In the St. George household, Valentine’s Day is traditionally celebrated with horror movies—although, admittedly, that hasn’t been very consistent in recent years due to, you know. Life. This year, however, Mek and I decided to pick two scary movies each and celebrate Bloody Hearts by watching them over the course of the week.
Here’s what we ended up checking out:
Blood Quantum
Year: 2019
Director: Jeff Barnaby
First Watch or Rewatch: First Watch
Streaming Service: Shudder
Spoilers: Hm, some are definitely implied
Grade: Vanilla
Sometimes, I get frustrated with people who talk shit about zombie stories as if every one is the exact same. If zombies aren’t your jam, that’s cool—I’ve got my preferences, too—but when you reduce any sub-genre to only its most well-known tropes, you usually end up overlooking stories that are fresh, subversive, and/or come from new or diverse perspectives. Blood Quantum is an excellent example of this with a fantastic premise: when the zombie apocalypse hits, Indigenous people—unlike white people—are immune to the disease. They are not, unfortunately, immune to being eaten and torn apart, so we get a really great power shift where the Indigenous characters (who make up the vast majority of the cast) are the people in power, the ones making the rules and providing refuge—while still having to fear white people’s betrayal, as their selfishness and unwillingness to follow the rules can absolutely get our heroes killed.
The movie is super gory, which is excellent, and there are definitely a few upsetting moments, so it might be worth checking out a site likes Does The Dog Die if you find CWs helpful. I did feel some of the performances were a bit awkward and stilted, and that may have contributed to the movie feeling slower than it really is. I did generally enjoy Michael Greyeyes as Traylor, though, and Gisigu (Stonehorse Lone Goeman) is my absolute favorite. Also, it’s extremely sad that writer and director Jeff Barnaby passed away so young. I would liked to have seen more of his horror films, and still need to check out Rhymes for Young Ghouls at some point.
Finally, a few things that Blood Quantum teaches us, or at least reaffirms: A) white people will manage to be a constant threat to people of color, whether they’re currently in power or not, B) it never, ever pays to be pregnant in the zombie apocalypse, and C) men really will fuck everyone over and burn it all to the ground if they become upset about their dicks.
Popcorn
Year: 1991
Director: Mark Herrier
First Watch or Rewatch: First Watch
Streaming Service: Shudder
Spoilers: Some
Grade: Chocolate
You know, I can’t remember exactly how I first came across Popcorn, but the premise alone—a killer begins murdering a group of film students as they host a horror movie marathon in an old theater with a bloody past (a past which our final girl has been mysteriously dreaming about)—meant I was always gonna check this one out. And I’ve gotta tell you: Popcorn is just, IDK. Joyful? Sure, some parts are cheesy as hell, and certainly some acting is better than others. Final girl Maggie (Jill Schoelen) is pretty boring, even if she does have a fabulous early 90’s Winona Ryder aesthetic. This movie also leans hard on that whole “disfigured, thus evil and crazy” trope, which very much isn’t my favorite.
That all being said, anybody who loves 50’s B-horror movies, midnight movie nights, and William Castle gimmicks is probably gonna get a kick out of this film. The movie marathon looks like an absolute blast, like, I want to go to it—except, you know. Preferably not get murdered or anything. (And, well. Maybe not the tiny electric shocks, either. 100% there for all the shouting back at the screen, shitty 3D, and giant flying props, though.) Everybody in Popcorn seems like they’re having a really good time: the students, the audience, the killer, the delightfully random reggae band, etc. It certainly looks like it was fun to make. My absolute favorite scenes are probably the ones we get from the fake B-movies themselves, but I’m also extremely partial to this running gag where Mark, Maggie’s kinda shitty love interest, gets beat up a lot, like, this movie could easily have been retitled Mark and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day. (What makes this especially hilarious is just how little Maggie gives a shit, too. Christ, I wanna rewrite this movie just so I can realize her potential as an awesome final girl.) Also! I was happy to see A) certain characters live, and B) actors I didn’t know or had forgotten were in this movie, like Dee Wallace, Kelly Jo Minter, and Ray Walston. (Also! Ellen Sue from A League of Their Own!)
Finally, my very favorite surprise of all time: when the students find a deeply weird short film with a gruesome true crime history behind it, they quickly decide not to air it during the marathon, and like . . . I just . . . I don’t know if I’ve ever been so shocked by such excellent common sense in a horror movie. Bravo, kids. You really didn’t deserve this killer in your midst.
Pontypool
Year: 2008
Director: Bruce McDonald
First Watch or Rewatch: First Watch
Streaming Service: Apple (rental)
Spoilers: Yes
Grade: Vanilla
Holy shit, FINALLY. Pontypool has been on the Horror Bingo list so long that I had honest to God forgotten what it was about. And while I’m not exactly sure what I was expecting, this . . . probably wasn’t it. (Actually, that’s a lie. I do know what I was expecting. British. I was expecting British. It sounds British, doesn’t it? Canada really threw me for a loop here, although I will say that Stephen McHattie does have a very nice voice to listen to.)
Pontypool is an interesting movie. Truthfully, I haven’t fully made up my mind about it quite yet and probably won’t until I feel like giving it a rewatch. I mean, some of it is goddam fascinating. I am absolutely obsessed with a virus that transmits through language—in this case, English. (Like, if ever there was an incentive to keep up with Duolingo, right? Mek and I have decided that we’d survive through a combo of her poor French and my abysmal Spanish, with maybe a few Korean words we’ve picked up from various K-dramas.) There’s just so much here that I like. The idea of getting stuck on certain infected words. Grant saving Sydney by mixing up the word definitions. (That kiss/kill scene is particularly fantastic.) There are some awesome creepy moments, too, most of them with Laurel-Ann. And some of the dialogue really made me laugh.
For me, though, the movie did take a while to get going, which I suspect I would’ve minded less if our protagonist wasn’t, you know, a shock jock. I have to admit, too, that I don’t really know what to do with the after credits scene. And seriously, what the fuck is up with that whole weird Lawrence and the Arabians bit? The brownface? The Osama bin Laden joke? Seriously, I do not understand the point of this scene at all. If it’s meant to be some kind of clever commentary, then . . . cool, but if so, the satire went right over my head, because it mostly struck me as some extremely blatant, extremely random racism thrown into the first act for shits and giggles—and all my Google searches have not helped me find a deeper meaning here.
Re/Member
Year: 2022
Director: Hasumi Eiichiro
First Watch or Rewatch: First Watch
Streaming Service: Netflix
Spoilers: Not really
Grade: Vanilla
Okay, look, I had every intention of watching Skinamarink as my second pick for Bloody Hearts—and I still really want see it—but for once in my goddamn life, Netflix popped up with a “you might be interested in ____” email that I was actually interested in. I mean, come on. Time loop horror? Strange curses? A group of teenagers having to scavenge hunt for body parts and reassemble a corpse? It’s like this movie was made for me.
The tonal whiplash on this one is wild. Initially, Re/Member plays it pretty straight, just a regular supernatural teen slasher, albeit with a fun plot device—but then abruptly we’re getting this fucking amazing violent montage that flip-flops between the darkly hilarious and some cutesy feel-good shit. This is a teen slasher that’s very much about gore, but also very much about loneliness and friendship. Obviously, I love all of that. I do kinda wish it was a bit more balanced, like, we definitely could’ve had some of this dark comedy from the very beginning. Still. A mixture of humor, Feels, and violence? Like, that’s my whole brand. I seriously adored all the gory heartwarming shit.
Considering that Re/Member is very much about friendship, I wish we got a deeper look at each character, particularly at our heroine, Asuka (Hashimoto Kanna), who is predictably and unfortunately very bland. It’s especially disappointing because time loop stories are amazing vehicles for character development, and we could’ve done a lot more with that here. I’ll also say that the after credits scene doesn’t do much for me, as horror movie stingers rarely do. Still, I had a pretty fun time watching this delightfully weird and mostly optimistic teen horror. It reminded me a bit of Another, actually, which I also quite liked, despite very mixed feelings on the ending. (The book and anime, anyway. I haven’t read the manga or watched the movie. At least, not yet.)
My Geek Blasphemy 