Mekaela and I chose to celebrate New Years Eve with the things we love best: cookies, tacos, caffeinated beverages that may or may not have had booze in them, and–of course–movies, the first of which ended up being Quentin Tarantino’s The Hateful Eight.
We began this movie in 2016, but since it took eons for anything to actually happen, it didn’t end until 2017, and thus became our first movie of the year.
You may have picked up on this, being the clever readers I know you are, but I didn’t really care for the film.
Okay, so, this movie was basically made for me. It’s like Scream meets Last Action Hero, or The Purple Rose of Cairo. I know some people are tired of the whole meta-horror comedy thing, but what can I say? That shit’s where I live, and I’m actually pretty interested in the whole mother/daughter storyline here. It sort of adds a new angle, and I think it’s awesome when parodies like this have something more going on underneath, something with a little heart. Whether it’ll be effective or not, I couldn’t say, but I’m interested regardless.
My main concern here is that this trailer’s giving away all the best parts for free. (“I want chainsaws and big ass knives, and I want them now.” YES. Excellent, Nina Dobrev.) But hopefully not. I want to see this, and I want it to be good.
The Scouts Guide to the Apocalypse
Unfortunately, I’m a lot less into this particular horror comedy. (And pretty NSFW, by the way.) I want to be excited about it — I mean, come on, it’s Boy Scouts vs Zombies! — but after that trailer, I’m just like, Okay, so we’ve got one token hot chick badass, plus three stereotypically pathetic nerd boys, and some huge zombie tits. Uh, yay?
Of course, maybe I’m wrong. Maybe this movie will surprise me by being totally awesome. But my interest just took a pretty sharp nosedive.
Victor Frankenstein
I’m not sure what tone I expected Victor Frankenstein to have, exactly, but I’ll admit . . . that wasn’t it. Honestly, I could still totally watch this movie — I’m kind of digging James McAvoy and Daniel Radcliffe’s lighthearted banter — but at this point, I think it’s probably for the best that I keep my expectations low because it’s kind of looking like a hot mess. Although maybe that’s not fair. Maybe I’m simply judging it on some of the weirder monster shit, which immediately reminded me of Van Helsing — NOT one of my favorites.
Also, when McAvoy says, “It’s . . . alive!” I’m like, “What is? The Creature, or Harry Potter’s Stupid Hair?” I mean, look at that mop. It’s completely ridiculous, almost as ridiculous as Daniel Radcliffe’s current actual beard. I say this knowing that I have green/black/blonde/blue hair right now and probably no right to speak to anyone, but . . . no. Just no, honey. You have lovely features, and the razor is your friend.
The Witch
I’m not entirely sure what’s going on here (other than, you know, super spooky shit), but I feel like this movie might have come into being by somebody watching The Village and thinking, “Fuck you, Shyamalan. I’m taking this shit and making it EERIE.”
There is just a ton of creepy imagery packed into this trailer, and some of it looks pretty disturbing. I wouldn’t mind a better idea of the actual plot, but I could potentially check this one out.
The Keeping Room
This actually also looks pretty interesting, too. Westerns (like most genres that aren’t romantic comedies or family dramas) rarely have multiple lead female characters, but here there appear to be three, defending themselves and their home against Sam Worthington . . . and yes, while Sam Worthington is almost always an automatic strike against the film these days, well, who knows? Maybe playing a villain will give him a spark of personality.
Either way, I’m kind of into this. I’d love to see more feminist westerns, and some of the cinematography looks absolutely stunning.
And finally . . . The Hateful Eight
Now notice how many women are in this western? Yup. That’d be one. She also doesn’t say a damn thing, either, and I don’t know if that’s because her character’s mute or just isn’t worthy of speaking in this trailer. (I could Google, but, like, effort.) Then again, I did laugh pretty hard at all her waving hello and pantomiming death, so it’s not all bad. (Just . . . it’s possibly not a coincidence that Kill Bill and Death Proof — you know, the ones where the female characters easily outnumber the men — are some of my favorite Tarantino films.)
Still, let’s not even pretend that I’m going to skip Quentin Tarantino’s next movie. Obviously I’m going to watch it. The setup looks like a lot of fun, and there are a ton of actors I really enjoy, although I’m basically bucking myself up now for Walton Goggins’s inevitable demise. (I just love the actor so. Surely, I’ve doomed him by my adoration.)
Could a ticket to The Hateful Eight be a Christmas present to myself? Maybe. Sure beats The Polar Express, anyway.
*shudders*
Worst. Christmas Movie. EVER. If you haven’t seen it, consider yourself lucky. It is the schmaltziest crap of all time. Stay away. STAY AWAY.
So, at the end of every calendar year, I make my annual list of Book Superlatives and Movie Superlatives. But the thing is, I watch TV too, like, a lot of TV. So, I decided to try something new this summer: My Geek Blasphemy’s first TV Superlatives.
Unfortunately, I only came to this decision a few months ago, so I’ve been wracking my brain trying to remember shit that happened on shows I watched, like, eight months ago. Because the TV Superlatives are going to work a little differently than the my other lists, as TV is a total pain in the ass medium that you judge season by season — and those seasons might begin in fall, winter, spring, or summer, and may or may not be contained in one calendar year.
So. Shows qualifying for the 2014-2015 TV Superlatives will have to have premiered somewhere between June 2014 and June 2015. This will cover all normal fall and winter TV shows. As far as tricky spring/summer shows go, well, Game of Thrones Season 4 will not qualify because it premiered in April of 2014, but Season 5 will, because it aired in April of 2015, even though it didn’t end until after June. Meanwhile Season 4 of Teen Wolf will qualify, but not the currently airing Season 5 or the previous Season 3B.
I don’t know if it’s because I was in a bad mood when I watched this, or if it’s because I knew Harrison Ford was going to appear before I saw the trailer. Maybe it’s because I still don’t want the old stars in the new series, despite the obvious fact that that ship has long since sailed. But this teaser spread like wildfire around my social media today, with everyone feeling the old Star Wars magic again, and I was kind of like . . . *shrug.* Which bummed me out because for however cynical I can be sometimes, being a geek is kind of all about joy, and I absolutely wanted to feel that wonder and sentiment that everyone else seemed to feel today. Maybe I’ll get there in the first full-length trailer. (Although, actually, I was definitely more into the first teaser. Hell, maybe I am just having an off day.) On the upside, it’s not a bad-looking trailer, and I was super excited that they remembered, hey, Leia was supposed to have cool Jedi potential too. I will be PISSED if I don’t get to see Leia do at least something with the Force in these movies. That has always bummed me out. But please, for the love of God, don’t bring Darth Vader back. Please say that’s not why we’re using present tense, not unless we’re bringing him back as the badass villain he once was, and even then . . . I don’t know, guys. Sometimes, I think it’s better if the best villains stay dead. The Hateful Eight
For a teaser that doesn’t feature any actual footage, I’m surprisingly into this. Well, not that surprisingly — it’s Quentin Tarantino, after all, and it stars Walton Goggins, Samuel L. Jackson, Kurt Russell, and Tim Roth, among others. I’m desperately curious to see a full-length trailer now, and my only real disappointment is that there appears to only be one girl in the whole hateful eight because of course there is. On the upside, there’s also apparently a dude who’s known by the name Cow Puncher. Obviously, I need to know more about that guy. Burying the Ex
Oh, no. Not feeling this one at all. Which is disappointing — zombie comedies are usually right up my alley, and I generally like Anton Yelchin. All the zombie-spewing embalming fluid stuff is kind of awesome, too. But the general premise of Girlfriend From Hell feels so . . . blech. It’s done and it’s boring and I’m kind of over watching movies about poor nice guys whose meanie mean girlfriends stomp all over them. Like yeah, I’ve known women who are over-controlling, too, but this over-the-top crazy? It feels like yet another movie where I’m being asked to sympathize with a boy’s fears about the Crazy Bitch Girlfriend, and I’m just not that interested. Actually, I’d have been a lot more curious if this whole story was gender-swapped, and the boyfriend wasn’t abusive or awful, just really annoying. That might have worked for me. Scream
Yup. MTV has made a TV show based off the horror movie franchise, and I am absolutely going to watch it. Less because this trailer does anything for me — because it really doesn’t — but because it’s the Scream franchise and I have to. Also because Bex Taylor-Klaus is apparently going to be in it, and because I love Teen Wolf so much that I’m actually a little excited it’s going to be on MTV. I know. I never thought I’d say that, either. It totally could suck. But I’m at least going to try it out. Dark Matter
This is another TV show that may also suck, but you can bet I’ll be watching the hell out of it anyway. A group of amnesiacs trapped together in space? Shit, that kind of show is practically made for me. Will I be disappointed? Oh, probably. I can’t actually think of a Group Amnesia movie I ended up being particularly satisfied with, and there’s nothing about this trailer that’s hugely original. Still. All the potential in that premise! Someday, I’m going to find a winner. Will it be you, Dark Matter? Can it be you after all this time? And finally . . . Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice Because of technical difficulties, I’m just going to refer you to io9 if you want to watch this one. But it looks . . . interesting. I still haven’t made myself watch Man of Steel yet, but I know most of the major stuff that happens in it. (Still. I will watch it before I see Dawn of Justice. I will make myself do this, even if I have almost zero interest.) And this looks pretty dark. That seems to be a turnoff to a lot of people who enjoy the relatively zippier Marvel movies, but in a way, I’m glad that DC has a different tonal approach — it makes it feel more like their own. Also, sometimes I feel a little bad for DC. Not always — their fuck-ups can not all or even mostly be blamed on other people — but I can’t help but feel that Marvel gets praised when it goes light and praised when it goes dark, and DC gets shit on for doing anything. And damn it, I like the Justice League. I like Batman. Maybe this movie will suck donkeyballs, but I refuse to go into it with that as my default expectation. Okay. That became more of a rant than I intended. Let’s get back to the trailer, cause I’m getting mad Injustice vibes from it. (Without the amazing trio that is Green Arrow, Black Canary, and Harley Quinn, unfortunately.) Honestly, I’m a little more interested because of those Injustice vibes, and I’ll happily watch this again when the official trailer (with better quality) comes out. I’m not sure I’m feeling Batman’s glowy eyes, though. The voice is . . . well, I don’t know. I get why everyone’s comparing it to Christian Bale’s growl, but I think it actually reminds me a lot more of Shao Kahn. Surprisingly, I don’t absolutely hate it, although I feel like it might have been a wise decision to not do that and go with something more understated. Then again, I’m thinking this might not be the most subtle and understated of movies. I guess we’ll see how it all plays out next year.
So, I’m a giant Quentin Tarantino nerd. Above my desk is a Pulp Fiction poster. To my right is a Death Proof one. I have seen every feature-length film Tarantino has directed, every feature-length film he’s written, and almost everything else he’s ever been involved in, including a couple of CSI episodes AND an episode of ER. (Well, probably. Honestly, I don’t actually remember the episode that I watched over a decade ago, but it aired well before I gave up on the series, so I’m sure I saw it.)
The only thing Quentin Tarantino’s ever done that I didn’t like was Jackie Brown — which, I don’t know, I just found boring. Other than that, I’m a huge fan. Pair that up with the fact that I’m absurdly fond of revenge fantasies — which, okay, is probably one of the reasons I like Tarantino so much — and there was really never any question that I’d end up seeing Django Unchained in theater.
And the thing is, I really enjoyed this movie. I had a great time watching it, and I’ll happily buy it on DVD to add to my Tarantino collection. But . . . I don’t know that it’s as amazing of a movie as some people have been telling me.
My Geek Blasphemy 