For a while now, I’ve been trying to maximize my time and minimize my excessive word counts with my Triple Scoop Reviews; today, however, we’re going back to the old standard because Avengers: Endgame is kinda the end of an era here, and I feel like it deserves its own space.
Or, in other words, I’ve got a few things to say, and while some of it’s really positive, some of it’s really not.
Okay, folks. Nearly a week after everyone else, I have finally seen Infinity War.
Most people loved it. Some people really didn’t. And I’m pretty much right where I expected to be: firmly in the middle. Try and contain your shock.
Well, I finally went to see Guardians of the Galaxy, Volume 2.
I’ve seen people on both sides of this one, but personally I thought it was pretty great.
Years ago, Mek and I saw a trailer for Vantage Point and were intrigued by the initial premise. A conspiracy thriller about a presidential assassination from the POV of multiple people at the scene? I’m a huge sucker for Rashomon-esque stories, and this movie sounded like it could be a lot of fun . . right up until the point where the trailer revealed a Really Big Twist–and like, not some subtle turn of events that only obsessive pop culture nerds like me could figure out by overanalyzing the trailer frame by frame and spotting some dude wearing a significant costume in the background. No, I’m talking about a preview that outright told you a huge plot reveal. It was just . . . baffling. And after the film failed to garner almost any positive reviews, I kind forgot about the whole movie.
My sister, however, did not. So guess what we finally watched a few weeks ago?
The verdict? Well. It doesn’t start out so bad, anyway.
Get Out
So, this looks pretty fantastic.
I don’t have a whole lot to say about Get Out specifically, just that it looks original and creepy as hell, and I’m pretty excited about it. I will forever love my horror movies, but the genre repeats itself a lot, often telling the same kind of morality tale with the same kind of killers and the same kind of victims. This, on the other hand, looks like something totally new, and with Jordan Peele behind the wheel and Bradley Whitford as a bad guy? Yeah. Count me the hell in.
Guardians of the Galaxy
This is just a teaser, so I’m not going to get all pumped just yet. But it’s funny (the Drax-Peter exchange)and cute (Baby Groot!) and Zoe Saldana, as always, looks immensely badass. I’m just hoping Gamora gets a little more to do in this movie because–as much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy–she never really felt like more of a collection of tropes to me, the Strong Female Character who’s really not much more than the Hero’s Love Interest. Zoe Saldana is capable of so much more, provided the story will give her better characterization here than the last movie did.
Logan
So, I’m sure people are into this, but . . . this just kind of looks depressing to me? Like, sure, the action is cool (dude, claws through the HEAD) and who doesn’t like Johnny Cash, but I’m not so sure I’m interested in seeing a movie about Old Logan and Super Old Xavier in some post-mutant, super tragic future where everyone else we care about is dead. I do enjoy some darker superhero stories, but at the moment, I’m not particularly feeling this one.
A Cure for Wellness
First, any treatment that looks like that? Probably not a reputable treatment.
This is interesting so far. Not a lot of plot-specific details, but some of the creepy imagery is fantastic, and yeah, I’m amused by slowing down and creepifying “I Wanna Be Sedated.” Also, I see that Jason Isaacs, Dane DeHaan, and Carl Lumbly are all in this? That’s not a bad cast. I’m not quite at the “give it to me, give it to me NOW” stage yet, but I have some interest in this one, and I definitely wouldn’t mind seeing another trailer that tells you a little more about the story itself.
Last Girl Standing
This could be interesting. I’ve always been fascinated by stories that take place after the big event, especially slashers; in fact, I had a horror movie idea a little like this years ago that I never did anything with because I’m a failure of a flip-flopper and moved onto another project. But! I think this could be worth checking out if the whole thing doesn’t turn out to be the Final Girl Has Gone Crazy and Is The One Actually Killing Everyone. I hate that shit.
If I watch this and that’s what happens, prepare yourselves, people, for you will have to listen to me (well, read me) rant about if for THOUSANDS AND THOUSANDS OF WORDS because I will not be pleased.
John Wick Chapter 2
John Wick was stylish and fun, though I didn’t love it quite as much as everyone else seemed to, probably because I didn’t buy certain moments and conveniences in the story. Still, I certainly liked it enough to check out the trailer for the sequel, and it looks . . . you know, okay. Fun action scenes, a good cast (newbies include Common, Ruby Rose, and Laurence Fishburne), and of course THE DOG. (The dog can’t die in this one. I’m okay with the dog dying last time–even though it was kind of devastating because it was SO CUTE–but you needed it for the actual plot. Here, it would just be shitty.)
I think my biggest actual concern is that the sequel will go too big. John Wick worked as well as it did, I think, because it was a very simple story, Awesome Hotel of Assassins aside. I’m hoping this one doesn’t have big global conspiracies or fate of the world consequences or anything else like that. Keep it small: John Wick does a job. John Wick gets revenge. John Wick keeps his goddamn dog alive. End of story.
Resident Evil: The Final Chapter
Um. Is that a . . . zombie dragon?
I wouldn’t have bothered watching this trailer, since this series is largely not-great and the last one was actively terrible, like, it was a little embarrassing, just how bad that movie was. But this is being billed as the final movie in the franchise, and while I know better than to believe in any supposed final movies (Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter, Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday, etc.) I’m sure Mekaela will take this as an excuse to force me to watch it. The rotten fiend.
Assassin’s Creed
Okay, I haven’t played the games, so I knew nothing about the whole modern storyline (based off the video game trailers, I had just assumed the whole thing was set in the past), but . . . anyone else think this is gonna flop hard? Maybe it’ll be a lot of dumb fun, but right now, that’s not the impression I’m getting, although I suppose that’s kind of an easy bet: video game movies, after all, are notoriously crap. (Mortal Kombat being the obvious exception. I heart you and your ridiculousness forever, Mortal Kombat!)
On the plus side, this movie does have a hell of a cast. Michael Fassbender, Jeremy Irons, Marion Cotillard, Michael Kenneth Williams, Brendan Gleeson . . . I mean, that’s a damn amazing lineup. I just doubt that this movie is going to be worthy of them. But I wouldn’t mind being proven wrong; I’d like a video game movie to actually succeed, for once.
And finally . . . The Autopsy of Jane Doe
Redband, so beware: this is NSFW, which in this case means boobies. But it also means better scares because, for some reason, the normal teaser trailer is actually pretty boring.
This one is much better, so I’m glad I watched it. I’m enjoying some of the creepy visuals, and the fact that our protagonists are apparently a father-son coroner team is kind of awesome. Though, as always, I immediately couldn’t help but think but couldn’t we gender bend it? That would have been so COOL.
Plenty of Trekkies despise NuTrek Abramsverse the Kelvin Timeline, but–as I’m sure I’ve mentioned before–I’m really not one of them. I’m a completely unabashed fan of the 2009 Star Trek, and while I think Into Darkness has some deeply frustrating problems, I don’t think it’s, like, THE DEATH OF STAR TREK or anything, either. Honestly, it’s not even my least favorite Trek film: out of Wrath, Search, Whales, God, Captain von Klingon, Bridge, Borg, Insurrection, Reboot, and Huge Dead Tribble, God is easily my least favorite–although it should be noted that I haven’t seen The Motion Picture or Nemesis yet, and I barely remember Bridge at all, much less Insurrection, which I KNOW I’ve seen but has obviously been so thoroughly erased from my brain that I couldn’t even come up with a clever 1-3 word nickname for it. (Meanwhile, Wrath would clearly be KHAAAAN!, while I’m thinking Search should either be Spock Lives! or maybe Star Trek: A Study in Negating Everything Interesting About The Previous Film in the Series. Or do you think that’s too long?)
I feel like I’ve digressed. The point is this: I can now add Star Trek Beyond to the list.
And how did I like Star Trek Beastie Boys? Well, I have some problems because, you know, me. Overall, though, I had a pretty decent time watching it in theater.
Guardians of the Galaxy came out last Friday. Obviously, that was too long to wait, so I saw it at 7:00 on Thursday instead.
I had a few problems with the movie, mostly minor, but overall I had a pretty great time watching this.
After the success of The Expendables and The Expendables II (as well as the likely success of the upcoming Expendables III), there’s been some talk about making an all-female spin-off to the series called, rather unfortunately, Expendabelles. The title is not my only concern — the director and writers who are currently attached have a resume made up primarily of bad romantic comedies, rather than badass action movies. I desperately don’t want this to be a cheesy romp full of nothing but cleavage shots and terrible girl power jokes . . . but if this movie could be done well? Shit, how AWESOME would that be, amirite?
With that in mind, Mekaela and I came up with a cast wish list — twelve actresses who we’d like to see in a movie about kickass female mercenaries beating the shit out of one another. Some of these actresses are action and/or B movie veterans — keeping in line with the Expendables franchise — but we did pick a couple of lesser known actresses from TV as well who we think could fit right in.
Let’s first discuss our heroes. (Oh, yeah. We totally divided our good guys and bad guys.)
HEROES:
Sigourney Weaver
(Okay, this isn’t the best quality, but desperate times, right? I had to have the power loader scene.)
We didn’t bother coming up with any kind of character roles for most of our cast, but it is absolutely imperative that Ripley plays the head honcho of our good guys. IMPERATIVE.
Action Resume: Alien franchise
Michelle Rodriguez
This is, admittedly, probably not the movie that would break Michelle Rodriguez out of the same role she always plays . . . but how could we not include her? On the plus side, if she’s on the hero team, she has a much better chance of survival than usual.
Action Resume: Resident Evil franchise; The Fast and the Furious franchise; SWAT; Girlfight; Avatar; Machete; Machete Kills
Claudia Black
Because Aeryn Sun is one of my favorite badasses of all time, and really, that’s all there is to it.
Action Resume: Farscape
Sarah Shahi
Sarah Shahi might be the least well known actress on this list, but I love her as Shaw so much on PoI that I’d really like to see her do more, especially if that more includes kicking the shit out of people. Cause she seems to be pretty good at that.
Action Resume: Person of Interest
Lucy Liu
Cause, dude. LUCY LIU. I love Lucy Liu. Do I really have to say anything else?
Action Resume: Kill Bill; Charlie’s Angels; Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle; Ballistic: Ecks vs Sever
Gina Torres
Okay, Youtube? You have failed me. How are there not more clips of Gina Torres online? I’m aware she’s another actress primarily known for her work in television, but still. I was going to upload a Firefly clip, but there are so few available that I picked one from a show I completely gave up on instead because I wanted a scene where she actually had lines.
Anyway. A lot of nerds might have picked Summer Glau — who I do like and was definitely on the shortlist — but if I have to recruit only one Firefly/Serenity badass, I’m actually going to go with Zoe. Cause, you know. Big damn hero, and all that.
Action Resume: Firefly, Serenity, Alias
Zoe Saldana
HA! I’ve never actually seen Colombiana before, but dude — SPOILER ALERT — she kills someone with sharks. That’s HILARIOUS.
So, yes. For our final team member in this band of heroes, we’re definitely going Zoe Saldana. She’s a pretty great actress, one of the main go-to girls for science fiction action right now, and again, kills people with sharks. That’s a winner right there.
Action Resume: Star Trek; Star Trek Into Darkness; Avatar; The Losers; Colombiana; Guardians of the Galaxy. (Okay, that one’s upcoming. Still.)
VILLAINS:
Linda Hamilton
Because you know you want Sarah Connor to be the leader of the bad guys. Come on. And she and Sigourney Weaver have to square off in a climactic battle. Obviously.
Action Resume: Terminator 2: Judgment Day
Katee Sackhoff
Cause Katee Sackhoff would make an amazing villain. I remember when they tried doing a Bionic Woman remake on TV however many years ago, and it was pretty terrible, except Katee Sackhoff was so AWESOME as the bad guy. I think she would be an awful lot of fun here.
Action Resume: Battlestar Galactica; Riddick
Michelle Yeoh
Honestly, I haven’t seen Michelle Yeoh in quite some time, but I like her, and Mek and I both thought she could be a pretty fun addition to the cast. Especially since I’m mostly used to seeing her play good guys. It might be fun to see her as someone evil.
Action Resume: Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon; Tomorrow Never Dies
Milla Jovovich
Speaking of someone who almost always plays good guys . . . Milla Jovovich is like the B-movie action queen. I definitely want her on the side of the villains. (Is it too much if Michelle Rodriguez is the one to take her down? Cause I kind of think that’d be fun.)
Action Resume: The Fifth Element; Resident Evil movies; Ultraviolet; The Three Musketeers
Lucy Lawless
(Man, I love these opening credits. “A mighty princess forged in the heat of battle!” LOVE IT. Also, I totally forgot Karl Urban guest starred on this show. I am so happy right now!)
Anyway, who better to play our last villain than Xena, Warrior Princess. (Although, in all honesty, I was really thinking of a guest spot she did on Burn Notice when I casted her here. Like Katee Sackhoff, Lucy Lawless could be a lot of fun as a villain. She’s got a particularly great smile, and I think the best villains are the ones that grin like madmen and trickster gods.)
Action Resume: Xena: Warrior Princess, Battlestar Galactica
There are, of course, a ton of great actresses that didn’t quite make the cut for our list. If you have any or your own suggestions, though, I’d love to hear them.
Just one trailer for you today, and it’s the first one for Marvel’s Guardians of the Galaxy.
I fully plan to see this movie in theaters — cause, you know, superheroes in space, plus Zoe Saldana, Karen Gillan, Lee Pace, Djimon Hounsou, etc. — but until today I’ve been a little wary of it. Probably because talking raccoons throw me right the hell out. Honestly, talking animals of any kind in superhero stories tend to throw me right the hell out — in all the episodes I watched of Justice League, never did I ever take Gorilla Grodd seriously. And he was voiced by Powers Boothe! You don’t get more villainous than that, do you? (For some reason, the giant talking tree doesn’t bother me as much. I have no real rationale for this, except that maybe I can accept Groot as a tree-like alien, whereas it’s hard for me to see Rocket Raccoon as anything but a raccoon. Er, he is supposed to be an alien too, right?)
Anyway, I actually just got my first introduction to the Guardians last week — both in Brian Michael Bendis’s Avengers Assemble and in an episode of Earth’s Mightiest Heroes — and I wasn’t really feeling them, certainly not our lead hero, Star-Lord, who seemed awfully bland. However, this trailer seems to have a lot more quirky humor — and hilarious music — than I anticipated, and I’m actively much more interested in the movie now. I kind of forgot, too, that James Gunn wrote and directed this, and if anyone’s going to make me like a gun-toting raccoon in space, it’s probably going to be the guy who directed Slither and Super.
Opinions are possibly subject to change after actually hearing Bradley Cooper’s voice as Rocket Raccoon, but so far, I’m into it.
Geek Pride Day — as well as Towel Day — was last weekend. I celebrated by finally going to see Star Trek Into Darkness.
Cause nothing says shit just got REAL like going into a volcano.
I had a good time watching the movie. It was a lot of fun. But . . . I have some pretty serious story problems with it, too.
My Geek Blasphemy 