“Say Goodbye To Classical Reality.”

I have something of a hit-and-miss relationship with John Carpenter’s work. I adore The Thing. I like Big Trouble in Little China. Escape from New York is enjoyable enough, but ultimately, I liked Snake Plissken more than the actual movie itself. Halloween is a classic that I don’t love nearly as much as I’m supposed to, and The Fog, unfortunately, really didn’t much for me. All I remember about Vampires is that it was goddamn dreadful.

Today–as my first reward essay for the Clarion West Write-a-Thon–we’ll be discussing John Carpenter’s Prince of Darkness, which, I can tell you right now, is not destined to be one of my favorites. But there are aspects of this movie that I find really intriguing.

Let’s talk about them, shall we?

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“Now, That’s A Proper Introduction.”

I’ve been excited about Arrival for months and had hoped to see the movie shortly after it premiered, but plans, being plans, naturally fell through. So Mekaela and I decided to watch it on Thanksgiving instead because, you know. First contact, and all that jazz.

I liked Arrival–it’s well-crafted and interesting–but, being the disappointment to the SF/F community that I so often am, I can’t quite say that I loved it like everyone else seems to.

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“Pocahontas, That Tree Is Talking To Me.”

ETA: Trying to get back to business as usual, at least for the moment, though fair warning: there may be more political talk in the future. There may also not be; I don’t have any specific plans right now. But just so you know, the majority of this review, save some minor edits, was written before nearly half of America decided to vote for an unrepentant and unqualified bigot, so. Nothing here past this paragraph is election and/or protest related.

Okay. For a variety of reasons, my Disney Princess Movie Challenge had to be put on hold for several months, which leaves me with just under two months now to watch six movies and review them. This does not sound difficult until you understand that I am not a fast writer, and anytime I spend here writing for fun is, very unfortunately, time I’m not spending writing for money, and look people, I like money. I’m not even going to lie about that. Even if my rent hadn’t just doubled, which is sort of a consideration, I also like it when I have the opportunity to spend cash for things; I have, like, zero qualms about my materialism.

Regardless, I really would like to finish this particular challenge after failing so abysmally last year on Best Picture Winners, so I’m going to give it a shot. When we last left off, Mekaela and I had just watched Aladdin for the first time in about 20 years. Now?

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Now I watch Pocahontas for the very first time. God help me.

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“Be Good To Him, And He Will Be Good To You.”

Splatterfest is poorly named. Despite the wide variety of choices my sister and I select every year, my friends–oh yes, friends, I’m throwing you under the bus!–always select the least gory contender to watch and mock. Which doesn’t mean there’s any less mockery, oh no. Joyful mockery continues to abound. Also, candy. (Like, so much candy, you guys. It’s absurd how much candy we have here.) Just one of these days, there will actually be blood spatter again. It’s been a long time since the hilarious, gooey days of Wrong Turn and House of Wax, after all.

This year, we ended up watching The Boy.

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Calling it scary would be a stretch. Movies that are this easy to mock have a hard time being truly frightening. But to be fair, parts of it are kinda disturbing. It is, at any rate, more entertaining overall than the group’s last bad horror movie, The Beast Must Die–although, regrettably, there are no Werewolf Breaks in The Boy, which clearly every movie should have.

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“Mornings Are For Coffee And Contemplation.”

Man, I’m behind on so many things for this blog: I’m way off schedule for my Disney Princess Movie Challenge, and I definitely should have watched Revenge of the Sith by now for my ongoing Star Wars Re-Watch. But today, at least, I’m finally getting around to reviewing a show that I did have the opportunity to check out (forever ago): Stranger Things.

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There are, admittedly, a few things I’d like to change. Overall, though, I’m pretty into it.

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“We’re Bad Guys. It’s What We Do.”

So, Suicide Squad was out for about a week before I had the opportunity to see it, and the reviews in that week were . . . not kind. I’d heard from a few people directly who enjoyed the movie, but overall it was sounding like yet another DC live action fail.

The thing is I’m, like, contrary and opinionated and shit, so despite the poor press, I had to make my way to the theater to try it out myself.

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Ultimately, it’s a bit of a hot mess. More than a bit, honestly; I want to edit the holy shit out of this movie. On the upside, it’s way more enjoyable than Man of Steel or BvS!

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“Master, I Could Be Wrong, But That Might Not Be The Best Way to Win The Girl’s Affections.”

Continuing with Disney . . . let us now move on to my childhood favorite: Beauty and the Beast.

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Objectivity may or may not not be found in this review. I have all kinds of nostalgia for this one, so expect a grade that fits said nostalgia accordingly. Still, we definitely have a sketch romance to talk about here. Not to mention: there are a surprising number of shitty people in Beauty and the Beast. Pretty much anyone who isn’t Belle or a magically animated object is kind of a dick.

Let’s discuss them, shall we?

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“Magic Mirror On the Wall, Who Is The Fairest One of All?”

Friends, family, bored people who accidentally found their way onto this blog! The time has come for the 2016 Disney Princess Movie Challenge.

Let’s begin at the beginning, shall we?

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Finding a copy of Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs proved to be slightly more challenging than normal, since it’s not available on Netflix or Amazon Prime and I was deeply unwilling to shell out too much money on a movie where the happy ending is dependent on a dude making out with a dead body. (Did you know that there’s a special platinum version of Snow White that’s currently selling on Amazon for $109.95? Admittedly, it appears that Disney included a ton of bonus features, but since I haven’t seen anything stating that the DVD is literally lined with gold, I’m not terribly convinced it’s worth the cost.)

Anyway, I did find a copy, thanks to the fact that my town still has a local video store. Thus we have much to discuss, like misogynistic dwarfs, creeper princes, and how Snow White leaves children with very unrealistic expectations about the helpful attitude of forest animals, among other things.

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