Coming Soon-Ish: Zombie Dragons, Guardians of the Galaxy, Old Wolverine, and Horror in Suburbia

Get Out

So, this looks pretty fantastic.

I don’t have a whole lot to say about Get Out specifically, just that it looks original and creepy as hell, and I’m pretty excited about it. I will forever love my horror movies, but the genre repeats itself a lot, often telling the same kind of morality tale with the same kind of killers and the same kind of victims. This, on the other hand, looks like something totally new, and with Jordan Peele behind the wheel and Bradley Whitford as a bad guy? Yeah. Count me the hell in.

Guardians of the Galaxy

This is just a teaser, so I’m not going to get all pumped just yet. But it’s funny (the Drax-Peter exchange)and cute (Baby Groot!) and Zoe Saldana, as always, looks immensely badass. I’m just hoping Gamora gets a little more to do in this movie because–as much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy–she never really felt like more of a collection of tropes to me, the Strong Female Character who’s really not much more than the Hero’s Love Interest. Zoe Saldana is capable of so much more, provided the story will give her better characterization here than the last movie did.

Logan

So, I’m sure people are into this, but . . . this just kind of looks depressing to me? Like, sure, the action is cool (dude, claws through the HEAD) and who doesn’t like Johnny Cash, but I’m not so sure I’m interested in seeing a movie about Old Logan and Super Old Xavier in some post-mutant, super tragic future where everyone else we care about is dead. I do enjoy some darker superhero stories, but at the moment, I’m not particularly feeling this one.

A Cure for Wellness

First, any treatment that looks like that? Probably not a reputable treatment.

This is interesting so far. Not a lot of plot-specific details, but some of the creepy imagery is fantastic, and yeah, I’m amused by slowing down and creepifying “I Wanna Be Sedated.” Also, I see that Jason Isaacs, Dane DeHaan, and Carl Lumbly are all in this? That’s not a bad cast. I’m not quite at the “give it to me, give it to me NOW” stage yet, but I have some interest in this one, and I definitely wouldn’t mind seeing another trailer that tells you a little more about the story itself.

Last Girl Standing

This could be interesting. I’ve always been fascinated by stories that take place after the big event, especially slashers; in fact, I had a horror movie idea a little like this years ago that I never did anything with because I’m a failure of a flip-flopper and moved onto another project. But! I think this could be worth checking out if the whole thing doesn’t turn out to be the Final Girl Has Gone Crazy and Is The One Actually Killing Everyone. I hate that shit.

If I watch this and that’s what happens, prepare yourselves, people, for you will have to listen to me (well, read me) rant about if for THOUSANDS AND THOUSANDS OF WORDS because I will not be pleased.

John Wick Chapter 2

John Wick was stylish and fun, though I didn’t love it quite as much as everyone else seemed to, probably because I didn’t buy certain moments and conveniences in the story. Still, I certainly liked it enough to check out the trailer for the sequel, and it looks . . . you know, okay. Fun action scenes, a good cast (newbies include Common, Ruby Rose, and Laurence Fishburne), and of course THE DOG. (The dog can’t die in this one. I’m okay with the dog dying last time–even though it was kind of devastating because it was SO CUTE–but you needed it for the actual plot. Here, it would just be shitty.)

I think my biggest actual concern is that the sequel will go too big. John Wick worked as well as it did, I think, because it was a very simple story, Awesome Hotel of Assassins aside. I’m hoping this one doesn’t have big global conspiracies or fate of the world consequences or anything else like that. Keep it small: John Wick does a job. John Wick gets revenge. John Wick keeps his goddamn dog alive. End of story.

Resident Evil: The Final Chapter

Um. Is that a . . . zombie dragon?

I wouldn’t have bothered watching this trailer, since this series is largely not-great and the last one was actively terrible, like, it was a little embarrassing, just how bad that movie was. But this is being billed as the final movie in the franchise, and while I know better than to believe in any supposed final movies (Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter, Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday, etc.) I’m sure Mekaela will take this as an excuse to force me to watch it. The rotten fiend.

Assassin’s Creed

Okay, I haven’t played the games, so I knew nothing about the whole modern storyline (based off the video game trailers, I had just assumed the whole thing was set in the past), but . . . anyone else think this is gonna flop hard? Maybe it’ll be a lot of dumb fun, but right now, that’s not the impression I’m getting, although I suppose that’s kind of an easy bet: video game movies, after all, are notoriously crap. (Mortal Kombat being the obvious exception. I heart you and your ridiculousness forever, Mortal Kombat!)

On the plus side, this movie does have a hell of a cast. Michael Fassbender, Jeremy Irons, Marion Cotillard, Michael Kenneth Williams, Brendan Gleeson . . . I mean, that’s a damn amazing lineup. I just doubt that this movie is going to be worthy of them. But I wouldn’t mind being proven wrong; I’d like a video game movie to actually succeed, for once.

And finally . . . The Autopsy of Jane Doe

Redband, so beware: this is NSFW, which in this case means boobies. But it also means better scares because, for some reason, the normal teaser trailer is actually pretty boring.

This one is much better, so I’m glad I watched it. I’m enjoying some of the creepy visuals, and the fact that our protagonists are apparently a father-son coroner team is kind of awesome. Though, as always, I immediately couldn’t help but think but couldn’t we gender bend it? That would have been so COOL.

TETRIS THE TRILOGY: A Proposed Outline

I have actual things to be doing right now. Instead, I did this:

TETRIS: THE FIRST BLOCKS

Chris Pratt is just your average, snarky, beer-loving, football-watching, American retired sniper who’s struggling to put his life back together after his loving wife (who we’ll briefly glimpse in a floral dress and long, wavy hair) died in childbirth. Thankfully, aliens attack, planning to wipe out all of humanity by sending wave after wave of strangely shaped gigantic structures to the earth’s surface, obliterating everyone and everything when they land on the ground. Humanity is literally on the run, trying to outrace and outfly these interlocking, colorful instruments of smushing doom. It’s up to Chris Pratt to save the world, with the help of . . .

A) Common – our hero’s funny black best friend. He’s a family man, but we won’t see much of his family, or any of his actual life. His role here is to make jokes, and help our hero with his emotional problems.

B) Brad Dourif – an old, eccentric scientist who everyone shunned when he predicted this exact threat five years ago. His hair, befittingly, will be mad scientist levels of crazy huge.

C) Will Yun Lee – a stoic Asian man who will somehow use martial arts against falling alien blocks. He won’t have much dialogue, but when he does open his mouth, it will be to say something profound. He will get one deadpan joke, though, near the end.

D) Alexandra Daddario- the scientist’s attractive daughter, a tireless and leggy crusader of justice who will do exactly one semi-badass thing before needing rescue three separate times during the film. She’ll wear glasses for the first 20 minutes or so. Then, about the time she literally lets her hair down, she won’t need them anymore.

At the end of the film, Chris Pratt will have to manually detonate the explosives he set on the mothership, causing all the blocks in the sky and on the ground to spontaneously melt. This should drown everyone, of course, but instead the world will just experience very colorful rain for a few days. Everyone thinks Chris Pratt is dead, but miraculously he escapes, and he and Alexandra Daddario kiss amidst the the liquid destruction.

TETRIS 2 – BLOCKS: THE COMEUPPANCE

Two years after the events of The First Blocks, the aliens have come back, and they mean business this time! The blocks are even bigger and fall twice as fast. The team will have to band back together . . . except for Alexandra Daddario, unfortunately, whose character was killed in a car accident offscreen sometime in the past two years. Chris Pratt is sad about it, of course, but luckily Megan Fox is around to replace her. She’s a badass action girl who doesn’t play by the rules and doesn’t have time for men . . . but Chris Pratt breaks through her icy exterior, finding out that she, too, once lost someone. They can heal together. It will be beautiful.

The good guys are able to stop a well-meaning but totally dickish general (Clancy Brown) from implementing a battle strategy that would get all of humanity killed. They’re able to fend off the aliens . . . but oh noes! Brad Douriff, who in the past two years has become like a father to Chris Pratt, is killed! (He’s going to see his daughter in Heaven, though, so you know. It could be worse.) And The Evil Alien Emperor Who Was Never Mentioned In the Last Movie (Willem Dafoe) has taken a liking to Megan Fox and abducts her before their spaceship jumps to warp speed and flies away. Cliffhanger!

TETRIS 3: BLOCKS . . . IN SPACE!

Chris Pratt, Common, Will Yun Lee, Clancy Brown, and newcomer Alfie Allen have a plan: build a spaceship from the one Tetris block that conveniently didn’t melt the last go-around, fly back to the aliens’ homeworld, and destroy it, saving Megan Fox in the process. Alfie Allen is an arrogant, whiny scientist who nobody likes, but they need him to make the spaceship work. It’s not until they’re actually in space that the truth comes out: he’s also the drunk driver that killed Alexandra Daddario!

Tensions are obviously high (Common stops Chris Pratt from killing Alfie, because he’s a good guy like that), but the team manages to reluctantly work together. They discover that their ship can generate more giant blocks, which they use to cascade against the aliens’ home world in specific patterns, ultimately destroying it in a classic display of Hollywood irony. Clancy Brown dies valiantly in battle, while Alfie Allen makes the big sacrifice play, asking for forgiveness which is finally granted. Chris Pratt saves Megan Fox (who gets to punch Willem Dafoe once, before Pratt kills him, of course), and the rest of the team flies home to live happily ever after!

I’m smelling multiple Oscar winners here. Care to make your own trilogy outline? I’d love to hear it.

Coming Soon-Ish: Mockingjays, Teen Wolves, Regency Zombies, and Kidnapping George Clooney

Hail Caesar

I don’t wholeheartedly adore the Coen Brothers the way that most film nerds do, but I’ve got to admit: this looks pretty delightful. And dude, the cast is ridiculous: when I glanced at IMDB, I recognized 14 out of the first 15 stars listed. We’re talking George Clooney, Scarlett Johansson, Channing Tatum, Josh Brolin, Tilda Swinton, Ralph Fiennes, Clancy Brown, and more. (The plot summary is also almost charmingly unhelpful: “A Hollywood fixer in the 1950’s works to keep the studio’s stars in line.” That is somewhat less specific than “George Clooney is kidnapped by The Future.”)

I’m definitely intrigued by this one. And it’s not just to watch Channing Tatum dance, either, although I’ve got to admit, that’s a pretty big plus, and this is coming from someone who hasn’t watched any of the Step Up OR Magic Mike movies.

Pride and Prejudice and Zombies

Yay, it’s finally coming! I’ve been waiting for this one for a long while. I read the book when it first came out, enjoying it for the silly good time that it was, but this is definitely a story just screaming for a film adaptation. I mean, what’s not to love about mixing some Jane Austen with some zombie action? Plus, it’s got Matt Smith as Mr. Collins, Charles Dance as Mr. Bennett, and Lena Headey as Lady Catherine de Bourgh.

Now I just need Night of the Living Trekkies to become a movie, too.

The Hunger Games: Mockingjay

I’d been avoiding trailers for this movie since almost clicking on one with supposed Big Time Spoilers — but I decided to check this one out, and I think I remain Spoiler Free, as the trailer is mostly just one big speech and a bunch of corresponding action shots. Although there are some totally creepy monster deals that I wasn’t at all expecting, since they look like they’d be more at home in a horror movie like The Descent than a blockbuster YA action franchise. Mind you, that’s not a complaint at all. Bring on the creepy monster deals!

I’m looking forward to watching this. I’ve seen all The Hunger Games movies in theater, and I’m trying to decide what the death toll will be. I’ll always remember talking for hours with Mekaela about who and how many of our favorite characters would die in The Return of the King, and actually being a little disappointed by the relatively low body count. It’s not that I wanted Pippin to die or anything, just, you know. Stakes. Price. All that jazz.

I guess I’ll find out this November. (Let it be Gale. Please let it be Gale.)

Ratchet and Clank

So, this looks cute. Very silly, very much like the video games. Actually, I’ve only played one of the them so far, but I found it pretty enjoyable — although Dr. Nefarious was easily the best character and, unfortunately, he’s not in this trailer very much.

Still. I could totally try this at some point. It seems like a good candidate for an  “I Feel Crappy, I Need Lighthearted Kids Fare” movie marathon. Also, it’s cool they got the original voice cast for the main players, while adding in other Hollywood actors (Rosario Dawson, John Goodman, Paul Giamatti, Armin Shimerman, etc.) for what I presume are supporting roles.

Teen Wolf

Well, this came out earlier than I was expecting. Season 5B returns in January, and for some reason I’d just assume I’d have to wait a little longer for any real footage . . . but I forgot about New York Comic Con. Bless you, New York Comic Con.

Despite a slightly uneven ending, I really enjoyed Season 5A, and this promo looks pretty great. On the downside, Deucalion appears to be back — which is actually probably for the best, considering the massively stupid way his storyline ended, but still, boo, Deucalion. On the upside, Papa Argent is also back, which is far, far more important. Also: Lydia’s continuing to have an especially lousy time at Eichen House, Stiles throws Scott to the ground in pretty spectacular fashion, and Kira continues to be a total badass.

I am pumped for January. Speaking of . . .

Person of Interest

Finally, I had to post this promo because it’s one of the best things I’ve ever seen. Well, for established fans anyway. I’m not sure the actor switcheroo would do much for anyone who’s just considering checking the series out, but for the rest of us die-hards . . . guys, it’s just delightful. I have re-watched this trailer a stupid amount of times. I will never get tired of seeing Michael Emerson and Amy Acker play Reese. Really, I could just watch that all day.

“IT HAS BEGUN!”

Obsessively watching Teen Wolf and Sheriff Johnny Cage reminded me of something last week: I have never actually written a review for Mortal KombatMortal Kombat: Annihilation, yes. But Mortal Kombat itself? Nope.

fighters

This is one of my favorite guilty pleasure movies ever. Keep that in mind while I occasionally and lovingly rip it to shreds.

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