the animated films at some point, too.) Mekaela — who I might remind you still wants to see The Wolverine, despite the eternal sadness that was The Last Stand and Origins — suggested I do the same with the X-Men films.

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I’m still not promising to watch The Wolverine, Mek. But here’s a look back at our first encounter with the glorious Mr. Hugh Jackman.

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“That’s Not A Plan. That’s a Shit Sandwich Without Bread.”

Many years ago, I watched the original Red Dawn. I know I did. I actually remember sitting down to watch it. And yet . . . and yet it’s like the entire experience was wiped from my mind, like something traumatic happened that my brain overwrote to protect itself. Aliens, I don’t know. The point is, it’s all gone.

At some point, I may revisit that past trauma. In the meantime, I decided to just watch the remake instead.

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This probably doesn’t come as a shock, I’m sure, but it’s not very good.

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“I Won’t Kill You, But I Don’t Have to Save You.”

Batman & Robin seemingly killed the franchise with just two words: Bat Nipples. But in 2005, Christopher Nolan managed to ressurect the dead.

While I have a couple of problems with it (I have a couple of problems with everything), it is easily a better film than its four predecessors—or five, if you’re including Adam West’s Batman. Almost anything’s better than that.

Except Batman & Robin, of course.

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