The Future’s So Bright We Gotta Wear . . . The Most Hideous Clothing Imaginable

World’s Worst Trekkie: Spock’s Brain, The Enterprise Incident, and The Paradise Syndrome

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Well, hello. It’s been a while, hasn’t it? It’s definitely been a while since I finished watching Season 2, but now that I’m back, I’m making a pledge: I’m finally, finally going to finish TOS by the end of 2022.

First, a quick reminder about my ratings system, which I changed last year. These are the new grades:

God-Tier – Chocolate Salted Caramel
Really Enjoyed This – Chocolate
Enjoyed This Okay – Vanilla
Technically Proficient, But Not My Thing – Strawberry
Well, I Liked SOME of It – Rocky Road
I Actively Disliked This Movie – Pistachio
I Could Not Finish This Movie – Mint Chocolate Chip

Obviously, this wasn’t initially intended for TV episodes, but to hell with it, right? Right. With that settled, let’s begin with the first three episodes of Season 3!

“Spock’s Brain”

Oh, yes. Yes, I’ve been waiting for this moment. “Spock’s Brain,” one of the most infamously awful episodes in all of Star Trek. (It’s also, FYI, been on my list of Silly Dream Cosplays for a while now. Maybe someday, DragonCon!) While I’ve seen a good chunk of this episode before, I’ve never actually watched it the whole way through, and . . . wow, it’s really bad, maybe even worse than I remembered.

The premise is gloriously, ridiculously bonkers: aliens steal Spock’s brain. Not his memories, not his sanity, not his considerable intellect. Aliens literally steal Spock’s brain right out of his skull. Thankfully, this procedure is so scientifically advanced that Spock can remain alive for 24 hours before all hope is lost. All Kirk has to do is track down the missing brain-thieves and get Spock’s grey matter back so that Bones can somehow figure out how to reinsert said grey matter without killing the patient. Easy-peasy. Also, lest you be under the false impression that perhaps Vulcans just aren’t as reliant on their brains as humans are, let me assure you the opposite is true: Vulcans somehow need their brains more. Let me also assure you that I am still laughing about this whole scene, not to mention any moment where our heroes make Spock’s brainless body walk around via remote, like he’s an actual goddamn toy.

Everything that follows is equally absurd but, unfortunately, not quite as fun. It turns out that our alien thief lives in a subterranean facility on a Stone Age planet with a bunch of other “childlike” women who aren’t intellectually capable of stealing anyone’s brain. Kara, the thief, was only able to do so with the help of this Magic Smart Helmet (AKA, The Teacher), which temporarily gives her all the ancient knowledge of the Builders. NGL, I can’t remember if the show ever explains who the Builders are. I’m just gonna assume they were some all-powerful alien species who, for reasons unknown, provided these ladies with both this facility and the Controller, which has been running this place for 10,000 years. Spock’s brain is supposed to be their replacement Controller; as you can imagine, Kirk has some Feelings about that.

Bones ends up wearing the Magic Smart Helmet so he can re-insert Spock’s brain—with a big assist from Spock himself, since the MSH’s powers unfortunately wear off mid-surgery. Spock supposedly goes back to normal (TBH, he actually seems uncharacteristically enthusiastic to me), Bones gripes that he should’ve kept Spock mute, and Kirk assures Kara that her people definitely won’t die without the Controller. No, they’ll just have to go live on the surface with all the cavemen dudes, and their society will evolve naturally as it should, rather than staying stagnant down here where they’ve been so pampered that their minds have literally atrophied or some shit. And like, far be it for me to demand that Kirk put the lives of these brain thieves over his boyfriend’s, but also, “Let’s take a bunch of women completely incapable of taking care of themselves and force them to live with a bunch of cavemen who’ve never seen a woman before” seems like . . . well, like the kind of lack of responsibility and foresight I’ve come to expect from Kirk’s command, honestly.

Chief Asshat: I mean. Kara does just hop aboard the Enterprise and steal Spock’s brain. That’s pretty rude.

MVP: Hm. I think I’ll give this one to Bones, although I do love how bitchy Spock can be even as a disembodied brain.

Grade: Rocky Road

Line of the Episode: “BRAIN AND BRAIN, what is BRAIN?!”

“The Enterprise Incident”

This trailer is a thing of beauty.

You know, I enjoyed this one. We begin with Kirk acting like an unreasonable dick—not entirely unprecedented—snapping at his crew, ordering the Enterprise to cross the Neutral Zone into Romulan territory, etc. Of course, they’re captured pretty much immediately, and Kirk and Spock beam over to the Romulan ship. The Romulan Commander (we never hear her name) interrogates them, and Spock quickly and accurately throws Kirk under the bus, admitting the captain’s been acting irrational lately and is alone responsible for the Enterprise’s actions. (Kirk responds by overacting, shouting, “I’LL KILL YOU, I’LL KILL YOU!” LOL.)

While Spock gets the wine and dine treatment, Kirk gets thrown into the brig, where he promptly launches himself into a forcefield. Bones beams over to treat him and helps the Commander confirm that Kirk isn’t fit for command. Kirk then attacks Spock, and Spock, surprised, unleashes the VULCAN DEATH GRIP, killing Kirk instantly. Whoops! Guess that’s over then! J/K, Spock and Kirk are on a secret mission to steal the Romulan’s cloaking device. (The Vulcan Death Grip is not a real thing, unfortunately, but I sincerely hope that someone has named a cocktail after it, anyway. Also, a yoga pose. Also, a geek metal band.)

I won’t deny that Kirk and Spock’s plan here has, like, a BUNCH of holes. (I’m not even getting into the whole Disguise Kirk as a Romulan nonsense, although I will say that Deanna Troi wore it better.) Still, as far as TOS insta-seduction stories go, I think Spock/Commander is honestly one of the better ones. I do wish there was more time for their quasi-romance to breathe, like, it would make for a hell of a three-episode arc, if that was something TOS actually did. But I also think they have better chemistry than Kirk and literally any of the women he’s ever seduced; also, Leonard Nimoy just doesn’t come off as weird and creepy like William Shatner usually does in these stories. And I like that the Commander is trying to manipulate Spock, too. I mean, it’s obvious that her feelings are real, but they’re also both definitely trying to use one another to their advantage, which works for me. I genuinely like Joanna Linville’s performance, and her last scene with Spock is pretty great.

Chief Asshat: Kirk, although admittedly, that is part of the plan. (But it’s a pretty bad plan, so. We’ll still go with him.)

MVP: Joanna Linville. I particularly love when she immediately tells the Romulans to destroy the Enterprise, even though she’s currently onboard, quickly foiling Kirk’s backup plan.

Grade: Chocolate

Line of the Episode: “It is not a lie to keep the truth to oneself.”

“The Paradise Syndrome”

Well. That was quite possibly the worst episode of all time. Definitely in the Top 3 for sure. Margaret Armen wrote the screenplay, and Margaret, Margaret. We gotta talk.

This is just . . . stupid, and racist, and stupidly racist. While investigating a strangely advanced obelisk on yet another planet that looks just like Earth, Kirk accidentally manages to fall through a trap door and get zapped by a “memory beam,” giving him amnesia. Spock and Bones can’t find him and are forced to abandon the search because an asteroid, two months away, is hurtling towards the planet, and they only have a 30 minute window to arrive at the correct coordinates to deflect it—which definitely begs the question of what the fuck they were doing dicking around here in the first place, like, Christ, I give myself more time to catch the fucking bus. The Enterprise basically breaks their engines trying to make the deadline, and their initial deflection attempt fails, so Spock decides to try and split the asteroid in half for . . . Reasons? Like, IDK, my dude. Even if that worked, I’m not sure how helpful it would be, considering this asteroid is nearly as big as the fucking MOON. Anyway, the Enterprise is now (very slowly) racing the big space rock back to the planet, and the only hope of saving everyone is if Spock can translate these mysterious symbols he saw on the obelisk and hope they have a miraculous solution.

Meanwhile, what is Amnesiac Kirk doing on this planet for two months? Well. The people who live there are apparently American Indians. Yes, literally. Specifically, they’re people from the Navajo, Mohican, and Delaware tribes, something Spock can apparently tell at a far-off glance, not that anyone makes any attempt to discuss these tribal differences ever again. A few of the American Indians see Kirk emerge from the obelisk as Has Been Foretold, and they immediately assume this random white guy is a god, and—yeah. Yeah. It’s awful, just all of it. The white savior narrative, the brownface. William Shatner’s VO and general overacting, which seems to hit new unprecedented heights in this episode. (Seriously, the pauses have never been this egregious, have they?) It feels icky and gross to watch Kirk almost fetishize this “simple” way of life, especially when the American Indian characters are written to be so incredibly stupid. Also, seeing Kirk in basically all of these costumes, just . . . whew, this is atrocious.

Anyway, Kirk takes the role of medicine chief and marries Miramanee, according to tradition. (Miramanee’s now-ex-fiancee is pissed, which is understandable, but he’s also The Worst, so.) Miramanee gets preggers, which means she has to die. Specifically, she gets stoned to death. See, according to that prophecy, Kirk is supposed to open the obelisk and escort everyone inside during the big storm, but he doesn’t actually know how to do that. Miramanee’s Ex gleefully decides this is the proof he’s been looking for and gathers a mob to stone Kirk for being a false god. Miramanee stands by her man and dies for it. But never fear! Spock, who has since translated most of the alien symbols, returns in time to save Kirk and perform the “Vulcan mind fusion,” restoring his memories. Kirk manages to open the obelisk (the trick to doing so is about as nonsensical as everything else here) and activate it. See, the obelisk is actually a broken asteroid deflector. It was left here forever ago by a super advanced alien species known as the Preservers, who brought the American Indians to this planet in order to save them. ( Hopefully, they agreed to this?) I can only assume the Preservers and the Builders from “Spock’s Brain” are like first cousins. Anyway, everyone lives happily ever after. Except Miramanee, of course, and anyone else who suffered through watching this episode.

Chief Asshat: Oh, Margaret.

MVP: Bones and Spock, mostly because their interactions are the only good things about “The Paradise Syndrome.” I kinda adore Spock’s little rock demonstration of the asteroid problem, and I obviously like when Bones yells at Spock to get some damn sleep. There are a few lovely emotional H/C moments here, and I’m so bummed they’re in this dumpster fire of an episode.

Grade: Technically Pistachio, but if anything deserves Mint Chocolate Chip, it’s this bullshit.

Line of the Episode: “My bairns. My poor bairns.”

Triple Spooky Scoop Reviews: Suspiria, Us, and Jason X

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It’s the end of an era, folks! Okay, fine, it’s just the end of our first annual Horror Bingo–which, yes, should have been finished well over a month ago, but life! Holidays! Disney Plus! The point is, I got it done by Christmas, and that’s just gonna have to be good enough.

More importantly . . .

That’s right, I WON! Honestly, this was a lot of fun, and I’m already looking forward to Round 2 next year. Before I get into conclusions, though, we have three more movies to discuss: our final two Horror Bingo films and, of course, our reward movie: Jason X.

Suspiria (2018)

First Watch or Rewatch: First Watch
Amazon, Netflix, Hulu, or Other: Amazon
Spoilers: Absolutely
Grade: Strawberry

Well. That was a movie.

I was hopeful for this one. I do really enjoy the original film. (Gore! Maggots! Technicolor!) But also, I was kinda excited to see a different take on Ballet Witch Academy cause there are a lot of ways to go with that concept. (Not gonna lie, folks: if Ballet Witch Academy was a show on CW, I’d watch the hell out of it.) Add in Tilda Swinton and a score by Thom Yorke, and I was fucking sold. And credit where credit’s due: I do really enjoy that score. Listening to it now, as a matter of fact, and let me tell you: “The Hooks” is a particularly disturbing song when you’re listening to it by yourself at midnight. Also, the Susie/Olga dance scene is nothing short of horrific: grotesque, intense, and masterfully shot. There are certain plot developments I like, too, at least conceptually: the reveal that Susie is Mother Suspiriorum, for instance, is certainly intriguing. And that whole line about how the witches won’t suffer any retaliation for their votes? HA! I didn’t buy that bit of bullshit for one second, so the violent payoff at the end works well for me.

Overall, though, I just really didn’t enjoy this movie. I didn’t like the opening scene at all, like, Chloe Grace Moretz seems to be going for Crazy, Oh So Crazy, and it feels both atonal AF and, yeah, just kinda ick. At 2 1/2 hours, I think the film is far too long. I’m not saying you can’t have long horror films, but I am saying they’re hard to do well. (It: Chapter Two also failed at this.) We spend way more time on the psychiatrist than I think is warranted, and I don’t love that he’s played by Tilda Swinton; the performance is fine (I mean, it’s Tilda Swinton), but I find the choice itself unnecessarily distracting. I like the idea of Susie’s twist, but not the build or execution of it, and I don’t think the film does a very good job developing her and Madam Blanc’s relationship, either. Sure, they stare at each other a lot, and I suspect I’m supposed to get mad lesbian chemistry or maybe, IDK, incestuous mother/daughter vibes? Mostly, though, I feel like Suspiria relies way too heavily on its artsy mood and funky editing in an attempt to overcompensate for a lackluster script. I’m not particularly convinced the political backstory is working in the film’s favor, either. There were a few moments of interesting horror here, but primarily, I found myself bored, frustrated, or both.

Us

First Watch or Rewatch: First Watch
Amazon, Netflix, Hulu, or Other: Amazon
Spoilers: All of them. Watch the film first, please.
Grade: Chocolate

Oh, this is difficult. There’s an awful lot I do like about this movie. The acting is great. Lupita Nyong’o is fantastic, Winston Duke is hilarious (he plays Such A Dad), and I really enjoyed Shahadi Wright Joseph quite a bit, too. I’d forgotten Elisabeth Moss was in this movie, and though it’s a small role, my God, if she doesn’t make the most out of it. There are so many wonderful scenes and moments here: the death of Pluto, basically everything that happens at the Tyler’s house, Adelaide and Red’s final fight/dance, etc. The soundtrack is phenomenal (I’ve now switched over to “Anthem,” naturally), and I liked a lot of the humor. I’m a huge sucker for family dynamics in horror, and I was definitely invested in these characters as we watched the film.

But I have criticisms, too, and unfortunately, they’re not minor ones. Like, when Red gives her monologue near the end of the movie about how the Tethered were kept underground as part of a government experiment and how she banded them together and such, it felt . . . messy. Interesting, certainly, but messy, like there’s enough story and metaphor in these five minutes alone to make a whole other movie, but instead of really doing something with it, it’s just sorta . . . thrown out there, slapdash as hell. I can’t quite decide if we’re given too much information here or not nearly enough, but either way, I think the writing is a bit weak in the third act. Still, I was willing to forgive it because, messy or not, Us is weird and fascinating, and I was having a pretty fun time watching it. And then we get Adelaide’s Big Reveal, and I just . . .

Look. We were roughly five minutes into this movie before I thought, “Oh, shit, maybe this is an evil changeling story! Maybe Adelaide isn’t traumatized; she’s just not Adelaide.” And you know, there is evidence to support that, particularly whenever Adelaide kills one of the Tethered. But the more Red talked, the more I realized I wouldn’t buy that twist anymore. Part of that’s dialogue: would she really have a whole speech about the humans Above, specifically calling them “your people,” without ever mentioning they were once her people, that the sky was once her sky? Would she say “we’re humans too, you know” to someone who, of course, does know? Would she use intentionally ambiguous (and slightly more awkward) phrasing like “how you could’ve taken me with you” instead of “you could’ve come with me” or “we could’ve both lived Above?”

But it’s not just dialogue. It’s also that the logic and mechanics of this place feel murky as hell: Little Adelaide starts behaving like a shadow while trapped Below, but . . . I don’t really know how or why: she isn’t mindless like the others, after all. So much here feels vague and inconsistent, and while horror doesn’t always have to be logical or explained in full to be successful, that doesn’t fly so well when you need to support a Big Twist. And it doesn’t help that I just don’t think this particular Big Twist adds much to the story, emotionally or thematically; mostly, it just strikes me as an unnecessary cheat, and considering Cheat Unreliable Narrators are one of my biggest storytelling pet peeves? It’s a really unfortunate note to end this otherwise very enjoyable film on.

Jason X

First Watch or Rewatch: Rewatch
Amazon, Netflix, Hulu, or Other: Other: Personal Collection DVD
Spoilers: Very much so
Grade: Vanilla

Oh, Jason X. This gloriously silly movie. This loving parody of its own franchise. You can come at me with your “Michael Myers is the best masked killer” until you’re blue in the face, but has Michael Myers ever been cryogenically frozen for 400 years? Has he ever cut off a dude’s arm purely by falling over? Was he resurrected and reconstructed into Uber Michael by futuristic nano ants? Yeah, I rest my case.

Jason X knows exactly what kind of movie it is. The puns are over the top, the kills are as violent as they are ridiculous, the fashion is hilarious (sometimes even intentionally!), and and everyone just seems like they’re having a really good time. The whole movie is a string of meta in-jokes punctuated by absurd violence. (See: the gratuitous nudity holograms and the nod to everyone’s favorite sleeping bag death from Friday the 13th, Part VII: The New Blood.) Hell, the whole plot structure is basically one giant homage to Aliens. Also, holy shit, David Cronenberg has a cameo in this! I don’t think I even realized that the first time I watched this movie.

I will say it’s a little disappointing that a) both black characters on the ship die, and b) they die sacrificing themselves for white people, which is certainly a shitty trope prevalent in horror. That being said, if you’re gonna go out in a heroic blaze of glory, you’ve gotta do it like Peter Mensah, whose character impossibly zooms in from out of nowhere, tackles Jason in space, and steers their bodies towards Earth 2, where they continue to fight even as they burn up in the atmosphere. It is exceptional. It is a thing of beauty.

THE GREAT HORROR BINGO WRAP-UP:

Of the horror films I’d never seen before, my favorites were probably Invasion of the Body Snatchers (1978), The Babadook, It Follows, and The Wailing. Meanwhile, my least favorites were Suspiria (2018), Ghost Story, Insidious, and The Witch.

Of the horror films I have seen before, I think The Legend of Hell House remains my favorite, whereas my appreciation for Hostel has considerably dipped.

Movies I’m most disappointed we didn’t get to on this go-around: Deep Red, Overlord, and Phantasm.

Movies I’ll probably add to next year’s Horror Bingo, if I don’t watch them before then: Tigers Are Not Afraid, Happy Death Day, and Hausu.

“He Who Controls Spice Controls The Universe!”

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A few months ago, as you may or may not remember, I took part in the Clarion West Write-a-Thon. Donors could purchase a movie review, should they opt to do so, and a man named Tom did.

Here is everything you need to know about Tom:

1. Tom is an assistant nurse manager of the ICU, one of the departments I work in.

2. Tom is a gigantic movie buff, like, he’s seen way, WAY, more movies than I have.

3. Tom’s movie opinions are completely wrong roughly 90% of the time.

Tom immediately jumped on the chance to purchase a review, and then, fiendishly, spent the next two months going back and forth on what he wanted to make me watch. Would he give me something he thought I’d genuinely enjoy, despite my fairly minimal interest? Would he give me something so ridiculously terrible that it would totally redefine the so-bad-it’s-AWFUL genre? These were hard considerations, and Tom delighted in proposing different alternatives every day, but in the end, the knowledge that I had never seen David Lynch’s Dune proved too much for him.

Dune Stand Fast GIF - Find & Share on GIPHY

And so, good people, let us begin our journey into the world of Dune, a place of spice, Chosen Ones, gigantic worms, and winged underoos.

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“What Does God Need With A Starship?”

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Okay, here’s the thing: when Star Trek Into Darkness came out, fans were pretty critical across the board. I do know a few people who liked it. I know more who thought it was pretty terrible, and others who consider it the worst Star Trek film of all time. And I had problems with Into Darkness myself, mostly because the script was lazy as shit, but for anyone who thinks it’s the absolute worst Trek movie in all existence . . . I’m sorry, but have you seen Star Trek V: The Final Frontier?

great barrier1

Because, as of last week, I have. And right now I’m calling winner for Worst Trek Film EVER.

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The 2014 Movie Superlatives

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Happy New Year, everybody! It’s that blessed time of the year when we all recover from our hangovers, growl at diet commercials, and guilt ourselves into exercising more. (Statistically speaking, the growling is more likely to occur than the exercising, but I guess it’s a little early in the year for cynicism.) It’s also the time when — if you’re constantly running behind schedule, as I am — to post the very last of your Year in Review posts. To that end: my 2014 Movie Superlatives!

Read on to discover who won 2014’s Most Fabulous Fashion, Chief Asshat, Creepiest Moment, Best Fight Scene, and more.

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“Well, What Does She Expect? You Leave Your Navigator Lying Around, Naturally Somebody is Going to Run Over Him.”

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Sometimes, when I’m not around to entertain her with my sheer awesomeness, Mekaela watches movies without me. These are usually movies I have little to no interest in, and if they end up being particularly crazy and/or dumb, I’m liable to get Puppet Recaps, as I did with Now You See Me and Machete Kills. (Okay, they’re mostly Stuffed Animal Recaps. I don’t own a lot of actual puppets, only the Wile E. Coyote one. Regardless, they’re very amusing. I’d record one for you guys sometime, if I thought my sister would let me.)

But sometimes a movie comes along that is so spectacularly insane, it cannot merely be recapped with plushy toys. It must be shared with your fellow sibling. It must be a bonding experience for the both of you. Or so Mekaela claimed when she told me I needed to watch Death Race 2000.

fr car 2

For my part, I argued that Touch of Evil had been sitting on our living room floor for over a week, and maybe it was time to give that a try, since there are grave, grave Battlefield Earth level of horrifying consequences if I don’t finish watching my noir films by the end of the year. Problem was, we were being super classy with our choice of chili dogs for dinner that night, and, well. You just can’t be watching some critically acclaimed, black and white film noir when you’re eating chili dogs, right? Chili dogs are a meal best accompanied by ludicrous plots, terrible fashion, and unrepentant violence.

All in all, Death Race 2000 felt like the most valid choice.

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